:I have no permission to write anyone, so please don't sue me. Edited
by
:the siniste-er,lovable Impar Vir. This isn't serious,so please
don't
:flame me all.
: ----
:
:
:
:This is the story of a lad named Brian. Brian was highly intelligent,but
:
:he was different from other people,because alas,he did not speak
in
:sentences,but in rants.
: ---
:Brian awoke early,and dressed for school. He was in the 12th
grade. He
:
:went downstairs,and sat at the table.
:
:Garside's mom: I made your favorite,toast,Brian.
:
:Garside pulled out a piece of paper and scrawled, "The Nightstalker
:smiled and ate the toast."
:
:Garside's mom: Aren't you hungry Brian?
:
:Garside: *rant*
:
:Garside left home on an empty stomach.
: ---
:In the hallway,Garside encountered his friend MgCrane,an Irishman
from
:Texas,and his sometimes girlfriend Juli-a.
:
:MgCrane: Sure and begorra Garside,tis a fine day out.
:
:Garside pulled out a piece of paper and wrote,"The Nighstalker
puffed on
:
:his cigar and smiled."
: ---
:First period was English. Their teacher was Mr. Davis,a weary and
:paranoid man in his forties.
:
:Michael Davis: Since school is almost out,today we'll be compiling
:yearbook parts.
:
:Garside pulled out a piece of paper and wrote, "The Nightstalker
:flapped his leathery wings and stated "I have no need for such
a foolish
:
:yearbook contraption,hu-maan."" .
:
:Davis:Shut your mom! What do YOU have to say about this Miss Lain?
:
:Juli-a hated to be put on the spot.
:
:Juli-a: Well hommie,I tink dat-
:
:Davis: Shut up!! I'm sick of everyone fucking telling me
how to act and
:
:everything! I'm just fucking sick of it! Well my name's Michael,and
I'm
:a fucker! How does THAT sound?
:
:MgCrane: Shut yuir filthy hole ye little FUCKING pissant!
:
:Davis: No! I will not shut up! I'll say whatever the hell I want,and
I
:don't give a crap what you all think!!
:
:Nelson Travis,another pupil,said "Settle down dude."
:
:Juli-a: Let's settle this like adults hommes. Now remember,this
is real
:life,where everything should be IC. You guys aren't even arguing
right.
:Here's the proper way...
:
:Garside: *rant*
:
:MgCrane: You have to learn to adapt to people's needs. Like Travis
here.
:And
:who could forget the lovable Paul Tran/Impar Vir?
:
:MgCrane pointed to an Asian fellow who was playing the violin.
Paul Tran
:
:looked up and grinned.
:
:Juli-a: He's not really lovable! He appears to have a jovial
:disposition,and
:an air of levity,but he's really dark and sinister! He's evil I
tell
:you!
:EVIL!!
:
:She ran out into the hall screaming. Paul Tran just sat and grinned.
:
:
:Garside received a weeks detention. Davis eventually took count
for
:possible future jobs.
:
:
:Davis: Hmm...let's see.....MgCrane: express creative ideas and
make sure
:
:no one tramples his muse...Lain:market scented soaps with names
like
:"Wild Irish Rose".....Garside: First Horseman of the Apocalypse?
What
:the hell? Garside! You're expelled!
:
:Suddenly,MgCrane began spouting poetry for what seemed like no
reason.
:Garside pulled out a sheet of paper and scrawled "The Nightstalker
:called you a sack of shit." then he aimed it at Davis. Davis leaped
over
:
:the table and began throttling Garside. Garside reached for a piece
of
:paper,but to no avail. MgCrane had to pull him off.
: ---
:
:Garside was kicked out of school. He had little else to do,so he
decided
:
:to drink himself to death. He had the Nightstalker hijack a car,and
he
:"drove" to the nearest liquor store. He walked up to the counter,and
:scribbled on a sheet of paper "The Nightstalker smiled and made
a
:request for 10 bottles of vodka."
:
:Clerk: I'll need some ID with that.
:
:Garside wrote "The Nightstalker has no need of your foolish "ID"
:hu-maan."
:
:Clerk: I'm sorry sir,but it's store policy.
:
:Garside *rant*
:
:Garside ended up being thrown in jail after the Nightstalker "killed"
:the
:clerk. They took all his paper away too,so he was mute for most
of the
:time. Every once and a while his mother would smuggle in some paper
with
:
:which he would use to express that the Nightstalker felt distaste
in the
:
:shoddy condition of the public urinals.
