****Author's Note****


I'm happy to bring you my first real story since the Yin Yang trilogy. 
I'll warn you that it's pretty heavy, and kinda mushy.  I would like to
acknowledge my friend Robert Franks, aka TelesnapGuy, who had the original
idea for this story and was gracious enough to allow me to expand it into a
story.  I also want to acknolwedge Jenifer Jennings Hancock, whose sig
quote provided the title for this story.  I hope you like it!


These events take place fairly soon after The Soul Gardens, within a year
I'd say.


******************



Imtheochaidh sor is sor.  A dtainig ariamh An ghealach is an ghrian.
          ("Everything that is and was will cease to be." --Gaelic Proverb)


GHEALACH   by Lori Summers


          "Ace!  I can't find my copy of 'Debates on Realistic Subpragmatism!'"
          "It's on the nightstand!" she called from the console room,
rolling her eyes good-naturedly.  The TARDIS had landed on Allen Road and
she was ready to leave, except her husband insisted on doing all his
packing for the conference before he dropped her off.  "I'd forget my own
head if you didn't remind me to bring it," he'd said.  She was more than
ready for him to be off...but at the rate he was going he wouldn't be ready
until the Second Coming.
          Finally he burst into the console room carrying a book-stuffed
valise, his packing apparently complete.  "Can I leave now?" she said with
a cocked eyebrow.
          "Umm..."  He turned in a circle, patting his pockets.  "I think I
have everything."  He looked up at her.  'You're sure you don't want to
come with me?"
          She rolled her eyes again.  "A colonyful of dusty old scientific
philosophers arguing over equally dusty old books?  Positive."
          "I feel like I'm abandoning you," he said, frowning.
          She grabbed his hand and pulled him through the TARDIS doors into
the bright sunshine.  "Don't be daft.  This is as good as a holiday," she
said, motioning towards the isolated house with its spacious grounds.  "My
own private hotel.  No visitors, no crises, no distractions."
          "You like distractions."
          "I have my limits," she said, hooking her arm through his as they
walked up the flagstone path to the house.  He produced a key and began to
unlock the door but it swung open on its own.
          "This should be locked," he mused.
          "Well, I sort of unlocked it earlier.  I've already moved my
things in," she said.
          He cast her a sidelong glance.  "I guess you really are eager for
a break," he said.  Ace had to laugh at his hangdog expression.
          "Oh, don't give me that 'poor me' look.  It's not a break from
*you*, it's a break from...you know, stuff."  She turned serious and
slipped an arm around his waist.  "I would love it if you were going to
stay here too, and I'll miss you dreadfully, but since you've got this
conference thing I'm determined to enjoy myself on my own."
          "I'm sure you will," he said.  They stood there in silence for a
moment.
          "Well, go on!  The conference awaits!"  He kicked his feet at the
ground in an "aw shucks" gesture and glanced up at her, sticking out his
lower lip in an exaggerated "sad" face.  She grinned and hugged him.  "And
don't worry about me, I'll be right here when you get back."
          The Doctor embraced his wife gratefully, still relishing her
willingness to once again accept the title.  "You know, I am a Time Lord,"
he said, pulling back to look at her.
          "Yeah, I've heard that."
          "I could come back from the conference in five minutes or a
month.  How much vacation time do you want?"
          She thought for a moment.  "Hmm...I think a week.  Any shorter
wouldn't feel like a proper holiday, any longer I'd miss you too much."  He
looked at her closely for signs of sarcasm but found none.  The sincerity
of the sentiment threatened to make him a bit misty, so he just smiled and
kissed her.
          "I love you," he said quietly.
          "I love you too," she replied, tweaking his nose as he'd so often
done to her.  "But if you don't get out of here I'll set the dogs on you." 
He grinned, clapped his hat on his head and started back to the TARDIS, but
on impulse she grabbed his hand and pulled him back.  "Listen...think of
me, okay?"
          He smiled and touched her cheek.  "Every minute."  She kissed his
cheek again and pushed him back onto the path, waving as he trotted to the
TARDIS.  He paused at the door to blow her a kiss, then disappeared into
it.  She heard the familiar sound of its departure as she stepped into the
house and closed the door behind her.
          She stood in the foyer for a moment, just soaking up the silence. 
The house was kept up in the Doctor's absence by a caretaker who came by
periodically to tend the gardens and clean.  She'd been here a number of
times and always loved it.  It was such a warm and homey place, the sort of
house where one imagined big family holiday gatherings and bedtime stories
and lawn parties where the food was served out of big wicker picnic
baskets.
          She picked up her valise and carried it upstairs to the master
bedroom with its big mahogany four-poster bed and the view of the lake
behind the house.  She sat on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes for a
moment, the sunlight streaming in the window warm upon her face.  The bed
was covered with big soft blankets and many deep pillows, and before she
knew it, Ace had settled back into the softness and fallen asleep.


