The show begins with an exterior shot of the Fringe
Bar & Grille (notice the E. That means it's for non heathens.
I MEAN REALLY! Here we work our fingers to the bone for you
and do you appreciate it? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You whine and complain
that the veal is off or that the widow is stuck in your room.
Perhaps I haven't done enough for you? That must be it! You're
a bad boy Fawlty! *smacking own bottom*

Alright, that's enough of that! This is far too silly and besides
your doing the wrong show!

Oh am I? Sorry.

Right, now start over again and do it correctly.

Oh alright.

 The show begins with an exterior shot of the Fringe
Bar & Grille, all is quiet except for the chirping of birds
and the stamp of Sentinels as they march down the street.
The metal leviathans converge on the Bar and Grille and open
fire, blowing the building to smithereens yet again. As the
fireball rises a figure shoots up into the air until it is
no more than a speck before hurtling back to earth at terminal
velocity.

 The figure hits the ground with a resounding crash,
shaking the surrounding buildings and creating a huge crater
in the street. Soon a figure crawls out of the crater, all
smoke and tattered and charred tweed. Stout looks at the
reader, his face covered in soot and speaks in a dry cracked
voice. " It's......." and passes out.

<Shot of the B&G rubble. Camera pans to the left and begins moving down the
street very fast, down a couple of dark alleys and finally stops in front
of the Uber Shoppe. Moves forward again, but at walking speed. Door opens,
and camera goes through. Luke Cage: Temp for Hire is reading a newspaper
and drinking coffee behind the counter. He notices the camera and lowers
the paper to say:>

LUKE: And now for something completely different.

<goes back to his paper>

<Shot of a castle high atop a lonely mountain. Lightning splits the night
sky. Fade to interior of castle. Frankenstein-esque laboratory. Pan across
the room, showing eerie machines, clean and bloody medical equipment, jars
with body parts floating in unidentifiable liquid, a rack with a huge
humanoid form covered with a white sheet, and finally to Shade, who is
facing the camera and holding a microphone.>

SHADE: Good evening. Tonight on the "Ethyl the Frog", we take a look at mad
scientists. I am your field correspondent, Shade, live at the home and work
place of Dr. Victor Von Deccystein. The doctor does not seen to be in his
lab right now, and I must say that it's very "convenient" that he isn't
here when we came to do our interview. If it wasn't for the fact that we
didn't set up a time for the interview, tell him about the interview, or
contact him in any way, and that we jimmied a window open (with a brick)
just to get in, then I would suspect he's hiding something. Let's see if we
can find him, shall we?

<Shade begins walking through the castle, looking in rooms and opening
doors with the camera close behind. She eventually opens a door to a
bathroom where a unshaven, hair tussled, obviously just awoken Dr.
Deccystein is wearing a tattered old bath robe. His back is to the camera
and his standing in front of the toilet while a steady splashing noise
fills the air.>

SHADE: Dr. Deccystein?

<the doctor whips around, and upon seeing the camera, frantically covers
his privates.>

DECCY: WHAT THE- WHO THE #$%&?!?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!?!?!

SHADE: "Ethyl the Frog", sir. We're here for your interview.

DECCY: My what?! How did you get in here?

SHADE: Now doctor, don't insult our intelligence by trying to avoid the
question!

DECCY:.... What are you talking about? You haven't asked me any questions!!
What kind of bumbling idiot reporter are? I mean, I've come across some real-

<Scene is abruptly cut off and picks up again later. The doctor is shaved
and dressed in lab coat over shirt & tie. He is sitting at the end of an
elegant dining table. He is tucking a small wad of bills into his coat
pocket.>

SHADE: (voice over) So, just how does a mad scientist get the money for his
mad schemes?

DECCY: Simple- Federal grant.

SHADE: Federal grant? The US government is giving financial aid to super
villains?!

DECCY: Of course. Why do you think there are so many of us? You get out of
graduate school, and you have three options- 1) official studies that pay
little, have almost no budget, no job security, and any amazing
breakthroughs you make are famous- but you aren't (can anyone name the guy
who cloned that sheep?). 2) Work in R&D for a major corporation and face
industrial espionage agents more dangerous than the toughest of super
heroes, or 3) you can get a federal grant, do whatever you want, meet all
sorts of famous heroes, go anywhere you want with your research, and get
these really cool free headquarters.

