SCULLY: Mulder, how long ago did this happen?
MULDER: Tres Dais.... Damn I should have paid attention in Spanish class instead of eyeing the hot chicks!
SCULLY: What are you mumbling about? Are you trying to speak Spanish, Spanglish or Ebonics? And stop shoving those damn sun flower seeds in your mouth I can’t understand what you are saying! So why are we here again Mulder?
MULDER: Well these people said some girl was found dead and then there was something about a big bright light, and you know how I like cases that have big bright lights in them.
SCULLY: Don’t remind me! I still can’t believe you dragged me to dumb town of Springfield earlier! And for what? Nothing! Just some fat loser named Homer kept hitting on me while you gave one of those Mulderisms again. And that was a weird case, I felt like.... I felt like I wasn’t myself like I was animated and not in a flattering way either! I am an actress damn it not a cartoon character!
MULDER: Well at least you looked hot! They gave me a big nose!
SCULLY: Mulder you do have a big nose! But lets get back to this case so I can solve it and I can get back to...
MULDER: To what Scully? Ya know I read in this mornings "Mirror" that...
SCULLY: Hey! That is a trash tabloid, and I thought you said you didn’t read those things or the TV Guide, remember how they started the thing about you and Wilonna, but it really turned out to be your new car that you were in love with?
MULDER: Well that was the TV Guide for ya but The '"Mirror" is a real newspaper and I believe what they print and well you were the top billing this morning! A Toyboy huh? Is that why we have to wrap this case up so fast so you can go and play?
SCULLY: No! I have things to do and....
MULDER: And what? Come on spill it you can tell me. What happened to good ol’e Clyde?
SCULLY: No comment! So come on I hate this place the rain sucks and it smells! So what are your theories on this dead goat?
MULDER: Yeah your right this place is a dump! Oh yeah they had yellow rain.
SCULLY: OK, I’ll bite... What’s so bloody important about yellow rain?
MULDER: Bloody... been in the UK recently huh?
SCULLY: Can it Mulder! I ain’t talking about it especially with you! Now the rain and the explanation please!
MULDER: Oh, yeah I believe this was where a meteor hit and it is what the writer um... John Shiban is trying to connect to something called a transient or what ever. Anyways I have heard of 14 other cases like this...
SCULLY: 14? How come I never heard of this?
MULDER:Well, because you have been busy with Toyboy.... Well if you believe what is written in the Tabloids that is...sorry couldn’t resists. Anyways one of the similarities in this is the rain in this case was yellow rain but there have been reports of multicolored rains. Though my favorite is purple rain.
SCULLY: Yeah same here I liked that album. Hey that reminds me, I have an idea for a story line and I really would like to see CC use it. How do you get him to listen to yours and then actually air them?
MULDER: Well, um...I do it like everyone else, I brown nose Scully. So what is your idea for a story?
SCULLY: Um...to find out why Prince changed his name and how to pronounce it. Anyway lets get this case done, what else do I need to know about this before I solve it for you?
MULDER: You? Solve this HA! Don’t make me laugh! But I assume the body of Maria is...
SCULLY: Assume? You mean you don’t know. And no one has done an autopsy yet?
MULDER: Now hold up a minute there little "I can’t wait to perform the autopsy cause it makes me look so smart," miss. The autopsy hasn’t been done yet because well, first no body cares. Second because those autopsy scenes are boring as hell and third because.... Well these are illegal’s and...
SCULLY: Hired cheep labor exploited by the rich white conglomerate white big business type is not a concern of the average US citizen?
MULDER: Something along those lines. How do you know so much about this subject?
SCULLY: Well. I have been having the same type of run in with the good ol’e boys at FOX over my pay and I also read the whole script this time. And man-o-man are we going to try make a social statement in this one!
MULDER: Yeah you said it. The conditions these people have to deal with...
SCULLY: Nah... that ain’t the statement in this one. It’s the drive to have Spanglish recognized as a language like Ebonics.
FAT WOMAN: It was the El Chupacabia.
SCULLY: Huh? Mulder what the bleep is she rambling about?
MULDER: Scully you mean you have never heard about the Chupacabia?
SCULLY: Now if I had heard about it why would I be ask what it is?
MULDER: It is an old traditional Mexican ghost story or folk tale if you will. About a goat sucker, but not just your average goat sucker Scully. This one is a small gray creature, with a big head and dark eyes.
SCULLY: Sort of like Skinner you mean but short?
MULDER: Yeah like that anyway it’s been a long time since I heard the story but he sucks the goats blood and leaves funny colored rain.
