Wants and Desires

Rated NC-17 for graphic sex between heterosexual adults and references to violence. This story is based on a love story on the show that I have never seen. I hope that I have been faithful to the characters but I have only transcripts to base these stories on. Where appropiate, I have added pieces of the transcripts to fill in the story.

Story Background

This story starts the night Sonny told Brenda that Lily was pregnant. I have changed it slightly so that she and Jax are never married.

Part I

Chapter 1

Jax was home working on a proposal for L & B Records. His mind wouldn't concentrate on dates and names for hot new talent. It wanted to focus on the enchanting co-owner of this business venture. Brenda was very lovely but Jax had known many beautiful women, had dated most of them for personal or business reasons, sometimes both. Many of them possessed a beauty and charm that would make Brenda seem little more than cute in comparison. But, his interest in Ms. Barrett was not because of any surface characters she may or may not possess. He wanted that fiery spirit, the heat of a blazing inferno that everyone of the so called perfect woman lacked. Most of these women were cold and uncaring towards anything or anyone that did not directly interest them or further whatever plan they may be currently hatching. Brenda, though, was very passionate and committed to whatever or whomever she held dear. This was very evident in her all consuming love for Corinthos. Jax could well imagine the very business oriented Ms. Barrett turning into a heated tigress at a word or touch from her beloved mobster. He wanted that love for himself, wanted to see Brenda's eyes flood with desire when she looked at him the way she looked at Sonny.

Jax usually wasn't jealous. In business, such an emotion was a dangerous tool for an enemy to latch onto and use against him. Jax had learned not to take risks. He knew what image to present and the correct words and emotions to reveal to anyone who could turn into a rival overnight. Even with his years of organization and taking of logical steps to whatever goal he perceived, he couldn't contain the powerful emotion from steeling over his mind painting his every image of the model and the mobster with shades of green.

So, he was very surprised to receive a visitor in the form of this enticing lady that very evening. A knock roused him from his growing irritation over the battle between business and pleasure. It had started raining earlier and when Jax opened the door, Brenda stood before him, soaked. Her hair was heavy with water and it brushed against her slumped shoulders. Her head was bent down so Jax couldn't see her face. When he recovered from the shock, he quickly invited her inside.

He went to the bathroom, grabbed a couple of towels, and returned handing them to her. Her head was still bent down but, even though she seemed oblivious to him, she reached for the towels. He handed her a dry shirt he had grabbed on his way back into the main room and showed her to the bathroom. He shut the door and walked into the living room. Sitting on the couch as he ran his fingers through his golden curls and sighed. His thoughts were a maelstrom as he leaned back. Why was she here? Was this a good thing? Why was she so sad? He heard the bathroom door open and he looked up to see Brenda wearing only the dry shirt he had handed her. His gut felt as though it were being squeezed as feelings of protectiveness threatened to overwhelmed him. His shirt went to her knees and never had she seemed so small and fragile.

'Do you have a dryer?'

Jax nodded but he was caught off guard by her voice. It was very soft, too low for the usually frank woman, and it worried him. She was looking straight at him but was too far away for him to see her face clearly. 'The door before the bathroom.'

Brenda looked to her left and opened the door. She went in and loaded her wet clothes into the front of the dryer. There was a chair beside the folding table and she sat down after starting the dryer. Her mind drifted to the past. She had so many memories of her time with Sonny, she just had to pull them out to rediscover the love and passion that always vibrated between them. She was happy she had a good memory, that's all she had of Sonny now.

Brenda: "I guess love doesn't matter to you right? You're so cool, you can just take love or leave! You really expect me to believe that?!..... God, why are we fighting again .... All I really need Sonny is to know that you forgive me."

Sonny: "For what? Pulling this stunt?"

Brenda: "For betraying you .... There is no way you could ever know how sorry I am. How I wish I could go back and change it, and do things differently."

Sonny: "I can't keep doing this."

Brenda: "I'm not going to push you for anything else. I just wanted you to know that."

Sonny: "That's not what I meant .... (kneels down to where she is on the floor) I can't keep pretending I don't want you anymore." (He kisses her.)

Brenda: "I'm just going to say this and I don't want you to interrupt me, okay?"

