Cameron Versus Cameron, publisher of the Swanson County Argus-Inquisitor, died recently at his Swanson County home. Death was attributed to a sudden attack of electroencephalitis. Cameron's last words were "Flexible Flyer," a cryptic reference that puzzled many long-time associates.
Cameron, who was named after his parents' divorce case, was born in Swanson County to a family of political refugees. According to family records, his parents settled in Swanson County after fleeing the Industrial Revolution.
Young Cameron, known as "C.V.," lied about his age to enlist in the Spanish-American War, where he served with dubious distinction under Colonel Sanders. When captured, Cameron was noted for giving only his name, rank, and docket number.
While still a young man, C.V. inherited the family printing press and founded his publishing empire. Cameron is credited with many advances in this field, among them the invention of immovable type. He also developed a microchip that recites a newspaper's lead story every time a page is turned.
In addition to the newspaper business, Cameron was a patron of the arts who raided the dimestores of the world for masterpieces of tack and kitsch. After running out of closet space, C.V. decided to build a magnificent estate to house his treasures. This retreat, which he named Cibola, was notoriously hard to find. Guests invited to stay in its seven gold-roofed guesthouses often became lost in rural Swanson County. Many Swanson County bumpkins did a brisk trade in maps and guided tours for these desperate travelers.
Cameron was known for his many philanthropic efforts. He donated the land and provided the endowment to establish Swanson County Vo-Tech. One of the school's most distinctive buildings, Cameron's Folly, was named in his honor.
Cameron's first wife, Aurelia, died in a tragic printing accident. His second wife, Bubbles, was working as a taxi dancer for the Yellow Cab Company when she met C.V. After a whirlwind courtship, they were married at Cibola. C.V. supported his wife's ambition to succeed in show business, even importing Marcel Marceau to tutor her in the art of pantomime, her chosen field. She made her debut in a specially-constructed Swanson County theater. Unfortunately, the performance was a disaster. Cameron had to blindfold the audience for Bubbles to finish out the week. Bubbles never recovered from the experience, and spent her declining years wandering around Cibola vainly trying to solve a Rubik's Cube puzzle.
Years later, Cameron's granddaughter Camilla was kidnapped by Swanson County separatists who were agitating for a free press. They demanded that C.V. give free newspaper subscriptions to all the homeless people in Swanson County as the price for her safe return. The papers were delivered, but Camilla was not released. She made a statement declaring that she had joined her captors in their struggle for journalistic freedom. Her present whereabouts are unknown.
C.V. Cameron's wake is scheduled for 3 p.m. Friday. In accordance with the deceased's wishes, his body has been cryogenically frozen. To commemorate this, a large number of tiny plastic babies have been frozen in ice cubes and will be floating in the punch at the wake. A selection of frozen foods will also be served. An official period of mourning has been declared county-wide, and all Swanson County flags will fly at half-staff until after the funeral. Swanson County Vo-Tech will close for the day.
The family has designated C.V. Cameron's bank account as an appropriate destination for contributions.