SOLEDAD: It was no Chupacabia. That is a tale told by fat old women to scare little kids when they mess the tortillas up, just like the tale of the giant tamale that roams the streets of LA on Christmas Eve eating all the white people and bad little Mexican kids! It’s the Mexican equivalent to the lump of coal the cringos threaten their children with, right you know what I mean you have kids right?
MULDER: Nah... we are in the FBI and not allowed to have kids hell because we’re in the X-Files we don’t even get sex except with the occasional vampire. Besides I offered my genes to Scully so we could make Uber Scully's once but she turned me down.
SCULLY:Yeah tell me about it! I saw the script for Never Again and I was gonna get some and right after the Super Bowl! But then there was this big stink about new ratings system and not wanting to make Mulder mad so they wrote it out! Now there are snakes and they are thinking of airing a different episode after the Super Bowl game! Talk about getting the shaft! Hell I’ve have even read the rumors on the net that they will be showing ‘The Pilot’ after the big game!
MULDER: They won’t be doing that! FOX may be dumb but they aren’t stupid! And my money is on Never Again getting aired and the Patsy’s winning the Super Bowl!
SCULLY: The Patsy’s Oh please! It will be the Pack! The cheese heads are back to the glory days of the Lombradi era and will rock! And Brett Favre has a nice ass too!
MULDER: You are just saying that cause you are from Michigan and the Lions are losers so you jump on the band wagon of the Packers! And Favre has a nice butt huh? Better than Toyboy’s?
SCULLY: Shut up Mulder! And yeah the Pack but lets get this damn case over with, the smell is worse in the camp than by that dead goat!
MULDER: Yeah smells like burnt re-fried beans! So you know something about Maria?
SOLEDAD: Yeah and it wasn’t no goat sucker it was worse it was my brother! That women stealer! If I find him so help me I’ll kill him!
SCULLY: Thank you for the brief synopsis on this really bad Mexican Soap Opera. 2 men, 1 woman means trouble in my book, we’re outta here Mulder. Lets go!
Mulder goes down to the INS office and get the scoop from Agent Lazono, on how they have a Juan Valdez, Cesar Chavez, and Placido Damingo but no Eladio.
Scully demands the county coroner show her the body of Maria. They unzip the bag and there is nothing but lots of fungus. Meanwhile Lazono takes Mulder to meet Erik Estrada who turns out to be Eladio. Mulder has Lazono question him and Eladio gives quite the show denying everything. Later Eladio is loaded on a bus with other ‘wet-backs,’ as they are to be deported after they see the judge. Scully arrives and gives Mulder the lowdown on what she found.
Scully drives the Taurus and Mulder does his version of West Side Story. Scully tells Mulder she doesn’t think Eladio did it and that it was the work of some strange fungus gone array. Scully gives a long drawn out detailed explanation using lots of real big words on how she thinks it was really just dust that mixed with pesticides reeked havoc on her already depleted immune system causing her eyes and lips to get eaten by this killer fungus -or something to that effect.
Mulder and Scully see the bus carrying the soon to be deportee’s in a ditch along side of the road with all the Mexican’s fleeing. Mulder sings his favorite Chech and Chong song:
Scully is not amused and they look into the bus only to find the latest victim of the killer fungi -the bus driver. Scully takes a sample and then gets pissed at Mulder. Meanwhile Eladio knows he must leave and decides to change is appearance with a hair cut and goes to see the local barber/bringer of illegal immigrants. The dude tells Eladio he needs cash to go back to Mexico no cash no go back. We see how the inner workings of the illegal migrant system and Eladio gets work from some cheep construction owner who doesn’t wanna pay the taxes to hire a US citizen and opts for cheep tax-free illegal help instead.
Scully gets a better look at the fungus found on the dead bus driver -which turns out to be a lethal form of Athletes foot. Scully figures the whole thing out - it was really an enzyme that is mutated and when it comes in contact with any type of fugues or bacteria it acts as a catalyst. Scully watches as the local bio-fungus-scienist shows her how it works.
Meanwhile Mulder and Lazono track Eladio to the local hang out spot for migrant workers looking for work. Mulder notices the nice graffiti on the wall and wonders if it was the Bloods or the Crypts that left it. Eladio is at work when strange yellow stuff starts to ooze from his head. He looks for the head construction dude but is distracted by his big brother Soledad, who has a big lead pipe. Eladio flees and Soledad needs to use the port-a-potty. But it is in use... By the now dead construction dude. Eladio goes to see his cousin Gabrielle.