          When she awoke, it was dark.  Stretching like a cat, she smiled
to herself and wondered how long it had been since she'd fallen asleep
without meaning to.  She yawned and padded downstairs in her stockinged
feet.  The house was shrouded in shadows and in spots bathed in an eerie
pale light from the full moon outside.  At the foot of the stairs Ace
paused, a chill passing up her spine.  She frowned, her eyes darting around
the darkened ground floor, looking for a cause for the vague feeling of
dread that had settled in her stomach.  The house was silent and still. 
She shook it off and went to the living room to flip on some lights.
          She built a fire in the hearth and installed herself on the sofa
with a book, an afghan and a big mug of hot cider, the momentary chill
she'd felt but a hazy memory.  She was really only half-reading the book,
she kept getting distracted and would find herself just staring out the
window onto the moonlit yard or looking into the flames, lost in thought. 
She hadn't thought she would, but she already missed the Doctor.  Solitude
encourages many thoughts both pleasant and melancholy, and she was buffeted
between happy memories of fireworks and surprise receptions and the Rainbow
Room and sad ones of the separation and...of Kathleen.
          She was jolted out of her thoughts by a sudden knock at the door
that made her jump, spilling some cider on her shirt.  She stood and
brushed herself off, cursing under her breath and throwing the afghan to
the couch.  She peered out the window but she couldn't see the visitor from
this angle and no vehicle was evident.  Puzzled, she went to the door and
opened it.
          A man was on the stoop.  He fixed her with such an intense gaze
that all she could do was stand there with her mouth open.
          He looked about 35.  He had short sandy hair that fell over his
face giving him a slightly tousled appearance.  He wore small round glasses
over his piercing blue eyes and his features were regular and fine.  He was
dressed casually, blue jeans with a white oxford shirt and a gray wool
three-button vest that hung open.  No matter...she recognized him
instantly.
          Ace had no idea how long they stood there staring at each other. 
His expression was one of utter amazement at the sight of her.  Finally she
moved aside.  "You'd better come in, Doctor," she said.  He nodded and
stepped over the threshold, heading for the living room.  Ace watched him
go.  He moved fluidly, with a practiced grace that gave the sense of almost
infinite age despite his youthful appearance.  He sat down on an ottoman
near the fire as she went back to her seat on the couch, picking up her
mug.  "I've been expecting you," she said softly...although until she had
opened that door and seen him there, she'd been unaware that somewhere in
the back of her mind she *had* been expecting him.
          He looked up at her, not surprised.  "For how long?"  His voice
was low and soothing.
          She sighed.  "I don't know.  I think for a very long time.  I
must have always known...especially since the marriage...that one day you
would show up on my doorstep when you knew my husband would be away."  She
stood and slowly went over to where he sat, pointedly looking away into the
fire.  She crouched in front of the ottoman and reached up to turn his face
towards her, the glimmer of tears in his eyes.  He gazed at her for a few
moments, examining her features minutely, then he raised his hand slowly
towards her face, his jaw clenching and his fingers visibly trembling.  He
hesitated, pulling the hand partway back, then took a deep breath and laid
it on her cheek.  With the contact he met her eyes, exhaled his held breath
and pulled her up into his arms, clutching her so tightly she feared her
ribs might crack, but she didn't mind.  She hugged him back, her heart
going out to him.  It must have been very hard for him to finally decide to
come here.
          "Ace, I'm sorry," he said into her shoulder, "but for me you are
a such a long time dead.  There hasn't been a day since that I didn't ache
to hold you."
          She pulled back and examined his face closely.  "Then you really
are him.  The last one."
          He nodded.  "Sometimes it catches me by surprise.  It's almost as
if..."
          "You thought you'd live forever?" she finished.  He smiled.
          "Yes.  Of course you know that."  He released her and stood up,
leaning against the mantel to stare into the flames.  "Do you know why I'm
here?" he asked, so softly Ace had to strain to hear him.
          "I think so," she began, not quite sure how to continue.  She
joined him at the mantel, crossing her arms over her chest and cupping her
elbows in her hands, feeling another chill despite the warmth of the fire. 
"It's almost over."  He said nothing.  "You know that...soon it will be the
end."
          He silently reached over and took her hand.  She gripped it
tightly.  "There's a situation.  Very far from here.  If I don't do
something...well, let's just say I *must* do something."  The simplicity of
that statement touched her.  No master plan, no contrived excuses...just
something that needed to be done.  "But if I do...it will cost me my life. 
I have been over it a thousand times.  I can solve this particular problem,
but at a very high price."  He met her eyes, trying to communicate half a
lifetime.  "I'm willing to pay that price.  No one can live forever, and I
grow tired.  I knew that this day would come...and this is as worthy a
final act as I could have hoped for.  Now I only need one thing."  He
turned to face her and took both of her hands in his.  "I need you with me. 
Since your..."  He swallowed hard.  "Since I lost you, I have not allowed
myself to ever visit you in the past.  It seemed a cheat, and you deserved
an honest, real death, not one that I could circumvent with my TARDIS." 
She nodded and gripped his fingers.  It was odd to hear him discuss her own
death, which for him was ancient history.  "But I always knew that when my
time came, I wanted you to be there...as I was there for you.  I have
gradually rid myself of companions as I felt the end approaching, for there
is only one companion who should share my last adventure with me.  You...my
wife, my Ace."  His sincerity and simplicity of expression was unlike her
Doctor, but Ace warmed to it immediately.  It was as if age had rid him of
all desire for circumspection or obliqueness of speech.  No eccentric
costumes, no colorful hyperbole.  He was without affectation or
facade...she was seeing the simple expression of his thought.  She smiled
at him, reaching to swipe at her eyes.
          "What do you need me to do?"
          The Doctor's face creased into an agonizingly touched, relieved
expression...then Ace was surprised to see his chin begin to tremble and
his eyes mist up.  He squeezed her hands tighter.  "Gods, how I've missed
you," he said in a hoarse, trembling voice that made Ace's heart ache. 
"You were the only one.  I never loved anyone but you, ever."  Two tears
slipped free of his eyelids to trickle slowly down his smooth cheek.  His
pain resonated through her very soul, through the bond they shared even
through this distance in time.  "I've done so many things since I lost you,
known many people and seen many places...but none of it was ever complete
because I couldn't share it with you."  Ace could stand it no longer.  She
dropped his hands and threw her arms around his neck.
          "I'm here now," she whispered.  "I'll be with you now, and until
the end."
          The Doctor held her tightly, every curve and line of her body as
familiar to him as if he'd last touched her just yesterday...when in truth
the last time had been the most terrible moment of his life.


***********


in the near future and the distant past...


