Revenge of the Mothman
A Kittanning Tale of Mystery and Intrigue

	It is a dark and stormy night in the halls of Kittanning High School.  The light roll of thunder echoes through the narrow hallways.  In her classroom, Mrs. Bradigan is working late grading some essays.  “I hate grading essays,” she grumbles, “I think I should give multiple choice tests from now on.”  As she finishes the last paper, she hears a slight hissing sound out in the hallway.
	“Fester? Fester is that you?” she calls.
	Hearing no reply, she slowly creeps to the doorway and looks down the hall, but she sees nothing.  As she looks around, the lights in the hallway abruptly go out leaving only the pale glow of the streetlights as illumination.  Mrs. Bradigan turns around, but she is startled when she bumps into something.
	“What the…?” But her words fail her when she looks up and sees a horrible creature with grayish fur, glaring red eyes, pointed antennae, and huge menacing wings.
	“Get out while you can!” the creature wails in an inhuman tone.
	Mrs. Bradigan screams and runs down the hall.
******
	The next day, Mike Totos and Joe Meleason walk into school through the band room doors.
	“You idiot, Meleason! You’re so full of it!!” declares Mike in a fit of anger.
	“I don’t care what you say,” Joe retorts, “I can ride a goat to school if I want.”
	As the bickering duo approaches the lobby, they see Mrs. Bradigan being led out the door in a straight jacket.
	“I’m telling you, it was a giant moth!  It’s going to kill us all,” rambles Mrs. Bradigan hysterically.
	“Sure it will,” Officer Ziggo agrees as he leads Mrs. Bradigan out the door.
	“You don’t believe me? Oh my! It had fur, and wings, and these hideous fangs! You have to believe me! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!” Mrs. Bradigan is led out the door and into a waiting ambulance.
	“Oh jeez!” says Joe, “She’s finally lost it.  Too much time reading those weird Shakespeare plays.”
	“This doesn’t make any sense,” Mike ponders aloud. “If anything, she should go crazy during seventh period when I have class.  There is no reason for her to go nuts when we’re not around.  I think she may have actually seen this thing.”
	“So what if she did? What are we going to do about it?”
	“We’re going to find this creature, and then we’ll make a fortune as we take it around the world in a cage for people to laugh at and ridicule.”
	“Hey, sounds like a good plan to me. If we catch this thing, I won’t have to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life.”
******
	Believing that Mrs. Bradigan had seen the mothman, Mike and Joe go looking for some idiot who would be crazy enough to go with them on their quest to find the creature.
	“Hey, what are you guys doing at my house?” asks Bobby Galonski as he opens the door.
	“Shut up, Bob. You’re coming with us to find the mothman,” orders Mike.
	“Wh…what mothman? What are you talking about?” asks the confused Bob.
	“Mrs. Bradigan says that she saw a mothman creature in the school last night.  We’re going to go looking for it, and when we catch it, it’ll make me rich enough to realize my ultimate dream!”
	“And what is that?”
	“I’m going to buy a small country and turn it into a nudist colony!”
	Bob groans at this latest revelation.  “Oh all right. But what am I supposed to do?”
	“You’re job,” says Mike with a wicked grin, “Is to be our slave. You get to do whatever we don’t want to.”
	“Oh crap,” Bob groans, “I need to get some new friends.”
******
	After tricking Bob into driving, Mike, Joe, and Bob pile into the Galonski family van.  The three friends travel around Kittanning looking for clues about the mothman.
	“This blows,” Mike mutters.  “There are no clues here about this mothman stuff.”
	“I got me a plan!” exclaims Joe.  “Let’s go talk to the Kittanning mafia.  They know about everything that happens in Kittanning.”
	“There’s no such thing as a Kittanning mafia,” says Bob.
	“Shut up, Bob.  Nobody cares what you think.  We’re going to find the Kittanning mafia.  Now where can we find them?” Mike wonders aloud.
	“At Garda’s of course,” Joe replies, “That restaurant is just their cover. Hur Hur Hur Hur.”
	“Joe, Garda’s isn’t even in Kittanning,” Mike protests.
	“Exactly,” adds Joe, “That’s why it’s the perfect cover.”
