Detour

11/24/97
DETOUR
"A Little Detour into Nothingness"
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer: I made this. Well, the dumb part. This review is based on actual events or so I am told. Any attempt to re-broadcast is expressly prohibited without written contest from at least 20 doctors and 5 people that work at FOX.

Opening Season -

Leon County - Hey wait there is nothing in this county, except some big huge forest and some really dumb old women’s college. Oh wait that’s right they went co-ed not too long ago and fielded a football team. Which got their butts beat this week too if I might add. And wait that ain’t northern Fl it is more western Fl like the Panhandle and where all the oysters you can’t eat are harvested. Oh well, we see two dudes walking through the woods and taking measurements for the newest Blockbuster store.

One guy is a tree lover and the other is like just bored. They go about their biz and are taking measurement when the bored one by accident stabs a half tree half Pounce De-Leon 3 quarter's predator creature. The predator throw back is not pleased as he suffered a flesh wound and is bleeding. So he like kills the bored dude. Or so we are lead to believe as we just hear a scream. Then we see the tree lover bolt, some friend didn’t even go see if he could help his now dead measurement taking pal. Anyway the tree lover bolts but only to be taken by the evil half tree half Pounce De-Leon 3 quarter's predator creature.

Cue Music-

FRANK SPOTNIZT: I said cue the damn music!

KIM MANNERS: Um... Frank, Gillian refuses to sing. She said she would be more then happy to do a voice over let us use exerts from "Extremis" but she won’t sing.

FS: Like hell she won’t! We wouldn’t have written the part if we didn’t think it would be scary enough for the show. Get her butt out here now!

KM: Well that is true, I heard she can’t sing and that would be scary. But she won’t come, she says she is busy on the phone with Rodeny. I believe her exact words were "Frank can bite me!"

CC: What’s the hold up here?

KM: Gillian refuses to sing sir.

CC: That does it! Just for that next week the ep will be in Black and White!

KM: How is that going to get even with Gillian?

CC: She won’t look like a sex goddess without her red hair. And she said something about B&W films make her look short and fat. So next week the ep is in B&W and then after that when she thought she would have time off to spend with that punk down in San Diego she is always one the phone with... Well, I think we will just have to do a Scully 2 part arc. Give David the whole month off so we don’t have to hear how lonely he is and misses what’s her face.

FS: So what do we do for the music then Chris?

CC: Get Skinner to sing, he used to do Musicals and I hear he loves show tunes.

KM: Um... can’t he is well he was off filming a new special for FOX on magicians but they sort of tied him up and dumped him in a tank of water you know like a escape trick thing only Skinner disappeared and well.. they can’t find him.

CC: Ouch that is not good. Well then get David make him sing.

KM: Can’t he says it’s not in his contract and he is on the phone to.

CC: Good God are both my stars hooked to the 1 900 sex line or what! Get Rat boy, he will sing.

FS: OK but what will he be singing? The score Mark Snow made was for an alto that couldn’t carry a tune like Gillian, and I heard RatBoy can sing.

CC: Screw it I’ll sing! Get out of my way and where is the damn microphone?

FS: What ya gonna sing Chris?

CC: What was Gillian supposed to sing?

KM: Joy to the World by Three Dog Night.

CC: I never liked them but I do like CCR so how about... I know this is more fitting....

"I see a the bad moon a rising. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lighting. I see bad times today. Don’t go out to night. It’s bound to take your life. Yeah, the bad moon’s on the rise." Or is that "hey the bathroom's on the right?"
"Bad Moon Rising"
Creedence Clearwater Revival

Next a boy and his dog, oh yeah and his dad are walking through the woods. They stumble across the surveyor's equipment and well the dad is smart and figures something is up so he sends the boy back for help....

Meanwhile on some barren and desserted highway, umm route 43, Mulder and Scully are on their way to an FBI convention. Mulder looks absolutely thrilled to be in FL. Hey at least he ain’t in Vancouver! Scully looks like she is ready to punch the nerdy FBI agents in the face, and is dying for a reason to ditch them. Quickly Mulder and Scully scramble for their seat belts, toss the beer out the window and eat the pot as they are stopped at a road block as there are lots of State Troopers.

Mulder gets out of the car and for some reason this lady thinks he knows what is going on so she lays this sad tale about her husband being missing. Mulder thinks Pounce De Leon might could be involved so goes to find out what is up. Scully sees him and follows. Turns out some people are missing. Scully sees this as a perfect time to ditch the nerd FBI agents they are with and gets Mulder and herself a hotel room.