***********


          Julius McShane stood at the controls of his TARDIS, one of
Romana's older models that she had given him for his own use.  His
cheerfully pleasant features were sagging in an uncharacteristic expression
of sadness.  He wasn't really paying attention to the controls but staring
off into space, his thoughts far away.  The vehicle would bring him to his
sister's house without any help from him.
          The central column halted and Julius hit the dematerialization
switch.  He squared his shoulders and prepared himself to play the strong
big brother role at which he was so practiced.  The sun was shining as he
stepped out of the TARDIS, now resembling a magnolia bush, into Charlotte's
wide front yard.  He walked slowly to the front door and knocked.  After a
moment, it was opened by Charlotte's wife Emma, a short slender woman with
a bright shock of cheerful red hair.  The sight of her helped his mood, as
he'd hoped it would.  He'd never seen Emma without a smile and a ready
joke, and she was the sort of person who took any situation and made the
very best of it....unlike his sister who tended towards pessimism.  He'd
been sure that he could count on Emma  for some stability and a marginal
amount of good cheer.  She didn't let him down.  While her face was still
unusually somber, her eyes were clear and her color good.  She smiled at
him as she opened the door, a sympathetic kindly smile that still bespoke
of her self-control.  "Oh, Julius," she breathed.  She stood on tiptoe to
kiss his cheek and hug him.  "I'm so sorry," she said sincerely.  "Such a
terrible loss for all of us."  She blinked three times rapidly but no gleam
of tears was evident in her eyes.
          Julius nodded wearily and stepped past her into the house.  "You
guys ready to go?"
          "We're all packed...Char's upstairs."  She stepped to the landing
and called up.  "Charlotte!  Julius is here!"  Julius heard quick footsteps
above and then his younger sister started down the stairs.  As composed as
Emma appeared, Charlotte appeared equally distressed.  She clutched a
handkerchief and her eyes were red and swollen, her skin pasty.  Her face
crumpled into a half-smile, half-sob as she saw Julius, and she rushed into
his arms, her tears wetting his shirt.  Julius felt tears threatening for
what seemed like the zillionth time since Romana's call a mere...five hours
ago?  Could that be right?  It felt like eons.
          Finally Charlotte pulled away, blowing her nose, and motioned
Julius onto the sofa, keeping hold of one of his hands as if afraid to step
too far from him.  "Have you talked to Dad?" she asked.
          He shook his head.  "No, just Romana.  She said he's in one of
his 'I-feel-nothing' modes..."  At this Charlotte nodded knowingly.  Both
were intimately familiar with their father's ways of coping with stress. 
"...and that he wanted to wait to talk to us until he can see our faces." 
Charlotte sighed.
          "I'm almost glad.  I'm not sure I really would have wanted to
talk to him until I have myself under control...especially over comm
circuits.  So impersonal."  She paused to look out the window, less violent
tears slowly tracking down her cheeks unheeded.  "How did it happen?  Tell
me everything," she asked quietly.
          Julius stared at his hands.  "How do you think?  In the line of
duty, as she would say.  All I know is what Romana told me.  The three of
them were somewhere in the middle of something..."
          "As usual," Charlotte muttered. 
          "Yes, as usual.  They were in some sort of multilevel chamber and
he was down below trying to deactivate a power source or something and she
was six levels above holding off the guards."
          "By herself?" Charlotte cried.  
          "I guess there weren't any guards supposed to be there so she
thought she could handle it, but they came on her all at once.  Anyway,
Romana was fetching the TARDIS and Mom was up there fighting off guards,
and he could see her struggling from where he was and tried to hurry things
up, but just as he disconnected the whatever-it-was, he heard..."  Julius
swallowed.  "He heard a cry and he looked up and saw her fall from the
upper level."  Charlotte put a hand over her mouth and shut her eyes tight. 
Emma sat on the arm of the sofa and laid an arm across her shoulders. 
"She...she landed almost right beside him.  Now the rest I have from
Romana's own account because she arrived in the TARDIS right then.  She
said when she opened the doors Mom must have just fallen because he was
still standing there with this horrified look on his face.  He ran and sort
of...gathered her up in his arms, and Romana followed to see if she could
help, but...there wasn't anything that could be done.  When she saw how it
was, she said she just kissed Mom's cheek and..."  Julius cleared his
throat.  "...told her goodbye, and then she made herself stand up and walk
away so they could be alone."
          "That must have been hard," Charlotte breathed.  Romana had loved
their mother dearly as they both knew.  Both had called her Aunt Romana for
most of their childhood, and she'd been a close friend and trusted advisor
to them all their lives.
          "Yeah," Julius said miserably.  "She said she couldn't help but
watch, though.  She seemed really worried that we would consider that a
terrible invasion of their...last moment.  I don't.  Do you?" he asked.
          Charlotte shook her head slowly.  "No, I'm glad she was there."
          "Anyway she said that Mom lived for a very short time...it looked
like they said a few words..."
          "Oh good," Charlotte interrupted.  "It would have been terrible
if she...if she had to die without saying anything."
          Julius nodded and continued.  "Then he kissed her, and pulled her
close to his chest and held her, and then..."  His throat worked.  "She
just slumped in his arms and lay still."  Charlotte's breath was coming in
deep, hitching gasps now.  Julius found it difficult to speak.  "Romana
said seeing that was like having some part of her body torn away."
          Charlotte reached out and grasped her brother's hand again. 
"What did Dad do?" she whispered.
          "Um...he didn't do anything for a few seconds, just held her. 
Romana said she could see him shaking from twenty feet away.  Then he just
picked her up and carried her into the TARDIS and they set course for Earth
at once."
          Charlotte sighed, a deep shaky sigh.  She stood up and blew her
nose.  "Oh, Julius..." she said.  "I always knew that this would someday
happen, but I never thought it would be so soon.  She...she always seemed
almost immortal to me, like nothing bad could ever happen to her."  Julius
hung his head.  "We'd better go."