******
	The Galonski van approaches Garda’s restaurant near Crooked Creek Park.  The three friends get out of the van and go inside.
	“I don’t know what you expect to find here,” says Bob as they enter the front door.
	“We’ll find the mafia of course,” says Joe.
	When they enter, a man approaches them in a waiter outfit. “May I help you gentlemen?”
	“We want to see the owner,” Mike demands.
	“Of course, sir,” replies the waiter.  The waiter leaves and goes into the back room.  A portly gentleman with a thick moustache and wearing a sombrero comes out.
	“¡Hola! ¿Cómo estas?” says the Mexican.
	“Wait a minute!” Mike exclaims, “Why is there a Mexican running an Italian restaurant?”  Frightened, the Mexican runs away; however, before the group can follow him, two Italian men in dark suits inexplicably drop out of the ceiling.
	“It’s curtains for you guys,” the first Italian declares.
******
	“Take them to the Godfather!” orders one of the Italians.
	“Yes sir boss man,” the other Italian responds.
	The two Italian mobsters lead Mike, Joe, and Bob through the dark corridors of the catacombs underneath Garda’s restaurant.  They come to a very large and opulent area.  Extravagant artwork adorns the walls of the room, which is lit only by candles.  A large desk is situated in the center of the room.  A massive chair is facing away from the group.  It is clear from the look of reverence on the mobsters’ faces that the Godfather is sitting in the chair.
	“Who are you?” asks Mike, “I demand that you release us.  We want information on the mothman.”
	The chair slowly turns around to reveal…
	“Mr Formaini?!?” Mike exclaims with wonder.  Yes, it’s everyone’s favorite Italian sociology and world cultures teacher.  “You’re the Godfather?” asks Mike with amazement.
	“That’s right!” says Guido, “And you know too much! No one must know of my secret life.  Put ’em on ice, boys.”  The two mobsters raise their guns.
	“Oh crap!” says Mike.
	“Narf,” adds Joe.
******
	“Please don’t kill me, Mr. Godfather, sir,” Pleads Bob, “I’m too young to die!”
	“I have so much more homoeroticism to contribute to the world,” Mike adds.
	“Kill them!” orders Guido.
	“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEETCHHH!!!!”  A horrible, gut-wrenching sound is heard from all around.  The lights suddenly dim and the Italians drop their guns in confusion.  A human-sized moth creature swoops down from the rafters.
	“Shoot it now!” shouts Guido.  The two mobsters raise their guns and fire, but the bullets have no effect.
	“Beware! The end is near!” the creature warns in an inhuman tone, “Get out while you can or all will suffer my wrath!”
	The creature disappears as abruptly as it had appeared.  Mike, Bob, Joe, Guido, and the two mobsters are left in a daze.
	“There, you see!” says Mike, breaking the silence, “I told you this mothman was real.”
	“All right!” says Formaini, “I’ll help you.  We have a source in Kittanning.  He’s our inside man.  He knows everything that goes on in this area.  You’ll have to talk to him.  I warn you, though, he’s a bit eccentric.”
	“Don’t worry,” says Bob, “No one can be more eccentric than any of my friends.”
	“Quiet you!” says Guido, “You will bring me this mothman, or else!”
	“Or else what?” Mike asks.
	“Or else I can’t be held responsible for what I might do,” says Guido ominously.
	“You sure are violent for a high school teacher,” says Bob.
	“I can do whatever I want,” says Guido, “I have tenure.”
******
	After leaving Guido’s secret hideout, Mike, Bob, and Joe get back into the van and start driving back to Kittanning.
	“One day, I’m going to be a violent mob boss just like Guido!” Mike declares with pride.
	The van enters Kittanning in the late afternoon.  There is no sign of anyone on the streets.  Even though Kittanning is a hillbilly town, it does not start getting completely deserted until 9:00 or so.  As the three amigos turn onto Market Street, they notice that there is not a single car or person in sight.
	“I guess the mothman scared everyone away,” says Bob.
	“Well thank you, Captain Obvious,” Mike says rolling his eyes, “I think everyone already figured that out.”
	“Shut up yins guys,” Joe orders, “We gots to find this street man that Guido told us about.”  Following Joe’s advice, the group wanders into an alley where they see a figure sitting in a shadow.
