As a service to those who do their Christmas shopping early, we present the following list of dangerous or unsuitable toys that have been removed from the shelves of Swanson County stores. If you purchased any of these toys, please return them for a full refund.
TICKLE ME DONNA - A Donna Mackenzie doll that giggles and shakes when picked up. This replica of the famous celebrity can also be used as a vibrator. Banned on moral grounds, and for violating safety standards.
SUPERSWAN ACTION FIGURES - This series of avian superhero toys includes the Swan Trooper, who throws explosive eggs from its armored battle nest, the Swaninator, whose poison-tipped feathers can be fired at an enemy, and Swanspawn, tiny feathered figures who gang up to smother their victims. Banned because of small parts which, if swallowed, may pose a choking hazard. These toys have also been linked to several incidents of swan abuse.
MAMA KITTY - This lifelike feline gives birth to live kittens before your very eyes. Not refillable. Withdrawn from sale when it was discovered that this was not a toy, but merely someone's attempt to get rid of a pregnant cat.
WHIFLEY'S MOO-COW JUNIOR MILK DISPENSER - Cow-shaped milk jug makes a mooing sound as children drink from its udder. Banned because of accident reports associated with its cud-chewing feature; several children were injured when their hair was caught and drawn into the cow's mouth.
WEENIE BABIES - Originally created by a local butcher shop as a method of disposing of surplus hot dogs, they were recalled after only a few days on store shelves for their tendency to turn green without proper refrigeration. A similar product marketed for vegetarians, BEAN BABIES, consisted of dried beans with faces painted on them. Banned for fraud and improper use of an agricultural product.
PICKLE-ME-ELMO - This popular doll was outlawed in Swanson County when it was found to be nothing more than a cleverly-disguised alcohol decanter. Local authorities were alerted to the problem by local day-care center operator, who reported that several pre- schoolers had asked her about "starting a tab."
MARV ALBERT ACTION FIGURE - This miniature reproduction of the famed sportscaster was removed from stores after someone noticed tiny bite marks on Barbie's back.
FLESH-EATING BACTERIA COSTUME - All remaining stock of this leftover Halloween costume was seized by the Swanson County Health Department when it was determined that the costume came with actual flesh-eating bacteria.
BREAST AUGMENTATION BARBIE - This doll lets aspiring cosmetic surgeons perform an operation to increase the size of Barbie's bustline. Along with NOSE JOB SKIPPER, it was withdrawn from sale following allegations that the dolls promoted an unrealistic self-image.
SLURP 'N' SPILL ERNIE - This doll was recalled after parents protested that it was teaching children bad table manners.
JUNIOR VETERINARIAN KIT - Allowed children to play "animal doctor" and try to cure a victim of Mad Cow Disease (batteries not included). Banned after its "authentic" surgical instruments were linked to several incidents of cruelty to animals.
CONTACT LIVE ACTION SPACESHIP - This reproduction of the ship from the Jodie Foster movie flopped because nobody could tell if it did anything.
SPACE STATION MIR MODEL KIT - Withdrawn from sale because defective parts kept making it break down.
TEENAGE MUTILATED NINJA TURTLE ACTION FIGURES - Replicas of the popular cartoon terrapins. Each figure comes with a cleaver, butcher knife, or icepick, and includes a packet of fake blood. Recalled in response to parental complaints that these toys encouraged children to commit violent acts, and for having small parts that could present a choking hazard.
SCHINDLER'S LIST ACTION FIGURES - Despite the manufacturer's claim that they were a historical resource, Swanson County educators have rejected these politically incorrect figures, including the Sadistic Nazi Guard with Movable Fists, the War Profiteer, and the Emaciated Refugee, as well as the Crematorium Playset. Banned for being in poor taste, for perpetuating an unfair ethnic stereotype, and for violation of the copyright held by the studio that made the film.
SAUERKRAUT KIDS - These soft-sculpture dolls packaged in bottles of brine were removed from store shelves by the Swanson County Health Department because many of the dolls were long past their expiration date.
ALIEN AUTOPSY - From the makers of OPERATION, this sci-fi toy allows you to dissect an extraterrestrial over and over again. Banned because the realistic alien corpse posed a radiation hazard.
FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE BOARD GAME - Move your life-size token (butcher knife, cleaver, pitchfork, or other sharp implement) around the map of a summer camp as you try to collect all the jigsaw puzzle pieces to form Jason's hockey mask. Winner gets to slaughter the other players. This game was banned after being linked to several unsolved homicides.