Emily

12/15/97
EMILY
'Nothingness For Emily... A Review'
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer: Danger Will Robinson, Danger. Run away. Um, OK not mine someone else’s. Yes I wrote this but was inspired by others, like MAD, and other various pieces of sick humor. Oh and the x-files of course. I can not expect responsibility for the bad grammar or spelling.

Opening Season -

It's a re-cap of what happened last week.....

Stuff happened until the end and Dana was a sleep on the couch but Santa woke her and then someone knocked on the door, it was some package for Scully. She opens it and is stunned.....

TARA: What is it Dana....
SCULLY: OHMYGOSH!!!
MAMA SCULLY: What honey...
SCULLY: OHMYGOSH!!!!
BILLY: Cut the crap, what is it!
SCULLY: I'm a mama!!!!
THE SCULLY's: Huh?????
SCULLY: This says I'm the mom of Emily.......
BILLY: I thought you said Melissa was even though she wasn't ever pregnant remember you went off on inverto and stuff...
SCULLY: Yeah will says right her my DNA is a perfect 100% match, I have a kid anyone have a cigar?
MAMA SCULLY: But Dana dear you can't get pregos you are barren remember.....
SCULLY: Don't matter, these tests are never wrong and it says right here Emily is Dana Scully's biological kid!
BILLY: Dana why you always have to upstage me?
SCULLY: Huh?
BILLY: Me and Tara was gonna be the first to have kids, with Charlie being gay and all you being barren and Melissa being dead.... Then you contrive this Melissa is a mom thing, even though she is dead .. Now that there is holes in that you claim to have a kid even though the aliens removed all our child making things... You ruined my Christmas! Oh and guess what Dana!
SCULLY: What?
BILLY: I really did kill your rabbit! So there!
SCULLY: So what I got over that years ago..... And I'm a mama now!!!! Whoo hoo!!!! I wonder who the daddy is.....

To Be Continued......

Cue Music-

X/F FAN#1: That’s not right! That was just a re-cap where is the rest of the teaser?
X/F FAN#2: Yeah your right, and who the hell is that...... Stevie Nicks? What she doing on the X-Files?
X/F FAN#1: Yeah right she ain’t on this show! You know this is getting bad... I predicted the x-files has run its course.
X/F FAN#2: Why do you say that this show ROCKS!
X/F FAN#1: No it used to ROCK! But now they just have ROCK stars as guests.
X/F FAN#2: Huh?
X/F FAN#1: First Dave Grohl...
X/F FAN#2: Hey Nirvana kicks dude!
X/F FAN#1: Used to kick before Kurt re-did his face with that shot gun.... But where was I? Oh yeah, Dave then Cher...
X/F FAN#2: Cher?!?! She was in an x-file?
X/F FAN#1: Dude she is an x-file! God I hate watching with new people. Ya’ll think CC can’t do no wrong well let me tell he sucks now!
X/F FAN#2: Why you say that?
X/F FAN#1: Two weeks ago Cher this week Stevie Nicks.
X/F FAN#2: Whao! That’s not Stevie Nicks, that’s Scully and man is she HOT!
X/F FAN#1: That ain’t Scully! That is Stevie Nicks see she is walking bare feet in sand or snow or something lots of wind and singing.... Scully can’t sing.
X/F FAN#2: But those look like Scully’s feet.... Cool Scully’s bare feet.....
X/F FAN#1: Dude you are sick!
X/F FAN#2: Oh she’s bending down to get that cross... Yeah baby bend over and pick that up. Yep just like that. Whoa MAMA is she one fine looking alien hunter.
X/F FAN#1: I’m telling dude that ain’t Scully it’s Stevie. I think you have it on the wrong channel. It should be on FOX not VH1.
X/F FAN#2: Nope this is FOX see that damn logo in the corner and wait... yep the sound just went out and look its NBC.... and what does that say!?!?
X/F FAN#1: Its says "Sorry Scully I can't give you my heart cause it belongs to the beautiful, wonderful Heike and NOTHING can change it!"
X/F FAN#2: And is supposed to mean what?
X/F FAN#1: It’s code for "That it ain’t Scully it’s Stevie Nicks!" See, listen to the tune.....

"I’ve been afraid of changing because I... I built my life around you . Oh but you know time makes you bolder, children are getting older and I’m getting older too yeah... Take this love... Take it down... Ah if you climb the mountains and you turn around and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills... Will the land slide down? And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills...Well maybe the landslide will bring it down"
‘Landslide’
Stevie Nicks

We see Mulder. He is going to see Scully who is with Emily....

SCULLY: Emily you know who this is?
EMILY: My daddy?
SCULLY: Yeah that’s right and his name is Mulder.
EMILY: Hi Daddy Mulder.
MULDER: Hi Emily, what ya drawing?
EMILY: A potato. Hey Daddy Mulder you look like Mr. Potato head especially when Mommy Scully showed me a picture of you wearing that funny hat.
MULDER: What picture?
SCULLY: Nothing she is dumb and doesn’t know what she is talking about.
MULDER: Then she ain’t my kid! No way I sire a dumb kid. I’m not gonna take responsibility for a retard.... count me out of the hearing today!
SCULLY: You will be there.
MULDER: Will not!
SCULLY: Will too!
MULDER: Will NOT!
SCULLY: WILL TOO! Or I won’t give you your Christmas present!
MULDER: Uh, what did you get me?
SCULLY: If I tell you I will have to kill, and you have to wait till after the hearing.
MULDER: Emily, what did Mommy Scully get me?
EMILY: A bag of sunflower seeds and a new hat.
MULDER: Smart kid! So hand over the seeds Scully.
SCULLY: She lies I didn’t get you that.
MULDER: Little kids don’t lie they are innocent and stuff.
SCULLY: This one does! Now come on lets go or we will be late for the hearing.

