TOP TEN REASONS XAVIER BECAME ONSLAUGHT*
10. Three words..... Too much Cappuccino!
9. He needed something to cover up that bald head.
8. Doesn't have to follow that "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy at Circle K's.
7. Magneto's evil side kept singing Macarena 24 hours a day.
6. Really upset about the whole O.J. thing.
5. Bought lots of copies of Rob Liefeld comics hoping they would be collectors items.
4. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3. Needed something to boost sales, and that whole dying and coming back cliché is so worn out.
2. Paid millions of dollars for advanced technology and Shi'ar equipment, but still can't get HBO.
1. Hey, if you were around all those hot women wearing spandex outfits who think of you as a father figure, you'd go crazy too!
TOP TEN UPCOMING SURPRISES IN WOLVERINE*
10. O.J. reveals that Wolverine was the real killer!
9. Goes on American Gladiators and kicks ass!
8. Sues Rob Liefeld for copyright infringement on his hair.
7. Caught trying on Phoenix's underwear.
6. New Amalgam combination..... Wolverine and Gleep, from Super Friends!
5. Quits the X-Men to become the Ronald McDonald of the 90's.
4. Depressed because the only person short enough to play him in the movie is Maculey Culkin!
3. He was the sperm donor for Madonna! 02. Revealed that in the Weapon X project, he was given "The Beavis and Butthead" gene.
1. Becomes so scared that he soils himself while watching an episode of "Goosebumps".
GAMBIT'S TOP TEN MOST HORRIFYING SECRETS*
10. He went out with RuPaul for 2 weeks before he learned.... The Secret.
9. He invented The Macarena.
8. Not a mutant, gained his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive deck of playing cards.
7. Not just the president of the Hair Club for Men, he's also a client.
6. Hasn't bathed since the Carter Administration.
5. He was the real voice of Milli Vanilli.
4. Doesn't just believe in the Tooth Fairy, believes he IS the Tooth Fairy.
3. Was the "Genius" behind Image Comics.
2. He doesn't like the Arch Deluxe.
1. Thinks Stan Lee is sexy.
TOP TEN THINGS KIDS RECEIVED AT THE X-MANSION THIS HALLOWEEN*
10) Little pieces of Wolverine's adamantium skeleton.
9) Little glowing candy from Gambit.
8) A gun in their face, an interrogation, and a holding cell in the Danger Room whenever Bishop answered the door.
7) Naked pictures of Psylocke (Woo-Hoo!!!!).
6) Naked pictures of Blob (Don't ask, you don't want to know).
5) Winners of the next 100 World Series from Cable.
4) Beast's sheddings.
3) Any one item from Illyanna's old room.
2) Iceman's old power ranger underwear.
1) Three Musketeers. What did you expect? Some weird Shi'ar thing?
TOP TEN REJECTED LINES FOR APOCALYPSE
10) "I call upon the power of Pyramidas!!"
9) "Hey, is that the new Bette Midler CD?"
8) "Can't we all just get along?"
7) "Don't blame me. I voted for Perot."
6) "I've fallen, and I can't get up!"
5) "DAMNIT, WHO DRANK ALL MY PRUNE JUICE?!"
4) "Aaaaaaaaaall righty, then!"
3) "Not now! 'Dr. Quin: Medicine Woman' is on."
2) "Another time X-Men, I have to go tinkle."
1) "Hey Sinister, do you ever get that....Not-So-Fresh feeling?"
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT X-WARS
10) Government involved in conspiracy to promote one liners.
9) New ULTRA evil group: the Legion of Barney!
8) Darkside attracts new team members by promising to be their best friend.
7) Quotes at the end of letters contain subliminal messages from the US Tobacco Company.
6) Bob Dole to join list as the Caped Loser.
5) Gamemaster's identity: a stinking drunk Betty White.
4) LOF once aborted assassination attempt on world leaders because it was time for "Friends".
