A DS9 fanfiction by Lori Summers
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hold on
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"...in through the back..." ...man's voice...murmured words...
Bzzzzzzz. Hmmmmmm.....
"...cortical scan..." ...woman...giving orders...
...shhhhh...
"...captain..."
...wha?...
"Captain, can you..."
"...wreckage survey..."
...bzzzz...huh?...
"Captain! Can you hear me?"
Sisko's eyes struggled open against the twelve-ton weights holding them down. Bright lights pierced his pupils and he immediately wished he'd kept them shut.
"He's waking up!" Words called to someone...the voice, know the voice... "Captain?"
A shadow fell across his face, blessed darkness between him and those lights. "Huh?" he managed. He blinked and looked up into the face of a Klingon. Worf...but he didn't look too good. He had a nasty gash across his forehead and his uniform was torn and sooty. "Commander," he croaked.
"Do you know your name?" came a new voice from the other side. He turned his head to see a woman peering down at him, concern written across her face. She...was humanoid...pronounced jaw ridges...piercing purple eyes, no whites...pale pale skin...
"Sisko...Benjamin Sisko."
"Do you remember what happened?"
His mind was coming back online. Yes, he remembered. "The EPS system blew...system failures..." He realized he was lying on an elevated, soft surface like a hospital bed. "Where am I?"
"We crashed, sir," Worf said gently...for a Klingon, that is. "We came down in the hills near this city. These people found us and brought us to their hospital."
"My name is Shaxas," the woman said, looking closely at his eyes. "I'm a doctor, just relax. You're all right."
"My crew...the Defiant..." Sisko struggled to sit up. Worf and Shaxas assisted him until he was propped against the inclined back of the bed, and he got his first look at his surroundings. He was in a large, very well-equipped facility that was laid out much like a sickbay or an emergency room.
"Your crew are being looked after. There were some serious injuries but no one was lost. Please excuse me, I'll be right back," Shaxas said, and left the bedside. Worf leaned closer.
"The Defiant is repairable, sir, but we'll need to contact the station to send some assistance."
"There was a class M planet on the sensors when the system failures occurred...is that where we are?"
"Yes, sir. This planet is called Maratuy by the people who live here. They are quite advanced. I would place their technological level as comparable to ours. They are aware of interstellar life and warp technology but have none of their own. This world being so isolated, I would surmise that it simply never came up."
"Crew status?"
"Only five or six were seriously injured, including Colonel Kira," he said, indicating a biobed nearby where several people were examining her, including Julian, who appeared none the worse for wear. "Doctor Bashir says that she will be fine in a few hours." He glanced around and lowered his voice. "Sir, from what I can see, we could not have chosen a better place to crash. These people have been very kind and do not appear to be hostile in any way. I spoke with the local government representative, and he made it clear that they are happy to offer any assistance they can."
Sisko nodded. "It's a rather tragic commentary on our times that such generosity makes me suspicious."
"I agree, sir. If it helps, Lieutenant Imbralia told me that she senses only good intentions from them, and that their minds are very open."
Shasax returned with an instrument resembling a barbecue fork. She held it up to his forehead and pressed a button, and the pain in Sisko's head receded to a dull roar. "Your security chief is with some of your engineers on your ship. He seemed to think that there was some sabotage involved. Some of our technicians went with him...I'm not sure how much help they can be, but they'll surely do their best."
Sisko frowned. "I'm surprised he left if Kira is injured."
"Why is that?"
Worf and the captain exchanged a glance. "They have a relationship."
Shasax smiled. "I understand. He did seemed concerned about her well-being." She helped Sisko stand up. "You're all right, Captain. You have a concussion and some small lacerations on your hands, but nothing serious."
"Glad to hear it. I'd like to see my crewmembers, please."
"Of course." Shasax took him around the room, explaining their injuries and what was being done to treat them. The most serious was Ezri, who had her arm in a regenerative cast.
"What happened to you, old man?"
"My arm was severed above the elbow," she said with a wry smile. "Some luck, huh? But Julian says a few weeks of physical therapy and it'll be 'right as rain.'"
"That's good news." He turned to Shasax. "What about Kira?"
"She had a moderately serious head injury and some bleeding on her brain, but we've repaired the damaged vessels. She should be waking up very soon now."