          The three of them arrived on Earth, to that wonderful house on
Allen Road where they'd spent so many holidays over the years.  Charlotte
stepped out of the quiet confines of her brother's TARDIS to a scene that
she'd never imagined.  This country home had seen many events and
gatherings, but never one quite like this.  
          A number of vehicles were parked outside and she could see people
inside the house and outside on the lawn.  She hesitated just outside the
TARDIS door, clutching her valise in one hand and Emma's hand in the other. 
Julius came up behind her, locking the TARDIS behind him.  "Ready?" Emma
whispered to her.  Charlotte nodded.
          "Yes.  Let's go in."
          The three of them went down the walk and entered the house. 
People were milling about holding cups of tea and talking in quiet voices. 
Charlotte knew most of them, some she recognized from photographs.  She
froze in the foyer, the lump rising in her throat again.
          "Charlotte!  Julius!" came a familiar voice.  Romana came towards
them, her normally ruddy face pale, her arms outstretched.  She enfolded
both of them in a large hug.  "Oh my dears, thank Rassilon you're here,"
she said into Julius' shoulder.  She pulled back and ran a hand through her
red hair.  
          "Are you all right, Mana?" Julius asked.  He was the only person
who called her that, and the only one who could have gotten away with it.
          She nodded.  "Yes, I'm all right.  It's still..."  She crossed
her arms and glanced away.  "It's still such a shock.  I keep thinking I'm
going to see her."
          "Where is she?" Charlotte whispered.
          Romana swallowed.  "Solarium," she said quietly.
          Julius took Charlotte's hand and they started towards the rear of
the house.  "Do you want me to come, honey?" Emma asked.
          Charlotte looked back and squeezed her hand.  "No, I'll be all
right.  Stay here with Romana."  They continued to the back room, their
steps slowing as they approached.
          The solarium was a large, airy space that had a marvelous view of
the rolling hills behind the house and the river that ran through the
valley.  It was furnished with comfortable chairs and chaise lounges, many
plants and books.  It had been Ace's favorite place to read and relax. 
Today, the room had been rearranged.  A trestle had been set up in front of
the windows upon which was placed a plain gray coffin, closed and
surrounded by innumerable flowers sent by family and friends.  Julius and
Charlotte stood in the doorway holding hands like lost children, their gaze
split between the mesmerizing sight of that coffin and the man who stood
alone in front of it.  His slender frame was slumped slightly, his head
down, his hands thrust into his trouser pockets.  
          "Dad?" Julius said softly.  The man turned quickly as if he'd
been waiting for them, which of course he had been.  The three of them just
stared at each other for a moment.  Charlotte sucked in her breath at the
sight of him.  Everything was familiar:  his same velvet coat, his same
sandy hair, his same well-loved face...but the eyes were all wrong.  His
chameleon eyes had always sparkled with life and intelligence and good
humor, but now they were so lifeless and dead, and it shattered what little
self-control Charlotte had been able to muster.  She rushed, sobbing, into
his arms.  The Doctor held out his other arm to Julius and the three of
them embraced before the coffin.
          The Doctor pulled back and smiled sadly at his grown children,
his face calm.  "I've been waiting for you," he said.  "I'm sorry I didn't
call you myself, but..."
          "It's ok," Julius said.  "We understand."  Charlotte nodded
miserably.  They turned to face the coffin, the Doctor standing between
them and clinging to their hands.  He was silent, his face carefully
neutral.
          "Are you all right, Dad?" Charlotte whispered, slipping her arm
around his waist.  She could feel him trembling.  He slowly turned to look
at her.
          "I don't think so, Char."  He looked back at the coffin.  "I
think it will be a very long time before I'm all right again."  They stood
there in silent communion, the absence of the fourth member of their family
circle like a gaping, jagged hole.


          Emma stood in the kitchen preparing plates of sandwiches and
platters of cheese and crackers to set out for the nearly two dozen people
milling about the house.  The task had been started by some considerate
person but abandoned halfway through, and of course Emma's caretaking
nature could not possibly stand up to that kind of temptation.  So, before
she knew it, she was slicing cheddar and rummaging through the cupboards
for sandwich buns.
          A sharp-featured woman with elegantly gray close-cropped hair
came in, her face humorless and grim.  She had a wineglass in one hand and
by her expression was in search of a refill.  She saw Emma and was at her
side in a second.  "You're Charlotte's wife, right?" she said without
preamble.
          Emma blinked at this forward approach.  "Umm...yes.  I'm Emma." 
She stuck out her hand.
          The woman shook it.  "Tegan Jovanka.  Nice to meet you."
          "Oh, Tegan!  I am glad to meet you," Emma said, clinging to
Tegan's hand.  "I've heard a lot about you.  Weren't you one of the
Doctor's companions?"
          Tegan smiled wistfully, her face softening.  "Yes, a long time
ago."  She began fiddling with the sandwiches that Emma had carefully
arranged on the tray.  "How is Charlotte holding up?"
          Emma dropped Tegan's hand and turned back to the cutting board. 
"As well as one could expect, I suppose."  She stared off into space for a
moment.  "I think it's only just starting to hit her...but really, I almost
feel more for the Doctor.  Charlotte has me and Julius but he'll be alone
now."  She picked up her knife, shaking herself.  "I don't know what I'd do
if Charlotte died suddenly like that, and we've only been together five
years.  They were married for a long time."
          "Thirty years," Tegan said quietly.  "What about him?  How is he
doing?  I haven't had the nerve to actually talk to him yet."
          "I don't know," Emma said.  "Romana says he doesn't talk or cry
or anything, he just sits or stands in one place for hours at a time,
staring off into space.  I expect it's shock."  Tegan nodded.  "Were you
close to Ace?"
          The older woman sighed.  "Reasonably.  I met her just after they
married.  We always had a sort of connection."  She leaned against the
countertop and crossed her arms over her chest.  "How about you? 
Mother-in-law and all."
          Emma smiled.  "Ace and I always got along great.  I admired her a
lot, sometimes more than Char did I think.  She's a lot more like her dad,
thoughtful and academic.  She sometimes thought Ace was too hot-headed.  I
found her spirit refreshing."
          Tegan shook her head slowly.  "I can't believe she's actually
gone," she said, her voice shaky.  "If there was one person who could tell
Death to bog off it would have been her."  She picked up the wine bottle
and refilled her glass.  Emma said nothing...for what, really, was there to
say?