3) New rule: anyone using profanity will be permanently subscribed to the Village People mailing list.
2) HULK left to become the Professor of Fine Smashing at Harvard.
1) Next battle: Strip poker!
TOP TEN DARK SECRETS FROM MAGNEATO'S PAST
10) Had Sinister splice his genes with Dick Clark's to keep from aging.
9) Once put Nair into his best friend's shampoo.
8) Two words: Crop Circles.
7) Never figured out how to use powers to get free HBO.
6) Cried when they shot Old Yeller. For three days!
5) Was there when Pee Wee Herman was arrested.
4) While working on a new invention at his secret base in Dallas, he accidentally invented a "magic bullet".
3) Introduced Yoko Ono to John Lennon.
2) In a hurry to get to Asteroid M, he accidentally made a hole in the Ozone layer.
1) Invented Disco.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT CABLE IS GETTING OLDER
10) Tried to recruit Matlock into X-Force.
9) Rejoiced when he figured out how to use his TK abilities to apply Ben-Gay to those hard to reach places.
8) Only getting 20 miles to the gallon.
7) Looks at Domino and thinks about what a great SOLDIER she is.
6) Got Graymaulken during his mid-life crisis, and how long ago was that?!?!
5) Starting to have trouble remembering the difference between a Wildey .45 Magnum, and a .45 Winchester Magnum.
4) Laughs a little too hard when people make jokes about him wearing Depends.
3) He's now up to three cans of WD-40 a day.
2) Whenever he can't hear what someone says, he just grumbles "Stab his eyes!" and storms off in a huff.
1) Always talking about how in his day, he had to walk 50 miles, bare foot, uphill, and through a blizzard to fight the forces of evil.
TOP TEN DATING TIPS FROM WOLVERINE
10) If attacked by the Hand, don't forget to excuse yourself BEFORE you start fighting.
9) If a Japanese chick has to cut off a finger to date you, expect her to want a commitment.
8) If altering history to the point that a mutant megalomaniac can take over the world will increase your chances with a girl, so be it.
7) Never double date with a buddy who can teleport. He'll vanish as soon as the bill arrives. Damn elf.
6) Always use utensils, not claws, no matter how funny you think it'd be.
5) An immunity to alcohol is the dater's best friend.
4) If you forget to call her the next day, blame your memory on the Canadian government.
3) Even if your date turns out to be a psychotic killer cyborg who's only there to end your miserable existence, you're still entitled to a good-night kiss.
2) Involuntary removal of part of skeleton + Genetic quirk causing reversion to a bestial state = Sympathy.
1) Put any kind of moves on Jubilee, and I will hunt you down and kill you. C'mon. Try me, bub.
TOP TEN SIGNS MARVEL MIGHT HAVE DECREASED THE BUDGET FOR HEROES REBORN
10) Colorists replaced by monkeys with a box of crayons.
9) Pages now made from discarded pieces of cardboard.
8) Stick figures, stick figures, stick figures.
7) FantasticCar replaced with the Batmobile from the old TV series.
6) Stealing plot ideas from old episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures.
5) They recycled Iron Man's suit.
4) Forced to hunt Image employees for food.
3) Main editor sleeps on Kato Kailin's couch.
2) Instead of "Avengers Assemble!" it's "Spooooooon!"
1) Good-Bye Jim Lee, hello Siergo Argones!
TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE BLACKBIRD
10) Intergalactic Fuzz-Buster.
9) Special button that causes Fantasticar's car alarm to go off.
8) Toilet paper in bathroom is TRIPLE ply.
7) VTOL jets are great for making crop circles!
6) Fuzzy dice hanging from cerebro.
5) Guns no longer just pop out a little sign that says "bang!".
4) Automatic pilot from that movie "Airplane".
3) Kryptonite missiles. Hey, ya never know...
2) Bumper sticker that reads: Hey, mutaphobes! Kiss my furry blue ass!
