This came from a cascade of email exchange between Kiljoy and myself [Quiara].
Feel free to send me commentary that may or may not be posted here eventually, or mail Kiljoy.
Kiljoy's comments are set off by >, mine are not.
The fights set off by >> are mine, as are the plain ones.
I will be posting the tale of Valena soon, hold your horses.
some content may offend momentarily, get over it. I'm not 18 either.
And now, the fights!

>>Zahn vs. KJA
>- After making a valiant attempt using his newest Grand
>Admiral, with the bluish skin to protect himself, Zahn's brain explodes after
>KJA releases that Jedi singer/historian lady on him and she commences to
>perform. (Tionne??cant remember)
Rukh could take out Tionne with a glance. A Glance. and would Zahn go anywhere without his Noghri bodyguard? I don't think so! besides, if you're bringing chars into this, Thrawn could kick Daala's ass into the next millenia. Think about it. besides, who invented which char?
Zahn- Mara, Karrde, Ghent, Thrawn, Pelleaon [sp], Jacen, Jaina, Anakin, Winter, every Noghri etc. etc. etc.
character assassinations [weak or out of character writing, not deaths]-point one out.
KJA- Qwi, Daala, Kyp, Gantoris, Exar, Streen, Tenel Ka, Tionne, etc. etc. etc.
character assassinations-Mara, Luke, Jaina, Jacen, Kyp, Wedge, Daala, Qwi, Exar, every Noghri [where the hell were they?] etc. etc. etc.

mmmm....ought to take this into the "KJA- hate him? love him?" debate, soon....

>>Valena vs. Jedi Master Skywalker written by KJA [a phrase rarely heard, mark
>it
>>on the calendar again]
>good coming from you
> - Basically from what I know of Valena she's one tough
>cookie, but would be no challenge for Luke in any normal situation. But Luke
>becomes taken with her, and chooses instead to bow infront of her. Valena
>then procedes to sever his head from his neck.
You like it when I say Jedi Master Skywalker? well gollee...if I knew your last name I'd paste it right in...prolly sounds better.
back to the fights- Valena would probably not be able to beat Luke, except for the fact that Luke would defer to her as a fully trained Jedi [which even JMS isn't, I think] Valena knows more about the peaceful side of the Force, because she had more time to learn from Yoda, whereas Luke just learned what he would need to survive his dad and ran from there. Plus, Valena's WAY too old for JMS, and if Anakin saw him looking at Valena it would be curtains...he'd be taken to his grave...fatherly instinct notwithstanding, since Anakin's is questionable at the best of times, and Valena is specifically Anakin's...no questions asked.

>>Anakin vs. JMS
>ack, a toughie....i'll have to think about that.
my heart says Anakin...maybe just cause I don't like JMS tho.

>Kyp vs. Vader
>As it was said once, by whom I dont know..."Size matters not."
>Kyp proves that false when he extends his lightsabre to immense proportions.
>Vader cringes and begins to weep openly with a bad case of "sabre envy"
Gantoris was the one with the expanding lsabre. Vader shows Kyp the true power of the Dark Side, Kyp collapses, wreathed in electricity and crying for JMS, who's off getting some from Callista. Oh well...bye Kyp! Like Vader wouldn't kick his ass into yesterday...what were you thinking? I've gotta type some more
story....get you away from KJA...it's worse than a lot of things...

>>Callista vs. Qwi Xux
>hmm...I'll have to think about that one.
I don't know either...who can I stand the least? Callie's in Mara's way, and Qwi is in my way...hmm....

>>Luke vs. Qwi
>It'd be a contest of the whiners till eventually Qwi forgets
>what it was she was doing, and gets up and walks out into the vacuum of
>space..without a suit.
Luke blows gently on Qwi and she floats away, screaming for Wedge who waves goodbye to her while smiling and cheering for Luke. Tycho is hovering nearby along with the shades of Biggs and the other pilots against the first Death Star and all the other Rogue Squadron pilots who bit the dust at the hands of one of Qwi's creations and they, all together, float her into space on a breeze created by opening and closing S-foils rapidly. The End.