          Julius stood at the big bay window in the living room, a
half-forgotten mug of coffee in his hand.  He was looking out across the
expanse of backyard to the lake...down by the shore were four wooden lounge
chairs sitting in a rough half-circle on the lawn, a favorite spot for
stargazing or just evening conversation.  The Doctor was sitting there now
in what was unofficially "his" chair, leaning forward, his head in his
hands.  Julius had been watching him for about fifteen minutes but he
hadn't moved. 
          Behind him the house was full of quiet activity.  Romana was busy
making preparations for the memorial service, scheduled for later that
afternoon.  He glanced over the faces of the people who had come here, some
from great distances, to honor his mother.  Most looked profoundly sad,
many were red-eyed, and all were talking in those low tones that seemed
reserved solely for wakes and funerals.  Charlotte was on the window seat
with Emma.  Benny was sitting in her favorite wing chair paging through an
old photo album and smiling to herself, no doubt at a memory of a happier
time.  Old friends were reuniting, new acquaintances were meeting, and
everyone, it seemed, was talking about Ace.  Remembering her, sharing
memories and stories of her, and trying to cope with her absence.
          Julius turned back to the window.  The Doctor hadn't moved.  He
set down his mug and went to the back door.  He looked over his shoulder
and met Charlotte's questioning eyes, then flicked his eyes out the window. 
Charlotte got up and joined him.
          "I'm going out to talk to him.  Coming?"
          She nodded and grasped his hand.  They stepped out onto the
lawn...it really was a beautiful day.  Blue sky, warm sunlight, a soft
breeze...it filled Julius' heart with resentment that it should possibly be
so lovely out when his mother was dead and unable to enjoy it.  It was
illogical, but it felt like the ultimate evidence of the insensibility of
nature...how dare the weather be so agreeable when such a loved and needed
person had been taken from them?  They walked across the grass hand in
hand, down the lawn to the group of chairs.  Charlotte laid a hand on the
Doctor's shoulder.  He looked up at them and smiled weakly.  Julius sat
down in his chair and Charlotte in hers.  They all avoided looking at the
fourth one, sitting empty, and no one spoke for a few minutes.
          Charlotte reached over and grasped the Doctor's hand.  "Are you
okay, Dad?"
          He sighed.  "I will be, Char.  It's just right now...I feel so
lost I don't know what to do with myself."  He dropped her hand and
scrubbed his fingers over his face.  "I tried to prepare myself for this, I
really did.  I even had the audacity to think that I would be able to cope
when it happened, but...I wasn't ready at all."  His voice was uninflected
and flat.  
          Julius swung his legs over the side of the lounge and faced the
Doctor.  "Can I ask you something?"
          "Of course.  Anything."
          Julius took a deep breath.  "What did Mom say...right before
she..."  He couldn't finish.  He paused and gathered himself.  "Romana said
that she, um...lived for a few moments."
          The Doctor swallowed hard.  "Yes, she did."  He fell silent.
          Charlotte slipped out of her chair and sat on the grass by the
Doctor's feet, wrapping one arm around his leg to lean her head on his knee
as she'd done when she was a child.  "Can you tell us about it?"
          He sighed, tenderly stroking Charlotte's hair, his jaw working. 
"It happened too fast...and too soon.  She'd planned to live a long life,
and we thought we'd have plenty of time to say our goodbyes but
instead...all of a sudden I was there on the floor, holding her, knowing
she was slipping away from me and still having so much to say to her." 
Charlotte reached up and clutched at his fingers.  "She uh...she asked me
to tell you that she loved you, both of you, and...she told me not to cry,
that we'd known this day would come..."  He trailed off, staring intently
into space.  "She smiled a little and...she said she loved me...and
then..."  He rose suddenly and walked a few paces towards the lake, his
hands thrust deeply into his coat pockets.  Julius and Charlotte exchanged
a glance.  The Doctor raised one hand to his eyes and drew a deep
shuddering breath.  "How I wish I could have died with her," he said, his
voice hoarse.  "But I can't...I'm still here, trapped in this *body,*" he
exclaimed with sudden vehemence, striking himself across the chest, making
them both jump.  "Five more regenerations until I can join her...how long? 
A hundred years, another thousand?"  He dropped his hand and his shoulders
sagged wearily.  They rose and went to stand at his sides.  His head was
sagging to his chest and he didn't look at them.  "I asked her to take me
with her," he whispered.  "I begged her not to leave me here alone...but
she said I had to stay, that I was needed and I had work to do.  So I
kissed her..." he said, his eyes closing and one hand rising to touch his
own lips as if he could still feel her there..."and I told her how much I
loved her, and then I just held her..." he said, his voice cracking.  "I
felt the life go out of her and then she was dead, my Ace was dead..." His
words dissolved into a wail of despair and he fell to his knees, the
unexpressed grief bursting out of him in sobs.  Charlotte dropped next to
him and threw her arms around his neck, her tears mingling with his.  After
a moment Julius knelt and put his arms around both of them, and the three
sat there on the warm grass and cried together underneath the blue sky and
the uncaring sun.

 
          "We're here to honor the life of Dorothy McShane," began the
minister.  "She was many things to many people...warrior, teacher, friend,
mother and wife."  The Doctor glanced around, the words washing over him
meaninglessly.  Rows of chairs had been set up in the backyard and every
one of them was occupied.  The coffin had been placed on a trestle bedecked
with flowers, his TARDIS parked to one side.  The memorial went on but he
was hardly listening.  He looked around at the faces...friends, Ace's Earth
relatives, old companions.  According to Ace's wishes the minister would
give a brief neutral ceremony and then Romana, turned out in the
appropriate Gallifreyan ceremonial robes, would conduct an abridged version
of the Time Lord rites of passage.  That had actually been a long-ago
notion of Romana's when she observed that Ace was the closest thing to an
honorary Time Lord the planet had ever seen.  Ace had liked the idea, and
this funerary request was one of the things to come of it.  The words
continued, but they were not for Ace, or for him.  They were for the
others, those who needed closure and had come here for it.  What was a
funeral except a courtesy to the living...but at that moment he could
scarcely count himself among them.  He felt like half a person, that which
had made him whole ruthlessly torn away.
          The minister was finished now...Romana rose and walked to the
head of the coffin.  The Doctor fixed his gaze on his children, sitting in
the front row and holding hands...just as they had been the first time he
and Ace had met them twenty-five years ago.  How young they had been then,
how alone and afraid after the death of their father.  He could still see
their youthful faces hiding behind the adults before him now, more so today
than usual...for once again a parent had been taken from them, and too
soon.  He knew they would be all right, they were both every bit as strong
as Ace had raised them to be.  He knew as well that in time he would feel
like himself again, as impossible as that seemed right now.  
          Romana finished her portion of the ceremony.  She laid a hand on
the head of the coffin for a moment and then sat down, a hand to her mouth. 
Benny rose and took her place, for it was her job to give the eulogy.
          Her face when the Doctor had asked her to do so had been at once
touched and shocked.  "Don't you want to do it?" she'd asked.
          He shook his head.  "I will have my own tribute to give at
another time," he'd said.  "I think you are the appropriate person to help
everyone remember her." 
          And so she did.  He half-listened as she talked about Ace's
courage and her strength, her love for her family and friends, and her
passion for all things close to her heart.  Everything she said was true,
and she said it quite eloquently.  He heard a number of people among the
gathered mourners sniffling and blowing noses as she spoke.  
          She reached the end of her remarks and hesitated, glancing at the
Doctor.  He nodded at her and she continued.  "The conclusion of this
service will be somewhat unusual," she said as the Doctor rose and
approached the coffin.  "It may even shock you, but everything is according
to Ace's wishes and those of her family.  For this reason, I ask that at
this time anyone who wishes to do so please come forward and pay your final
respects."
          He stood there by the foot of the trestle as people filed by,
many of them stopping to say a brief prayer, observe a moment of silence,
or leave flowers and mementos behind.  Julius and Charlotte came by last,
both of them reaching out to touch the metal as if they could still feel
her through it.  The Doctor hugged each of them tightly, and as they
stepped away he moved to the coffin.  He sighed, gathering his resolve, and
then raised the lid.  Someone in the back gasped and was quickly shushed. 
The silence was absolute as he reached in and lifted her body, wrapped in a
plain white sheet, out of the casket.  He turned and faced the mourners. 
"I thank you, as would Ace, for coming...but she and I have one last
journey to make, and it's one we must make alone."  He turned and walked
slowly towards the TARDIS.  Julius was there to hold the door open for him
as he carried her body inside.  Murmurs ran through the crowd as Charlotte
closed and locked the door, then they both stepped away as the TARDIS
dematerialized.
          After a decorus interval people began to approach them as they
stood there, arm in arm, still staring at the emtpy space where the TARDIS
had stood.  "What's going on?" they asked.  "Where did he take her?"
          Julius looked around at them, his eyes clearing.  "We've all said
our goodbyes to her," he said.  "Now he has gone to say his."  