Sisko went to stand by his first officer's bedside and laid a hand on her shoulder. At the contact she stirred and murmured under her breath. "...odo...?" Her eyelids fluttered open. "Benjamin," she whispered.
"Welcome back, Nerys. How do you feel?"
"Lousy. Where am I?"
"We're on that class M planet with the duomagnetic field you were interested in. I'm afraid we...dropped in on these people rather unexpectedly."
"Sweet Prophets," she said, taking a deep breath and looking around. "Is everyone all right?"
"It seems that way."
Her eyes searched past Sisko's shoulder. "Where's..."
"He's at the Defiant, investigating what happened. We may have been sabotaged."
Her head fell back. "What happened to me? My head feels like Morn sat on it."
Julian stepped in and ran his tricorder over her temple. "You had some bleeding in your cranial cavity but you're all right now. Can you sit up?" He slid an arm under her back and helped her to do so. Shasax applied her barbecue fork to Kira's temple and the pain subsided.
"What now?" she said.
Sisko shrugged. "We'll need to call the station for help getting the Defiant off the surface. We may be here for a little while," he said, casting a glance at Shasax, who only smiled serenely.
"Never you mind, Captain. You and your crew are welcome here. We'll contact your station and tell them to send help immediately."
Sisko smiled at her, amazed. "Doctor, I can't thank you and your people enough for your help. It was our good fortune to crash land on such a hospitable planet."
Shasax laughed. "We get so few visitors, being as out of the way as we are! You're doing us a favor by stopping by. We get the Federation broadcasts with our long-range satellites, and I'll admit we're more than a little curious!"
"Well, the least we can do in exchange for your kindness is be entertaining," Sisko said with a grin.
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both hands
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Kira and Ezri sat side by side on a comfortable sofa at the local governmental headquarters a few hours later, waiting for the captain. He'd called an informal staff briefing to bring everyone up to speed on their situation. Julian sat nearby, fussing over Ezri's cast, and Worf was lurking by the windows.
"What's wrong?" Ezri finally said to Kira. "Are you feeling all right?"
"Oh, I'm fine. Just a touch of a headache."
"You're not fine, you're mad. I know that face."
"Well, I'm lying on a biobed with blood pouring into my brain and he can't even stick around long enough to see if I'm ok? And he hasn't called back once to check!"
Ezri shrugged. Privately, she thought it was odd too. "I suppose he knew you were in good hands."
"Everyone here?" Sisko said, coming in with a Maratuian woman by his side.
"Everyone but Odo," Kira grumbled. "And the Chief."
"Miles went to the ship," Julian said. "You know these engineers...you can't keep 'em away from their baby when it's sick."
"Well, this is just an update. We'll start without them. This is Toiyal, she's heading up the team of engineers that are helping us take stock of our damages."
Toiyal, a tall and gangly woman with a winning smile, nodded to them. "I have here a report of what we found after we'd evacuated all the crewmembers. It was important to do so right away, there was significant radiation leakage. We sealed the leak so we could have a look around to make sure there were no more crewmembers trapped inside." She pulled out a clipboard. "Now, we have no space vehicles of our own but we're familiar with the technology, in point of fact many engineers consider it something of a hobby."
"Don't let Miles hear you say that," Julian said.
Toiyal chuckled. "I would not claim to come anywhere near his expertise, but it is an exciting opportunity for us to see a starship up close. Let me see...your security chief reported that the primary plasma injectors are offline and will need to be replaced before the ship can go to warp." At that, the crew exchanged puzzled glances. Toiyal paused. "What is it?"
"He said that? He doesn't know anything about plasma injectors," Julian said.
Toiyal shrugged. "He seemed quite an expert on the subject. Ah, but here he is now," she said, nodding towards the rear of the room. They all turned...to see Miles enter.
"Sorry I'm late," he said, taking a seat.
Kira felt a cold sliver of fear worm its way into her belly. "Toiyal...this man isn't our security chief."
"He isn't?"
Sisko shook his head. "No, this is our chief engineer, Mr. O'Brien."
"Oh, my apologies. By the way he spoke about sabotage, we all assumed he was in security."
"So where's Odo?" Ezri said.
"One of Toiyal's team told me he was still on the ship," Miles said. Everyone nodded and sat back, but Kira still felt uneasy. There just seemed to be a lot of...confusion.