Later that evening Scully drops in on Mulder to thank him for saving her from the car trip from hell with the two nerdy agents, and brings him wine and cheese....

MULDER: Who cut the cheese?

SCULLY: You..... remember women don’t fart we just pass gas silently. Want to get trashed? I brought wine.

MULDER: Where did you get that I thought this was one of those dry hillbilly counties in FL?

SCULLY: I have connections to you know. Anyways thanks for ditching the nerds. If we’d stayed in that car one more minute I know they would have started making us sing along to the oldie's channel and then I’d have been forced to kill them.

MULDER: Oh that’s right you don’t sing....

SCULLY: Exactly! So wanna get trashed? And maybe....

MULDER: Whoa, Ms federal employee. We are sort of on duty, there is an x-file here to be solved, and the last thing I’d want to do is be forced to kick your ass....

SCULLY: Kick my ass for what?

MULDER: I remember tail hook and that stuff, you women are...

SCULLY: Us women what? And I highly doubt you could kick my ass. I may be small but I know of at least 10 different ways to kill a person with just my bare hands! So watch it bucko! And what do you mean there is an x-file here? I thought....

MULDER: You thought I was making it up to ditch tweedle dee and tweedle dumb? Not hardly, I was rather looking forward to the sing along, had my tape recorder handy for black mail later too. But there is an x-file here come on I’ll show you...

SCULLY: But Mulder what about the cheese and the wine? I went through a lot of trouble getting this bottle of wine....

Mulder goes to see that lady. Oh wait something spooky happened at that lady’s house. Anyway the next morning Mulder and Scully go check out the damage, and Mulder shows off is extensive knowledge on how people walk. Scully is not impressed with her "Indian guide" of a partner. As she would rather go back to the hotel and watch the tape of the invisible man they swiped from the boy’s room, eat cheese, and drink wine. The other red head shows up and Mulder impress her with his knowledge of the total useless information.

So later they set out to find the missing dad and what is in the woods. One of the group members has a really cool toy and all play with it for a bit. They walk and walk, the redhead rescue woman leaves a trail of bread crumbs so they don’t get lost and Scully 's hair is frizzed out from the humidity of Vancouver... Um.. Northern Fl. But she looks good for a person just getting over cancer and all. Well they walk and walk and play with the new infer red toy some. Gillian... Um Scully tries to make a phone call but is informed...

DEAD MEAT RECUE GUY WITH THE COOL TOY: Um, ma’am that wouldn’t work out here. SCULLY: Why the hell not!?

DMRGWTCT: Because....

SCULLY: That is s dumb answer. I need to talk to my manager! Look at the way they have me made up! My hair is all frizzed out and I look like shit! How the hell am I supposed to win an Emmy looking like this?

RED HEAD RESCUE CHICK: Well my buddy is right, your phone won’t work here because this is no mans land and we can’t even log on to AOL in these towns so what makes you think we would have towers for cell phones?

SCULLY: Good god I'm in the boonies! What next are you going to start making me squeal like a pig? I need to talk to my manager!

MULDER: It’s OK you can call when we get back. This won’t take long Scully, and we ditched the nerds so we have the rest of the weekend to enjoy FL. We’ll drive down to the beach tomorrow and work on our tans OK?

They continue walking until the woods start to move. You are sort of half excepting to see Arnold come out and slay the predator. But instead the girls go running off in one directions and the boys the other. And yep the evil tree thing attacks and pulls the red head rescue lady. Scully screams for Mulder and Mulder shows up, just like that, magic , ta. Scully then explains how they were walking and then the other redhead just disappears. Scully demands, "What the HELL is happening here!"

Things start to happen like fast as the woods are infected with these evil tree creatures and well, our little rescue gang figures out that it is best to get the fu** out, screw the missing people! Besides they have no food or water. So they run away. But the mean evil tree creatures took the little stones the redhead rescue chick left so now they are lost. Stuff happens and the dude with the cool toy is next on the list and disappears. Mulder and Scully fire thier guns a lot and run around some more before they release "Hey we are almost out of ammo, and the cell phones really don’t work out here. We're screwed!"

Next it is Mulder’s turn to be taken by the tree people, but their attempt is foiled by Scully. Mulder is hurt and it is getting dark so Mulder and Scully make camp. Scully tries to start a fire...

MULDER: What ya doing?

SCULLY: Saving your ass, "Mr. I was an Indian guide!"

MULDER: You will never start the fire like that.

