THE ANNIVERSARY WALTZ
PART TWO
Kathryn twirled in front of the long mirror. The dress swished around her ankles. It was white chiffon in four layers, with one layer of dynasty satin underneath to secure a fullness of the skirt. The bodice with two thin straps fitted snugly. She reached to touch the white choker adorned with diamanté and little drops of shiny pearls hanging from its lower edge, tapering to a point above the valley of the bodice cups. She was pleased with the results. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she pictured the earrings that would complete the costume jewellery.
"It is beautiful, even if I say so myself," Raoul gushed. He shaped his fingers as if he placed Kathryn in a frame and surveyed the picture.
"You may say so," Kathryn replied, curtsying before him.
"Now, if you're going to wear white, I suggest a white orchid for your hair - "
"Orchid?"
"Not artificial. A fresh one, Catherine," Raoul said firmly, crossing his arms, with his fingers touching his chin in a reflective gesture. "Hmmm...not bad...fresh orchid. I didn't think of that..."
Kathryn marveled at the way Raoul could always say her name and give it such a feminine inflection, much softer than what Kathryn suggested. A fresh orchid seemed to her like an extravagance.
"It will wilt and die before the night is over, Raoul," she said on a sober note.
"Ah, but your partner will remember it forever, Catherine."
"What would I do without you, Raoul?" Kathryn asked, ignoring his words as she prepared to dive in behind the partition and remove the dress.
"Replicate a dress, heaven forbid?" Raoul mimicked a spit of disgust as he said 'replicate'. He ducked as Kathryn pitched right back again and punched his arm playfully.
"You should know. It's never the same. I've done enough of that on Voyager, but here... I just love the idea of ordering someone to design me a garment."
"Not just anyone! Me! Me!" Raoul agonised theatrically, throwing his hands up. "I love you, Catherine! Isn't she lovely?" He had planted himself in front of his window, telling some unknown individual on the sidewalk below of his happy client. She knew he was just teasing, sarcasm not suiting Raoul's persona. For that his ego was too great.
"Raoul!" Kathryn laughed. "I'm serious! I love this dress; I love the feel of chiffons and satins and the drape of the garment about my ankles. Just imagine how beautiful it will look when I do a fall-away in the waltz..." On an impulse Kathryn stretched her arms and performed a dance movement.
"Do not mock me, Catherine! Do you know how many hours went into that...creation you're wearing? And - and the diamanté will be hand-sewn on... You have no idea! Mon Dieu!"
"Oh, Raoul," Kathryn placated, stepping up to him and placing her hands against his chest, "I do appreciate what you're doing for me." Then Kathryn, who fitted just under the shoulder of the rangy designer, stood on tiptoe and kissed him.
Raoul's eyes widened, his hands flew to his cheek, and a blush crept into same cheeks. Then he walked to the window he just left, repeating over and over, "Oh, Oh! She kissed me... She kissed me! Hey you, down there! My beautiful princess kissed me!"
By the time Raoul recovered from his surprise and gushing and turned away from the window at last, Kathryn had removed the dress carefully and was back in her uniform. She had made the quick trip from Headquarters to Paris to do a fitting. Raoul would probably insist that the dress needed some tweaking here and a tug there, although she thought it was perfect. She did like the idea of a fresh orchid in her hair and she was certain Raoul would see to it that it stayed fresh for at least a night. Smoothing down her jacket, she looked at him.
"I have to get going again. The anniversary is only a fortnight from now, but I'll not be able to dip to Paris again after I've collected the dress."
"That is excellent, Princess. I promise you your man will be utterly speechless and he shall remain speechless for the whole dance and when he has found his voice again, it will only be to say 'Such beauty has rarely been seen on Earth. Only angels could look like you look tonight, my love...'"
"Raoul! Now, I've really got to go. See you next week - "
"And Kathryn, the next dress I design for you...why it will surpass even this one," Raoul promised.
"I'm not listening, Raoul..." Kathryn responded as she turned to the door and opened it.
"It will be your wedding dress!"
"Never!"
Kathryn was in the corridor when she could still hear the eccentric designer's voice.
"You have no idea how short never is..."
*******************
Back in the shuttle, Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief as she entered the coordinates for San Francisco. She slumped against the chair and closed her eyes, allowing the emotions she had battled to keep under control to wash over her. All Raoul could see was his favourite client ordering a new creation. Kathryn thought how self-absorbed he was not to notice that she was troubled.