>Zeth vs. Biggs
>Biggs desintigrates Zeth in a postmortum space duel.
Agreed...Just checkin.
How about Biggs vs. Porkins
Corran Horn vs. Porkins [say bye bye, lardball]
Bror Jace vs. Porkins [fair fight]
any other RogueSq. pilot vs. Farmboy Luke w/out Glowin' Ben [wave to the desert boy]

>>Lando vs. Talon Karrde
>Talon had it all under control, until he suddenly
>disappeared from existence, Lando procedes to hunt him down, with Mara at his
>side. At the last moment Mara extendes her sabre into Landos' solar plexus
>allowing him to die a slow painful death. All in protection for the first man
>to give her work after the cruel destruction of the death star.
I like it! Except Lando wouldn't hunt him down, he'd go off with yet another insane scheme and then become a Calrissian kabob the first time he tried to lay a finger on Jade.

>>Mara vs. Luke
>as if, there's even a question
Well, how about Mara vs. JMS?

>Quiara vs. Kiljoy - Quiara wins hands down, muttering a few giggles, and an
>occasional hug, Kiljoy didnt even feel the Jedi mind trick take control as it
>happened.
*kiss* that's just about right. how'dya know?

>>Luke vs. Ben
>is this a translucent image of Ben or The Ben? If the image,
>then no question about it, Ben would win only because he'd pansy out and be
>afraid to lose again by one of his students. He'd call upon Exar Kun to
>assist in the destruction.
Um, I think so...except if it was BlueBen he'd have BlueYoda come along and whack Luke with a glowing gimer stick, and BlueAnakin to cut Luke's hand off [again]. so I think BlueBen would win...even without Exar, altho he could come in handy if BlueYoda and BlueAnakin decide to help Luke instead of their glowing pal.

>If The Ben, then Luke would make that old goat squeal out some of his poorly
>done dragon calls, before slashing him into bantha feed.
Ok, I can see that.
How about Obi-wan [not glowin'] vs. JMS?

>>JMS vs. Qwi [who is more useless during the trilogy?] depends which trilogy
>we're talking about, if its the big one, then that's really tough being she
>designed the death star and all and that was such an essential part of the
>entire universe that we appreciate so well. and because of the creation and
>destruction of the first death star, well there would be no JMS, he'd
>probabally be fried in an X-wing somewhere, and probabally not even a
>squadron commander.
I meant the Jedi Academy Trilogy, since Qwi's not in The Trilogy....but your points were still vaild.

>>Daala vs. Qwi [ditto]
>Daala ick, Qwi, yuck. 'nuff said. Which is worse, ick or yuck? I'd rather see...umm...ah...ohhh....I don't know which of them die!

>>Han vs. Mara
>Mara would have that Corellian polishing her boots with
>Wookiee fur in seconds.
I thought so too. Mara would be likely to go in for some Jedi Mind tricks Luke contemplates but JMS never uses, and Han would fall for them and her. "Leia? who's Leia? Mistress Mara, are these shiny enough yet? you want me to lick them? all right...."
Where did you think I learned mine, Yavin Four? Fat chance

>>Mara vs. Callista
>Again I mean i thought the brief Callista interlude was
>OKAY, but I really didnt like the image thing, and just..."didnt quite get
>it" Mara is the only one, who could make Luke stop that infernal whining. But
>if we talking about hand-to-hand, Mara doesnt have any official training and
>Callista is a Jedi from way back...however, Callista and her lightsabre prove
>no match for Mara's blaster at her side.
Mara does so have official training- it's just not on the Light Side. you think Palpy would send his Hand off into the galaxy and not have her fully able to use any weapon she came across, including lsabres? I don't!
On the romance front, too...Callista bites the dust.

>>Mara vs. Qwi [eat dust, Omwat!]
>hmm, the only question is not, who'd win,
>but where Mara would choose to mount Qwi's head after the deed is done.
hmmm...don't know...over the Skywalker marriage bed, perhaps...or maybe she'd give it to Wedge and Quiara as a wedding present...

