No one comes here anymore; so I decided to make it a little something for myself. I guess it's going to turn into something of an online diary. Funny thing is that it'll be more secret than any paper version I could write, just by it's sheer obscurity. I have these delusional thoughts thinking that someday people might actually read what I write on a regular basis; but frankly; I'm not that interesting. So if you're here, and you're not me, feel free to read up, and learn more about me than anyone else in the world. That probably includes myself. I'm not going to list an email address, because frankly, I don't want to know if people are reading what I write; it'd kind of defeat the purpose of a diary. Besides which; I doubt I'll be updating this more than a dozen times. I'm a bit of a slacker when it comes to stuff like that.

Who am I? I don't think I really know the answer to that; it's kind of why I'm writing in the first place. I know what I do, but not who I am. I go to school, at the University of Alberta. I take Civil Engineering. My marks hover around the cutoff for Dean's List, so I'm by no means a poor student. I take karate, or rather, I teach karate. For the last six years and a couple months, I've been going out a few times a week, and working out. I got my black belt two years ago, and now spend more time teaching students at the Bluequill and Devon clubs than I spend learning new stuff. I've almost fallen into an adminisitrative position; I like the thought of having the responsibility, but I don't want to get soft and out of shape from it. I started going because my girlfriend at the time (Heather) was a student; I stayed for the exercise, and finally for the art. It's a beautiful thing to see done well. I'm Pagan. Sortof. I'm definitely not Christian, nor Buddhist, nor any other religion really. I got interested in Paganism from the movie "The Craft"; I was dating Heather at the time it was released, and she was really interested in it, and mentioned having done some websearches while we were talking over ICQ. I didn't want to be left out, so I did some searching of my own. I found out a lot about Wicca. The premise behind the thealogy was interesting to me, but the packaging, if you will, wasn't right. From there, I mixed and matched, and called myself Pagan. I'm afraid I'm not very devout, however. I rarely celebrate the sabbats or esbats, and most of the time I don't think about it. Every so often though, I'll look up at the moon, and get stunned. I guess I'm the type of pagan to match all the christians who only every go to church on christmas.

Aside from the rambling; I'm noticing a trend. I don't seem to start doing things on my own; I'll wait until someone else will start, then I'll join up. Granted, if I find something I like to do, I'll stick with it, but I can't really remember the last time I did something semi-major because I wanted to. Even going to university wasn't really a choice. I got $3250 in scholarships out of highschool, and it seemed like a waste not to use free money. I tried to get into Architecture at the University of Waterloo, got shortlisted for the application process, but between me slacking off, and the mail taking forever between here and Ontario, I never heard back from them. I slacked off some more, and ended up missing the application deadline for the University of Alberta, so I worked for a year, and went into Engineering the next. I did choose Civil Engineering on my own; but that was about the closest relation to architecture I could get. I still plan getting an architecture degree at some point. Even when I moved away from home the first time, it wasn't really something I decided for myself. A friend of mine lived out of province, and needed a roommate when she couldn't get a place in residence. She asked me, I said yes. I'm not sure what to call the resulting situation; it was either euphoria or disaster, depending on the day and the circustances. At the moment though, I'm leaning towards disaster. More on that later though. On the whole, I guess I'm a bit of a follower. I tend to make up excuses for why I can't do something on my own. It's fast approaching the time where I won't be able to do that anymore though. When you don't really have any friends, it's hard to follow someone into doing something.

That's it for tonight. I want to go read, or eat or sleep. Maybe I'm just tired of typing to myself. Whatever.

p.s. the incongruity of running this through a spellchecker just hit me. I'm anal-retentive enough though, that I did, and corrected all the mistakes. Oh, and just on the off chance someone does read this, thealogy isn't spelled wrong; it's the feminine form of theology. Goddess, not God.

Just re-read last nights ramble; I caught the spelling mistakes but the grammar left something to be desired. Oh well, Bucknell won't get a chance to mark it.

