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“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man tries to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, the unreasonable man is the source of all progress in the world.” – George Bernard Shaw |
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“Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” – James 1:23-24 |
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“To be Christian is far from quiet
conformity. On the contrary, it is
Christ’s example as the unreasonable man which shows us how we are
undertaking the daunting task of changing the world, one soul at a time.” – |
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May Untitled Short-Story in Progress Mark – A short story put on hold until inspiration hits. Poetry (coming soon) About the Writer (coming soon) |
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General Blah Midweek
was today (or rather yesterday). It
was announced that the new church website is up (www.saltlakechurch.org). I’ve created an account and have posted two
messages already. I’m excited. I had the idea of putting up a discussion
forum for the church months ago but didn’t have a well formulated enough plan
to approach Greg with. Now it’s been
done without my input and now that I know it’s up and that everyone else
knows, I’m determined to let the discussions commence. For some reason, typing and writing has
always helped me to get my ideas down and message boards have become my
favored method of discussion. Www.neozones.com has a philosophy board
I’ve been posting a lot on. There’s a
new player on the board known as Kyroshimirato. He seems
interesting and posted a question which had sparked in my brain a while back
concerning what the church immediately following Christ’s Death/Resurrection
would have been like – the Things concerning the new house are continuing to be complex. My father would greatly prefer moving into the new (old) Victorian era house, yet while he maintains he could get Mom to move I remain skeptical. I, however, am wishing very much for them to move to the Victorian era house for it may solve a few kinks. Not everyone was really happy with the Victorian era house. Everyone seemed to enjoy very much the house I sit in now. It has one more room than the other, it’s less fragile, and the rent would be lower. I pray for *something* to happen. It’s getting to be very close. The guys need to move out this month. Whether we move into the Victorian Era house or the Tudor house it needs to be done soon. *sigh* It hinges on my Mother’s unpredictable moods. Hmmm….School begins in just a few more days… - |
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Come What May O’ Disciple Love Medley; I Love You, You’re Perfect, I’ll Change. (beware, each paragraph is a shard of a thought in this mosaic of James-thought) It seems that in every dark chapter of my life I must cling to art. And now I look through that art and see how much of that has always clung to God. Art is what connects the deeper parts of me to the world. It is how I express myself and now I see how much it has played a part in my search for God and how I remain connected. The past few days have been incredibly joyous…yet certain events have triggered a splitting of my emotions. One follows the joyous love that is clearly in the air – Birthdays (both mine and Matt’s), Baptisms (Jen yesterday, and Jodie tomorrow); The other part of me, stirred by certain events that are not mine to share with the public, has slid down into the depths of a depressing state that confuses me for it too is bound in love…yet it is so painful, sorrowful, and futile. My mind, at times, feels as though it’s been wrenched apart and scattered into the storm of life’s happenings. My heart, I already know, has been pulled and stretched out in so many directions, yet it is my own doing for I have learned that the burdens of my heart are lifted if I let them (or should I say “if I let Him”?). My mind, on the other hand…yes I see that it is my own doing but where I have found the security of love – especially His love – for when my heart falters under such strain, I have not found that for my mind. I am not used to having the need to save myself from my own mind’s failings. I have had at least seven years of practice at building mental defenses (those of you who comment on my degree of self-discipline as such a young disciple -- it’s been because of seven years’ practice). Those defenses, however, are not perfect and have failed even just a few weeks ago and ever since that last failure I’ve been trying to figure out why. Why, after so many months, did I fail in the area of purity? I’ve been piecing together the clues and I think I now have almost the entire answer…and last night I realized that it deals with a lot more than purity. My mental defenses cover many things – depression, anger, lust, pride, jealousy, selfish ambition, etc… things that seem to surprise people to even think that these things have had such a hold on me – things that if I hadn’t learned to transform into more harmonious traits would show how hideous the darker side of me is. Yesterday, my mental defenses were breaking down; fortunately it was breaking down at just the right speed that I noticed it and was able to stop it, although mentally it was exhausting, *looks up* but I’d say I had some good help (thanks). Early in the day, anger had seeped its way through and I could feel that fire stirring within to the point that if I weren’t watching I would have been in a vicious argument with my mother. I’m thankful for that, because it made me wary of anything else seeping through – which did. Depression despite all the joy surrounding me somehow swept its way in. It was like an undercurrent flowing in the opposite direction as the surface. I kept myself afloat until I finally had some very quiet alone time driving all the way out to Ogden….missing whatever turn I was supposed to take…driving over halfway through Ogden, turning around and driving home…mostly in silence. I needed those voices…not real voices…more like a mental version of musical voices (the way you call woodwinds “voices”) to silence. Then the songs came. Songs of love. Songs of love which helped me process through the sad yet loving memories that haunted me (even after the talks I had had with others about them). They were songs of love that slowly turned towards God – plowing through the worldly sorrow. And so I saw what had weakened my mind – stress. It sounds so…small, but yup – stress. Then again, stress is a complicated matter. Stress comes from both good and bad things. I’ve also been loosing a lot of sleep. Combine all the good things happening, the few bad things that led me back to memories of bad things still not quite resolved, and the loss of sleep…and you get one stressed out James who’s mind can’t quite handle the pressures he puts on it anymore and starts to give up. But no. My heart persevered. I heard the voices of good friends in my mind’s ear giving me advice, giving me encouragement, showing me love. I was shown how even as I was physically alone I was not alone in other ways and how as I have been an anchor for others they have become anchors for me. Wait, no, more than anchors. They are rungs a ladder, handholds in a climbing wall, war hammers, walking staffs, shields, voices, faces, and so many other things. *looks around* and yeah He was there to give me both challenge and answer. *smile* The men in the church are hanging out right now. Or maybe they’re done. *shrug* They’re probably done mock-killing each other with balls of paint shot out of guns but maybe they’re still hanging out. They probably called me but Cricket Communications doesn’t like my neighborhood anymore, it seems, so I’ll probably get their message sometime way too late. As much as fellowship is a fantastic thing…sometimes a guy needs to be alone to come back to a nice neutral state and breathe. *laughs* but as I just said, I’m never truly alone. They’ll pick on me for not joining them in paintball. I’ll give them a simple reply like “I’ve been loosing a lot of sleep and really needed the rest.” Or “I really didn’t feel like going.” “You would’ve just killed me anyway; my right knee and left quads are still hurting.” “I needed some alone time – quiet time.” All of them true…but I don’t think I’d be able to explain to them fully what happened. At least not today. *smiles* Mike, you’re probably going to read this at some time (sorry for soaking up so much of your time with such a giant journal entry) and I’ll explain it all to David sometime later when I can explain it in a more concise manner. All of this is just a giant reflection as part of the way I stabilize myself. Like I said – in every dark chapter of my life I cling to art. I am listening to music, I am writing. I am thinking of how every day shows God’s miracles. -James |
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Instant Message wdlordofUT: just. i didn't want to think no more Debanen: Why does everyone not want to think? wdlordofUT: i don't cause i have to much on my mind
already Debanen: I hear that line at least once a week. Debanen: Like I don't have much on my mind? Debanen: I have two friends who are in emotional turmoil
over each other. Debanen: I'm supposed to be moving in the next week and
I'm not even sure compoletly where I'm moving. Debanen: Or how much my friends will have to pay Debanen: and if things go absolutely wrong Debanen: they'll be homeless. Debanen: Because they've already given their 30 days
notice to their landlady wdlordofUT: well, you know the situition that you were
makin' me think about. not me. not much thikin' for you. Debanen: and those 30 days end in less than 2 weeks Debanen: My mother's yelling every day again (…) Debanen: It's not like I'm all la di da di da like
everyone thinks I am. Debanen: I laugh, I talk, I make jokes, I make good
conversation, and then no one knows that there's so much going on in my life
that I really should be depressed. Debanen: But I keep that smile because some part of me
desperately needs it Debanen: because the other part of me is constantly crying
inside Debanen: Hiding away in some corner while I try to figure
things out Debanen: Or just plainly let go. Debanen: All the while pondering over whether or not I'm
actually insane. Debanen: Having inherited it from my mother's side of the
family Debanen: Oh, and then of course there's constantly living
up to the expectations of my parents. Debanen: And constantly failing Debanen: even though it seems like I've made some sort of
triumph by going into something I really enjoy: Modern Dance Debanen: I live every day with the feeling of failure for
I didn't choose Medicine like all my other siblings have. Debanen: or skipped grades like they did Debanen: So La Di Da Di Da Debanen: voila (…) Debanen: What frustrates me is that I can still live my
life. I have all this going on and I
pursue my life. I'm trying to make something of myself and do good in this
world despite what terrible things the world throws at me and what terrible
thigns I throw at myself. And when
people dwell over such relatively insignificant things and don't give people
a chance to show that they're sorry or that they've changed is
so....idiotic. Debanen: They stop living their lives. Debanen: and just dwell on things they can't change and
refuse to let things that can change to change. Debanen: The things that are on my mind are things I can't
change, so I move on with my life having learned whatever lessons I have
learned and make the best of life. Debanen: And the part of me that appears happy to everyone
else is a true happiness because of that.
It's a hapiness that comes from living life and doing good things. Debanen: It binds me together and lets whatever depression
that's inside of me be set aside because it doesn't really matter. Debanen: Now why other people don't do that...I don't
know. Debanen: And it pains me to see someone I love to be going
through such needless pain. wdlordofUT: b/c others aren't as smart as you wdlordofUT: or strong as you I was brought to the edge of tears. Tears of Sadness? No, not quite. Are there Tears of Irony? I certainly don’t feel very smart or very strong? Am I? I keep thinking over how we are supposed to all be endowed with different gifts. What are mine? Supposedly I’m good to talk to. It’s not like I do anything special. Am I strong? It’s not like I’m the only one who goes through tough stuff in his life. When I look around, just about all of my good friends have gone through really tough stuff. Often it comes to the point of seeming to greatly overshadow whatever problems I’ve faced. Perhaps the difference is that I refuse to stop living. Even when I was a withdrawn shell I continued to move forward. I’ve never been content being still in life. How can people dare hold even a part of themselves still by holding onto some silly thing from the past? It’s one thing to have an anchor, it’s another to be shackled. Wake Up - |
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