SHADE: But why would they fund people who are trying to take over the
world? Wouldn't that be self defeating?

DECCY: Yes, it would. But it's not as simple as that. You see, if we
actually succeed, even for a short period, we lose our funding. That's why
we always have one little weakness in our creations that the super heroes
can exploit. That's why there is always an unnecessary count down or why we
always make an antidote. Our goal is to TRY, not succeed. It really takes
the pressure off.

SHADE: But- but, WHY? Why fund mad scientists at all?

DECCY: To keep the super heroes occupied. Y'know, keep 'em on their toes.

SHADE: Sooo, they do it to keep up the standards of super heroes in case of
a real threat?

DECCY: HA! Oh dear, you sound like so many mad scientist interns. No, we
keep the super heroes so busy that they don't have any spare time to notice
the governments secret plot to-

<Static. The scene shifts to a white roomthat looks like someone was trying
to recreate Deccystein's dining room but didn't have much time. Sitting
behind a card table is a thin, gray skinned humanoid with large black eyes,
wearing a lab coat and a wig.>

ALIEN: uhm, secret plot to rid the world of illiteracy, disease, and war.

<in very short bursts, the words "TRUST AND OBEY" flash across the screen
in short bursts throughout the rest of his speech.>

ALIEN: You see, the Yunyted Stakes of Oh-merica loves you. It cares for you
like a mother to her egg sack. You should never question your- OUR
wonderful government, or you will abuse that love and burn in Hell.

<more static, and the scene shifts back to Deccystein's castle>

SHADE: Well.... that certainly explains a lot.

DECCY: I should think so. Just don't tell them I told you. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I have a daily repelling of the villagers to attend to.

SHADE: Repelling of the villagers? Can we watch?

DECCY: Sure. C'mon.

<Deccystein goes to window and picks up a large, hi-tech rifle and begins
rapidly firing down below>

DECCY: One of the things I really like about this profession is the people.
You really get to meet alot of interesting people in this business- which
reminds me... Sci-gor!!!

<Sci-Fi as a hunchback enters>

SCI: Yes, doctor?

DECCY: Go fetch the remote control for Billy.

SCI: Yes, doctor.

<she shuffles out>

DECCY: So any way, I like knowing that I help mankind reach new heights of
knowledge and will make the world a better place to live...

<Sci-gor re-enters and hands Deccy a remote control much like one for a
radio controlled car. He begins pushing buttons and such. Soon a loud crash
is heard, followed by loud screams.>

DECCY: Muh-HAHAHAHAHA!!! So, like I was saying, it feels very good to know
that you really serve a very noble (yeah, crush 'em!), a very noble purpose
on this Earth.

SHADE: So you don't actually want to rule the world?

DECCY: Oh, heavens no! Too much responsibility and work. No, none of us
REALLY want to rule any government. I mean for God's sake, we're
scientists, not politicians. What do we know about people aside from how to
kill, maim, clone, mutate, mind control, brain-wash, or body swap them? But
then, as my dad used to say, "What else is there to know?"

SHADE: And what about you, Sci-gor? How do you feel being an instrument of
evil?

<Sci-gor just looks kind of confused for a second>

SCI: Well, uhm, I've always kind of thought that by challenging people and
giving them a common goal and enemy, we can usher mankind into an age of
enlightenment and understanding where all people are good a free and the
world is a glorious utopia where famine, disease, and war are unheard of.

DECCY: Sci-gor! Plasma launcher!

SCI: Yes, doctor!

<she shuffles out again.>

SHADE: You know, doctor, you really are quite silly.

DECCY: Well, that would be the result of my old proffessor, Dr. Loonytor. I
was subjected to a few... experiments.

<cut to loony looking scientist trying to get a rabbit and a peanut to mate>

LOONYTOR: That's a malicious slur!

