It was cold as he marched to the command center in response to the Red Alert. Very cold. The halls blew a draft that did not belong. Something was missing. Then he knew. It was his pants. And he really wished that realized this BEFORE he entered the command center. It was difficult enough to command respect from a crew that calls you "Twinkle-Butt" behind your back, sometimes to your face, and in their reports, without coming in at a Red Alert situation half naked. "Well Captain," his 2nd in command, Davis, said, "I would say that it was nice to SEE you, but...."

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't have you brought up on charges of insubordination?!" Captain Duison boomed.

"I'll give you two. One, we're currently coming upon two unidentified alien ships heading this way, and secondly, you don't know to SPELL insubordination."

Duison's mind raced. Are these aliens hostile? If so, are they more advanced than us? Can I spell that? Spell what? I don't know. And why is it so damn breezy in here?! Oh yeah. "I, uh, need to get my...leg...warming...things."

"Pants?" asked his senior navigations officer.

"Yes, that would probably do." he said and turned to go back to his quarters and wound up in the closet. Again. And he couldn't remember how to get out. He was just about to call for help when he heard Davis's voice from outside. "Turn around. Reach out and open the door."

Soon the captain was once again in the command center. "Thank you." he said as he surveyed all of the doors and tried to remember which was the right one. He arbitrarily chose a door and went through.

"Turn around. Reach out and open the door."

As the captain emerged fom the closet again, he tried to figure out how to hold on to what dignity he had remaining. "Sorry. All these doors look the same."

"Yes sir, they do look alike. Both of them." Davis said. Duison began to head for the door when he saw Davis discreetly pointing to the other door. Fifteen minutes later he found his way back to his room next door. He soon returned, fully clothed. "See, I got my pajama bottoms. With the built-in feet, I don't have to worry about taking all the time to tie my boots."

"Captain, our boots don't have laces."

"So you can see why it would take so long." the captain said, thinking that he was finally gaining the upper hand, "What's the situation with the alien vessels?"

"Well, sir, they turned out to be a VR game you somehow managed to patch into the main viewer."

"Did I win?"

"You spent the entire time flying backwards and occasionally jettising the ship's vital components." Davis said. "At least this time it was on a game."

"....Did I win?" he asked with a a look of utter uncomprehension on his face.

"No. You lost to the ship's parrot."

"Hmmmm. I need to have a little talk with that bird." Duison declared as he marched out of the room.

"......Turn around. Reach out and open the door. Twinkle-Butt."

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