I'm in a pretty foul mood at the moment; had stir fry for supper, but wanted scrambled eggs with ham and cheese on a croissant. I wasn't doing the cooking though, so I didn't get the choice. Or rather; I was consulted, but not listened to. Seems like it was a waste of time, looking back on it. It seems like such a small thing to be pissed of over, but that's only a part of it. Small choices like that only touch off the bad moods. I've come to realize that the moods themselves are because I don't like the situation I'm in. I don't like not being in control of my life. I don't like it when people decide things for me, I want to have the choice. Something that pisses me off a lot, strange as it may sound, is when people try to help me with something. I want to do everything on my own, and if I can't, I want to have the option to ask for help. Sometimes I'm a stubborn ass and don't ask when I should have, but I like feeling the consequences of my actions. Even, in a perverse way, the bad choices. It lets me know that what I'm doing affects where I'm going, that I'm not just being dragged along with life for the ride. Sure, I'm always traveling in one direction, but I want at least the freedom to dodge the shit that comes at me.

Right now, I don't really feel like I've got a choice in much. I have to get up for work at 5:35 every morning, because I have to catch a ride to work with my mom, who has to be downtown by 7:10 every morning, so she can sit for 20 minutes drinking coffee and smoking before she starts work. My car has a busted tail light assembly, and it's been way to fucking cold to try and fix it. Plus, I don't have the glue shit or whatever they use, to put the new one in. The first choice of the day is what to wear, but that generally ends up being whatever's clean and hanging closest to me. My second choice is what kind of tea I have in the morning. The sad part is, I'm a creature of habit, so I almost always get a Sencha Green. I get to work, read a few comics before 8, maybe surf slashdot a bit, then I start on whatever my boss decides is the most important piece of data entry that needs to be done. I fucking hate working under a technologist. I don't resent him for not being an actual engineer or anything; that's no biggie. I hate spending 8 hours every frigging day doing mindless, menial, repetitive data entry, on whatever the computer program of the day is. Hire a fucking secretary for that, instead of blowing $17 an hour on someone who's just about graduated as an engineer. It'd have to be a better expenditure of taxpayer dollars. I'm not stupid; so stop giving me jobs that a stupid person can do. I go for lunch around 12:30 (and what I want to eat is choice number three for the day), so I can get a seat in the food court, and 45 minutes later, head back up for more drone-work until 4. After that, I head back to the parkade, meet my mom and head home. Get home, eat supper, and if it's monday, tuesday, or wednesday, go to karate. I'm not sure whether you can call that a choice or not. Tuesdays, it's not. Monday and Wednesday, it usually is, but it's pretty heavily weighted, because I never know if I'm going to be the only instructor or not. On a side note, I find that I enjoy teaching, as long as someone is willing to learn. People tell me I have amazing patience when it comes to mistakes. I guess they only see me working with people who actually try; I tend to ignore the ones who're slacking off. I'd probably make a shitty school teacher for that reason, but that's not something I wanted to do in any event. If it's not a karate night, I'll usually go off and read, or dick around on the computer. After that, it's bedtime. Total number of choices; three. At least when I get the friggin tail light assembly in, I'll have a bit more freedom. I miss living on my own; it was nice being able to do something on a whim, and not having to report to anyone, or even having anyone know. I can't wait until I graduate. That's become something of a mantra for me; something to remind me that there are theoretically better times ahead. I'm a bit afraid that I'm just leading myself on, but the logic seems pretty sound to me. After I graduate, I won't have to save up for tuition, so I'll be able to afford rent with ease, along with a decent vehicle, so I should be able to get around wherever I want to be. That's the theory anyways.

That seems like a good place to leave off for the night. I'm going to go draw a bath and read.