<cut to cruel looking man in labcoat behind desk with name plate "Prof. M.
Slur">

SLUR: Look, I've warned you about that, Loonytor! Now I'm sending Gorebot
over there!

(off camera voice): He's drunk again!

SLUR: Damnit! Well who do we have that's not intoxicated.

(off camera): uhhhhh.... Bionky.

SLUR: Boinky? But he's just a wind-up toy monkey that beats a drum!

(off camera): That's all we got.

<cut to footage of small toy monkey beating drum. Moves at about three
inches a minute.>

SLUR: Uhm... see, he's just uh, letting you build up a false sense of
security... yeah, he's really... really, uh....... Hey Gorebot! Save me
some of that!

<walks off camera>

<camera cuts back and focuses in on close-up of monkey.  Camera pulls back
to show monkey in a cage in the middle of a strange shop - body parts,
masks, and cloning tanks can be seen in the background>

<bell rings and door opens.  brown haired man wearing glasses (Dr. Robert
Bruce Banner) enters, dragging a box large enough to hold a small human
being.  clerk (Decibel) tried to hide below cash register>

Banner - Hello, I wish to register a complaint ... Hello?  Miss?

Decibel (as the shopkeeper) - What do you mean, miss?

Banner - Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint.

Decibel - Sorry we're closing for lunch.

Banner (opening up box) - Never mind that my man, I wish to complain about
this Fever Clone what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very
boutique.

Decibel - Oh yes, the Lady of the Fringe Model.  What's wrong with it?

Banner - I'll tell you what's wrong with it.  It's dead, that's what's
wrong with it.

Decibel - No, she's resting, look!

Banner - Look my lad, I know a dead clone when I see one and I'm looking
at one right now.

Decibel - No, no sir, it's not dead.  It's resting.

Banner - Resting?

Decibel - Yeah, remakable clone, the Lady Fever, beautiful hair, innit?

Banner - Look mate, you're pushing it.  Don't make me angry.  You won't
like me when I'm angry.

Decibel - What do you mean I won't like you when you're angry.  I don't
like you now.  (sensing imminent danger, kicks box)  There it moved.

Banner - No she didn't.  That was you kicking the box.

Decibel - I did not.

Banner - Yes, you did.  (pulls Fever clone out of box, shouts)  Hello
Fever, Fever (bangs her head against counter)  Fever Clone, wake up.
Fever (throws her in the air and lets her fall to the floor)  Now that's
what I call a dead clone.

Decibel - No, no it's stunned.

Banner - Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this.  That clone is
definitely deceased.  And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you
assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged
out after a long....

Decibel - You can't say that here.

Banner - Oh.  Right then.  Anyway, it's dead.

Decibel - It's not, it's pining.

Banner (eyes beginning to glow green) - It's not pining, it's passed on.
This clone is no more.  It has ceased to be.  It's expired and gone to
meet its maker.  This is a late clone.  It's a stiff.  Bereft of life, it
rests in peace.  It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir
invisible.  This is an ex-Fever.

Decibel (noticing green eyes) - Well, I better replace it then.
(walks off camera, leaving Banner to fume for another moment, then
returns)
Sorry guv, we're right out of Fever clones.

Banner - I see.  I see.  I get the picture.  (skin begins to turn green;
muscles begin to bulge, ripping the shirt seams; big green vein begins
pulsating on forehead)

Decibel - I have a Tornado Clone.

Banner/Hulk - Does IT...?!?!

Decibel - Not really, no.

Banner/Hulk - Well it's hardly a replacement then - ARGH!!!!  HULK SMASH
PUNY SHOPKEEPER!!!!!!!

Decibel (looks at camera, makes frightened face, then looks at Hulk) - Oh,
you're no fun anymore!

A giant green hand squashes Decibel and pulls away.  We see a cartoon
of a flattened Deci walking across a desert groaning.  Suddenly a
large beer mug filled to the brim crashes down on the already flat
Decibel.  Close up on the mug.  Pull away to a real beer mug on a bar.

<Fringe Bar and Grille>
Jakob Mannix sits at the bar dressed nicely drinking his beer.
Suddenly, a stranger sits down beside him.