Sonny: "Okay."

Brenda: "Sonny I love .. I love you. I can't get past it, it is just a fact of my life. I know you feel the same way too, right??"

Sonny: "You said you didn't want me to interrupt."

Brenda: "Then nod your head or something ...(Sonny looks both ways and gives a slight nod) ..... Yes?(He gives a more reassuring nod) ..... Listen to me, I don't want you to think I am doing this on impulse, because I am not. I've thought this through very carefully for a long time and it is the only thing left for us to do. I'm not going to make demands on you. I am not going to trick you. I just want to offer you all I have to give. Do you understand how much I want you and how much I want us, and I am willing to take it anyway I can? I don't care if it is for a moment here and a moment there. I am willing to take that and have that be enough for me."

Sonny: "What are you trying to say?"

Brenda: "That I won't ask you to leave her. I know the only reason you are alive and here, and not in prison or dead, is because you married Lily, and I am okay with that. I understand it. I am grateful for it. I have decided that no pride is worth saving face, or anything is worth knowing that I can't be with you anymore, and that I will never be able to make love to you anymore. Nothing is worth that to me. So, what I am saying is ... You can do whatever you need to do. You can stay married .....(Voice cracking as she puts her hand towards her mouth).... I'll be your mistress."

Sonny: "You don't mean this Brenda."

Brenda: "I do."

Sonny: "Think Brenda. Sneaking around meeting in shadows, avoiding each other in public, never acknowledging our true feeling to anybody. You can't make me believe that that's what you want."

Brenda: "It is ..... You don't know how hard it is for me without you."

Sonny: "Yes, I do."

Brenda: "Because you feel the same way."

Sonny: "Brenda."

Brenda: "And you know anytime together is better than no time at all."

Sonny: "I can't tell you what this means to me, that you are willing to do this. But I cannot let you."

Brenda: "Why not?!"

Sonny: "Because it is not fair to you."

Brenda: "Please Sonny, let me decide what is fair for me, unless you want to tell me right now that you don't want me anymore."

Sonny: "No, I want you more than anything, but I can't ... I can't do it like this. (Brenda hides her face in her hands and she cries) Come on (hugs her) don't cry ... Don't cry."

Brenda: "I'm giving you an out right now. Everything's going to be so good for you. I'm not as strong as you are, and (she caresses his face gently) I'm a lot more selfish."

Sonny: (with tears in his eyes whispering) "I--I know the way out, and I'm taking it."

Brenda: "What?" Brenda gives him a puzzled look.

Sonny: (still whispering and holding her hands in his) "You."

Brenda: "What do you want Sonny?" She looks at him cautiously.

Sonny: "The same thing you do. I mean, I hope you still do." He smiles at her.

Brenda looks very confused.

Brenda: "Well, you want me to go to Lily and tell her that I won't see you again and that I hate your guts? I'll do that for you." She laughs nervously.

Sonny: "Brenda, my marriage is over. Lily can't say it because whatever strength she had I took from her. So I've got to put things right with her and you, if you'll let me." Brenda is staring incredulously at Sonny. She laughs, not quite believing what she just heard.

Brenda: "You're leaving her?"

Sonny: "I mean if you don't want to, I don't blame you." Brenda is grinning. "I won't beg. Just tell me."

Brenda: "If I don't want to?? Are you kidding me??" (Brenda is smiling and laughing and she hugs Sonny tightly.) "Oh! Oh God! How could you ever, (kiss) ever doubt me?" Sonny is holding Brenda's face in his hands and is showering her with kisses.

Sonny: "Well, after everything I did --" (long, passionate kiss)

Brenda: "You never (Sonny is kissing her neck) did anything. You were so perfect and I was the one that ruined it, and I'm so sorry. I'm going to be so much better, honey. I'll be different."

Sonny: (between kisses) "No, no, don't be different." (Passionate kiss) He holds her and they sway back and forth hugging.

Brenda: "Then don't, just feel me.(Hug) We have the same heart. Do you feel them beating together? That means we love each other and nothing else matters."

Sonny: ".......... She's pregnant."

Brenda slowly backs away shaking her head. She runs towards Kelly's and Sonny chases her trying to stop her.

