The Unbearable Experiments
- #10 The Killer Shrews: Thank god for booze, without it the cast of this movie would have nothing to do. When the wet bar runs dry they decide they better flee the island full of carpet coated dogs...err I mean shrews. Where was the humane society when this movie being made...not so much for the dogs, but the audiance. A great "Juinor Rodeo Daredevils" short keeps this movie from moveing down the list.
- #9 The Being From Another Planet: Some sort of Mummy Alien goes on a killing spree when someone steals his little crystals. Don't ask. I really liked how the Hexfield HoloClowns from one segment end up in the next show (Attack of the Giant Leeches), and one ask Gypsy if she wants a salted nut roll... funny in a disturbing kind of way.
- #8 The Unearthly: When Tor Johnson says "Time for go to bed" he means it, this movie is sure to put you to sleep. You would'nt want to sleep through the shocking ending though, so I'll give it away, The cast of 'Quest for Fire' is hideing down in the basement, I'm not sure why, I suspect the writer just could'nt come up with a ending... not that he came up with much of a begining or middle.
- #7 Eegah: When a big stupid caveman is the most likeable character in a movie, you know you've got problems. Well he's not very likeable, he's just not hateable. Parts of this movie make me physically ill.
- #6 First Spaceship on Venus: There was some little R2D2-looking robot in this movie that just got on my nerves. Who would want to go to Venus anyway? I'd think it'd be nothing but boutiques, candleshops, and hair/nail salons.
- #5 The Lost Continent: Yep, rock climbing, in all it's black and white glory. There are many good jokes in this show, but right now all I can think of is rock climbing.
- #4-3 Fugitive Alien and Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2: Kennys of the world unite, if you watch South Park I bet you can't help but cheer when Kenny dies after watching these movies. I think these movies are an amalgam of like twenty diffrent tv shows, or something, all of them bad. One of them alomst killed Tom Servo, what more can I say. Oh, if I ever meet Sandy Frank I'd "Try to kill him with a forklift". Well no I would'nt, but I'd drive it where the sun don't shine.
- #2 Manos: The Hands of Fate: The Turgid Tale of Turgid Torgo. Manos is very popular with many Msties, I'm not one of them, then again I don't like getting my teeth pulled either.
- #1 The Castle of Fu Manchu: If Manos is like pulling teeth, Fu Manchu is the same, but you don't get any anestesia. Clearly TLC stole the idea for their 'Operation' show from the open heart surgery that takes place in a incredibly dragged out portion of this film. At least Manos has Torgo, Fu Manchu has...umm...commercials. The Flying toasters from that screen saver have a better rudimentry intrest level and plot then this movie. If you were drunk with a group of friends this one might be watchable (it might reduce you to tears too), unfortunetly I don't drink and my friends don't like the show.
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The Best Shorts
- #10 Hired! (Parts 1 and 2): I guess men in their fourties liveing with their parents was more common in the fifties... or more common among car salesman, I'll have to look into that. Lately whenever I find myself lacking for good advice, or just something to say, I put a handkerchief on my head, and while this does'nt solve the problem, people tend to stop wanting to talk to me or my advice. (appeared in episodes #423: Bride of the Monster, #424: Manos: the Hands of Fate)
- #9 Posture Pals/Appreciating our Parents: I think Posture Pals would have fit in nicely on a morning cartoon show, like the Justice League, replace the power twins with the posture pals. If nothing else, Posture Pals proves school is nothing more then a popularity contest. I appreciate my parents, and find it silly that anyone would need to be told to. Tommy goes way beyond appreciateing though and dangerously in the realm of becomeing his parents, in a wierd Oedipus kind of way. And he really should buy Porky some pants. (appeared in episode #320: The Unearthly)
- #8 Here Comes the Circus: An incredibly dark look at the circus. Emmit Kelly appears and eats a lot. Other clowns preform a bizare recreation of Mike Tyson's last meeting with Don King. Then there is the disturbing portion of the circus where clowns preform some strange Clown S&M. It's truely like stareing into the abyss, and seeing it stare back. (appeared in episode #422: The Day the Earth Froze)
- #7 Alphabet Antics: Straight from the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide "Animals are abused, children tortured and humiliated, foreign countries are insulted, all in the name of fun and learning." (appeared in episode #307: Daddy-O)
- #6 Johnny at the Fair: Johnny runs wild at the Canadian National Exposition, but luckily he is cagged and tagged before he can start a little 'Lord of the Flies' tribe. Sometimes I like to think that maybe Canada and the U.S. really are'nt that different, then I think of Johnny and how Canada practically hails him as a national hero for running away from his parents and makeing them worry half-to-death, and then I wonder who slipped something in my coffee. (appeared in episode #419: The Rebel Set)
- #5 Juinor Rodeo Daredevils: Old-timer Billy Slater seems to get a real kick out of jouvaniles maimed and injured by bulls and broncos, so when he gets Jim Henson's Last Picture Show Babies to put on a juinor rodeo look out! For getting thrown off a rampangeing horse and almost trampled, competators get cheesy little trophies. I guess it is a myth that the survivors are the lucky ones. (appeared in episode #407: The Killer Shrews)
- #4 X Marks the Spot: A reckless driver dies, and then goes before some god-like judge to find out what should be done with him. His guardian angel (who looks like he tried to stop the accident with his face) tries to defend him and then for some reason cuts and runs near the end of the trial. Although the guy drove drunk and was more reckless then Kelsey Grahmer, the point of the short seemed to be that as long as you did'nt hit and run, and to got your car checked out regularly God does'nt really care how you drive. (appeared in episode #210: King Dinosaur)
- #3 Speech: Using Your Voice: Do you find me pleaseing? When someone who looks like your Grandfather starts talking about plenty of lip and tounge action just hope your watching this short, if not run away! (appeared in episode #313: Earth Vs. The Spider)
- #2 Aquatic Wizards/Catching Trouble: More fun then Emo Phillips in a dress. Aquatic Wizards blends the pagentry of women dressed like flamingos and water-skiing. Unfortunetly in water-skiing there are apperantly no trees to smack into. In Catching Trouble Ross Allen torments many a poor Everglades creature, then takes them to the zoo when he grows tired of rapeing and pillageing the enviroment. I like to think Ross was eaten by a alligator on a later trip. (appeared in episode #315: Teenage Caveman)
- #1 Mr. B. Natural: The instrument manufactureing giant Conn peddles their wares with a very female Mr. B. pranceing about confuseing many a prepubesent boy. Young Buzz succombs to peer presure and falls for Mr. B, selling his soul to the company store for a shiny new instrument that will probably end up tossed in the closet when Buzz tires of it. Plenty of lip and tounge action indeed. As Kevin Murphy eloqently phrases in the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: "A boy with great legs and boobs is just plain wrong" (appeared in episode #319: War of the Colossal Beast)
Best Guest Apperances, Quotes, and Inventions coming soon.
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