"No more..." she whispered into the silence of the shuttle as it took off gently at slow impulse. "No more... This is this last year..."
Soon after they were whisked into the Delta Quadrant, they needed all sorts of distractions after emerging from their mourning, and they found celebrating even the smallest event a solace, reveling in the fact that they were one family. A year after Chakotay crashed the Liberty into the Kazon vessel and they joined the two crews - Maquis and Starfleet - into a Voyager crrew, Neelix had come up with the idea of a celebration for that too. Tom Paris had been at the forefront of organising the festivities, coming up with the idea that the command team should open proceedings with a waltz. Kathryn gave an inward smile. The music for the waltz that first time had been a song Tom called "I went to your wedding".
She thought of the white dress Raoul made, so simple and yet so incredibly elegant. It would be the first year she'd be wearing white for the anniversary waltz. All the other occasions - seven on Voyager and two in the Alpha Quadrant, she had worn other colours and designs, mostly in the soft shades. She loved the pastels and knew that especially for ball gowns, she looked good in it.
Last year... Her heart gave a lurch and she clutched at her breast, allowing the painful beating to subside before breathing normally again. Last year she had seen Annika's eyes never leaving them as they moved around the floor, with the Voyager crew looking on. She felt everyone's eyes on them, but Annika Hansen's eyes bore into her. She had felt it as a tangible stab. Once, a fleeting moment only, she had turned her head away as they moved into a picture step, and saw how Seven of Nine's eyes closed.
"You still move as lightly as ever, Kathryn," Chakotay had whispered.
"Thank you," she replied, feeling inordinately overjoyed at his words. Then she had lost herself in the feeling of being held in his arms, the one and only time in the year she could dream that Chakotay belonged to her. It was a few precious minutes in which they moved as one, and in which she felt so connected to him that she wished the moments could last forever. She inhaled his cologne, the smell that was always Chakotay, one she had inhaled so many times when they had been lost together in a lonely quadrant and searching together for a way home. Then they had touched often, light teasing gestures that meant nothing...and everything...
"And you smell good..." he replied. She thought he needed to say something, a compliment, luxurious moment in which there were no attachments.
"Chakotay..." she said on a warning note, not wanting to lose the connection or wanting him to spoil the moment. "You're not mine...I'm not yours..." she whispered, smiling as he moved into a promenade position to the fall away step. "This is only a dance, remember?"
"God, Kathryn...I wish - "
"Don't..."
"Kathryn..." it was a groan that escaped from him, one slip of concentration and they missed a step from which both recovered instantly so that few noticed the error. She wanted to press closer to him, wanted the dance to last forever, wanted to feel him in her arms and imagine that there was no Annika Hansen, no wedding she herself had presided over.... She wanted to feel all the old parameters she had damned on them both, evaporate, and then melt into him. The boundaries had vanished, a long time ago...
"Please. Let's finish this and let me enjoy the dance tonight..."
Chakotay had given a deep sigh, looked dashing as he graced her with a dimpled smile. Her heart had almost stopped, and then, on a light sigh, she had given herself over to his nearness and completing the perfection of their waltz. The applause when they finished rang dimly in her ears as she made her way to her table and joined her companion. She hadn't dared to look at Chakotay again, but knew that he had quickly moved to stand next to Annika Hansen. Her companion remarked that Chakotay had kept staring at Kathryn, but Kathryn had dismissed his words, telling him that he must be imagining it.
"No, you don't understand, Kathryn. Chakotay can't keep his eyes off you and it's very noticeable. Everyone's looking at him and at you. That poor woman by his side... She looks lost, Kathryn."
Kathryn had wanted to tell Andrew Ellerman that Chakotay had made his bed, that he had to live with a decision he made in the last few weeks on Voyager, just before they returned to the Alpha Quadrant. She had wanted to tell Andrew that she had been unaware of his new attachment and had dismissed the admiral's words with the supreme disdain that Chakotay belonged to her and no one else; he could not possibly be engaging in a liaison with anyone he didn't love... He was supposed to be waiting for the Captain of Voyager to say the words... How could she tell Andrew that it was not Chakotay's fault, and that she was the one who had so little faith in believing in him and placing her trust implicitly in him?
Kathryn opened her eyes in the shuttle, surprised to find the bulkheads blurring. Touching her face, she realised that she must have been crying, although she was unaware of it.