Toiyal continued her report. "There was considerable damage to the computer system, but most of your operating systems can be restored from the central core. We did find something unusual in the engine room."
Miles leaned forward. "What's that? I didn't see anything besides a godawful mess."
"Well," Toiyal said, crossing her arms. "We found an odd organic residue spread all over the floor by the warp core. We had no idea what it was, it was very suspicious. I suspect it may have been an organic carrier for a computer virus that could have shorted out your systems. I'd recommend that..." She trailed off as she noted that all of her listeners were staring at her, horrorstruck looks on their faces. "Oh dear...you've seen this kind of thing before? I *knew* it had to be some sort of secret Dominion weapon! I told my assistant that..."
Kira leapt to her feet, her cold skin rashing out in gooseflesh. "What did this residue look like?" she demanded.
Toiyal swallowed, taken aback by her vehemence. "Well, it was golden in color, quite viscous, in a puddle about a meter across."
Sisko shut his eyes. "What did you do with it?" he said through clenched teeth. Ezri rose to stand by Kira, grasping her friend's shoulder with her good hand as a feeling of dread rose in her throat.
Toiyal hesitated. "It was giving off some alarming readings. We saved a sample and then we destroyed it." Silence. "Actually, it's very odd. The sample we saved turned black and crumbled soon after, I don't..."
Her words faded away into nothingness, their meaningless syllables falling unheard on Kira's ears. All she could hear was the air rushing around her and her pulse pounding in her head as all the feeling fell away from her body. Her vision doubled, then trebled as the meaning of what she was hearing slammed home. Prophets no, Prophets no, no no no noooooo...
Toiyal's voice was cut off by a heartrending cry as Kira broke away from Ezri and lunged across the room at the Maratuian, only half-aware of what she was doing, shock robbing her of impulse control. Miles intercepted her and held her back with difficulty as she struggled, her arms reaching out to throttle the tall engineer.
"Nooo!" she cried. "You killed him oh Prophets no...." Her cries dissolved into sobs and she crumpled against Miles' chest. "No...Odo, please no..." she wailed. There had never been pain like this in the world, never. She felt as though some unfeeling person had torn into her flesh with their ragged fingernails and ripped her heart still beating from the safety of her chest.
Toiyal had gone even paler, if that was possible. "Blessings above, what does this mean?" she asked. Sisko turned to her, fury in his eyes.
"That was not organic residue. That was Odo...our chief of security. He was a Changeling, and he was Colonel Kira's mate." Sisko leaned closer, the veins throbbing ominously in his forehead. "And you killed him." He stalked away to embrace his sobbing first officer. Julian, his face pale and shocked, slipped an arm around Ezri, whose face was wet with tears.
Toiyal stood rooted to the spot, her clipboard falling to the ground from her nerveless fingers. She staggered forward towards where Sisko and the Chief were huddled protectively around Kira. "Colonel...words cannot...sweet heavens I shall never..." She broke off and clapped her hands to her face in a gesture of despair. "Great Father, what have I done?" she cried, then turned and ran from the room.
Worf, who had been silent so far, hurried after her with a growl. "Mr. Worf, where are you going?" Sisko called. Worf stopped and turned back, a look of impatience on his face.
"She will pay with her life for killing Odo so recklessly! He was man of honor and should have died honorably in battle!"
"You will do no such thing. We'll worry about her later," Sisko said in his most commanding don't-give-me-any-lip tone of voice. Worf, after a quivery moment of indecision, acquiesced and withdrew, turning his back.
Kira drew away from her well-meaning friends, dashing tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand, and went to the window, her arms wrapped around her abdomen. Miles wiped at his eyes and heaved a shaky sigh.
"I can't believe it, Captain," Julian said hoarsely. "How could this happen?"
"He went down to the engine room with me when the EPS system went out," Miles said. "We were going to look for evidence of sabotage but we got separated. I guess he went on without me, and then..."
"The duomagnetic field must have made him lose his shape when we hit the atmosphere," Dax said, her voice hitching with unshed tears. Her gaze stayed on Kira's straight and unmoving back.
"These people have been so kind to us," Sisko said. "They saved our lives...and now this."
"They didn't mean it," Miles said tightly. "They didn't know."