SCULLY: Just sit back and watch!

Scully opens one or her bullets and tries to use the powder to start the fire. But this is Fl and everything is wet and humid so it didn’t work...

MULDER: Told ya so! Now we are gonna freeze!

SCULLY: Too bad we don’t have a sleeping bag huh?

MULDER: Are you coming on to me Scully?

SCULLY: No, that was last night but you blew me off. Right now I’m trying to figure a way to save your ass yet again!

MULDER: Well, we need heat, and body heat seems....

SCULLY: Is that all that is ever on your mind... sex?

MULDER: No, but I think we should cuddle, I mean it wouldn’t be the first time... and besides I’m injured and wouldn’t be able to Um... you know...

SCULLY: Oh yeah true, so my virginity would be safe....OK... we cuddle then what?

MULDER: We wait till morning they’ll send a rescue team for us. Oh man my arm hurts..... think ya could rock me to sleep?

SCULLY: Mulder, you are such a baby... come here...

MULDER: Um... Scully?

SCULLY: Yeah Mulder?

MULDER: What’s it feel like to be dying?

SCULLY: You are really pathetic Mulder, all you have is a mere flesh wound you are not going to die. I know what going to die feels like, I seem to have that feeling every week thanks to you, and then of course with the just getting over cancer and all....

MULDER: Yeah that was pretty cool how you got better so fast.

SCULLY: Well, it didn’t happen as fast as you might think but it did make me re-focus my goals in live.

MULDER: And those would be?

SCULLY: Well... I’d like to make some movies, and then write a book, oh and get a desk...

MULDER: Scully...

SCULLY: Yeah....

MULDER: Would you sing me to sleep?

SCULLY: Mulder you are NUTS!

MULDER: Please, pretty pretty please with sugar one top.... My mama used to rock and sing me to sleep and I’m in so much pain from that tree bite, I really need to be ....

SCULLY: Gee the things I have to put up with just to earn an honest living... fine I’ll sing.....

Scully rocks Mulder to sleep while singing "Joy the World." The next morning Mulder feels much better, Scully finds some berries and has breakfast, then falls into a sink hole. Mulder gets scared and jumps in the hole with her. They find all the missing people and....

SCULLY: Well here they are this episode is over lets go home.

MULDER: Wait how do explain this Scully?

SCULLY: I don’t know nor do I care. There is some scientific explanation I’m sure but to be honest, I just wanna go home. This state is giving my hair split ends!

MULDER: Well we are like sort of in a predicament you know...

SCULLY: How so?

MULDER: Well we are stuck in a sink hole, some where in one of the vast forests in Fl with tree people... Oh Scully shoot the tree creature on your right.

Scully shoots, but we can’t tell if she hit it. Chances are she didn’t as Scully is a bad shot and it usually takes 3 or 4 tries before she hits the target....

MULDER: You missed. So what you are down to 2 shoots and me 4... Oh quick kill the tree monster on your left now....

Scully shoots and it appears she hits this time.....

SCULLY: There tree people all dead. So now this episode is over we found out it was a tree thing, and we found all the victims and most look they are alive, not doing great but breathing so lets go...

MULDER: Well that’s my point there is no latter and no other way out other then that hole way up there....

SCULLY: Oh great.... Way to crush my dreams and hopes of having a long and fruit full life. So now what?

MULDER: We could stack these bodies and since I'm the tall one I'd have a better chance of reaching the surface. I'll then go get help....

SCULLY: But what about me?????

MULDER: What about you? You killed the tree people and well I'll be back.... Might be a while but no worries you have food for a while once those people crock so....

Just then they hear voices...

MULDER: You hear that?

SCULLY: Yea it sounds like the nerds. Good God they really did have orders to make us attend that dumb convention. Hush if we are quite they will go away.

FBI NERD GUY: Hello down there! Thought we lost you....

MULDER: We never have such luck....

FBI NERD GUY: Here lets get you out of there and if we hurry we will just make the "say a sentence without using double negatives" contest...

As the episode closes all are pulled from the hole, safe and sound. The one FBI dude informs Mulder that one of the creatures was not accounted for and they toss theories around as to what was in these woods. Mulder has a notion sort a like Um... woman’s intrusion but only he ain’t a woman so it is the male for version of this ummm oh yeah a gut feeling. Anyway he demands to know where Scully is, and then high tail's it to the motel room, where an unsuspecting Scully is packing. Mulder gets there and they bolt. Of course under the bed as the episode closes we see a tree monster.... Oh scary..... THE END