Wash- Hallo.

Jakob- Hello.

Wash- Yer that Mannix, ain't ya?

Jakob- Yes.

Wash- You got that girl, what's her name?  Shade?

Jakob- Yes.

Wash- Quite a nice thing that.

Jakob- Yes, yes she is.

Wash- Quite a nice figure eh? D'ya know what I mean? Wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, say no more.

Jakob- Well...yes she does at that....

Wash- Goah! I'll bet she's a handfull eh? D'ya know what I mean? D'ya
know what I mean? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Jakob- Yes, she is a bit wiley at that.

Wash- I'll bet! I'll bet! D'she ever....

Jakob- Ever what?

Wash- Ya know...throw...curves at ya?

Jakob- What do you mean?

Wash- You know....have a little...batting practice... eh? Wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, say no more!

Jakob- Oh no. She doesn't like baseball.

Wash- Oh.  Well you like to....do a little dough? He asked him
knowingly.

Jakob- I don't understand.

Wash- Y'know! Tossing dough...baking cookies.... Y'know what I mean?
Y'know what I mean? wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Jakob- Yes. She likes to bake.

Wash- I'll bet she does! I'll bet she does! Naaaauuughty!

Jakob- Say! Are you implying something?!?!?

Wash- Well.....yes.

Jakob- WHAT?

Wash- Well.... you have......slept...with her haven't you?

Jakob- Yes.

Wash- @&%$#@*&%$!!!! (Pulls out guns.)

Grifter pops up from behind the bar with guns.

Grifter- @&%$#*&%$!!!!

We see outside of bar as the windows and door are distroyed with a
huge explosion.  The "E" on grill falls onto the ground.

{Woman in biker outfit and helmet walks up and puts the "E" back where it
was, though it still sags a little. Woman walks into B&G and approaches the
bartender. As she passes, we stop and see Wash and Grifter fighting over
who gets to beat the crap out of Mannix. Biblical looking man approaches them}

SOLOMON: Cut him in two, and then you both shall have half to beat up.

GRIFTER: Fine with me.

WASH: No! Wait! If we kill him, it'll be over and he won't be in pain
anymore. I'd rather let Grifter torture him than just have half a corpse to
beat up.

GRIFTER: Cool!!

SOLOMON: Malcolm, you are the one who truly wants revenge on this man, so
you get him.

WASH: Yes!!! {drags barely conscious and bleeding Mannix off screen}

{Grifter looks pissed and whips out a VAD and shoots Solomon between the eyes}

GRIFTER: HEY!! Get back here! This ain't over! {runs off after Wash}

{Camera pans back to woman as she is taking off the helmet, revealing the
calendergirl face of Fever. She is talking to a large man who is behind the
bar and wearing armor of a soldier of ancient Rome.}

ROMAN: So, how was the ride over?

FEVER: A little weird. I had to swerve to avoid hitting a small flaming
child running t'rough de street.

ROMAN: Oh my god! He was on fire?

FEVER: No, he was flamboyantly gay.

{a darkness portal opens up, and Darkside steps out and hits her over the
head with a rubber chicken made of shadow-stuff(TM), and leaves}

FEVER: ... So, wanna hear a funny story?

ROMAN: Uhm, alright.

FEVER: OK, y'know my frere, Remy? {Roman nods} Well, he was in dis bar...
hee hee hee... an he went up to dis woman an... hee hee... he asks her if
she has ever been to d' dentist on Bourbon street... an HA HA HA, she says
'No', so he says, HA HA!! {suddenly, a ripple effect crosses the screen,
and Fever's outfit is slightly different. She just stands there and sips
her drink}

ROMAN: ........And?

FEVER: And what?

ROMAN: ...And what did Remy say?

FEVER: ...Who?

{Scene shifts to a beautiful meadow on a warm, clear, spring day. Stout is lying on the grass with his eyes closed and a picknick basket is next to him. Close up of Stout. Camera slowly pulls back as he licks his lips, opens his eyes, and sits up. He reaches for his picknick basket only to find it missing. Notices foot prints on the ground leading from where the basket was. He runs off, following the tracks into the woods. Eventually, he loses the trail and finds that he is lost.}

STOUT: Ach, and begora! I've ne'er been in this neck a th' woods a'fore. H-how will ah find m' way back?

