SCULLY: Hands in the air you scum bag! I've got a really cool gun and ma just dying to use it!
MULDER: RATBOY!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCULLY: Now how the hell did you get out of that silo Ratboy!
KRYCEK: Nice to see you too Mulder, Scully. And Scully you look hot in the full combat gear! CC should have you wear that stuff more often. And you look taller.
MULDER: This bites! It is not in my contract that I have to stay in a shit hole like this! Scully never has to do these stuff! I'm gonna get my agent to include this in my next contract no being shoved in prisons! And that means I'm also going to miss getting my copy of the up coming FHM mag!!!!!!
KRYCEK: Yeah how come she never has to do this stuff! You are right it is not fair! FHM?? Really cool, I'll have to reserve myself a copy of that too. Oh did you see her on the cover of Esquire, she was hot!!! I like Scully, she is the only one that hasn't kick the crap out of me since I got back.
1: Does Mulder , wait how will Mulder get his butt out of this jam
2: Will Scully ever finish her testimony before the Senate.
3: Well Mulder and Ratboy get their copies of FHM
4: What will Pentrell and Scully find in the rock from Mars
5: How did Scullya nd Pendrell know this rock was from Mars
6: Will the blond snitch be Mulder's squeeze and what will Scully's reaction be.
7: Will Scully get a raise
8: Oh yeah how does all this tie in to the grand scheme of x-files arc stories.
9: Will the writers follow time lines this time or make it up as they go.
10: Who will be the next Space and Beyond cross over guest star.
11: Will we get some clones in the second part
12: Where is that intimate scene we were promised!
And now the conclusion..... But first ....
Cue Theme Music and mega bucks adds.....
Meanwhile back at the Russian Gulag, Mulder is laying on the floor....
MULDER: This bites! I don't remember seeing in my contract anything about being forced to sleep on a cold prison cell floor. I wan to speak to my agent!
PRISONER NEXT DOOR:It won't do you any good... I have been trying to get through to mine too but he won't return my calls.
MULDER: Yeah, how long have you been here?
PND:Since I grew up and was no longer able to be cast as the young cute child actor. My agent doesn't want to hear anything about how I might be able to up start my career. I tried to explain the Billy Mummy fad. But it fell upon deaf hears.
MULDER:Oh yeah I remember him... "Danger Will Robinson, Danger." ain’t he on Babylon 5 now.
PND: Yes he is and his career is now thriving just like Flounder from Animal House and the not Tony Danza actor form Taxi.
MULDER: Hey, have to seen the guy that was with me, Ratboy?
PND: No the last time I saw him was before they took you to the chicken-wire room.
MULDER: Yeah I need to bring that up to with my agent. I tried explaining that I already had my small box shot but it fell on deaf hears. CC is not going to hear the end of this. I bet Scully is sitting nice and pretty drinking coffee and eating donuts in that Senate hearing while I'm stuck here with an out of work child star and roach soup.
PND: Here take this.
MULDER : What is it?
PND: It's a knife I made out of shrapnel I found laying around my cell and the name of my agent. If you make it out of here call him and tell him he is fired.
MULDER. Ok and thanks.
CHRIS:They all are at the line and Mulder takes off. And jukes his way to the out side where he breaks a few open field tackles and Whoa! Did you see that shoulder he gave Ratboy as he jumps in to the truck and drives off?
JOE: Yes I did Chris. You know Mulder really impressed me with his turning to work the middle but then seeing that there were no holes he was quickly able to bounce it out side and make a huge gain.
CHRIS: And did you see the shoulder he gave Ratboy?
JOE: Yes I did. It is going to be pretty hard for the guards to regroup and find a away to shut Mulder down at this point.
CHRIS: Much agreed Mulder seems to be following his game plan very well. And he will have to considering that he is Scullyless here and will have to depend on himself to get out of this one.
Meanwhile we find out that the cold war is not over, see more people die, and a nice chat with WMM and CSM over who has been sleeping with who..... And Scully is right where we left her.... Testifing in Congess...
SCULLY: And with the destruction on the Death Star, the rebel alliance is able to continue it's fight against the empire.
FAMOUS LOOKING WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS DUDE FROM SENATOR STAND IN GUY: So what happened to Darth Vader?
SCULLY: I'm not at liberty to say besides that is a different movie and a different story.
FLWHWSTDFSSING: You can't leave us hanging like that Agent Scully!
SCULLY: Yes I can and just did!