I wanted to get the start of a thought down here, before I forgot it completely. I while driving home today, I was trying to explain some basic calculus concepts to my mom, the topic shifted to geometry, and she said something along the lines of "Why would I want to be able to know how to calculate the length of the third side of a triangle?" I don't remember my response, but her reply stunned me. "That's the difference between a male mind and a female mind, a male mind spends time figuring out how things work, and how to do them; a female mind spends time trying to figure out how to get someone else to do something for them." The quote might not be exact, but it's words to the same effect. I can't help but wonder whether or not that's true. I know guys and girls thing differently, but I didn't think the difference was quite so fundamental. If that's the case, I probably frustrate a lot of women. I don't generally do things for someone else (at least not of an intellectual nature), I'd rather spend the time teaching them how to do it; even if I have to go through step by step. I'm pretty oblivious to how people feel, so I'm really not sure if that pisses people off, or makes them grateful. On one hand, I've been told by a lot of people that I'm a good teacher, and that I'm amazingly patient. On the other hand, I've been single for a while now.

The difference between solitude and loneliness is only the enjoyment; I'm definitely getting a bit lonely. It's not that I spend all my time at home or anything; I don't, not by any stretch of the imagination. It's more that I don't have anyone I can just curl up with and talk to. I miss lying down with someone, and feeling their the heat of their body next to me, the softness of their skin. I miss knowing that I was important to someone. I suppose there's time for that kind of thing later, but I find I have a hell of a time meeting people. I don't like going to bars, and there aren't many prospects in the karate classes. I don't do the gym thing either, though it's a possibility. I'm not in school for another 8 months, and all of the people I work with are guys. All the girls that I could be introduced to at work are already in long term relationships. A lot of my situation is my own fault, but that only serves to make things worse. I tend to fall in love very quickly, very deeply; and often with people I shouldn't.

I need to get my car fixed and do some shopping; I got my first paycheque from work. It was only 60 hours, but $850 isn't anything to sneeze at for a student. I've got another seven and a half months of paycheques coming too. Unfortunately, I have 8 months of tuition to pay for directly after that. Possibly 8 months of rent as well, though I haven't decided that part yet. It's possible being up north for three weeks out of the month will give me a chance to reestablish my independence. I won't have any expenses up there either; even my food is covered by the government. I'm looking forward to it. More for the thought that I'll be up in relative wilderness, that for anything else. I think I'll like being on my own again though; which may sound odd, given the second paragraph back. It's more the freedom I'll enjoy up north; I'll be doing my own thing when I'm not working, and I'll be responsible to myself. I can deal with people on my terms, and not have to worry about what I do, or how I do it. That's the thought anyway; I guess I'll see how it actually works when I get up there.

Once again, that's it for now. I haven't had a shower after karate yet; I need one.

And thus it begins. I suppose I only missed a couple of days, but that's how this type of thing usually goes. I'll work religiously for a week or so (less than that, in this case), then everything gradually falls by the wayside. I had a pretty decent day on Sunday, borrowed mom's car, and went out shopping. I spent -far- too much money, but it's been years since I've done anything like that, so I figured I was due. I made the mistake though, of getting myself a couple new computer games (splinter cell, and Civilization III), so I'm pretty lacking in the sleep department lately. It's taken up pretty much all of my free time too, s'why I haven't been posting here, for the most part. That, and I totally forgot to. Monday wasn't bad, as Mondays go; ran out of new/interesting work by mid-afternoon, and we have out-of-towners in the office for meetings all week, so the cube next to me with the GIS station in it is occupied; I can't even putz around there learning ArcGIS. Today was pretty dull; I got to give my "boss" a summary of the highway safety report he had done. Pretty much worked out that I read fifty or sixty pages of crap, and condensed it down to two. It was pretty interesting, seeing how people combine statistical data, and try to come up with meaningful information. The one I was reviewing yesterday and today was better than most, but there were still a few conclusions that didn't quite make sense. By the time I get sent up north for the summer, I'm going to know every kilometer of the friggin highway inside and out. The pictures I've seen have been pretty though; it looks like really nice country. I'm getting anxious to leave.