"Wrong, Andrew," she whispered. "I was the one who threw away chances... I was the one who gambled with happiness...and lost. And last year... Oh, God..."
She kept her eyes on the controls, realised she was almost in San Francisco, then prepared to land near the shuttle landing pads at Headquarters. Half an hour later she was back in her apartment after popping in at her office and checking with her aide for any new appointments.
******************
Why was she so melancholy? she thought as she made herself comfortable on her couch after she'd showered. On her lap she opened the photo album slowly, resting her eyes on the first photo. The years fell away as her eyes became tender at the memory.
"Captain," Mariah Henley said a little shyly as she stood just outside Kathryn's quarters after the doors opened, "I wanted to give you this..."
"Please do come in," she invited and Mariah smiled this time, holding the package close to her bosom.
Kathryn sighed as she indicated Mariah take a seat next to her on the couch. The young woman was a member of the Maquis and in the beginning she had been belligerent, unable to fit in with the crew of Voyager. Now Mariah looked uncertain, almost afraid of her, still holding the package close.
"So, what is it, Mariah?"
"I hope you don't mind, Captain. The other night, when we celebrated - "
"I thought it wouldn't go down well, but it did. I'm glad," Kathryn cut in before Mariah could continue.
"Yes," Mariah responded with a half smile, "we're one crew now, Captain, and well, if it weren't for Tom Paris who asked you and Commander Chakotay to open the proceedings with a waltz... Well, I know he took bets and all, but, Captain, everyone said you looked beautiful..."
"Thank you, Mariah."
"And then I thought, when I begged the Doctor to lend me his imager, to take a few photos of you and the Commander dancing... I - I took the liberty of preparing this album, Captain."
Mariah handed Kathryn the package and she quickly removed the wrapping. The album was a book with gold framed pages, and each page swung on tiny hinges. A photograph filled the first page and Kathryn gave a little gasp. It showed her and Chakotay executing a picture step, and Chakotay faced the imager, while her back was to the viewer, with her head and face turned swan-like looking directly into the camera. The colour was muted so that her diaphanous gown appeared like something emerging from the mist. Kathryn looked at Mariah.
"I had no idea you were this good..." she whispered.
"My brother taught me, Captain. He used to say it's not the lens that picks the moment, but the eye that can envision beauty. I - I followed his example."
"It's beautiful, Mariah."
"It's for you, Captain." Mariah smiled again, her eyes shining this time. Kathryn thought how just expressing appreciation could light the eyes of someone. Mariah basked in the compliment.
"I - thank you. I see here you've indicated the stardate at the bottom of the page. My guess is you've left the other pages blank because - "
"It's one photograph for every year."
"There are ten pages..."
"I'm hoping that by the tenth year we'll be home..."
"You have great faith in me, Mariah."
"We have faith in our command team, Captain, and in our Voyager crew. It was a good celebration, one that we can have each year, and..."
"And of course, the Captain and Commander Chakotay opening the ceremony with a waltz."
"You were wonderful together."
"We had only two days to practice, but I promise, next year we'll practice weeks ahead of time."
"And we must see the Commander in his tails every year..." Mariah gave a sigh and Kathryn burst out laughing. "He looked so handsome and elegant. We've always just seen him in his Maquis attire and so rugged, none of us could believe that black tails could make him look...wow..."
"Wow, indeed..."
"Yes, and Captain, I'd like to take next year's photo too."
"Certainly, Mariah. Thank you for this wonderful gift..."
"It's been all the crew's pleasure, Captain."
Kathryn's mind was drawn to the present again. She caressed the photograph, protected behind a thin film of cellophane-like material. It was she herself who coaxed Chakotay into replicating a tail suit with white bowtie, telling him that if they were to do a waltz, they had to look the part. Chakotay had given her a real jaundiced look before he succumbed.
"It's that look of yours, Kathryn. How can I resist your request, when it's put so charmingly?"
Kathryn sighed. She had worn a powder blue dress with thin straps and generously pasted with diamanté over the bodice. Chiffon wings were attached at the back of her choker and fixed on the wristband. The photograph made them look ethereal, professional. They had moved into a picture step and Mariah had caught the moment of complete enjoyment and exhilaration she and Chakotay experienced when they performed the waltz.
That first year...things had been so untrammeled, so uncluttered with the complexities that had come to mark their association in later years.