Brenda: "Leave me alone."

Sonny: "Listen to me!"

Brenda: "Why?! So you can tell me that you are going back to Lily?!"

Sonny: "She's pregnant Brenda, you have to understand that changes everything."

Brenda: "Sonny you love me. How can you ask me to understand that you are going to turn your back on us again?"

It starts storming very badly. Rain is falling fast and hard.

Sonny: "This isn't about us, or how we feel about each other, we already cleared that up."

Brenda: "Obviously we haven't if you think you could just leave."

Sonny: "Brenda, we're the grown ups. You can't ask me to sacrifice my child on anyone's alter, not even yours."

Brenda: "How do you even know Lily is pregnant for sure?"

Sonny: "Its true!"

Brenda: "Did you talk to her doctor?! Did she take a test?!"

Sonny: "Brenda listen, Lily wouldn't lie about this."

Brenda: "Oh of course Lily wouldn't lie, Saint Lily wouldn't lie about anything!!"

Sonny: "She wouldn't lie, don't be unfair now."

Brenda: "Sonny tell me how I am supposed to be fair right now! What do you want me to do?! Do you want me to stand here and smile and try not to flinch, as you rip my heart out?! I was counting on us being together. I was living for it."

Sonny: "Don't you think I was? But us is not an option for me anymore."

Brenda: "How can you say that, there is something we can do about this. We can figure this out together. I know we can. The fact that Lily is pregnant - it doesn't have to be over for us."

Sonny: "A child, a very innocent child."

Brenda: "Listen to me! You can have both ... You can be with me and I would never keep you from seeing your child. I love you Sonny. Lily loves you too, she would never do that to you either."

Sonny: "What?"

Brenda: "You can share joint custody."

Sonny: "NO!"

Brenda: "YES!"

Sonny: "NO...NEVER!"

Brenda: "You're not even considering it."

Sonny: "Never! ... Brenda, a long time ago I swore on everything holy that no child of mine would ever have to live with a big hole in his heart the way I did ... I love you with all my heart, but I can't do that ..... I cant."

Brenda: "So I've really lost you."

Sonny: "At least we had it, we had it twice."

Brenda: "Don't talk about us like we are already in the past (they share a soft kiss) Be a good father, make it worth it."

Sonny: "I love you Brenda."

Chapter 2

Brenda wiped the tears from her face as her memories ended on a painful note. She didn't see any future for Sonny and herself. She wanted him so much, but he was right, the child needed his or her father more than Brenda needed Sonny. But, knowing that fact didn't make it any less painful. She stood up and walked out to the couch where Jax was. She sat on the end opposite of him.

Jax waited, he didn't feel it was a good idea to rush her. He was quiet as he waited for her to open up. Fifteen minutes passed before Brenda lifted her head but, she stared straight ahead. Jax could see she had been crying and he fought the urge to comfort her. He wanted her to feel comfortable alone with him so he continued to sit quietly.

'You're probably wondering what I am doing here.' Jax didn't answer. 'I needed to be around someone who wouldn't lecture or patronize me.'

'I would never do that.'

Brenda nodded, 'I know,' she smiled, 'but I shouldn't have bothered you. I put myself in this mess.'

'It doesn't matter to me.. I am glad you feel comfortable enough to come to me tonight when you are obviously upset. I just hope I can help you.'

Brenda looked at him and he had to swallow hard to fight the tears that struggled to get past his control. Her normally lively, vibrant eyes were dark and clouded with pain. The lids drooped as if it took all her will just to look at him.

'Did Sonny hurt you?'

'No ...., at least not in the way you mean,' she took in a large breath trying to build the strength to tell him, 'Sonny gave me some bad news tonight. I guess it could be good news, depending on how you look at it ..... Lily is pregnant.'

Jax felt a flash of hope wash through him. If Lily had Sonny, maybe Brenda would come to him. He quickly squelched that thought. He was supposed to be supporting Brenda, not wondering how she would react toward him.

'I know I should be happy for him. I'm sure this is a special time for him. But ...,' Brenda fought back a fresh wave of tears but a few snuck through. She started again with a catch in her throat, 'But, when he told me she was pregnant and he couldn't leave his child, I broke inside.'