          The TARDIS materialized near that great stone arch under the
curve of black sky, starlight blazing from the heavens onto the planet
named for them.  The door opened and he stepped into the cool night, her
body cradled in his arms.  He paused and looked around, glad to see that
everything was ready.  Directly beneath the arch was a neat rectangular
pyre built of birch branches, and stuck into the ground at its head were
twelve lit torches.  A thirteenth was in the hand of the man standing next
to the pyre, patiently waiting, his Panama hat tucked in his other hand. 
He looked away as the Doctor walked slowly forward...for him, the woman
wrapped in the sheet was alive and well and waiting for him when he
returned from this errand, the nature of which he would have to keep from
her.
          The Doctor stopped as he reached the pyre and exchanged a glance
with his past self, then he leaned forward to carefully lay her on the
branches.  He pulled one of the torches from the ground, stood back and
waited.  The Doctor came to stand next to him.  They did not speak.
          Not a minute had gone by before the sound of another TARDIS
materializing filled the air.  The two already present did not look around,
they knew who it was.  A tall, thin man with red hair and a beard walked to
the pyre, leaned over and kissed Ace's forehead through the shroud, then
picked up his torch and joined them, the sound of another arrival coming as
he did so.  The newcomer, a young blond man, took up a torch but did not
touch her, after all, he did not know her.  All he knew was that for his
entire life, this occasion had been observed by each incarnation...and that
someday he would know why.  The man who had brought her here nodded to his
fifth incarnation.  Only now did he understand why this occasion had been
so faithfully observed, and why his final self had deemed it important
enough to leave the instructions.
          One by one they arrived until they formed a complete continuum,
standing in a rough half-circle around the pyre, their torches sending
sparks into the sky.  Ace's husband stepped forward and faced himself.  "I
am here to mourn the death of my wife," he said.  "Those of you who know
her will remember her with me.  Those who do not, take comfort in her
existence...and know that someday you will be fortunate enough to know her,
and to love her."  He turned towards the pyre and stepped close to it, the
others following suit.  He reached forward, laid a hand on her arm and
bowed his head.  After a few moments of silence he spoke.
          "How can I say goodbye to you?"  He swiped his hand across his
eyes.  "I never dreamed it would hurt this much," he said, his fingers
gripping the torch.  His voice was hoarse as he continued.  "All I see in
the future is time stretching out before me without you, no joy, no
happiness...no end in sight.  I know how you would want me to go on with my
life, and I will try, I promise.  I don't..."  He swallowed.  "I don't know
if there's an afterlife, but somehow I feel that you still live in some
form, that you will go on beyond this...limited existence.  In that, I have
faith...and faith comes very hard to me.  So whenever I miss you, or wish I
could hold you, I will look to the stars and see there your soul."  He
stepped back.  "I hope that your life, our life, gave you as much joy as it
gave me, I hope that wherever you are you have found peace, but most of
all, I hope to one day be reunited with you...and to never lose you again." 
He looked over the faces of the twelve Time Lords gathered around the
pyre...his own faces, some familiar and some as yet unknown, all bearing
somber expressions.  He smiled down at the still form of his wife.  "I will
always love you."  He sighed, then nodded to the gathered circle.  In
unison they leaned forward and touched their torches to the base of the
pyre.  "Until we meet again, my love...rest in peace."
          They fell back a few meters to a safe distance as the dry wood
caught fire and blazed.  The Doctor watched, tears flowing down his face,
as the flames rose higher and higher in the sky.  The smoke billowed up
like a curtain, and though he knew it was a fanciful illusion, he could
almost believe that he was seeing her spirit, freed from its mortal
constraints and rising to join the universe that had been her home.


**********


in the recent past and the faraway future...

