The classical music season opened recently with a combined concert by the Swanson County Symphony Orchestra and the Swanson County Vo-Tech Resident Opera Company. This concert marked the operatic debut of diLouzi protege Dolores de Cabeza. A large crowd was in attendance, drawn by rumors that de Cabeza is romantically linked with fugitive terrorist Stevie Dain. (Regular readers will recall that the Argus-Inquisitor was the first to reveal medical records indicating that Dain had become Dolores de Cabeza following a sex-change operation.) De Cabeza acquitted herself well in several soprano roles, despite the adverse conditions under which the concert was conducted.
The concert, which was held in the Swanson County Vo-Tech Little Theater, had been double-booked with a troyweight championship boxing match between Primo "Waxman" Carnauba and Rocky "The Squirrel" McSullivan. Fortunately, there were enough seats to accommodate both the boxing fans and the highbrows. The concert was halted briefly in the second round when tenor Marcello Antonioni was punched in the mouth while singing "La Donna e Vlasic (Woman is Pickle)." After taking a standing eight-count, Antonioni was ruled unfit to continue by the ringside physician and the referee awarded the song to an understudy.
Carnauba landed a number of punishing blows during the Anvil Chorus, though McSullivan rallied while the company sang selections from "La Boheme." Carnauba finally KO'd Rocky during the dying aria from "Aida" to win the title and a bouquet of roses, taking four curtain calls.