So you can shop safely, we present the latest list of toys that have been banned in Swanson County. Please avoid them.
BEAN BAG BABIES - These popular items were withdrawn from sale because of deceptive labeling after it was determined that they were not toys, but furniture -- seconds and irregulars from a bean bag chair factory. Also, they did not actually contain beans.
DOGERANG - Flat, circular dog that can be thrown like a Frisbee, then fetches itself. Comes in a traditional bandanna-fabric pouch. Outlawed for encouraging cruelty to animals.
AIR BARBIE - Young sports fans can make Barbie a basketball star by pumping her stomach to enlarge her chest, making her jump higher and play longer. Removed from store shelves when it turned out to be just a renamed version of the previously banned Breast Augmentation Barbie.
TICKLE ME PORKY - Stuffed porcupine that giggles when it is tickled. Banned for safety reasons following reports that it also leaves sharp quills sticking in children's hands.
ANT RANCH - This educational toy lets children learn to herd, rope, and brand small insects. Banned for encouraging cruelty to animals and because small parts pose a choking hazard.
LINCOLN-LIKE LOGS - This children's construction set was banned for fraud after it was discovered that the packages contained bundles of surplus firewood instead of the expected interlocking building sticks.
JUNIOR DEMOLITION ENGINEER PLAYSET - This toy allows children to participate in urban renewal by imploding toy buildings. Banned following several incidents of vandalism in which children used the set's explosives to blow up real buildings.
LION PRINCE FUZZY FRIENDS - Advertised as stuffed versions of the popular movie lions, warthogs, rhinos, and antelope, these toys turned out to be part of a scheme by unscrupulous wildlife dealers to smuggle live endangered species into the county. Also, there have been several reports of children who received these animals last year being injured or killed when their fuzzy pals grew to adult size and became dangerous.
LITTLE MISS AMERICA EXOTIC BEAUTY SET - This cosmetic set for little girls contains implements to allow children to actually tattoo and pierce themselves. Seized by Swanson County authorities while arresting a group of grade school children for running an unlicensed body modification parlor. This toy also infringes upon the Miss America Pageant's copyright.
A SLUG'S LIFE ACTION FIGURES - These toys depicting the popular invertebrate and his friends were recalled for relabeling after the Swanson County Consumer Protection Agency ruled that the toys move too slowly to be sold as "action figures."
DAN'L BOONE COONSKIN CAPS - This attempt to revive the popular juvenile headgear of the 1950's failed when it was discovered that the hats were live raccoons who had been drugged to make them sit still on children's heads.
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD - Advertised as a educational toy to teach children about the slave experience during the nineteenth century, this toy was returned by scores of angry parents who complained that the train set would only run when it was buried in dirt.
NUCLEAR POP ROCKS - This souped-up version of the once-popular explosive candy was banned from the classroom by local teachers who complained that the mushroom clouds produced when it is chewed distracted other students. The ban was made county-wide after the Swanson County Health Department named it a radiation hazard and blamed it for injuries sustained by several children, whose lower jaws were blown off as they consumed the candy.
UNSCOM INVESTIGATOR KIT - Inspired by recent events in Iraq, this toy encourages children to look for weapons of mass destruction hidden in their neighborhoods. Recalled after complaints that its detection instruments set off household smoke alarms.