Julian sniffed. "That's little comfort."
"I can't think about it," Ezri said, one hand going to her forehead. "Nerys will need me, and all of us, in the next few days."
"What I need is gone," Kira said. They all jumped. She turned from the window, her features calm despite the fact that she seemed to have aged ten years. "He's been taken from me in a completely meaningless way for which I can't kill anyone!" She looked away for a moment. "A few weeks ago I joked to Odo that I was certain our future would be happy, because the Prophets had already put me through enough hell that they must have gotten it out of their system." She sighed and met their eyes. "This is my punishment for mocking the will of the Prophets." Her throat worked for a moment. "Excuse me," she managed, then turned and walked quickly out of the room.
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oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
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Kira sat on the window seat in her room, her knees drawn up to her chest. The crew of the Defiant had been given quarters in a large and rather posh hotel that stood next to the medical complex, and hers overlooked the lake upon the edge of which the city was situated. The view really was spectacular from this, the tenth floor. The waters were a brilliant azure blue fading away into the craggy and severe mountain peaks that ringed the far side of the lake.
She saw none of this, for her eyes were closed. She had tried to lose herself in the view, but she found no rest there. In the lake she saw his eyes, in the clouds she saw his smile, and in the wind she heard his voice. Her chest was hollow and her heart empty of hope. Such emptiness was a stranger to her, despite all that life had put her through. During the Occupation she'd had her rage, and her cause, and her friends. When Bareil died she'd had Odo, as she'd had him for most of the traumas of her life since the Occupation. What did she have now? Just the future ahead of her, a future with no joy...an endless series of gray days without him, each like the one before and the one after.
Her visitor had to knock twice before it penetrated the fog of grief that hung around her mind far enough for her to hear it. "Come in," she said. The door opened to admit Ezri, her elfin face a mask of concern.
"Came to see how you were," she said.
Kira shrugged and turned towards her on the window seat. "I am. That's about it."
Ezri's marginal control slipped and she rushed forward to kneel before her friend, her face creased into a miserable expression. "Oh Nerys I'm so sorry...we're all so sorry..."
Kira held up a hand. "I know, I know...just please don't say it."
"I brought you something," she said quietly. After a moment's hesitation she reached into her uniform pocket and drew out a vial. It contained a small amount of black ash. Kira's eyes fastened upon it with an infinitely sad expression, her lower lip trembling. She reached out with unsteady fingers and gently took it from Ezri's hand. She stood, cradling the vial in both her palms, and moved a few steps away. Ezri watched, her heart aching for her friend and for a dozen loves that she herself had lost, as Kira slowly clutched the vial to her chest and bowed her head. She could the whispered words as Kira prayed over all that remained of him. A good five minutes passed before Kira looked around, the fine lines around her eyes deepened to chasms.
"Thanks," she said.
"I knew you'd want it."
Kira nodded, looking down at the vial. "Can we talk later, Ezri? I think...I'd like to be alone for awhile."
"Of course. It's just...there's someone here who'd like to see you."
Kira's brow creased. "Who?"
Ezri went to the door and beckoned to someone. Kira went stiff as a bulkhead when Toiyal appeared in the doorway. She looked positively horrible. Her hair was in disarray and her face was puffy and blotched.
"Ezri...get her out of here. Right. Now."
"Nerys, I think it would be good..."
"Well, you should have known better." She stared fixedly at Ezri's face, not even acknowledging Toiyal's presence.
"Colonel," she finally ventured, stepping forward. "How you must hate me. I hate myself even more."
Now Kira's gaze swung to Toiyal's face. "And I should feel sorry about that?"
"No! Heavens, no!" the engineer exclaimed, taking another step forward. "I deserve your hate!" Her voice was roughened by emotion. "I know what you're going through, I understand, and to think that I..."
"You understand?" Kira shouted, her sudden venom making both women jump. She began to pace, the vial still clutched in her hand. "You can't. No one can understand what Odo meant to me, no one."
"Why don't you tell us?" Ezri prompted gently. Perhaps this could work out after all.
