2/17/97
KADDISH
Kaddish a Review in Nothingness
by C.Schmidt ®
DISCLAIMER: The following is based on actually events. Although the original most of the major characters, a good chunk of the plot, the setting, and the time frame have all been changed to protect the innocent. As always I own nothing, Chris Carter, 1013 and FOX do. So if you don’t like this sue them not me!
Opening Scene --
Gloomy, funeral, Hebrew words we don’t understand and dirt. Then night time comes and so does crying, and rain and more dirt. Lots of dirt. Then a dirt monster is formed from love and dirt.....
Music, pictures, hands, spinning stuff commercial.
Mulder and Scully are sitting in the basement...
MULDER: OK, what now?
SCULLY: Well there have been some murders in New York I think we should look into.
MULDER: What they don’t have a police department in New York? And wait! I’m the Agent in Charge here! I say what cases we look into and which ones we don’t. Remember I’m the one with the desk. You got that corner over there.
SCULLY: Fine! I just thought maybe we could use this case as an excuse to go to the Big Apple, and well speaking solely for myself... I’d like to do some shopping.
MULDER: Shopping?!? Scully you have more clothes then the Denise Rodman has tattoos! Besides I thought you did all your shopping when we go into hiatus.
SCULLY: Can’t this time. I got plans! I was signed to some movies.
MULDER: You! Get out of here! I’m the only one on this show that gets movie deals...It's in my contract.
SCULLY: What... you have done one movie and you didn’t even do it right!
MULDER: Now what is that supposed to mean?
SCULLY: Mulder what are you doing during this years hiatus?
MULDER: Um..Re-shooting scenes from my movie.
SCULLY: I rest my case! Besides, I will be doing 2 movies in the course of a month! Then the X-Files movie then back here to do the show. Not to mention promoting my new CD and..
MULDER: New CD???? What??? You can’t sing!
SCULLY: Don’t matter. People will buy it, because I’m in it! That and it is that new techno dance stuff, one does not need to be able to sing. Ok now where was I on my list of things to cram in 2 months. Oh yeah. Let’s see 2 movies, promote my CD, do lots of interviews, get a divorce, appear on lots of covers of magazines, take care of Piper, sue all the tabloids, find a new boyfriend, beat Joan Rivers to a bloody pulp and yell at Chris till he uses My story idea. So has you can see that does not leave me with much time to shop! So come on lets get to New York. There is a 50% off sale at Bloomingdales and I need some new shirts especially the ones that show my cleavage!
MULDER: Cleavage?? Scully doesn’t have cleavage! Shouldn’t you be buying power suits?
SCULLY: Are you crazy Mulder! They don’t pay me enough to buy clothes for Scully. That and they would hate the stuff I would buy. Look if we go you can bring Blue and play Frisbee in Central Park, while I shop.
MULDER: Blue can come? Hmm...
SCULLY: And I’ll buy you some of those great bagles.
MULDER: Can we take in a Knicks game?
SCULLY: Sure fine what ever. But lets go! I don’t want to miss any of the sales!
MULDER: Ok, but what about this case?
SCULLY: This case is a joke! Soon as he get there we’ll interview some of the people then turn over to the local authorities. Piece of cake.
MULDER: And what makes you think we will be able to ditch this case so easy?
SCULLY: Because I did it before.
MULDER: Lair! Really? When?
SCULLY: When I was in Phili. You don’t think I was going to work on YOUR case while you were in Graceland looking for Elvis did you! Soon as I got there saw the first hunk of meat I ditched this case like Van Halen ditches lead singers. Now come on lets go!
Mulder and Scully arrive in New York and go to question the Yiddish family and ask if they can exhume the body. Then they pay a visit to the local Nazi/Copy store owner. He denies everything. Mulder and Scully leave. The owners boy was upstairs and heard the whole thing. The Nazi/Copy store owner tells junior to get is little nazi wanna be’s and go to the grave site and dig the body up. Junior listens and does as ordered. They dig and find the body, just like it is supposed to be. Dead and in the coffin. But they also meet up with the walking dirt monster. Mulder and Scully arrive...
MULDER: I thought you said this was going to be easy. Just go to New York, ask some questions then hand it over to the locals! But where are we now?
SCULLY: Well from the looks of it... I’d say a grave yard Mulder! Look I’m sorry! How the hell was I to know we would really have a monster to hunt down.
MULDER: Well thanks to your bone head idea I’m out 100 dollars and missing the Knicks/Bulls game!
SCULLY: Well you did get to play Frisbee in the park with Blue...
MULDER: Shut up Scully! Lets get this done maybe we can still make it to the game for the forth period.
SCULLY: Mulder! I will not go to a basketball game all covered in dirt. Hey what’s that next to the decomposed head of this desecrated grave?
MULDER: Um... Dunno. Pick it up Scully!
SCULLY: No way! Remember you are the agent in charge and the one with the desk you pick it up!
Mulder picks the book up and it explodes but is undamaged. They take to book to a Jewish expert. He tells them all kinds of things. Mulder and Scully go back and question the Ariel Luria. She tells them her family history. Later Mulder and Scully go to the Synagogue to question Ariel Luria’s father. The following him and end up finding another dead nazi. They haul Ariel Luria’s father in for questioning....
SCULLY: OK Mulder NOW is when we hand this case to the locals!
MULDER: Now Scully? Just when this is getting interesting? I don’t think so! Besides I already missed the game.
SCULLY: So I still haven’t done my shopping and the sales start NOW! So get the local high ranking NYPD person in here and hand this case over.
MULDER: No Way this is getting good I tell you!
SCULLY: Mulder this case is a bad mix between Yentel and Schnidler’s List. Now I have shopping to do. So will you please hurry this up!
MULDER: I’ll tell ya what. Go bring the girl what’s her name...
SCULLY: Ariel Luria.
MULDER: Yeah her, and bring me some of those bagles and I’ll try to get this case closed OK?
SCULLY: Sure fine what ever!
MULDER: And check on Blue while you are out running those errands.
Mulder questions the Rabbi some more. The Nazi/Copy store owner bits the dust (no pun intended). Mulder goes to seek more knowledge from the Keeper of all that is sacred, the Hebrew scholar in the library. Mulder then calls Scully and tells her to get her butt the Nazi’s copy store. Scully looks at the body Mulder goes into a small Mulderism. They put 2 + 2 together and make a bee line to Ariel Luria’s apartment. But she ain’t their. On a hunch they go to the Synagogue and pay dirt (no pun intended). They find Ariel Luria’s father hung up. Mulder and Scully save him. Mulder ditches Scully. Scully calls for help. Ariel Luria is crying Mulder comforts her. Then the dirt monster appears. Mulder shoots then gets kicked around. Ariel Luria calls the dirt monster, he comes she holds his hand and then conveniently wipes the correct letters off his hand and the dirt monster is turned into well dirt. Scully arrives.
SCULLY: You Ok, Mulder?
MULDER: Yeah. Did you see that Scully?
SCULLY: See what? You know I never see anything. I conveniently always arrive late or turn my head or something. So where’s the monster?
MULDER: Gone... turned back to dirt.
SCULLY: So we are done?
MULDER: Yeah I think so, why?
SCULLY: Good, because it’s midnight madness Macy’s and we have just enough time to get there before the doors open!
THE END
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