Scully calls Mulder...
SCULLY: Mulder, it’s me...
MULDER: Scully?
SCULLY: Yeah who else calls you and says Mulder it’s me... you nim nod! Anyways we can go home know I figured it out.
MULDER: Yeah what is it, an alien, a government experiment gone bad what?
SCULLY: Nah... just some freaky enzyme that Eladio is probably carrying. So lets go let the local CDC people deal with this deadly out break, I have better things to do with my time.
MULDER: Not the "I wanna go home and play with toyboy," thing again! Look Scully, I’ve been thinking.
SCULLY: How many times did I tell you not to think! It’s dangerous! Besides I’m the one with the brains in this outfit you are just the beefcake!
MULDER: Will you just humor me, please?
SCULLY: This ain’t gonna be one of those "it can from outer space Mulderisms" is it cause I don’t have time to...
MULDER: Please! Will you bare with me? And besides it’s in the script. Just turn to page 203 and there in big fat bold letters "It came from outer space Mulderism," so there!
MULDER: Blah blah meteor blah blah aliens blah blah.....
SCULLY: Oh wow! Great! Cool! You done yet?
MULDER: No! Blah blah big noise blah blah the big bang theory blah blah....
SCULLY: Will you hurry this up I’m gonna miss the Joan Rivers Fashion Review of the Emmy’s!
MULDER: Blah blah the Bible, blah blah blah Orson Wells blah blah One Giant Step for Man blah blah 2001 blah blah Star Wars blah blah Spock blah blah and mutated enzymes.
SCULLY: Well its about damn time you finished! And that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard spew from your mouth! Look I’m taking control! I’m sick of following your stupid leads and really bored with this crap about the Chupacabia. This is what we are going to do!
Scully, Mulder and Lazono go pay Gaby a visit. Scully explains things and then they leave, remember Scully is in charge now. Meanwhile we see Eladio at a supper market sick, transforming and hungry. So he starts to eat the nuts, but gets caught by a the hired help and flees. He gets a call from Gaby and flees again. Soledad leaves Gaby’s place as Mulder and Scully trail him. They corner him in the grocery store.
TUCKER GATES: CUT! Get that damn ET crew out of here we are trying to film!
MULDER: I’m sorry Tuck. I told them they could come. They are doing a story on how lonely I am stuck up here in Vancouver.
TG: I don’t give a rats ass what they are here for now get them off my site! Let them wait in your trailer.
SCULLY: Yeah get’em out of here! Unless the want to do a story on me....
ET INTERVIEW PERSON: Nah... we only do stories on David cause he is a guy and most of our viewers are women with no lives and go gaga over big beefcakes like David. The only time they wanna hear about you is when your love life is in an uproar. And no we don’t care about your pay difference fight! We are Republicains when we vote and really don’t care about political struggles of the down and out abused stories we only want beef cakes!
MULDER: Go on Scully, tell them about Toyboy...
SCULLY: Shut up Mulder! Remember I’m in take charge mode here and I am holding a gun, and even though I’m not a great shot I can still put a hole in that beefcake body of yours!
TG: Are you two done bickering? Can we please continue with the scene? OK ACTION!
The Flash back that the Fat woman at the beginning of the episode had, comes to a close and we get what will be one of three different takes on the ending of this episode. Kind a like the way the movie "Clue" ended. First we get the Fat lady’s take.
She says, she saw Lazono yelling for Eladio then a chase scene and they went over the hill. Then a noise and when she went to look she found Lazono laying on the ground with that fungus stuff, then bright lights and aliens.....
Gaby’s version as told to the migrant workers while waiting for the next job on the street corner... Lazono says Shoot! shoot! Soledad says no! There is a struggle the gun goes off and Soledad and Eladio disappear forever to be doomed to walk the earth as the Chupacabia.
Then a pan of the graffiti filled walls reveals an alien head and we fade to reveal Skinner -who’s head looks like the alien’s- and get Mulder and Scully’s take on the events. Scully explains that they found Lazono with a gun shot wound and fungus. The aliens the Fat lady spoke of were just people from the disease center in suits. They found the gun about 10 miles up the way next to the car of the now dead local barber/bringer of illegal immigrants. And they have no clue what happened to the brothers. Scully also adds that she really is sick and tired of the people in wardrobe, "This shade of purple does nothing for me!" Scully quips before all agree this case is closed.
We see 2 figures on the road with deformed heads walking..... These are either the 2 Chupacabia brothers or the escaped Menendez brothers your pick....
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