Kira ignored her, speaking now only to Toiyal. "Listen to me, very carefully. For most of my life, my home was occupied by a brutal and unwavering enemy. My grandparents, dead. My mother and father, dead. My brothers, my aunts and uncles, cousins, friends...all dead." She approached Toiyal, her words slow and carefully enunciated. "I lost everyone and everything that I ever cared for. Odo was the only family I had left. Do you get me?" Her voice dropped to a throaty whisper. "He was in my life for so long I can't remember anything else, and he..." She swallowed once, hard, and continued in a choked voice. "He was everything I had in the universe. And you took him from me."
Toiyal was crying openly now. "There are no words for my..."
Kira cut her off with a curt gesture. "I know," she said, her voice low and flat. "I know you're sorry. I know you never would have wanted to hurt him, and I know that if you'd known it was a lifeform you would have treated it with the same care with which you've treated us." She took a deep breath. "But I just can't manage to care about it. No matter what your intentions or what mistakes were made or how nice a person you are...you killed the man I love. That's all I can see, and that's all I can feel." She turned away. "Leave now. I don't want to see you again...ever."
Ezri nodded to Toiyal, an apology in her eyes, and the woman retreated slowly, her shoulders shaking. Ezri went to Kira and put her hands on her shoulders only to have them shrugged off angrily.
"I can't believe you brought her here," she said, her voice cold.
"I thought..."
"I know what you thought. Let the healing begin, right?" Ezri looked at her shoes. "Ezri, I have to mourn him in my own way. It may take me a long time...it may take me the rest of my life...but my grief is my own."
Ezri nodded and went to the door. She turned back, more words rising in her throat, but the sight of Kira standing at the window, so slender and slumped with the vial still clutched to her chest, made them wither behind her lips. She closed the door behind her as she left.
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hold on
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Sisko sat numbly in a chair before the desk of Caspiyo, the local consul. He was in charge of this city and the surrounding area, which Sisko had learned was the most highly populated in this part of the continent and was known as a center for science and research. It had been a full day since the dreadful news of what had been unwittingly done to Odo, and it still hadn't quite sunk in. He wasn't sure if the Maratuian's abject sorrow made it worse or better. On the one hand Sisko appreciated their regret, but he was starting to feel that if one more person apologized to him he would throttle them.
Caspiyo was helping Sisko coordinate the salvage operation. A ship bearing a damage-control team and enough hardware to get the ship out of the side of the cliff in which it was wedged was on its way from DS9 but would not arrive for several days. The Maratuians had brought all their considerable technological expertise to bear on the task and were working tirelessly to help the Defiant's crew repair as much as they could before help arrived. Part of Sisko kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...for these people to begin demanding compensation for their actions or for their dark secret to come to the surface, but so far they'd been unfailingly kind and generous. In short, the sort of people Sisko had almost given up hope of existing in this universe. Even the sainted Federation had some downright Machiavellian angles. It only made it all the more tragically ironic that these goodhearted people had so casually murdered such a valued member of his crew...and such a valued friend.
"Shasax tells me that your counselor's arm is almost completely healed," Caspiyo said, his voice bearing the same note of forced optimism that Sisko had become accustomed to hearing. It was that unmistakable "I want to apologize again but don't want to bring it up" tone.
"Yes," Sisko replied. "The cast came off this morning. It's a little weak and sore but mending nicely."
"Good, good." Caspiyo put down his notepad and stood up a little nervously. "Captain, let me just say again that..."
Sisko held up a hand. "Please, Consul...don't apologize again. We understand how it happened. It was an honest mistake...one I admit I might have made myself. We do not blame you for Odo's death, but you'll forgive us if we might at times seem to."
"Of course, of course." He glanced at Sisko's face. "I must say, Captain, you and your crew are taking this much better than I might in your place."
"We're aware of the unpredictable nature of our lives. Anything can and does happen, and we accept those risks."
Caspiyo played idly with his stylus. "I have not seen your first officer. Is she quite well?"
Sisko stiffened slightly. "To the best of my knowledge Colonel Kira has recovered fully...from her injuries."
Caspiyo hung his head. "How I wish there were something we could do for her."
"She loved him," Sisko murmured, talking more to himself than Caspiyo. "It doesn't go away overnight."
"Indeed not." The consul picked up his notepad again. "Well, as for these schedules, I think..."
His words were cut off when his assistant burst into the room, his face a mask of shock. Caspiyo's brows creased. "Consul!" the aide gasped. "There's something going on at the complex I think you'd better see. You too, Captain."
