(Reprinted from the Swanson County Argus-Inquisitor)
SWANSON MAGNA (UPS) The Swanson County International Film Institute suffered extensive damage last night. Researchers who arrived at the institute early this morning were greeted by the sight of the greatest devastation ever recorded in Swanson County. Twisted wreckage and tangled heaps of film stock littered the parking lot, hampering rescue efforts. The Institute's main building was heavily damaged. Several annexes are still listed as missing.
Lame duck mayor Harvey Ditweiler, whose defeat in last Tuesday's election was attributed to adverse publicity about his affair with actress Donna Mackenzie, arrived at the scene by midmorning. "We must all pull together in these tragic times," he said. "I have already asked the Governor to declare Swanson County a disaster area."
Conflicting theories have been put forward to explain the damage. Early reports indicating that a giant atomic dinosaur had stepped on the buildings were discounted when no living eyewitnesses to the event could be found. Fire marshals then investigated the theory that the destruction was the result of the spontaneous combustion of a number of films made by prominent director Gertrud diLouzi. Their report was inconclusive. A DiLouzi Studios official dismissed this idea, pointing out that all of Sra. diLuozi's films were transferred from volatile silver nitrate to more stable film stock several years ago.
SCVT-TV meteorologist Mitch Orpington stated that he believes the damage was caused by a freak tornado which ripped through Swanson County last night. "Weather conditions near the Institute were ideal for the development of a tornado," he said. "It's always real windy over there." County Civil Defense officials confirmed that storm sirens were sounded in the area last night.
Several Swanson County farmers attributed the damage to an invasion from Mars. Newt Henderson, whose farm adjoins the Institute, claimed to have sighted a squadron of UFO's flying overhead. "They were these silver discs, bigger than a dinner plate and a couple of inches thick," he said. "The durn things crashed all over my farm. They're sticking out of the trees and a bunch of them are buried in the side of my barn. I don't know what to do about them."
SCIFI employees are taking inventory today to determine how many films were lost. Preliminary results indicate that the loss has been heavy. Signora diLouzi has offered to replace any of her films that are missing with prints from her personal collection. Greater concern is felt for the early films by Giovanni diLouzi which comprised the Institute's Delta Collection and are considered irreplaceable. A reward is being offered for the return of the missing films, described as being stored in silver film cans about eighteen inches across and about two inches thick.
A small dog and a little girl with a Kansas accent were found wandering among the wreckage this morning. The girl's identity is unknown. Police are asking for the assistance of Swanson County residents in identifying the child, who was wearing a blue gingham dress and glittery red shoes when found.