: ---
:One day,Garside was in the showers,when he dropped the bar of soap.
:Several other convicts were in the same room. He bent over to pick
up
:the soap,and felt a terrible feeling in his rear.....
(continued from last post)
And so Garside suffered through a terrible experience in the shower.
His
life was looking down. One day,the prison staff became fed up with
Garside's constant ranting,and sent him to a mental health facility.
Garside,while waiting in line,struck up a conversation with a guy
next
to him by writing "The Nightstalker checked you out."
Garside: *rant*
2FLI: Who the fuck are you?
Garside wrote: "The Nightstalker said,"Address your elders with
respect,hu-maan."
2FLI explained he was being treated for multiple personality disorder.
He claimed he had tons of personalities,including
Postman,Mystical,Tickler,Bad Bad Evil,and Talia Winters.
Garside: *rant*
2FLI: *rant*
Garside was taken aback. He had never before met someone who could
rant.
He figured it must surely have been an accident.
Garside: *rant*
2FLI: *rant*
Garside was on the verge of tears. This was the most diconcerting
news
of his life.
2FLI: You have to be able to speak in sentences as well as rant,or
else
it won't mean jack. Here,I'll show you.
And so 2FLI taught Garside to speak normally. This was tremendously
liberating for him,and in return Garside taught 2FLI how to make
his
Talia Winters persona be the stronger,more assertive one.
Garside: This is great! I can talk! And SING!!!
Garside realized he no longer needed the Nightstalker. He pulled
out a
sheet of paper and began to chronicle the Nightstalker's timely
end,but
suddenly,without warning,his left hand shot out and wrote, "The
Nightstalker puffed his cigarette and said,"Don't kill me Brian!
If it
wasn't for me,you'd never get laid!"
The following day Garside was sent to a payrole meeting. With his
newfound ability to talk,he was easily granted freedom. He immediately
went home to see how his mother was doing.
Garside's Mom: I made your favorite,toast,Brian.
Garside: Look,son,you can take your filthy toast and shove it up
your
ass. I'm mature,so I can swear,see?
Garside's mother was stunned. She didn't know what to do,so she
suggested that he go and play with his friends. A light lit
up in
Garside's eyes. He remembered he had to commit to his responsibility
to
Lain.
But when he got to Juli's house,he forgot what his responsibilty
was. So
he decided to commit his life to worshipping her. So Garside set
up a
tent in her backyard and waited to see if anything cool would happen.
But nothing did. By morning,he realized the world wasn't good enough
for
a Juli-Lain based religion. So he decided to set up a religion about
himself. He made up some fliers and posted them around town. Then
he
went back to his house. Eventually,there was a knock on the door.
It was
MgCrane.
MgCrane: Sure and begorra this Irishman will bow down and worship
ye
Garside lad!
Garside: Look,son,I don't have all day,so get cracking.
MgCrane was unsure of what to do,so just sat around for a while.
Soon,there was another knock at the door. It was 2FLI. In his "Postman"
form.
Postman: I'll worship ya Garside.
Garside: Do it then,son. You know what,you people are fucking pathetic.
Do something!
Without warning,2FLI shifted into his Bad Bad Evil persona and began
insulting Garside.
MgCrane: blasphemy!!
MgCrane jumped on Bad Bad Evil and began throttling him.
Eventually,2FLI's Talia personality took over,and he left. To boost
profits,Garside began marketing the "Tickle Me Garside" doll,which,when
tickled,would exclaim," I am god. Get away fro me[son],you prick".
Garside's religion had many adventures,and at times even conflicted
with
other religions,like the followers of Thall. One day,Garside received
some unusual visitors. A mysterious Englishman who seemed to have
his
hands in everything who went by the name of Weeble,and his
companion,Spike.
Weeble: Garside,you suck.
Garside instantly took a liking to this Weeble fellow,and decided
to
compliment him on how cool and ingenious he was.
Spike: Garside,you suck.
Garside: Look,son,you're not even worthy of my notice. I can't help
it
if I'm smarter and more mature than pretty much everyone.
Weeble: Garside,get bent.
Garside was beaming with the magnitude and charisma that was Weeble.
He
decided it would be better to devote his life to following Weeble,than
himself.
Suddenly,Tickle Me Garside popped out and said "Tickle me more!"
Weeble shot it dead,as it was an abomination that had no place on Earth.
THE END