FLWHWSTDFSSING: Very well we have a few questions and then you may leave after we get our answers. What is the meaning of ' E Pu Si Mouve?'
SCULLY: It's CC idea of a sick joke. It is Italian for "And yet it moves" which was attributed to Galileo after being forced to testify before the Inquisition that the earth stands still. And boy can I feel Galileo's pain!
FLWHWSTDFSSING: Are you comparing this hearing to the Spanish Inquisition Agent Scully?
SCULLY: Well if the shoe fits....
FLWHWSTDFSSING: Not funny Agent Scully, now if you would please tell us where Agent Mulder is?
SCULLY: I can't do that sir! Useless trivia facts that now one cares about is no problem but disclosing the where a bouts of Mulder nope! My lips are sealed.
FLWHWSTDFSSING: Very well them guard book her and hold her in contempt of Congress.
SCULLY: This bites! I need to re-do that contract. I hate cells they put a damper on my up and coming acting career.
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus...."
MICHEAL-WHATS-HIS-FACE CEO OF DISNEY PERSON:Agent Scully you reverse the ban on Fl now!
SCULLY: No way!
MICHAEL: Do you realize how much money we stand to lose with the bio-hazard quarantine? And it is Christmas season all the kids around the world will be heart broken without their fav mouse to lead the holiday cheer.
SCULLY: Like I care! I have no kids don't want no kids! Didn't see the ep 'Home" where I refused Mulder's offer of his sperm? Let the kids suffer! Besides I have proof that the government as been covering up all the mass small pox experiments you and your company have been performing on the tourist that visit your theme parks!
MICHAEL: We have permission from the government for that thank you very much. Besides we do think of the tourist when subjecting them to the often fatal and dis-forming experiments. We slowly brainwashed them with the song 'It's a Small World' pump them full of low doses of radiation in all the soybean over priced hamburgers we force down there throats, then when they least except it, on the mad tea cup ride while their heads are still spinning we eject them with the 'Black Cancer' just like WMM and CSM told us years ago when they found out how we really got Micky's ears so big and they were threatening to expose us. But life long passes to the Magic Kingdom and the promise to help further the 'Project' protects us from all liability and prosecution in the event deaths occur.
SCULLY: Ahhhh... SO that is how Mickey’s ears got big. But the ban stays!
MICHAEL: Look it is not our fault that dumb Fox Network sent you on a tour of the south pacific, when you know and I know that the role of Anita in 101 Dalmatians was just waiting for you.
SCULLY: Yeah yeah, blame it on Fox! I'm not buying it! The bio-hazard quarantine stays and I'm out of here. I need to wrap this thing up so I can go and film my guest stop on Leno. I ain't canceling this one not this time!
So moving setting locations to North Dakota or Vancouver depending your point of view, we see Mulder doing his imitation of Jeb Clampet and digging for a rock and oil, Black gold, Texas Tea and a bomb. Of course oil and bombs don't mix and Mulder is forced to leave the rock and makes a mad dash has the bomb explodes and Mulder gets slimed yet again.
Scully in the meantime is standign far far away in an oil refinery and watches with relief at the explosion gladly for going to the scene with Mulder and oil that her complaining to CC got her out of. When the KGB guy comes behind takes her gun but doesn't shoot...
KGB GUY: I could kill you but won't. My work is done, the rock is forever gone and I'm retired!
SCULLY: Why spare me sir?
KGB GUY: Well Miss even though I live in Russia I too get a subscription to FHM and have been looking forward to next months edition, so ta ta for now.
FLWHWSTDFSSING:So why are we here? You have no evidence.
SCULLY: Well sir I have documented proof that I would...
FLWHWSTDFSSING: No one cares about documents no one reads that stuff any more! You have no rock no witnesses....
SCULLY: I'm a witness to these events sir.
FLWHWSTDFSSING: You? You were cast as the skeptic and are never there when the UFOs land or are always looking the other way...
SCULLY: Not true! I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE! Mulder I BELIEVE now!
MULDER: Sit down Scully this is a Senate hearing not the 700 club, let me handle this.
1. Boring the Senators to death that they closed the investigations and ended the hearings, and
2. Scully was drawn back into reality by the over blown and rightness of the alien Muldersim she returned to her normal Missouri state motto "Show Me" self and is the skeptic we all love to hate to love.
And the final scene..... A one armed Russian speaking Ratboy is having tea with the KGB.... He's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack Ratboy is still with us....... stay tuned for scenes of next weeks repeat ep where we see David Grohl make a cameo......
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