1) A little devise that taps into the Hubble telescope so they can look through Jenny MacCarthy's bedroom window.
TOP TEN THINGS DARK BEAST DID WHILE WITH THE X-MEN
10) Reprogramed the danger room to dump a bucket of slime on anyone who says "I don't know."
9) Installed video cameras in Psylocke's room. (Hank has yet to remove them)
8) Switched regular coffee with Folger's crystals.
7) Spent $1300 on 1-900-EROTIC-DNA.
6) Tried to get them to change their name to the "Zeo X-Men".
5) Spent 12 hours watching tapes of "Beavis and Butt-Head", then went straight to the genetics lab, grinning all the way.
4) Challenged Wolverine to a "Who's Hairier?" contest.
3) Marveled at what a master geneticist Jim Henson must have been.
2) Spent three days trying to figure out Windows '95.
1) Reset Beast's VCR to tape Oprah instead of Ricki.
TOP TEN HEADLINES IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE
10) QUICKSILVER ACCUSED OF BEING SECOND, THIRD, AND FOURTH SHOOTERS
9) HULK GETS PAPER CUT, BAD FOR LOCAL PAPER FACTORY, GOOD FOR LOCAL CONSTRUCTION COMPANY
8) POWER RANGERS ATTACK ONSLAUGHT, PSIONIC BEHEMOTH DIES LAUGHING
7) TITLE OF SORCERER SUPREME CHALLENGED BY DAVID COPPERFIELD
6) GOV'T APPOINTS REPLACEMENT CAP'N AMERICA: RICHARD SIMMONS
5) GHOST RIDER BATTLES SMOKEY THE BEAR
4) ALPHA FLIGHT RESTARTED; NO ONE CARES
3) J. JONAH JAMESON IS WORLD'S SEXIEST MAN!!!
2) EVIL MADMAN TRIES TO TAKE OVER WORLD, HAS TO TAKE A NUMBER
1) I GOT YER HEADLINE RIGHT HERE!!!! (NY papers only)
TOP TEN NEW AMALGAM COMICS
10) Olsen the Barbarian (he loots, he pillages, he goes and makes copies for the real reporters)
9) Alfactacus: Devourer of Untidy Worlds (the cosmic tales of the all powerful, inter-galactic butler)
8) Bobslaught (the amalgam you never imagined! Onslaught combined with some nobody named Bob!)
7) Uncle Ben Wayne (well, he's............ dead)
6) The Sinister Flash (spittin' out clones faster than you can say "Ben Riely")
5) Commissioner Gordon Rider (how many cops do think will disobey an order from a guy with a flaming skull for a head?)
4) Lobo the Duck (Howard the Duck and............ wait a minute. This is actually a REAL title!)
3) Multiple O.J. (he really was with Kato when he was murdering, I mean when the murders took place!)
2) Lex Mojo ("Damnit! I'm bald again!")
1) The Incredible Blip (everyone's favorite gamma irradiated Hulk combined with that monkey from Superfriends)
10) J. Jonah Jameson shaved that stupid 'stache!
9) When Galactacus came to devour the Earth, he moved on because Apocalypse promised he'd be his best friend if he'd leave Earth alone.
8) Barney was employed as a torture expert.
7) Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive mime.
6) Disco never happened (place sounds better and better.)
5) Cloning outlawed by the "Good Storyline Act".
4) Apocalypse gets Sally Struthers to promote his Home Cullings Course.
3) Multiple Man actually considered a fearsome force to be reckoned with (Nah. No one'll buy THAT one).
2) Longshot's luck power sent him to the planet of the Drew Barrymore clones instead of Earth.
1) All politicians were good ones! (they were dead.)
10) That the team will rent out your room before you come back from the dead.
9) That you'll find the Batmobile parked in your space.
8) That there are no new ways to incorporate the words "dark", "death", "fire", or "claw" into a super name.
7) That Superman can't hold his liquor.