'I don't want to sound unsupportive, but we are talking about a child, completely vulnerable.'

Brenda nodded, 'You're right. I know that now. I just wanted to be with him so bad I couldn't think of anything else. I was selfish, but I do wish them all the happiness possible,' Brenda continued to speak but she was wiping tears as she spoke and a few times she choked on her words. 'It would be nice to have a measure of that happiness .... I think most of my anger stemmed from the fact that I actually envy Lily.'

'You do?' Jax tried to keep the surprise out of his voice but wasn't very successful.

Brenda nodded, 'She has everything I ever wanted. A family with the man I love.' Brenda's body was wracked with sobs. Jax reached over and held her till the last tremor spread over her. He reached down to lift her face and kissed her gently. The kisses became more passionate but Brenda pulled away. 'I think I should leave.'

'You are welcome to stay.'

'I don't need any more complication in my life right now.'

Brenda stood up and retrieved her clothes from the dryer. She went into the bathroom to change and splashed some cold water on her face. She looked in the mirror and her first thought was that she was looking at a stranger. She dried her face and took a deep breath before opening the door.

'May I use your phone?'

Brenda dialed Lois' number and waited for someone to answer.

'Ashton residence.'

'Hey Ned, its me, Brenda.'

'You don't sound too good, want me to get Lois?'

'That's not necessary. I was really calling to see if I could spend the night.'

'What did Corinthos do this time?'

'I really would rather not talk about it over the phone.'

'That bad, huh? Sure, we loved to have you.'

'Thanks Ned, I'll just go home and pack some stuff.'

'Go home .... Brenda, where exactly are you?'

'I will explain when I get there. See you in a few.' She hung up the phone. 'I really appreciate your help. It means a great deal to me.'

'Anytime you need anything, just let me know.'

Brenda smiled, 'Thanks Jax.'

Jax showed her out and Brenda drove home. She packed up the essentials and headed over to Lois'. On the way, she started to wonder what would have happened had she accepted Jax's offer. Part of her wanted very much to but, something inside told her it wasn't a good idea. Besides, she was still in love with Sonny. No matter how heady the perfume of temptation was, you couldn't replace any once you took a sniff, and especially after you dabbed some on your skin.

The questions started from almost the moment she first walked in the door. She managed to evade them by promising to answer all questions Lois and Ned had when she woke the next morning.

Chapter 3

Two weeks later

Sonny parked his car in front of Lois' house and cut off the engine. All she said was that she needed to talk to him at her house. She had maneuvered out of every question he asked. He had been asking about Brenda since she disappeared from Port Charles, but all Lois would tell him was that she had left town on business. He missed seeing her, even if it was rare. He was miserable without her but he did his best not to let Lily know he was worried. One word to her father and Brenda would be dead. Sonny had to be even more careful now that he didn't know where she was and couldn't protect her.

He had gone with Lily to her last check up and the doctor gave her and the baby a clean bill of health. Sonny realized that until the doctor had confirmed that Lily was indeed pregnant, he had held some hope that she was faking it. If she were, he could have used that against her so he could leave and find Brenda.

He knocked on the door and waited impatiently for it to open. It opened and Lois stood there staring at him for a second. If it wasn't for Brenda, she wouldn't be talking to Sonny unless she had to. She still cared for him but she hadn't forgiven him yet for hurting Brenda again.

'Come in Sonny.'

Sonny stepped into the large house and followed Lois into the kitchen.

'Please sit.'

'What is this all about? Is Brenda okay? You need to tell me what's going on with her.'

Lois just looked at him till he sat down, 'Can I get you something?'

'No thanks.'

Lois opened a drawer and pulled out an envelope. She walked to the table and sat opposite Sonny. She placed the envelope on the table in front of her and Sonny could see his name was the only thing written on the white surface.

'Why did you do it?'

'Do what?'

'Marry Lily?'

'You called me over here just for that?'

'No, I called you over here because I received a letter from Brenda and she wanted me to give this to you,' Lois placed her hand on the envelope.

'So let me see it.'

Lois stared at him again and he knew she wanted an answer to her question.

'I married Lily for two reasons. I couldn't stand being in that cell, you know I'm claustrophobic. The other reason was to protect Brenda.'