Sisko and Caspiyo exchanged a puzzled glance, then rose as one and followed the aide out of the office.
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i'm writing our history now on the bedroom wall
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Knock, knock.
"Go away."
Knock, knock, knock.
Kira sighed. "I said go away."
"Nerys, it's me." Ezri. Couldn't she just leave well enough alone? "Please let me in."
Kira hauled herself up off the window seat and opened the door. "What is it, Dax?"
She stood in the doorway, her hands fidgeting at each other in her usual manner when she had something to say that she'd rather not. "Something's happened."
The blood drained from Kira's face. "What now, Ezri? What more can possibly happen?"
"It's Toiyal."
Kira sighed and turned away. "You scared me, you know. What about her and why are you telling me?"
Ezri moved to stand next to her. "She's trying to commit suicide."
**********
am I in heaven here or am I...
**********
When they arrived at the medical complex, there was already quite a crowd gathered. Most of the Defiant crew was among them. "How long has she been up there?" Ezri murmured to Julian.
"About half an hour. Her co-workers are saying that she was allright this morning, then she just up and left her office and vanished. Someone spotted her sitting up there soon after." Kira followed his finger up...and up...and up to the roof, thirty stories above them, where she could just barely make out a small spot near the edge. Perilously near.
"Hasn't she said anything?" Miles asked.
"No," Julian replied. "But you don't have to be genetically enhanced to figure out why she's doing this, do you?" He and Ezri exchanged a glance, then turned to look at Kira, her face still turned up into the sunlight as she stared at the ledge and its single occupant with a thoughtful but stony expression.
"Isn't anyone doing anything to help?" Ezri said. "Haven't the police been called?"
"No," Sisko put in. "The Maratuians don't have the same attitudes about suicide that we do. They believe that once someone's made up their mind to take their own life, that decision should be respected. They'll try to dissuade the person from going through with it, but if they can't...they won't try to save the person."
"I think that's horrible," Ezri murmured.
"Horrible or not, in this case it means that if she jumps, she jumps. Several of her friends have tried to talk to her but she won't let them onto the roof, she's locked the only door from the outside."
"Perhaps I should try. I am a counselor, after all." Ezri started forward, but Kira put out an arm to stop her.
"No. You can't help her." She turned and looked at them. "I'm the only one that can help her." Without another word the strode to the steps and into the building, leaving her friends staring open-mouthed after her.
**********
your bones have been my bedframe
**********
The door at the top of the stairs was locked. Kira rattled the knob to no avail. Beyond she could hear the wind howling across the building's exposed rooftop and she shuddered to think of anyone sitting out there alone. She thought about calling out to Toiyal to open the door, but that didn't seem right.
After a moment's thought, Kira braced herself and kicked the door as hard as she could, planting her foot right next to the latch. It popped open with a crunch and a splinter.
Toiyal didn't appear to have heard her forced egress. In fact, she didn't look around even as Kira took a seat on the ledge right next to her. Kira pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.
A minute passed. Two minutes. Five. They did not look at each other, nor did they speak.
Ten minutes went by in silence, but Kira was grimly determined not to speak first. Eventually, Toiyal found her voice and spared them the ignoble fate of starving to death on this rooftop.
"I'd think you'd be down there yelling 'jump.'"
"I'm sorry you think so little of me."
"It's me I think so little of."
"You don't want to do this, do you? What's the point?"
"I don't deserve to live."
"Don't give me that self-sacrificing crap, I've heard it all before. You think you're the first person in the history of the universe to take a life unintentionally?"
"It doesn't matter how many others have done it, this is the first time I've done it. It's the first time I've ever taken a life at all."
Kira sighed. "Well...the first time's the worst."
Toiyal snorted, a surprisingly sardonic sound from a person of her temperament. "I hate to think what kind of life you must have led to have such a casual attitude towards death."
"I'm not casual!" Kira snapped. "I'm just..."
"Casual."
She shifted uncomfortably. "I had to learn to deal with it somehow." She swiped at her eyes. "But this...this is nothing like I've ever experienced."
Another silence fell. "I was in love once," Toiyal said. "We took the vows, we said the words."
"What happened?"
"He fell in love with another woman...one who was younger and prettier. He left me."
