Talitha Cumi

7/29/97
SYZYGY
‘Syzygy’ An Episode in Nothingness....
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer/Warning: This review is intended for the adult viewing audience only. All children should be locked in their rooms for ever or until the Rug Rats are on. This review will contain bad spelling and grammar not to mention the writer is a nut so it will make no sense. As always The X-Files is property of FOX and Chris Carter. So send them your hate mail not me! The Author of this review reacts really bad to criticism.

Opening Scene -

The local teen population of some New Hampshire type small town are gathered for a wake of some type. The speaker talks of cults, and death. He walks off saddened. Two girls -blondes- follow and try to comfort him. Also mentionig they are scared of this cult thing as they hear the next victim is a blond virgin and they need the big young strong male to remedy that for them. So they drive off. They turn off into a secluded woodies section... Hey wait! This is the X-Files and sex is not allowed on this show! I am so confused. Oh wait it is now the next morning and there are cops and they find this young lad hanging from the cliff sort of dead. Next we see the two blondes but not virgins anymore at least we can assume it was just not shown, picking the pedals of a flower and saying "He loves me. He loves me not...."

Cue Music -
"When the moon is in the 7th hour, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Then peace will guide the planets and love will fill the dawn. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius." ‘Age Of Aquarius’
The Fifth Dimension

Mulder is driving and Scully says....

SCULLY: The map says turn right at the intersection.

MULDER: No the detective I chatted with said left at the stop signal. So we go left.

SCULLY: Mulder this is an intersection not a stop signal so turn right!

MULDER: No!

SCULLY: Yes or I will sing along with the radio again real loud too!

MULDER: Ok fine! We go right just please don’t sing!

Mulder turns right and a few seconds later we see the Taurus back track, wrong turn!

Next we are at the funeral for the young once horny lad that was found hung on a cliff. Mulder and Scully arrive. Dec. White gives the low-down on the deaths and cults. Mulder sniffs and Scully doubts Dec. White is a blond. Then some loon busts in... ranting and raving until the coffin is engulfed in flames.

Scully interviews one of the girls and Mulder interviews the other. Surprisingly the stories are the exact same.... Tales of dead babies, bond virgins, highschool cheerleader same best friends....

Later they listen to the tapes with Dec. White and Mulder apologizes for Scully’s ruddiness. Then they go look at the body, tensions mount as Dec. White and Mulder see the horned beast (in this case a goat), but Scully refuses to believe or see the thing. Mulder gets smart and the ever-awesome ever-cool one-liner is born.... "Sure Fine, Whatever..."

Mulder drops in on Dec. White and asks for help on the horny beast thing, which leads them to a psychic. The psychic explains the woes of being a modern star mapper- something about being a small business owner- and that she should have seen this coming but no money no predictions so Mulder and White leave....

Our two fav blond teen chicks are scooping the boys at basket ball practice and one is dumb to crash the table of Gatorade all over the two girls. They get even and the boy finds him self doing an imitation of the bug squash... only he is the bug and the squash is the row of bleachers that crush him.

Mulder and White are looking at the bleachers when Scully arrives...

SCULLY: What happened now?

WHITE: Another boy is dead.

MULDER: Yeah got crushed during a power short in those bleachers... wanna do the autopsy?

White is called away and Scully just stares all pissed and soaks in the surrounding chaos of the crime scene before blurting...

SCULLY: You weren’t in your hotel room... so where were ya?

MULDER: I was following a lead with Dec. White.

SCULLY: Where?

MULDER: Um....

SCULLY: What’s this? (Scully finds the card the psychic gave Mulder and reads it) Psychic's hot line?

MULDER: It was a lead and they are usually very accurate.

SCULLY: Look, we've been working together for what? Two years now... We have differing opinions, but I didn't expect you to ditch me.

MULDER: I didn’t ditch you!

SCULLY: Sure Fine what ever...

MULDER: Um.... Scully the line was just fine what ever no sure Geez! Don’t you read the scripts...

White rushes back and saves Mulder from the wrath of Scully as she is not in a nice mood and was getting ready to tear into him... Must be that time of the month. Anyway White tells of a mass crowd digging up the south end of town. They rush over there. Scully spews stuff about rumors and states they have never found any thing to support these deaths just as one of the diggers of other peoples yards screams "I found bones!" Mad dash to the bones and the rush for our fav alien hunting duo of who will slap the latex first.... It is the play by play from John Madden and Pat Summeral....

PAT: Well Scully had a bit of a lead as she was lined but closer to the line of scrimmage.

JOHN: Well this is where the extra height helps Mulder he has a longer stride and can over come the head start by his partner. And look there is goes he is cutting and weaving his way through the mad crazed crowd. Opps got blocked out of the sure path to beat Scully. This is where his weight lose in the off season has hurt Mulder I think he needs to eat more smoked turkey and that type of thing would never happen.

PAT: Maybe for Thanksgiving this year you should give him one of those famed Madden turkey legs...

JOHN: Nah... he is a wimp he let a girl beat him to the bones and this mistake will also cost him a spot on the All Madden team this year.

PAT: Well wait he is reaching in his pocket, there is still a chance he will get the glove out before Scully...