6) X-Coors (Oh, wait! That's one of the top 10 super hero BEERS!)
5) That henchmen will figure out that they don't have to attack just one at a time.
4) That someone will invite the Punisher to the next super party. (Yeah, THAT'S a relaxing evening)
3) That your next sidekick will be some chubby guy in a rabbit suit. (I'm a MOTH, damnit!)
2) That the new TV show based on you will be on CBS.
1) Skid marks (well, it'd #1 for you if you wore your undies on the outside too!)
10) Got his last plot to take over the Earth from an episode of Power Rangers.
9) Constantly trying to train his voice to sound more like Gilbert Godfry's.
8) Thinks that since Speed was a great movie, Speed 2 must be twice as good!
7) Finds himself muttering "Sgnil Luc. Sgnil Luc!"**
6) Wakes up every morning naked and in a hot tub with Bea Arthur.
5) Believes that he has the mutant power to get 12 CD's for a penny.
4) Plans to get underway with his big schemes after this little Internet fad disappears.
3) Says everything in rhyme.
2) Once watched a "Beavis & Butthead Moron-A-Thon" from start to finish.
1) He claims to have been born in ancient Egypt and is trying to take over the world. YOU figure it out.
10) Great pick up lines like "Hi, I'm a blue, demon looking, german mutant. Wanna wrestle?"
9) Tail commonly mistaken for his... uhm, never mind.
8) A date with him is most likely to turn out to be at least a limited series.
7) Doesn't call chicks "babe".
6) His father, a german count, was really a disguised Kennedy.
5) You know what they say about the size of a guys ears!
4) Gives out cases of free Bamf dolls.
3) Brimstone is really an aphrodisiac.
2) Starts up a controversy just to get women's attention, and takes it from there. Hmmmm.
1) Nightcrawler is gay. (Any complaints about this last one should be sent directly to me. Perhaps we could even discuss them over... dinner?)
TOP TEN WAYS THE X-MEN BEAT THE HEAT
10) Invite Forge over. Enjoy brisk chill when he bumps into Storm.
9) Program Danger Room to create Hell the day Perot is elected President.
8) Give Drake sneezing powder while he's in ice form.
7) They turn on the air conditioner. Duh.
6) Reprogram captured Sentinels to run around flapping their arms.
5) Wear even skimpier costumes (WaHoo!!)
4) Invite Sinister over. Bask in the total absence of the warmth of human kindness.
3) Watch Cannonball's expression while Beast tries to explain the whole Spider Clone mess to him. You don't get any cooler, but it gets your mind off it.
2) Use water guns in every adventure.
1) Don't come back from the dead 'til October.
10) Have clone of Abe Lincoln give America "the finger" on nation television.
9) Bar-B-Que up a few congressmen.
8) Telepathically rearrange Captain America's vocabulary so that he uses profanity that would make Lobo blush.
7) Get Apocalypse drunk, leave him in the local museum's Egyptian exhibit, and NOT forget the cam-corder.
6) Three words: Don Knots Marathon.
5) Take day off from watching Cyclops. Start watching Drew Barrymore.
4) Enjoy pleasant parade... then kill everyone.
3) Save fortune on fireworks by brainwashing Jubilee.
2) Continue copyright suit against Lucky Charms.
1) Annual "Clones Vs. Originals" softball game.
10) Consults "Magic 8-Ball" before making a single move.
9) Can create a newer, deadlier version of the Sentinels, capture the X-Men, and decipher Shi'ar script, but can't get VCR to stop flashing "12:00".
8) Dismissed as an OJ juror because he kept interrupting the hearing and accusing every witness of being a "mutie".
7) Began crusade to rid the world of mutants after he failed his crusade to change it to "Cheese and Macaroni".
6) Voted for Dukakais.
5) Took over X-Mansion partially for the computer files, but mainly to try out Beast's "holographic Heather Locklear" program.