**********


          Ace burst through the underbrush and ran as fast as she could
towards the bunker, holstering her blaster.  Smoke was rising from the
small building and she could feel the tremors beneath her feet as the
reactor overloaded and burned itself to cinders.  As she neared the
bulkhead doors they flung themselves upward and the Doctor climbed out,
covered in soot and looking very shaky.  She rushed to his side and didn't
waste words, just grabbed his arm and slung it around her shoulder.
          He was barely able to walk.  Ace half-carried him away from the
bunker to where they'd parked the TARDIS, but as they reached the clearing
his knees gave out and he fell to the forest floor.  She tried to pick him
up and get him into the vehicle, but he protested.
          "No, no, Ace...it's no use, don't bother."
          "We've got...to get...you some...medical...attention..." she
said, grunting with effort as she pulled at him.
          "Too late," he rasped.  She stopped pulling with a sharp exhale
and knelt next to him, slipping one arm beneath his shoulder.
          "It's never too late, Doctor!  You should know that, you taught me!"
          "I said this mission would kill me..."
          "That doesn't mean we just give up!  Maybe it doesn't have to!"
          "Ace...listen.  To destroy that reactor beyond any hope of
salvage I had to crawl inside the chamber."
          She blanched.  "My God...that thing must have been giving off
thousands of rads of Hoard radiation!"
          "Millions," he said.  "There is no known countermeasure."  They
locked eyes for a few moments.  She sighed and smoothed his ruffled hair
away from his forehead, then pulled out a handkerchief and began wiping the
soot from his cheeks.  He was growing paler and paler by the moment.
          "Well...with that reactor gone, the Malerians have no reason to
destroy this planet.  The population is safe."
          "That was the idea," he whispered.
          She looked around.  "Where are the cities?  They should know
what's happened."
          He shook his head slowly.  "No cities."
          She frowned.  "Where are all the people?"
          "Person."  He smiled up at her.  "One person."
          She stopped wiping and gaped down at him, disbelieving.  "There's
*one* person living on this planet?"
          "Yes.  She's a scientist from a neighboring solar system, seeking
solitude for her research."
          Her face softened and she gently stroked his cheek, tears filling
her eyes.  "You...I can't..."  She paused and looked away for a moment,
then back at him.  "You sacrificed yourself to save one person."
          "You don't understand?" 
          She smiled down at him.  "No, I do understand.  As worthy a final
act as you could have hoped for."
          He nodded.  "And it is.  To save a whole galaxy or to save one
person...my own life is worth the price of either."
          She drew him into her arms and hugged him tightly.  "How will we
do without you, Doctor?" she said, her voice shaky.  "How will the
universe?"
          "The universe got along all right before me, it will do so
again."  He laid a hand on her cheek.  "My work is finished now...and I
have been waiting so long to be with you again."
          She laid her hand over his.  "Do you really believe we'll be
together again after death?"
          "I didn't always believe it.  Now I do, I have to."  His head
sagged back against her arm.  Fear slithered into her belly...he was
fading.
          "Doctor...Doctor!"  She lightly slapped his cheeks.  "Stay with
me now...come on!"
          His eyelids fluttered.  "Why prolong it, Ace?"
          Her lip trembled and two tears spilled over her eyelids to
trickle down her cheek.  "I can't believe this is the end for you...you're
the only thing that ever seemed eternal to me."
          "Not eternal, gladly.  To live forever...who would want that?"
          "Oh, it's not fair!" she exclaimed, grasping his hand.  "You're
dying...you waited all this time to see me again but I'll see you again in
a few days!"
          "I'll see you again too...very soon."  His eyes found hers and he
smiled gently.  "Thank you for being with me."
          She was crying openly now.  "Wouldn't have missed it for the
world," she whispered.  She bowed her forehead to his...his skin was cool
and clammy, and she could feel the tremors running through him.  "I love
you, Doctor..." she sobbed.
          He sighed.  "Oh Ace...how long I've waited to hear you say that
again."  His trembling increased and Ace clutched him to her chest.  "You
will...tell everyone goodbye...for me?"  She nodded, unable to speak. 
"There are instructions...in the TARDIS...for what to...do..."  His breath
was wheezing in and out of him now and she could feel his hearts beating in
an irregular rhythm against her chest.  She tightened her arms around him
as if she could keep him there if she held on hard enough.
          "Don't worry," she said into his ear.  "I'll take care of
everything."  She felt him nod.  She drew back slightly and held his gaze. 
He wore a different face, but there was no question as she looked into his
eyes that this was the Time Lord she knew, the man she loved, the
Doctor...and he was dying.  "I know you're afraid," she whispered to him. 
"I know you fear death..." she said.  She bent and kissed him tenderly.  He
tried to kiss her back but he felt so tired and weak.  She met his eyes
again.  "So you just look at me."  His eyes focused on hers with an effort. 
"That's right...focus on me.  Think of all the things we did together, all
the times we had."  She smiled at him as her tears fell on his upturned
face.  "Remember the whitewater rafting trip?  Nearly killed us."  He
smiled and nodded...the motion was barely perceptible.  "And remember the
second wedding?  That nearly killed everyone."  She chuckled at the memory,
never taking her eyes off his.  She felt panic icing her thoughts as his
eyes began to glaze over.  "Umm...think of...oh God, Doctor...look at me,
that's it..."
          His lips moved, barely forming the words..."Brave heart, Ace...I
love you..."
          "I love you too," she whispered.  He met her eyes one last time
and then his eyelids fluttered closed and he went limp, his head lolling to
her shoulder.  She stared down at him for a moment, trembling...she was
half-waiting for a regeneration but none came.  She sat there frozen for a
few moments, her chest hitching, then she clutched his body to her chest
and screamed wordlessly to the sky, the cry coming from the bottom of her
soul.  She buried her head in his shoulder, sobbing.  She cried for herself
even though her husband was still alive, she cried for him because his life
was over, but most of all she cried for the universe which was a far grayer
and dimmer place for his absence, even if the bulk of it was unaware of its
loss.


          She carried him into the TARDIS and laid him in the infirmary,
then went to the databank for the instructions he'd left.  Most of them
were substantially as she'd expected, although there was one request she
found unusual...but of course she would honor it.
          Ace concentrated on her task as she hooked him up to the neural
interface in the infirmary.  His mind would be transferred to the TARDIS
databank for later storage in the Matrix on Gallifrey.  She didn't look at
his face or think about the implications...she couldn't afford to break
down again, she wanted this to be over as soon as possible so she could go
home, back to Allen Road.