	“Hey!” Mike shouts, “Are you this wise man that Guido told us about?”
	“What is wisdom but an abstraction of economics?” the man asks rhetorically.
	“Hey, I recognize that voice,” says Joe.
	“McGarvey?!” Mike exclaims with surprise, “Jeez! Is there any faculty member at our school that doesn’t have a secret double life?”
******
	“Hey my friends,” declares McGarvey opening his arms wide, “I’m glad that you’ve finally realized my true intelligence. I know everything about this mothman creature of which you seek.”
	“Shut up McGarvey! I’m better than you in every way,” Mike declares.
	“I don’t care what you think you half wit.  I know it all.  This mothman is simply an abstraction of the fears of society.  As anyone can see from studying the economics of scale or the demand curve, it is easy to see.  I plan to take economic advantage of this crisis while everyone…”
	“Get to the point, McG,” Joe says, “We need this mothman or else Guido is going to come after us! Who knows what that psychopath will do to us.”  Thinking of Godfather Guido makes Joe nervous.  He runs around in circles, trips over his own two feet, and crashes into a telephone pole.
	“McG has a plan!” McGarvey declares in the third person, “We’ll set up a mothman trap!”  McGarvey strips down to his boxers and starts doing a hula dance.
	“How’s that going to help us catch the mothman?” asks Bob.
	“It won’t! I’m just getting more comfortable,” says McGarvey.  He sits down on the ground, crosses his legs, and starts meditating.
	“Why me? Why me? All I want is to be a rich, famous, all-powerful dictator! Is that too much to ask?” Mike wails as he sits down on the unconscious Joe.
******
	Several minutes pass with McGarvey still meditating in his boxers and Mike sitting on Joe.  Suddenly, Joe sits up knocking Mike to the ground.
	“You stupid *&^%$#@ idiot!!” Mike curses loudly.
	“I have a plan!” Joe proclaims pointing his finger up in the air, “It came to me in a dream.”
	“Normally I’d just dismiss your plan and laugh in your face, but I’m desperate here,” Mike says, “What’s your plan?”
	“Well,” explains Joe, “We get some bait.  The we plant it underneath one of these apartment windows here.  We’ll hide in the room, and when the mothman comes, we drop a net on it.”
	“Joe, that’s brilliant!” exclaims McGarvey jumping up from his meditative position, “You always surprise me. Your abstract pondering is worthy of much beard scratching.”
	“It sounds like a good plan,” Bob agrees, “But where are we going to get bait? The only thing that seems to attract the mothman is fearful humans.”
	“We’ll need someone who is gullible, weak, and easily frightened.  I know just the guy,” Mike says with a malicious grin.
******
	“Come on guys!  This isn’t funny,” whines Dave Belasco, struggling valiantly against the ropes holding him to a telephone pole.
	“Shut up, Dave!” Mike orders, “You’re going to be our bait for the mothman.”
	“Bite me!” says Dave trying to be brave.
	Mike, Bob, Joe, and McGarvey make their way up to one of the apartments right above where Dave is sitting.  They pull out their makeshift net and wait in anticipation.
	“Har dee har har,” Mike cackles with malevolent glee, “This mothman’s going to make me famous. Then everyone will know how superior I am to the rest of society.”
	Meanwhile, Joe is exploring the decrepit little apartment when he spies a small shiny item in the corner of the room, “Hey cool! A pen!” Joe exclaims with delight.  He fiddles with the pen for a few moments.  “All right,” he cheers, “It’s one of those pens where the clothes fall off the woman when it’s turned upside down!”
	“You’re such an idiot, Meleason,” says Mike.
******
	“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!”
	The sound of an inhuman wail interrupts Mike’s Meleason bashing.  The four friends peer out the window.  The shadowy mothman figure is approaching Dave.  Totos, wearing his Hulkster shirt and bandanna in preparation for this glorious achievement, says to Bob, “Get the net ready!”
	Meanwhile, down on the street, Dave Belasco is beside himself.  “Please don’t eat me Mr. Mothman!  I’m nothing but skin and bones!  I’m weak and sickly,” He fakes a cough. “There you see?”