'Oh, that excuse. How many times have you hurt Brenda for the sake of protecting her?'

Sonny nodded. He couldn't argue with Lois. He had tried to save Brenda pain many times and in most cases ended up causing her more pain in the protection process.

'How did you think to protect Brenda by marrying someone else?'

'I knew that to get to me, my enemies would get to Brenda. I can protect her better outside the walls of a jail than I can stuck inside.'

Lois chewed on that for awhile. She didn't think Sonny intentionally wanted to hurt Brenda and she knew he loved Brenda. 'So when you signed the marriage license, you received a Get out of Jail Free card?'

'Her father had the proper connections. I just had the misfortune of his daughter falling in love with me.'

Lois nodded and passed the envelope to Sonny. He picked it up and was about to rip it open when he noticed something strange about the envelope.

'You didn't open it?'

'Brenda asked me not to.'

'That must have been hard for you Ceru ... I mean, Ashton.'

Lois gave him a look and he chose to concentrate on the envelope. He ripped it open and unfolded the letter. It was filled with Brenda's beautiful flowing script.

Sonny,

I hope you are doing well. I thought

it was time that I wrote you and told you

what happened to me.

I told you I had job offers in Los

Angeles and New York. This was true but I

chose not to take either one. Instead, I am

in California setting up a new branch of

L & B Records. I needed to get out of town

for awhile and Lois and I had discussed this,

so it seemed to make sense to combine the

endeavors.

I hope you are happy with Lily and

looking forward to the arrival of your first

born. I want to apologize to you for the way

I acted when you told me. It was a shock and

I reacted badly.

I want you to know that I still love you

as deeply as I ever did. I truly want

you to be happy even if that happiness

is found without me. Anytime you need

anything, don't hesitate to tell Lois.

She knows how to contact me.

All my love and best wishes,

Brenda

Sonny was crying softly when he finished reading the letter. He knew he was the reason Brenda had left town. It hurt her too badly to see him with Lily. He swore to himself that one day he would make it up to her if it took the rest of his life. Sonny started to put the letter in his pocket when Lois stopped him, 'Brenda told me to keep it. She didn't want you to get in trouble if your wife found it.' Sonny nodded and handed Lois the letter.

Chapter 4

Somewhere in Puerto Rico

A man sat behind a large desk shuffling papers. There was a knock on the door and he told the person to come in. Another man walked in and sat down in front of the desk. He pulled out a piece of paper and started folding it into a particular shape.

'Are you sure about this information?' the man behind the desk asked.

'Yes sir. We intercepted the letter.'

The man sighed, 'I thought she was being smart and leaving my son in-law alone. But, she can't seem to respect marriage. Someone has to pay for this.'

'Yes, Mr. Rivera. The plan is ready to set into motion, we just need your approval.'

Rivera sat up straight in his seat, 'Do it.' Rivera slammed his fist down onto the desk, 'Make the bastard pay for insulting my daughter.'

The man stood up and nodded. He dropped something on the desk before leaving.

Rivera picked up the origami bird, 'He's getting better at these.'

Los Angeles

Brenda was having dinner with the man who agreed to be a source of funds for L & B Records. Mr. Cole was an older man who's considerable fortune allowed him to be generous to whatever projects peaked his interest. He had decided to sponsor Brenda and help L & B Records in its goal to become national.

'I really do appreciate you accepting my dinner invitation.'

'It was the least I could do to thank you for your contribution. I just want you to know my business partner and myself really appreciate your help.'

'It makes me happy to see young people starting their own businesses. Hard work, determination,and dedication will take you anywhere you want to go.'

'A toast to the joint endeavor of L & B Records and our very generous benefactor.'

CLINK

BOOM

Port Charles

'LILY!!!' Sonny was thrown back a little from the blast. He looked toward the flaming wreckage of his car and sunk to his knees. Tears streamed down his face as he took in the carnage before him.

'Sonny, Sonny, are you okay?!?!' Jason helped his friend up.

The bodyguards quickly searched the other cars for explosive devices and Sonny was driven home. He was oblivious to everything and everyone around him. His mind kept repeating the explosion and tears fell unbidden down his grief lined face as water from a broken damn. Jason had the bodyguards carry Sonny to his bed were they left him alone for the rest of the night. He was in shock and would be incoherent till the next morning at least.