          A day later, the TARDIS materialized next to Benny's great arch
on Heaven.  Ace stepped out, the wind whipping her hair out behind her like
a flag.  She stared up at the structure, impressed as she always was with
its simplicity and elegance.  She wasn't sure why she was here, but she
would do as he requested.
          She went to the nearby stand of birch trees and began cutting
large branches.  The physical labor felt good, the sweat breaking out on
her brow as she chopped at the trees and carried the logs to the arch.  Her
mind wandered as she constructed the pyre, turning the events of the last
few days over and over in her mind.  Romana had met her on Gallifrey and
hadn't seemed surprised to see her with the body of the Doctor.  She had
seen to the transfer into the Matrix, sadness hanging about her like a
cloud as she went about the tasks.  They didn't speak much.  Ace didn't
know this Romana...the sixth incarnation...and they both knew that once she
returned to her proper time they wouldn't be able to talk about it, so they
kept quiet.
          She had been surprised at the general sadness in Time Lord
society at the Doctor's death.  Outcast he may have been, but she got the
definite impression that he'd become something of an underground
celebrity...degraded in public and unacknowledged, but admired by many in
secret.  Now that he was gone, there was no use keeping up the pretense. 
Romana hadn't been surprised by his unusual funeral request either but
wouldn't say why, and Ace didn't press the matter.  She had a feeling it
had to do with her own death, a subject she wasn't eager to explore.
          The pyre was complete.  Ace cut one more branch, used it to
fashion a torch and stuck it into the ground, its light casting a warm glow
over the ground beneath the arch.
          She went back into the TARDIS and reappeared momentarily, his
body in her arms.  She placed him carefully on the pyre, arranging his arms
across his chest.  She let her hand linger on his face for a moment, then
stood on tiptoe to place a kiss on his lips.  She covered him with a sheet
and stepped back, picking up the torch.
          Ace just stood by the pyre for a few moments, contemplating what
she was about to do.  Everything he had done, everything he had meant to so
many people...it was all over.  There would be no more righting of wrongs,
no more companions whisked away to adventures unimagined, and no more
galaxies saved by his cunning.  She blinked back tears.  How empty
everything seemed without him...though she was comforted by the fact that
he was alive, somewhere and in some form, at almost every moment since time
began.  He was everywhere and nowhere, present and absent, alive and dead. 
Perhaps he really was eternal...it was all a question of timing.
          "I hope you are at peace, Doctor," she said.  "You deserve your
rest now."  She touched the torch to the pyre and watched as the flames
spread across its base and began to consume it.  She tossed the torch into
the branches, her chest swelling with tears again.  "I love you," she
whispered, hugging herself as the she watched the pyre burn.


**********


in the present...


**********


          Ace stumbled into the house, more exhausted than she'd ever been. 
The TARDIS was parked in the yard, disguised as a large oak tree.  Ever the
careful planner, the Doctor had fixed the chameleon circut before coming to
collect her so that she would have a way to get back alone without anyone
knowing about it.  She collapsed onto the couch and was asleep before she
could think to pull the afghan over herself.


          Sunlight streaming through the windows shone red through Ace's
eyelids.  She sat up with a gasp, muzzy half-asleep confusion suffusing her
senses.  Had that happened?  Had it been a dream?  She rubbed her face and
held her hands up before her eyes...they were covered with small scratches
from the chopping and carrying she'd done on Heaven.  Not a dream.  
          With a sigh she swung her legs over the side of the couch. 
Nearly one o'clock in the afternoon...but what day?  She'd returned on a
Thursday night, the Doctor was set to return on Saturday afternoon.  She
went into the kitchen and picked up the phone, dialing the weather and time
number.  "At the tone...the time will be...one twenty-seven,
p.m...saturday...june...23rd..."  She dropped the phone back into the
cradle, not bothering to wait for the bloody tone.  She'd slept through
Friday completely.
          She ran upstairs, tearing her clothes off, and jumped into the
shower.  She was sweaty and dirty and sore all over...and not quite sure
how she was feeling.
          The hot water beat into her flesh as she stood motionless in the
stall, leaning against the tiles.  Just knowing that somewhere he was dead
made her profoundly sad, and yet at the same time, the certainty that he
would outlive her was comforting.  She'd always worried that something
would happen and he wouldn't make it through his regenerative cycle...at
least that concern had been answered.  
          They'd only been together a few days, yet each time he looked at
her she could see his pain at her death shining from behind his eyes, a
sorrow that time had not healed nor distance dulled.  And he'd been so
different, yet so familiar.  It was as if he'd been distilled by time and
life, reduced down to his essential self with each regeneration and each
century lived.  It had been refreshing but at the same time eerie.  The
Doctor was such a complex person that it was almost disturbing to find at
his core...simplicity.
          She washed her hair, turning her face into the water.  She was
glad to have been there, honored to have been the last person he saw before
death...and more than ever, mystified by the walking enigma that she had
married.  He was no more clear to her now than he had ever been, but she
felt closer to him for the experience.


          Ace was sitting at the kitchen table with her wet hair wrapped in
a towel, dressed in comfortable leggings and and a t-shirt, when she heard
a TARDIS arriving.  She listened for a moment, a smile curling her lips,
then closed her book with a bang and jumped up.
          She whipped the towel off her hair and ran to the front door. 
The blue police box was sitting in the front yard just where it had been a
week ago.  She grinned, not surprised at how glad she was to see its
familiar boxy shape.  The door opened and the Doctor stepped out, looking
equally glad to be back.  He saw her standing on the stoop and waved with a
smile.  Ace ran up the yard and jumped into his arms, sending him
staggering back a little with the impact.  "Oof!" he exclaimed.  "My
goodness, you must be glad to see me!" he said, hugging her back.
          "You have no idea," she said.  She drew back and kissed him
enthusiastically, which he returned in kind.  They walked away from the
TARDIS, their arms linked about each others' waists.  "How was the
conference?" she asked, eager to hear about all things mundane and
ordinary.
          "About as you predicted...dusty old books, dusty old
philosophers.  Still, there was some interesting debate...but it wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be."
          "Why not?"
          "Oh, I don't know.  Perhaps because I had someone to miss."  They
walked around to the back of the house by the lake.  "Did you have a
pleasant holiday?"
          "Yes," she said carefully.  "It was fine."
          "What did you do?"
          For a split second, she considered telling him everything.  I saw
you die, Doctor.  I held you as your life ended and then I burned your
body.  It seemed incomprehensible that she had to keep such an important
event from the person she was closest to in the world...but he could not
know, ever.  This was her secret to keep, and keep it she would.  "Nothing
of consequence," she said.
          They sat in the wooden lounge chairs on the lawn and talked as
the sun went down, easy talk of her largely invented holiday and his
conference.  Ace watched his face, bathed in warm evening light, and with
each word they spoke she felt herself moving further away from his death
and back, happily, towards their life.



                                                                               
THE END




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