It showed in the photographs. The smiles became less, although the dresses remained as beautiful as ever, and Chakotay remained as suave and as darkly handsome as the dancers they had studied when they prepared for their training - the great Luca Baricchi, Andrea Messina, Stanislav Vronsky...all brilliant dancers.
"Oh, Mariah, we made it in less than ten years after all, yet you continued with the pictures..." Kathryn whispered to herself, her eyes softening at the last photograph. "It's the only record I'll ever have of the two of us like this, in perfect harmony," she whispered as she touched Chakotay's face. "I can claim nothing more. This is the last year for us... It is over, Chakotay. It's over. You have your Annika and her undying devotion to you. She has you by her side forever..." Kathryn stifled a little cry as emotion overtook her. "And I have this..."
For a few moments she stared blankly at the photo, not seeing the perfection of the figures, the blurring a merciful release from the mocking pictures. Sighing, she put the album down next to her, closing her eyes as she leaned back against the couch. Chakotay and Annika would be back on Earth within a week. They would have little time to practice, and she wondered if Chakotay felt the same as she did. The burden of pretense weighed her down, especially since their return to the Alpha Quadrant. Was it for him the same too? She had seen the fire in his eyes...a fire that was in her own that day she had gone to see him in his office... She didn't want to think of that afternoon.
It was time to call a halt to the tradition. It was fun in those first two years, when they had gone into the whole thing with little inhibition and just the prospect of enjoyment and doing something they both knew the crew enjoyed - seeing the Captain and the First Officer together. She had few illusions in those first years, knowing that the crew were romantic and that they thought the idea of their captain and first officer teaming up for more than just a dance would fire their poor romantic notions.
Then the void happened. Too many things happened. More and more she became aware of her mission; more and more the guilt ate at her when she thought she failed them; more and more she hardened herself and wrote Duty and Discipline on the chambers of her heart. What was it she heard a passing crewman say one day? They're stone tablets, the chambers of her heart. Stone tablets on which the ship's commandments were written, with the Federation her god whom she followed religiously without regard for personal happiness.
Kathryn clutched at her breast at that thought. It was so unreal. She became so close with Chakotay, smiling, teasing, enjoying each other's company, having regular dinner dates in which they just talked shop. Yet, there was the underlying reality. They were close, yet so far apart and Chakotay, after New Earth, turned on the charm and assuaged her faith in him as a brilliant first officer and friend and she knew with heartbreaking conviction that he was hiding.
What did he hide? Everything. Everything she had been too blind to acknowledge. For to do that, meant that she had to relinquish a part of her she needed for herself. Somewhere during their time on New Earth - maybe it was the day she admitted that she'd have to remain there forever and make a home with him, she realised how much a part of her life he had become. After that, he revealed himself only fleetingly, when a quick glance from her caught him with his heart in his eyes.
Kathryn drew in a deep breath. She had known that last month on Voyager about his dates with Seven, wrote it off as something that, she believed arrogantly, would blow over soon, that he was biding his time and waiting for her.
Then the day they had to disembark... A whole night she had lain awake thinking about him, and thinking about relinquishing her own commandments. It had been a journey into the deepest recesses of her heart; the catharsis so liberating that by morning her decision was made. Why had it been so easy then? Why had the light of enlightenment dawned so late on her in those dark hours she had lain in her bed? It ordered her to relinquish her fears; told her that she could trust her instincts and let herself feel again. It came into her heart, the dawning, the understanding, little bits at first, all the memories of them together for seven years, image upon image in which she saw Chakotay smile, angered, concerned, protective, her comrade, her helper... images of Chakotay as he touched her hand in solace when a crewmember died, or when she felt depressed... It was life-altering, the way the light filled her being, a total release of inhibitions. She wanted Chakotay, wanted him by her side, wanted to dance with him the dance of life and love.
She had gotten up from the bed in great haste. She couldn't wait for when they were together on the bridge, or in her ready room. She went to his cabin to tell him. She had practised the words over and over what she'd say to him.
"I've been blind, Chakotay.... I love you. I've loved you for a long time..."
She had imagined Chakotay's response, pictured his eyes lighting up with joy, the dimples that would form the moment he smiled. She imagined how his eyes would never leave her as he drew her into his arms. She even imagined the words he would speak.
"Come, Kathryn, my love. Stand here close to my heart and feel how it beats in unison with yours. I am at peace at last..."
