My friends all know that I deny the thing some people call God. So if you are a believer. Get out of this site ;)

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Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why's that?

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Eh umh.....You're a day late.

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What is a headache?

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

"Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

- *LOL* I looove that one!

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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God:

- "Lord, I have a problem."

- "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

- "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

- "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

- "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

- "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

- "What's a 'woman', Lord?"

- "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

- "Sounds great."

- "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

- "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

- "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

- Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God,

"Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good", says the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. " Oh no, " she thought, I'm not gonna like this. " Little Johnny, which part of the body goes to heaven first?" she asked.

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, " Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, " Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my Mom had her feet up in the air and she said, " Oh God, I'm coming!", but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."
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The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.

About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in there?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant."

"Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!", said the nurse.

"I know. But it sure cured her hiccups."
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A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "He sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?"

"Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?"

"About this celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin'it?"

"Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand!"

"Well would ya ever consider, you know doin'it?"

The nun thinks a while

"Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it."

"Well, what would dose conditions happen to be?"

"He'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and, well certainly he could have no children."

"Sista, today is your lucky day. I'm all three. Why do youse come on up here... I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."

The nun looks around... They are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her...at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling form ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. She inquires,

"Why, my son, what is so humorous?"

The cabbie sneers,

"Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids."

And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well, my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."
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A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next! God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him back up here!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Thats all for now but I can reasure you that there is more to come, so please, please with sugar on top, come back another time :)