	“You were warned to leave!” screeches the mothman, “Now it’s too late!”
	Back in the apartment, Joe opens a big crate in the corner.  “Holy Jesus!” Joe exclaims, “I hit the mother load. It’s a whole crate full of sliding-clothes pens.”  Joe picks up the box and starts running toward Mike who is crouched beside the window.  Joe, in typical Meleason fashion, trips over his own two feet, and he goes flying out the window.
	“Doh dee doh!” exclaims Joe.
******
	Back on the street, the mothman is about to attack Dave when he hears a sound from above.  The mothman looks up in time to see Joe Meleason plummeting straight for him.
	“Oh crap.” Says the mothman.  Joe crashes onto the mothman with a thud, crushing him.
	“Joe! You bumbling genius! You caught the mothman,” McGarvey exclaims running out of the building.
	“All in a day’s work for Joe Meleason, master super sleuth,” Joe proudly declares.
	“My organs!” groans the mothman, “He squashed my organs.”
	“Get up you stupid &^%$#@ mothman,” Mike curses.
	The mothman slowly rises. “Hey!” Joe exclaims, “This isn’t a mothman, he’s just wearing a mothman costume.”
	“Then let’s see who you really are.”  Mike grabs the mask of the mothman.  He pulls up to reveal…
******
	“MR. SYSYN!” Mike exclaims with surprise.
	“That’s right!” Sysyn admits, “It was me.”
	“But why?” asks Bob.
	“Why? Why? I’ll tell you why,” says Sysyn with slight malevolence, “Nobody in this world appreciates the wonder that is mathematics.  I was going to destroy Kittanning and build my own mathematical paradise called Calculand.”
	“It’s sick, yet surprisingly brilliant,” marvels Bob.
	“And I’d of gotten away with it, too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids,” Sysyn grumbles.
	“Zoiks!” Joe exclaims.
	“I’m moving to Ford City,” Mike says, “At least there they have a faculty that isn’t made up of homicidal maniacs.”
	“I don’t think so,” says Joe, “Those people over in Ford City are just as weird.  We have it pretty good in Kittanning.”
	“KHS NUMBER ONE!!” exclaims Virgil Flick as he suddenly bolts down Market Street, adding yet another touch of insanity to this already crazy story.
******
	A squad car shows up to take Sysyn away.  Three news vans drive up.  Mike Totos is standing in the middle of it all taking in the glory.
	“That’s right!” Mike gloats, “Everyone thought that Mrs. Bradigan was crazy, but not me. ‘I’ came up with the plan. ‘I’ gathered everyone together. ‘I’ am the greatest human being on the face of the planet. Nobody is as perfect as me! Isn’t that right, mom?
	“Shut up Mike!” says Mrs. Totos.
	“Yes ma’am,” Mike whimpers.
	Suddenly a large black limo approaches.  The crowd of onlookers parts to allow the car access.  The door opens and out steps a man in a black suit.
	“It’s Richard Gere!” Bob exclaims.
	Everyone in the crowd drops to his or her knees and starts chanting, “Hail to Richard! We’re not worthy!  Glory to the Gere!”
	“What is this crap?” asks the annoyed Gere.  “I came here because I heard that there was a real mothman here. Now I find out that it was just some psychotic math teacher in a costume.  Do you people have any idea how many gorgeous women I could have been sleeping with right now?  Kittanning blows.”
	“He said ‘Kittanning.’” Shouts a man.  He swoons in a fit of euphoria.
	“I hate this town,” Gere mutters, “I’m going to Cleveland where they treat people right.”  Richard Gere gets back into his limo and drives away.  The crowd again drops to its knees in reverence.
	“Well that was fun,” says Bob.
	“Hey! You guys want to go eat cookies and read some Shakespeare?” asks Mike.
	“You know it! I love my Shakespeare,” says Joe.
	“And that wraps up this adventure,” says McGarvey.
	The four friends and the crowd of onlookers go their separate ways.  The street is barren once again except for one thing…
	“Guys?” calls Dave. “Hey guys! Untie me. This isn’t funny anymore. Guys??!!”

THE END
(Or is it?)
(Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is the end.)