We are now looking at the court house and Mulder is sitting waiting for his turn to testify and eating sunflower seeds. The other Scully’s come out Mulder goes in and spills his guts while Dana looks on.

MULDER: I know this sounds dumb but Emily IS Ms. Scully’s kid and I’m the daddy or so I hope.
JUDGE: How can she be the kids mom she is barren and also a virgin?
MULDER: Ever hear of the Bible? It’s called the Immaculate Conception.
JUDGE: That has only happened once and is still not a proven fact.
SCULLY: Uh sir, it is true, it was one of our cases last year and of course Mulder saw the whole thing. I didn’t as I turned away when it occurred I must have been doing an autopsy or something as I never see the weird stuff only Mulder does. And I trust him so if he says it happened they it did.
JUDGE: Oh that’s right you two work in that weird section the government denies exists..... The...
MULDER: X-Files.
JUDGE: No, not the X-Files the DNC. I received a memo from them on things I should NOT do so I can avoid Congressional hearings during my stay as a judge.
MULDER: What ever...... Look Scully is a mother....
JUDGE: A mother what.... f**** Now Mr. Mulder that is no way to help this young lady gain custody....
MULDER: Stop putting words in my mouth let me re-phrase that..... Scully IS the mother
JUDGE: I still don’t believe you.
MULDER: The truth...
JUDGE: Yeah that would be good.
MULDER: Well it’s out there.... See Scully was abducted by Aliens...
SCULLY: I was missing and they weren’t aliens they where crazy Japanese train drivers!
MULDER: Sure fine what ever... she was abduct...errr missing for 4 weeks...
SCULLY: No! Can’t you do math! It was longer then that it was from Aug. to Nov.
MULDER: What ever..... It doesn’t matter. We will always change that span time around as the truth is we forgot to keep a record of it. So we will just make this part up to suite our needs OK?

Scully nods in agreement

MULDER: OK it was during this FOUR WEEKS that alien... err the Japanese train drivers removed her eggs and all other child making appliances then they returned her to die in a hospital some where.
JUDGE: Wait they removed her reproductive parts yet she had Emily, how?
MULDER: I’m getting to that part. They then added some sperm I’m hoping its mine, and made a test tube baby named Emily. There when do we sign the adoption papers?

Later that evening Mulder and Scully have a nice heart to heart only to be interrupted by the phone. It must have been something important because Mulder traced it. Hey at least it wasn’t Melissa calling from he grave again. Anyway they high tail it to the Children’s home to see Emily when they get there they find Emily sweating bullets and call 911. Mulder notices something on her neck. She’s a clone! At the hospital they attempt to treat Emily but are cloneless err clueless as to how to treat a clone. Actually they debate if she is a true clone, a hybrid clone or just a drone. The thought that she is none of the above and a normal kid is all but put to rest when she spews clone gas. Scully stays by Emily side while Mulder goes to hunt down the doctor that was treating Emily.

MULDER: Why won’t you turn over the little girls medical records?
DR. CALDERON: Because you don’t work for my company and if this stuff gets out we stand to lose mega bucks!
MULDER: Oh so there is nothing I can do to change your mind?
DR. CALDERON: Nope.
MULDER: Then I’m afraid I’m gonna have to kick your ass!

Mulder knocks the good doc around a bit till he causes a ruckus and security comes. Mulder leaves but hides. He then follows the doc. Mulder doesn’t realize this but the doc is killed by the other clones -they have a clone skewer. They both morph into the doc. One goes one way Mulder follows him. The other to the hospital. The one at the hospital gives Emily a clone pick-me-up. Scully spots him and tries to stop his sorry ass. But losses him in the crowd. Mulder follows his clone and somehow ends up at a nursing home. Were it turns out Emily’s surrogate mother is. Seems a lot of ladies in this old folks home often pose as surrogate mothers.

Mulder snoops can finds another one of Scully’s kids and some green stuff. He then steals several vials before he sees the clone of the doc coming. So he tries to flee but onl to be stopped by the young detective. The detective doesn’t listen to Mulder and fires his gun, of course this releases the clone gas and the young detective passes out. The clone morphs into the detective and leaves.

Mulder joins Scully at the hospital and learns Emily is a goner as she is now in a coma. Scully lets Emily die. Next we are at either Emily’s funeral or Matt’s christening. I think it is Emily’s funeral. All console Scully. They leave well not before Tara shows off her new son Matt. Mulder shows up with flowers.

MULDER: Well it was nice while it latest.
SCULLY: While what lasted?
MULDER: Our family. You know the mom and dad thing with a kid. Only I never got to pork mom.... Oh well guess it was not meant to be just like the kid was not meant to be...
SCULLY: True... But who would do this....
MULDER: What create a life for alterior motives?
SCULLY: Yeah that.
MULDER: Clones. They do this all the time.
SCULLY: Did you catch the clone that did this?
MULDER: Nah... they got away. Erased all the evidence you know like normal.
SCULLY: Yeah I know. Gee some times I feel like we will never get to the truth we are always so close then bang! Gone without a trace. Only to re-appear then BAM! Gone without a trace.
MULDER: But I feel we are getting closer....
SCULLY: Wait there is a trace.
MULDER: Oh no Scully, you aren’t going to open that casket are you?
SCULLY: Mulder I work with dead people this is a piece of cake.
MULDER: I can’t look.

Mulder turns his head, Scully opens the coffin.

SCULLY: You can look you big baby she’s gone. Nothing but sand and my cross....
MULDER: Cool you got it back!
SCULLY: Yeah but where's Emily?
MULDER: Dunno, she is gone without a trace..... Anyway not our problem anymore. Come on lets go party it's like a New Year!

THE END