Kathryn imagined how she would ask him to forgive her for making him wait, and anticipated his response. He'd tell her there was nothing to forgive, because his joy was complete and his peace enveloped them both. There was so much more a sense of poetry and beauty in Chakotay that she knew he would express himself in that way. Her feet had carried her faster and faster to his quarters, and her heart had raced, the final peace she felt herself in finally making a decision for her and her life's happiness settling in her being.
His doors opened. She didn't think it was necessary to knock.
We've
decided to make our home on Ketarcha Prime as soon as the debriefings are over,
Kathryn....
The realisation that Annika was in Chakotay's quarters that early in the morning... Had she been so blind then? Annika Hansen was standing in Chakotay's embrace, looking blissfully happy, her face and eyes animated as she had never seen before. Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile, his eyes shining...only it wasn't for her, but the woman whom he held protectively in his embrace.
I'm
supposed to be standing there, Chakotay...next to you, held in your arms...
She had nodded, murmured pleasantries, and when Chakotay asked why she had come to his quarters, she had already put all her masks in place and smiled at them both.
"I had an idea I'd see both of you here and wanted to wish you personally a happy life together," she had replied.
"Thank you. It means a lot to us that you came, Kathryn."
"We will come to Earth every year, Captain," Annika offered.
"We'll all still have the joy of your company then."
Her heart had already broken, the stone tablets on which all her commandments were written, lay shattered about her feet. Yet, she could look at Chakotay and Seven of Nine and wish them happiness and prosperity in their work on Ketarcha Prime.
Kathryn woke from her reverie, feeling again how damp her cheeks were. Yes, she did pick up her heart and patch the pieces together and strengthened herself once again. No one could see the scar tissue, so no one could see how she still hurt every time she saw Chakotay and Annika together. Yes, they danced again, and now, in their third year at home, they were to resume their tradition of marking the joining of the Maquis and Starfleet crew into a Voyager crew; they would again dance...
If only she could obliterate what she felt...
She'd be happy again.
******************
Kathryn was early in her office the next morning. Lieutenant Shanath, young Bolian, was already busy preparing her appointments for the day, and the woman flitted about the two rooms with uncommon energy.
"You're too industrious this early in the morning, Shanath," Kathryn said as she entered her office, murmuring a soft, "good morning" to her aide.
"Good morning, Admiral. Admiral, you have a full list of appointments today, and in half an hour you're to see Admiral Paris for a short consultation..."
"Ah yes, the prospective applicants for the USS Pretoria. That should keep me busy most of the morning."
"And Admiral, I see my brother is one of the applicants."
"He told you he was going to apply for Science Officer, I take it."
"Chell studied very hard the last two years. He wasn't happy with just getting a field commission - "
"I know. He wanted to be properly Starfleet. Since our return a number of the Voyager crew went to the Academy to do fresher courses."
Kathryn had seated herself behind her desk and flicked on her vid-com, listening to her aide at the same time.
"He says he has to be at the anniversary first and nothing was going to keep him away."
"Yes," Kathryn responded distractedly, "the Pretoria leaves two days later from Deep Space Nine."
"Everyone's excited, Admiral. We have already ninety four percent confirmation from Voyager crew. The others are all in deep space and won't be able to make it..."
"That's most of the crew," Kathryn responded, smiling up at Shanath who stopped and stared at her. "What...?"
"Just the look on your face, Admiral. There's been no confirmation from Professor Chakotay..."
She didn't want to tell Shanath that she knew Chakotay had not sent confirmation yet, although he would probably come. It's why she had the new dress made...
"I know, Shanath. But don't worry. There's to be an exhibition of Ketarchan ancient artefacts at the Academy, and the professor has made arrangements with the Academy faculty head."
"Admiral?"
Kathryn smiled.
"I received notice on my way here, from Admiral Paris."
"So you're going to dance again, Admiral?" Shanath asked, unable to keep the excitement from her voice or her eyes from shining.
"You're a hopeless romantic, Lieutenant."
"I don't care! I hear it will be the last anniversary. Who knows, things will change..."
Kathryn frowned. Mariah Henley and Chell were great friends. The news must have come from her.
"Things change?"
"Everyone can see that the Admiral and the Professor belong together, if you don't mind my saying so, Admiral."
"Perhaps," Kathryn replied a little stiffly, "we'd should just get on with our work?"
"Aye, Admiral," Shanath sighed.
************