{voice behind him}: Maybe I can help.

{Stout spins around to find a 3 inch tall blue person who appeared to be clad only in white pajama bottomes with feet, and a white hat that looked like a condom, fresh from the pack.}

STOUT: What th' devil ARE ye?

HELPY: I'm a Smerf.

STOUT: Y'mean like those fellows on th' Saturday mornin' cartoons?

HELPY: No, no, no! Those sell outs? We're Smerfs with an "E", and smerfin' proud of it!

STOUT: I see... So what's yer name, lad?

HELPY: Can't you read? It's printed right before everything I smerf.

STOUT: Oh right. So, Helpy Smerf, ye said ye might be able ta help me.

HELPY: Of course. Let's smerf for the Smerf Village.

{Cut to clearing in the forest with large mushrooms covering the ground. Smerfs walk around all over the place. Stout and Helpy step out of the woods}

STOUT: Saints preseve us! Tis a whole community!

HELPY: Yeah, let me smerf you around. That's our leader, Daddy Smerf. And that guy with the hammer and saw? That's Buildy Smurf. Over there is Grouchy Smerf's place. And that's Pyro Smerf with the matches.

STOUT: Hmmm, looks like some of th' houses over there are a wee bit run down.

HELPY: Oh yeah, that's the bad part of town.

STOUT: Who's the lad that's eating his house?

HELPY: Hunh? Oh no! Junkie Smerf, not again!

JUNKIE: Oooooh, man! The colors! The smerfin' colors!

HELPY: (sigh) Such a waste. Oh well, there's nothing we can smerf for him now. We'd better just- OH SMERF!!! It's Postal Smerf! Hide! Before he- TOO LATE!!!

{Postal Smerf spots the towering Irishman, and whips a tiny automatic weapon from his mail bag. He fires at Stout but the tiny little bullets richochet off his thick hide.}

STOUT: OW! That stings, you little piece of.... {realizes he's on camera}, uhm, little piece of smerf! Ferget this! I dinnae need this! I can find me own way home.

HELPY: {insulted} Hmph, smerf you.

{Stout begins wandering through the woods again. Soon he stops as he hears a noise. Suddenly, running across his path, comes little cartoon people including a Grifter Taz, a small Stout being chased by a cat girl, a Shadey Lady, a Deccy Midnight Bomber What Bombs At 3:15, and others. After they pass him, Stout stares off into space for a second, then shakes his head and says:}

STOUT: Naaaah.

{Stout walks on, until he comes upon a man with a few sheets of paper and is muttering to himself.}

STOUT: Eh, excuse me? Sir?

SINISTER: "That's not my-" Hunh, what?

STOUT: Could ye help this Irishman find his way home?

SINISTER: Sorry, bud. I'm not in this episode. I'm just learning my lines for my part in the next episode. "That's not my cereal." "That's not my cereal." "That's not my cereal."

STOUT: Oh, but I'm missing 'Melrose Place'! Wait! I know how to get home! It's a long shot, but it just might work.

{Cut to animation scene. Up on the clouds, there sits a mighty throne with a great hole in the clouds in front of it. The Earth can be seen through the hole. Suddenly, there is an angelic "flush!" An immense figure in robes walks into view, but his head is not seen. He sits on the throne and suddenly, the Earth starts moving very fast and has those squiggly lises over it like when you fastforward a video.}

FIGURE: MAN DAMNIT!

{Reaches between the seat and himself and pulls out a remote control. The figure presses the play button, and the Earth returns to normal speed. Cut to bathroom in B&G. Fever is in the tub having a bubble bath. Stout is sitting in it side ways, fully clothed, and covered in spagetti. There is a big hole in the ceiling and plaster and bits of wood are scattered across the floor. We cut in right as Stout is in mid-sentence}

STOUT: -a lobster or Lilandra again! {they burst out laughing}