4) Due to typo, spent two years trying to stop the X-mas.
3) Always answers phone with "WXOK plays the most rock, non-stop!"
2) Voted for Perot. Not twice, but fifty-three times!
1) The man sunburns under fluorescent lights!
TOP TEN REASONS FOR OPERATION ZERO TOLERANCE
10) National rumor that the Legacy Cooties has spread to humans.
9) Just tryin' to impress the chicks.
8) They played a heavy metal album backwards and vaguely heard "Look, ma, my chair is broken!" Message received, loud and clear!
7) They're just trying to surpress the new cape wearing fashion craze that's sweeping the nation!
6) They get federal funding and, hell, they'll all probably come back anyway.
5) Mark Fuhrman needed a job.
4) We don't need mutants to threaten the existence of humans! We can do that just fine by ourselves!
3) Not sure of the details, but I'm sure there's a bitter, vindictive, little Ross Perot behind it all.
2) They figure if this don't get 'em their own X-Title, nuthin will!
1) The mother of all Mid-Life Crisisses
10) A Slasher in the Rye
9) The Scarlet Stained Letter
8) The National Inquirer (OK, I know that it's technically not a book, but YOU try telling him that!)
7) Whittle Women
6) A Flail of Two Cities
5) David Chopperfield
4) Anything by Stephen King
3) The Diary of Anne Frankenstein
2) Tess of D'Urbervillains
1) Shi'ar Technology For Dummies
10) Look for Al Gore's personality.
9) Avoid meetings with Bastion.
8) Not sue President Clinton.
7) Keep telling Reagan that he doesn't live here any more.
6) Beer runs for the Senate.
5) Get tips for helping the national debt from Leona Helmsley for a pack of cigarettes.
4) Prank call Perot.
3) Remove Sock's cat door from the room with The Button.
2) Distract Hillary.
1) With Quayle gone, SOMEONE'S got to mow the White House lawn.
10) Tell voices in head that if they don't help, you'll start taking your prozac.
9) Realize the error in trying to get inspiration Leno's show.
8) Whenever you get stuck, ask yourself, "What would Redd Fox do?"
7) More booze than a Kennedy family reunion.
6) Realize that you won't get paid for not doing 'em.
5) DON'T realize that you won't get paid if you DO do 'em.
4) Break it off with the rich, gorgeous, nymphomaniac redhead who only wants you for your body (oh wait, that's the top 10 signs that you only use your head to hold your neck down).
3) Stop offering the cat money to do it for you. Use blackmail.
2) Get rid of annoying distractions. Hide bodies in neighbor's basement and tell media that he was "a quiet man. Kept mostly to himself."
1) Visualize. Conceptualize. Plagiarize.
10) Begin liking CBS primetime.
9) Running around in circles, repeatedly screaming "TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS!!!"
8) You stay dead.
7) Begin to wonder if Yoko Ono is seeing anyone right now.
6) Start writing a bunch of Top 10...... lists......
5) Sabertooth tells YOU to calm down.
4) Everyone sounds like Gilbert Godfrey.
3) Find that Ross Perot is starting to make alot of sense.
2) Find that Jack Kevorkian is starting to make alot of sense. ALOT!
1) Turret's Syndrome, eat your heart out!
10) JLA: The power, the struggle, the... tax returns? All in a days work for Jim Lee's Accountants!!
9) The Flash: I'm not touching this one.
8) Cable: The thrilling saga of "Gilligan's Island", "Beavis and Butthead", and the Home Shopping Network blasting into your very own living room/den/bed room/bath room! Experience the suspense as a storm temporarily shuts the cable off! ARRRRGGG!!!
7) The Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix: Yes, it's Disney's latest bastardization of mythology! Witness the prostitution of the real myths into a sanitized homogenized story of two young people who fall in love with the help of cute talking animals and inanimate objects. Now that's original! And now, due to popular demand (for money from the executives), we present this comic book that has the exact same story as the movie, but without the exciting sounds or movement!