>>Qwi vs. Quiara [want to see that, now]
- well lets see,
>anyone that doesnt know to put a frakkin "U" after a "Q" deserves a painful
>death. Qwi would be taken down and put in her place, (right beside
>Wedge..)
EXCUSE ME! Wedge is mine, mine mine mine mine! I don't want Qwi anywhere near him, ever! My Wedge... *hugs Wedge who looks rather shocked at the sudden outburst of his wife* Wedge says, "Quiara, hon, calm down! Who the heck is Qwi, anyway? I know I call you Qui sometimes, but that didn't look like a typo to me. Are you feeling all right? Is this Garrett person bothering you?" and looks at you threateningly. Quiara kisses Wedge....no, she *kisses* Wedge...make that *~*KISSES*~* Wedge. When they finally come up for air, she tells him, "Qwi is just this character in a really bad dream I had once and told Garrett about. She designed the Death Star and got her memories stolen...and you fell in love with her. She wasn't even human, darling."
Wedge looks happy about the kiss, but confused by her explanation. "But I'd never fall in love with the person who designed the Death Star! They must be a cruel, sadistic fiend. Besides, the only people we know who might be able to take memories are Luke and Mara, and they wouldn't do such a thing. Was your dream about them? They've been off on their honeymoon for, oh, a month now, and they're due back anytime, so I guess that makes sense. Love, I'd never fall for an alien while I had you. I don't object to Rogue Squad pilots with interspecies relationships, but I certainly don't want one."
"I know, dear." Quiara kisses Wedge again and closes the curtain on her own personal "How I would fix everything".

>now you...

>JMS vs. R2D2
R2 shocks him with the little welder, JMS chops R2 in half, good riddance....except that then JMS falls into angst ridden daze...he killed his best and most faithful friend....argh....and throws himself off the temple...landing on Kyp and Tionne [doing what, don't ask, you know] and killing them both, surviving nonetheless...

>C3P0 vs. R2D2
3PO and R2...don't know...ummm...tempted to say 3PO just so I can have fun coming up with the logic behind it. perhaps Artoo is about to roll off a cliff and 3PO tells him not to in Bocce or Ubese, and Artoo isn't programmed to understand it. bye bye trash can!

>Chewbacca vs. The entire Ewok village.
Rocks and sticks vs. a bowcaster? can Han support him with strafing from the Falcon? can the Wookiee be armed with the Falcon? I think...the goddamn fuzzies would win, much as I hate it.

>Leia vs. Mara
Well, if the battlefield is "how many times have you kissed Luke?" but I won't go there...
lessee...Mara reveals embarrassing secrets about Leia's dad [you don't want to know, and neither do I, so don't make me come up with them...something about the infamous leash, perhaps] and Leia collapses in a classic fit of Skywalker angst, possibly screaming "That's impossible"

>Leia vs. Mon Mothma
Leia defeats the Bothan sympathizer in a cruel, drawn out battle of wits. Or, Leia makes a Chandrillan kabob. Your pick, but Mon Mothma bothers me...she's too sweet.

>Thrawn vs. Tarkin
umm...in the single Thrawn meets Daala fanfic I've read, he demoted her to Commander. I think I've gotta go with Thrawn...besides, the bodyguard thing...but it may be a close match, considering "Vader's leash"....
That proposes Noghri matches-
Vader vs. Rukh
or JMS vs. Rukh, if he could be induced to attack the son of Vader
>Mara vs. Rukh
"No, Rukh, that doesn't hurt Skywalker, actually, he likes it a lot. Don't you, Skywalker?" *Mara repeats action, Luke moans in assent, Rukh goes away*

>Kiljoy vs. JMS
umm...Kiljoy screams at JMS for whining, for being a moron and for going with Callista over Mara. JMS sees the 'true Jedi wisdom' of Kiljoy's inner serenity, throws himself at Kiljoy's feet while turning on aw shucks farmboy charm at Quiara [who happens to be standing behind Kiljoy]. Kiljoy intercepts the charming glance and curses JMS, then freezes him in carbonite and presents him to Quiara for the next holiday.

on the other hand:
Kiljoy vs. Luke
ummm...Kiljoy tries out hero worship until he realizes what a dork farmboy is. *sigh* disillusionment. Kiljoy, in a fit of rage and bewilderment not to mention sorrow, slices off Farmboy's head, stuffs and presents to Quiara who promptly places it in her growing collection of Skywalker parts.

The end...for now. We're still emailing like crazy, so the world is still at risk.

Go back to the Wedge for President homepage.
Or the Society for the Extermination of Ewoks.