JOHN: Nope Scully may be shorter but this is where it is an advantage as her arms are closer to her body and the pocket.

PAT: And Scully beats Mulder for the race to slap on the latex. Let’s listen in on the after-math down on the field with FOX’s new latex-glove-cam......

We get a close up of the two contestants...

MULDER: Go ahead...

SCULLY: No you go ahead..

MULDER: No you.... I know how much you enjoy slapping on the latex....

Back to the booth with John and Pat...

PAT: Well folks there you have it. Scully wins the latex bowl ‘96

Scully slaps the latex and pulls the bag of bones, someone in the crowd yells, "Those are baby bones!" Mulder reads the initials on the bag, "RWG" and Dec. White identifies them as the doctors. They crowd now makes a bee line to the docs house and all ready for a lynching... They pound on his door and we see a panicked Dr. Godfrey in a woman’s robe running about the house.

Later White and Mulder are questing the good Doc who says the bag was his but he sold it to girl down the road a few years back. Just as White is ready to grill him Scully brusts in...

SCULLY: You can go doctor your story checks out ..... The bones are not of a baby but of Mr. Tippy....

Just then one of the blond evil teen girls comes in...

BLOND CHICK#1: Mr. Tippy.... My cat... I am so crushed...

MULDER: This may not be the perfect time to mention it but someone is wearing my favorite perfume....

SCULLY: Can I have a word with you?

Scully gives Mulder a real nasty look before leaving the room. Mulder knows he is in for a chewing out but follows anyway... Mulder sniffs Scully as she yells at him. Finally she lets her true colors out and is jealous of White. She informs Mulder she is leaving in the morning and stomps off.

The night of hell is upon us and nothing is as it appears and everyone is out of whack... Oh and the 2 blond teens from hell are celebrating their birthday...Brenda screams while the 2 teens chicks count to 13 bloody Mary’s...

Mean while back at the motel... Mulder tries to drown his sorrows of pissing Scully off with the trusty bottle of Vodka and orange juice concentrate while he watches The Key Stone Cops... Geez the motel sign said cable and all he gets is that show on all the channels. I’d demand my money back... In the other room we see Scully watching the same show and smoking!!!! Whoa and she is mumbling to herself while pacing back and forth puffing on a SLIM 100 menthol....

SCULLY: Dec. White could use our help... What a bitch... I hate her!

Back at Mulder’s room there is a knock at the door...

WHITE: Can I come in... (she barges in)

MULDER: What happened?

WHITE: I found that on my front door step...

Mulder opens the box and finds the tags for White’s cat and he gives her a hug while he sniffs her....

WHITE: Have you been drinking?

MULDER: Well yeah and that is weird cause I never drink...

WHITE: Where is the booze.....

MULDER: Over there... (White grabs the bottle and guzzles a chug)

WHITE: You know I don’t feel like going home mind if I sleep here?

White proceeds to take her clothes off then pushes poor Mulder to the bed and hops on top (must be one of those nudie movie star games). She plants a big wet smacker on his face and they are about to do something unheard of on the x-files... have sex.... But fear not Scully bursts in and informs them there as been another death. Scully goes out to the car and explains what happen in the latest death. Mulder really gets the conversation off to a winning start with....

MULDER: Let me drive...

SCULLY: I’m driving...

MULDER: Scully it’s not what you think...

SCULLY: What? It doesn’t matter I didn’t see anything anyway...

MULDER: Will you let me drive?

SCULLY: I'm...Why do you always have to drive? Is it because you're the guy - because you're the big macho man?!

MULDER: No, I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals.

Mulder makes White drive with the pissed off Scully... Meanwhile the 2 teens chicks from hell seek out the boyfriend of their latest victim. They make it very obvious that they want him. He gets pissed and leaves. Things move fast as there is the big confrontation scene with the 2 chicks and the boy. In the end the boy dies a sad death....

Mulder seeks out something of his own and ends up at the psychic lady’s house. After a quick credit check she gives him 300$ worth of psychic info..... Something about birthdays and planets Mulder figures it out... Meanwhile Scully and White drive fast until dead birds fall from the sky and a mob appears...

Mulder and Scully chat on the phone and try to one up each other... Seems they both have one of the girls.... They take them to the police station where like the meeting of matter and anti matter they colloid and send everything into a frenzy... guns fire computers blow up dogs and cats living together mass distruction you name it it happens. Then Mulder looks at the clock. Both he and Scully grab the girls and lock them in a closet... the room shakes and the planets get re-aligned. The girls are back to their normal wimp crying selves and haven’t a clue what’s up. Most of the town is back to normal. Mulder and Scully are in a rush to leave. So much so Scully gets to drive! She floors it and they bolt!

MULDER: You just ran a stop light Scully.

SCULLY: Shut up Mulder! I’m driving!

MULDER: Sure fine what ever...

Scully cranks the tunes as to not hear Mulder critic her driving and they whisk off in to the sunset very fast to the tune of... "And I forget just why I taste. Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile. I found it hard, it was hard to find. Oh well, whatever, never mind.."
‘Teen Spirit’
Nirvana

THE END