"Bastard."
Toiyal barked surprised, tear-choked laughter. "Yes, yes he was." She dabbed at her wet cheeks with a damp handkerchief clutched in her hand. "I hated her for taking him from me. So...I do understand, how you must feel about me."
Kira looked away. "Toiyal...I've been through a lot in my life and known people who've been through even more. One thing I've learned is that no matter what the counselors say, there are things that people just don't recover from." She met the Maratuian's gaze for the first time. "I may never get over losing him. I'm certain that I'll never love anyone the way I loved him." She paused. "But trading your own life won't bring him back, and it won't make me feel any better, and it's a damned cop-out and you know it."
The engineer shook her head. "I don't know if I can live with it," she sobbed.
"I don't know if I can either, but may I never see the Temple if I'm not going to stay alive and try. I owe him that." She hesitated, her jaw working, then she reached out and grasped Toiyal's long fingers. "You never knew Odo, but he valued justice above all else. If he were here, he'd say that this punishment does not fit the crime. He..." She cleared her throat. "He wouldn't want me to blame you, he'd want me to help you." She scooted a little closer. "Oblivion can seem pretty appealing when reality is so full of pain, don't think I don't know what I'm talking about...but for his sake I'm going to go on. If I can do it, then you damned well can do it too. You hear me?"
Toiyal heaved a shaky sigh. "Can you ever forgive me?" she whispered.
"It doesn't matter. It's not my forgiveness you need. It's not my face you have to see in the mirror every day. In the end, we're all in this alone."
They sat there on the ledge, holding hands, until the sun dipped below the horizon.
**********
hold on
**********
The Defiant warped away from Maratuy and back towards home, but the mood aboard was far from jubilant. In their week on the planet, despite the hospitality of the natives no one could escape the specter of Odo's death. Maratuians and Starfleet officers alike avoided eye contact and spoke in paper-thin platitudes that formed a thin veneer over the subject that no one wanted to broach. Between the guilt that seemed shared by the entire populace and the crew's objectless anger, relations remained cordial but strained. It had been a relief when, with many thanks to their hosts, the Defiant was towed into orbit and left the system on its own power.
Oddly enough, Kira held the most regret upon leaving. Since the incident on the roof of the medical complex, she and Toiyal had spent nearly every waking moment together...most of it silently. Neither felt like talking, but in a strange alchemy of guilt, rage and grief that Ezri would never understand, they seemed able to heal only in each other's presence. Kira even toyed with the thought of taking some of her leave time and staying on Maratuy for a few months, but the appeal of that idea was eventually outweighed...barely...by her desire to see Bajor and the station again.
That's why no one was really surprised when an unauthorized shuttle launch was detected while the ship was at impulse speed undergoing some repairs. Sisko opened a comm channel.
"Colonel, what are you doing?" he said, not bothering to confirm the shuttle's occupant.
"I'm going back," she said, her voice steady and confident. "I'm taking some leave, Captain. I will signal you when I'm ready to come home, all right?"
"All right...but I don't understand, Nerys."
In the pause before she answered him, you could have heard a pin drop on the bridge. "Odo once told me that his life didn't really begin until he met me. I always thought he was exaggerating but now I think he was right...except that it was mutual. I was there when our life began...she was there when his life ended. We are connected in some way I don't really understand myself, through some thread of his existence that I started and she finished. I need to be there, where the Prophets called him home, and I need her too. That's the best I can do." She met Sisko's eyes through the viewscreen. "I'll miss you all. I'll try to write, and I'll see you again soon." The screen clicked off, leaving them a vision of her shuttlecraft turning away and warping back the way they'd come.
"Prophets guide you, Nerys," Sisko said, then returned to his chair. "Resume warp when we are able, Mr. Worf," he said, letting his head fall into his hands.
The ship turned slowly and warped away towards a home and a port that was no longer complete...but it was the only home they had, and it welcomed them.
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
now use both hands
oh no don't close your eyes
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
what is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
and when we leave the landlord will paint over it all...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and your flesh has been my pillow
now I'm waiting for sleep to offer up the deep
with both hands...
hold on to yourself...
you know that only time will tell
Note: Song lyrics "Both Hands" by Ani DiFranco and "Hold On" by Sarah MacLachlan used without permission.