6) The Fantastic Four: A breathtaking 32 pages of written text explaining why the number four is the absolute best number in the world!
5) Generation X: Just a complete road map of Seattle with the locations of every Starbuck's and grundge band highlighted.
4) Star Wars: The Dark Empire: Celebrities fight for supremacy in the dark world of Hollywood. Watch out for that casting couch, you don't know where it's been!
3) The Incredible Hulk: Blasting from each and every page are your favorite exorcise ads! John Atlas, Buns of Steel, Weight Gain 3000 (BEEFCAKE!!!!), plus many more!
2) Impulse: A scream splits the night and a man leaps into action, disabling criminals with beef jerky, the National Inquirer, and a wide assortment of impulse purchase items!
1) Iron Man: Finally! A comic book that we've all been asking for! Every issue, nothing but Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath, and more Black Sabbath!!! Always performing their famous hit, Iron Man!!! Who could ask for anything more?! Book also rigged with super high tech wiring designed to send a small electrical charge to anyone in the room who likes country "music"!
10) The X-Ray Smeller
9) The Disco Avenger
8) Captain Porno
7) The Mime
6) The Caped Cafeteria Lady
5) The Fighting American (Liefeld didn't make it to this meeting)
4) The Masked Cheesehead (Go Packers!)
3) Shatner Man
2) The Flying Hun
1) Multiple Limbaugh
10) Tired of people being "clever" by trying to plug an appliance into him.
9) Being an entity of pure energy makes it hard to relate to Lois... maritally.
8) Sick of the knickname: Sparky.
7) Continually erasing his harddrive everytime he comes near his computer.
6) Heard Lex Luthor was building a giant battery with a red "S" on it.
5) Mistakenly believes that it's his role in "Heros Return".
4) It was more fun to be weak, timid, mild mannered Clark Kent when he was only pretending.
3) Of course! Einstein proved that when two almost identicle quantites of energy combine, they form a super strong, super fast, heat-ray emmiting, flying, nigh invulnerable humanoid! Yes, I did go to public school. What's your point?
2) Just misses running around in blue tights and showing off his red underware.
1) Old powers' weakness: Exremely rare crystal from outer space. New powers' weakness: Box of fabric softner and a can of Static Guard.
10) Not just writer's cramp, but "HULK SMASH" thumb.
9) Tired of being paid with back issues of Image comics.
8) 12 years of writing and it's constantly good? The man's stuck in a rut!
7) Marvel doesn't have those little baskets of free candy like DC does.
6) Heard he would be working with Rob Liefeld.
5) Lately, he's found himself saying as often as he can, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
4) Unhappy about new licensing agreement with Jolly Green Giant.
3) Tired of stench by his parking space where they buried those "Heroes Reborn" comics.
2) Disapproves of new catchphrase "Hulk does a body good."
1) New editor in chief: the pointy haired boss from Dilbert.
TOP TEN REJECTED DC PLOTS
10) Trouble abounds when Aquaman refuses to allow UN task force to search Atlantian "presidential palaces" for nuclear and chemical weapons.
9) Edward Nigma faces a copyright infringement case about his "Riddle Me Elmo" dolls.
8) The Flash decides that he'll slow down and take things easy for a while.
7) The Joker secretly replaces Lex Luthor's new hair growth pills with Viagra; new generation of super villains is born.
4) Try as he might, Max Murcury finds he cannot drink faster than Ted Kennedy.
3) The Martian Manhunter decides to retire and live out the rest of his days in the lap of luxury as Hugh Hefner.
2) While Batman is trapped beneath the rubble of a collapsed building, a stray dog accidentally retrieves Robin Williams.
1) The JLA spends a whole issue waiting to get a table at a chinese
restaurant.
* = List was co-created with Brandon Berthelot, a.k.a. Feyr (formerly of X-Wars).
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