Midnighte's Humor & Pickup Lines
Midnighte's Humor & Pickup Lines
Sunday, February 15, 1998
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice,
"Yyyoung man, dddo yyou selll ddildoes hhere ?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback
by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The
little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "Ddo yyou haave
anny abbbbout ththis lonong?" "Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "Aare annny of tthem about thiis bbig
arroundd?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "Ddo aany of tthem
haave a vvvibraaator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does." "Wwell, hhow ddo yoou tturn it
off?"
Sunday, February 15, 1998
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first
stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a
loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the
guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the
tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes
a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" "Wait a minute" says the man taking the tour. "I
understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the
same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every
fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms" "Yeah, but it's great for the
baby-bottle nipple business"
Sunday, February 15, 1998
There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home. For his age, he was very fit
and in real good shape. The doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said, "
how old do you think I am?" The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few
exercises and said, " I would say you were around 78 . The old man smiled and the doctor
was amazed that this man was indeed 98 years old. The man was walking out of the doctors
office and saw a little old lady sitting there. She was pretty gray and was all bent over. The
man said to the lady, "how old do you think I am? " She looked him over pretty good then
told him to pull down his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his
underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his various parts and
counterparts. She kept this up for quite sometime. She appeared to be in deep
concentration. She finally looked up at the man and said, I'd say you were 98. The man was
stunned! He said, how could you tell ?" She said , " I heard you tell the doctor."
Sunday, February 15, 1998
One day this man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he starts wandering
around and finds there is nothing exciting to do. Figuring eternity is boring he goes to St
Peter and tells him he's bored with this existance. St Peter says "Come with me" He takes
him to a corner of heaven and points down to a redneck in Hell. "See that guy?" St Peter
asks, "he's in Hell." The man looks and sees a fella sitting on a sofa with a flat out
beautiful 11 on a scale of 10 sexy blond on his knee and a great big bottle of Jack Daniels
in his hand. "Wow, how come he gets to have so much fun if he's in Hell?" asks the man.
"Because" says St Peter, "the bottle has a hole in the bottom and the blond doesn't".
Friday, March 13th, 1998
Thanx to Heist and BROOUT:
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting a divorce. When asked by
the attorney if he had any grounds, the farmer responded, "Yea, I got bout
140 acre."
"No, you don't understand, do you have a case ?"
To this the farmer responded, "No, I don't have a Case. I have a John
Deere."
The attorney then said,"No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
gridge ?"
"Yea, I got a gridge, that's where I park my John Deere."
With a sinking feeling, the attorney said,"No sir, I mean do you have a
suit ?"
"Yes sir, responded the farmer,"I got a suit. I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney asked,"Well sir, does your wife beat you up or
anything."
"No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says,"Okay, let me put it this way."WHY DO YOU WANT A
DIVORCE ?"
And the farmer said,"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with
her."
Thursday, February 26, 1998
Thanx to TR:
Three blonds were walking on the beach, and they find a lantern. As they
are dusting it off, a genie appears. "there are three of you, so I will grant you one
wish apiece."
The first blond says, "I wish I was 50% smarter"**POOF**she turnes into a
brunett.
The second says,"I wish I were twice as smart"**POOF**she turnes into a red
head.
The third says"I don't know, I like being blond, men buy me things, all the
sex I want, I want to be 100% dumber" **POOF** she turnes into a man.
Tuesday, February 24, 1998
Thanx to Safi
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convienience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all
their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the
stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you
take them around the block.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about
it
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??
Thursday, February 26, 1998
Thanx to Nico
Procrastinator's Creed ...
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect2 to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