He fell asleep when he cried all the tears his body contained. The last image he saw was the moment of the explosion as it played across his mind in slow motion. It's nightmarish image forever imprinted on his mind.

Chapter 5

Lois found out what happened to Lily. She knew Sonny blamed himself for what happened. She called Brenda to tell her.

Brenda: "Hello?"

Lois: "Hey girlfriend. How are things in L.A., met any cute actors?"

Brenda: "Hey Lois, I was just thinking about you. I have some great news."

Lois: "Oh?"

Brenda: "I found a sponsor for our new office."

Lois: "That's great."

Brenda noticed Lois' lack of enthusiasm. She wondered what is wrong but kept talking.

Brenda: "His name is Alexander Cole. He is really interested in this venture. He is helping me look for a building now."

Lois: "Wow, I didn't think we could pull it off."

Brenda: "Okay, obviously something's wrong .... What?"

Lois: "You might want to sit down."

Brenda sat down on the bed in her hotel room. She heard a click as Ned picked up the extension.

Brenda: "Is it Sonny"

Ned: "He's alive, but there has been an explosion."

Lois: "Brenda, ... Lily's dead."

Brenda: "An explosion?"

Ned: "A car bomb, ... They were at Luke's. Sonny bought champagne for the house, everyone was drinking. Sonny had been drinking a lot so Lily insisted on driving the car."

Brenda: "Sonny's car?"

Ned: "Yes. Jason saw the whole thing. Lily climbed into the Jag ... He said there was no way she could have known."

Brenda: "But Sonny was ok, he was still in the club?"

Ned: "He was actually outside the club, it happened right in front of him. Luke said he was out of it. He just fell to the ground. Jason had to help him walk."

Brenda: "Oh God."

Ned: "They're pretty sure it was meant for him. Not many people try to kill a school teacher."

Brenda: "I have to go to him."

Lois: "He spends all his time in the penthouse, he is in really bad shape."

Brenda: "I have to go to him."

Lois: "Brenda, I don't think you really want to see him like this."

Brenda: "I have to go to him. I'll catch the next plane. I will see you soon."

Everyone hung up. Ned looked at Lois. She knew he didn't approve of Sonny's relationship with Brenda. Lois was glad when he didn't say anything.

Brenda stood in front of the penthouse door. She had come back to town on instinct. Now that she was actually here, she was worried that maybe it wasn't the right thing for her to have done. She had been selfish the last time Sonny talked to her and then she just left without telling him where she was going. She knew she had done the right thing. If Sonny had known why she left, he would have come after her and she needed to be alone. She had to restart her life with the knowledge that she would never again be with Sonny. She couldn't do that with her having to see him with Lily everyday.

Brenda took one last breath of courage and knocked. Nothing happened.

Brenda: "Sonny its me ..... Sonny come on I know you're in there .... Sonny please."

Sonny opened the door. He looked run down and his place was a mess.

Brenda: "I came as soon as I heard. I am so sorry, it shouldn't have happened."

Sonny: "I told her I was going to protect her. I did a hell of a job."

Brenda: "Oh Sonny."

Sonny tried to clean up but only succeeded in dropping things.

Brenda: "Its not your fault."

Sonny: "Yeah it was ....."

Brenda: "Its all right, its okay."

Sonny: "He was trying to kill me."

Brenda: "Her father?"

Sonny: "I backed out of a deal. So he had no choice but to come after me. That's the way it works in my world."

Brenda: "Lily is dead because of us?"

Sonny: "No. No, you're not listening to me. Because of me, you were incidental. Me walking away from her was my crime. Or maybe I'm wrong ... Maybe just for loving me, she died for nothing more than that."

Brenda: "If that's true, I know she wasn't sorry .. She loved you .. She had you for a little while ..She knew you chose chose her in the end, and I know that meant everything to her."

Sonny: "I broke every promise I ever made to her. I used her love and then I killed her."

Brenda: "That's not true."

Sonny: "It is true. I was going to leave her, and the funny part about it was that I was counting on her to save me. I convinced myself