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The Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
The Mermaid
There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuplet my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to times my I.Q. by five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman.
The Italian Who Went To Malta
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Confession
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know. A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?" The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy." So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" The woman said, "Twice." Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
The Test
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
If Only
Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their rocking chairs one lazy afternoon, Grandpa started feeling spry and reached over and gave Grandma's breast a squeeze and said "You know Ma, if this would give milk we could get rid of the cow." To that Grandma said, "Yep we sure could." After a while Grandpa reach over to Grandma's crotch and gave it a pat and said, "You know Ma, if this could give eggs we could get rid of the chickens." Grandma said, "Yep we sure could." After a short while Grandma reached over to Grandpa and started stroking his Jewels and said, "You know Pa, if this could get hard we could get rid of your brother.
CIA Training
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. One day, as part of their extensive training, they are taken to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room. The instructor loads two rounds into a pistol, and tells the men, "To prove your dedication to your country and ability to carry out any task, you will each be given a pistol with two rounds in it-and your task will be to kill your wife." With that, he hands the pistol to the youngest man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The man's wife is led into the next room. The trainee takes the weapon and goes into the room, but comes back out almost immediately and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail; sorry." They then bring the second guy's wife into the room. The instructor loads hands the pistol to the next man and says, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon and goes into the next room, but comes back out a few minutes later and says, "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail; sorry." Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room. The instructor hands the pistol to the third man and says, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon and goes into the next room. There is silence for about a minute-then, suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds, and a huge commotion ensues in the room. Several minutes later, the man finally emerges from the room, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, idiot! You gave me blanks. I had to CHOKE her.
Apprehending Criminals
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Lonesome
A man has trouble communicating with his wife and is lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to go into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy remarks, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me." So the guy buys the parrot, and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." "Then he fondled her breasts." "He did??" "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." "My God, what happened next?!?" "I don't know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was visiting the zoo with his Father. He stopped and stared in fascination at the elephant. "Hey Dad." he asked, pointing. "What's that thing hanging down ?" "Why, that's the elephant's trunk." his Father replied. "No, I mean there... the other end." "Oh. That's the elephant's penis." "That's funny..." Johnny mused. "last time we were here, Mommy told me it was nothing." "Well son." said the Father smiling. "You have to remember, your Mother is a very spoiled woman."
Santa Clause - The Brutal Truth
(After doing a long scientific study on the idea of "Santa Claus", here is what we discovered)
No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per household.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept, we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moved at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!
353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now quite dead. If he's not, I hope he comes to our homes first.
Now YOU Decide
Horse Racing
A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race. The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows." The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front." The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks." They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."