Karate was pretty amusing on monday; we had some students come back after a four year absence. They're all pretty close to me in both age, and belt level; but they probably have a good 20 pounds on me at the least. They're not afraid to go pretty hard, either. It's a bit of a switch from the kids and older adults, but I'm looking forward to it. I've wanted to improve my sparring for a good long time now. Today was even more amusing; I seem to have opened up a courier service between the classes. Pat had the Bluequill key to give me, from Joe, and Brian's hakama. It's probably a good thing I get around a fair bit, Tony and Joe aren't around nearly often enough. I'm looking forward to class tomorrow; Brian is going to be out, and if the returnees are, I'll be able to do some of my own stuff to practice for the tournament on Sunday. I'm looking forward to that, too; my kata is in pretty good form, so I'm hoping for a gold to bring home. I've toyed with the idea of entering kobudo, too, but I'm not sure how the divisions are going to be set up. I don't want to enter if there's just going to be a bunch of kids, and if there aren't enough black belts entered, I don't want to take Pat out of the running for a medal (not sure if I'd beat him, but he seems to think I would). The big question is whether or not I want to enter sparring. I'd end up against Kyle in the first round, almost without a doubt, as he's the only other black belt that's even close to me in size. It'd be interesting to enter, for that match alone, because I know I wouldn't get much farther. Sadly enough, my best performance in sparring was at Toronto in the nationals, I lost in the quarter finals to the gold medallist. He was a sandan, with 20 years more experience than me, too. I want to get as good as he is. Eventually. Time to go for the night; I hear some Civ III calling my name.

Well, it took a while, but here's another entry. I was happy for the first time in ages yesterday, even thinking about Esther didn't depress me. That hasn't happened in a long time. We had our tournament, everything went pretty well. I came home with a couple of bronze medals, one in sparring (which was way beyond what I was expecting), and the other in kobudo. That ones doesn't surprise me as much, but I am a bit surprised Pat didn't come away with something; his kata was looking pretty good in class last tuesday. I utterly embarrassed myself in kata though; I was in second place after the first round (this is after forgetting a move in the kata, so my marks must have been hella good to start out with), I was probably 5 or 6 points back from the leader, but was at least three ahead of the Brian. I figured I could improve on the second round, and up until about the sixth move, I was doing great. Then I completely lost it. I don't know what happened, my brain exploded or whatever, but I couldn't finish. I bowed out and took my 0; finished dead last. w00t. Looking back, I think it was just that I was way too nervous; I wanted to win too badly, and completely lost focus. I realize that sounds pretty lame, but it's pretty much what happened. I don't know how to explain it, really, but when I'm doing kata, I draw into myself. Everything going on around me just kinda goes hazy. When I got up to do Shiho-Kushanko in the second round, things were a bit too clear still. I was too much a part of what was happening. This is probably going to sound stupid when I read it back, but I can't come up with the words to describe the feeling. It's like a subconscious switch. At first, it was only a weird feeling I got when something was going to go well for me. I feel detached from events, kind of like a passenger in my own body. Lately though, it's been three-way. I'm starting to recognize when things aren't quite 'right'. The concept of gut instinct seems like the closest description, but even that's not quite right. At any rate, Joe mentioned having another tournament around the end of April, which I'll be looking forward to. I'm hoping it doesn't coincide with the national tournament in Ontario, I'd still like to get to that. That's it for while I'm at work. More when I get home.

This is a panoramic shot from looking out at the highway from the front entrance of the hotel I was at this weekend.



This is a panoramic shot from the beach, looking out over the lake.



A view towards the upstream end of the lake (north-ish) unfortunately, it didn't merge well with the other four.



This is the remains of a riverbed, from about 200' up a cliffside. I didn't climb the cliff, straight up, but it wasn't easy getting up there.



A lone pine sapling, at the top of the aforementioned cliff. You can see the alluvial deposits of the riverbed in the background. I'm using this as my desktop background, at the moment.



Save the best for last, eh? This is the damage I did to my hand, going down the scree slope to the cliff I took the previous two pictures from. I hadn't washed my hand off yet, so it looks worse than it is. The cut is only about an inch and a half long, and maybe a sixteenth of an inch deep. Bled lots, though, being on the hand, and me having adrenaline flowing. Still stings.