THE ANNIVERSARY WALTZ
PART FIVE
Chakotay took one last look in the mirror, tugging somewhat impatiently at the white bowtie. The stiff collar scratched a little but he ignored the mild discomfort. Ironically, he had lost weight since he lived on Ketarcha Prime, so he replicated new tails to fit snugly on his lean frame. His hair was combed back, a lot sleeker than it had been before, and plastered to his scalp in a shiny gloss. Kathryn used to tease him mercilessly in the good old days on Voyager.
"You know that hair gloss gives a very good effect, Chakotay."
"Kathryn! Ladies used that in the twentieth century - "
"You saw Luca Baricchi and Cristo Berninni and Ricardo Panetta and all the other male ballroom dancers. What do you think they used for that sleek black look?"
"Boot polish?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Why, do you think?"
"They were all Italian?"
Kathryn had given him an aggrieved stare so he complied. That first year… Everything had been such fun. They joked, teased one another without end, and by the time they finished their waltz, everyone had been in agreement that they should do it again the next year. Chakotay gave a sigh. He missed Kathryn, missed what they had. Closing his eyes, he tried not to picture her as she came into his quarters that last day on Voyager. There had been expectation on her face, a look so free from all restraint, as if she had finally thrown off her shackles that bound her to Voyager. It was more than just being home. She had wanted to tell him something important, something that was life-changing, he supposed. But Kathryn's breathless, flushed appearance froze, became distraught the instant her eyes took in the scene before her - a happy Seven of Nine who had just spent the first night with him in his quarters, firmly in his embrace, looking animated. Why not? Seven had just become his lover, had been tenderly introduced for the first time to sex and it had to be pretty obvious to Kathryn. Yes, Kathryn had a shattered look in her eyes for a second before it disappeared.
He wondered about that look for three long years.
He turned when someone entered the room. It was Annika, proud and worried at the same time. She wore a long black dress and looked stunning. It offset her Nordic looks, giving her a more aloof appearance. At home she had been calm, while he was like a coiled spring. He looked forward to the evening, and he dreaded it at the same time. He wanted to dance with Kathryn and make another beautiful memory with her, but deep inside him he knew that tonight he would be unable to resist Kathryn's beauty, her quiet grace that had all but deepened the last three years. Annika had sensed his restlessness and had made him sit down to watch the sun set over the Bay. A red sun that reminded him of Ketarcha Prime...of golden evenings on New Earth... Somehow, Annika's own calm touched him too and by the time they had to leave, his mood had changed and he had hugged her spontaneously. She had smiled at him, unaware of how her eyes had lit up at his show of affection. There had not been much of that lately.
"Are you ready?" she asked him.
"How do I look?" he countered her question.
"As always, very distinguished."
He placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer. Kissing her cheek, he heard her give a little sigh.
"What is it, Annika?"
"I will be leaving for Utopia Planitia in the morning."
"I know."
"You must decide, Chakotay..." she said, her voice sounding defeated.
His heart bled for her. He touched her hair, then cupped her cheek gently.
"I'm glad you're with me, Annika. I told you - "
"Yes, I know what you said. We agreed. But, Chakotay..."
"I don't want to hurt you, Annika..."
She gave him a tender smile, her eyes moist.
"I know. It is the one thing I have loved about you the most. You have honour and fidelity. But - "
"What, Annika?"
"It is not easy, letting go...."
"Look," he said quickly, taking her hand in his, "let's go inside. They're probably waiting for me. Wait for me at our table, will you?"
Annika nodded, then left the room as silently as she had entered it. Chakotay gave a sigh, tugged at the lapels of his tail coat, took one last look in the mirror and followed Annika Hansen out the door. In a few minutes, the ceremony would begin and Kathryn would be waiting for him at the entrance to the hall.
********
When B'Elanna Paris who had done the honours every year of helping Kathryn with her dress, walked into the dressing room reserved for the admiral, she gave a soft gasp. Kathryn had already put on the dress and was securing the straps and straightening out the soft chiffon of the skirt.
"Admiral!"
Kathryn looked up at her former Chief Engineer and lifted the corner of her mouth.
"You've never seen a ghost?"
"Oh, no! That dress...it's - it's sinfully beautiful and - and ethereal..."
"Therefore, ghost-like," Kathryn responded drily as she turned to the mirror again and began to fix a flower in her hair. B'Elanna was quick, taking the flower from her and then she gave another gasp. "What now, B'Elanna?"
"This - is an orchid."
"So it is. What about it?"
"It's fresh, Admiral. You've never worn a fresh flower in you hair..." B'Elanna's voice trailed away. "And the dress..."
"Raoul suggested the fresh flower."
"The designer. The one who boasts he is the best in the universe?"
"So he is."
B'Elanna touched her hair, smoothed away a stray wisp. Kathryn thought every hair on her head was already just about glued into place and secured in a bun in the nape of her neck. B'Elanna's fingers were light as they touched up here and tucked in there. Then she stood away from Kathryn, hands on her hips. Didn't B'Elanna even realise how striking she herself looked in her red dress? She looked completely unaware of her own allure.
"You're going to blow them away this time, Admiral."
"It's the last year, B'Elanna," Kathryn said softly.
It seemed B'Elanna didn't hear her.
"And, you're going to blow him away..."
"B'Elanna..."
"He loves you, you know."
B'Elanna's eyes flashed. She was fiercely proud of Chakotay and always viewed him like a kinder older brother and role model.
"Shall we go?" Kathryn asked, ignoring B'Elanna's words but the half-Klingon woman stood her ground and Kathryn couldn’t move past her.
"He's unhappy, Admiral. Everyone in the hall... the entire crew...they have eyes to see. Year after year he danced for you. He never liked to dance, did you know? Tom challenged him, but then I guess you know that. Chakotay would fetch water from Ocampa for you..."
"That's enough, B'Elanna. You've said enough - "
"He's unhappy with her and you're doing nothing - "
"What am I supposed to do?"
"What you should have done years ago, Admiral. Tell him you love him..."
I wanted to, didn't you know? I went to his cabin to tell him. I let go finally...
"B'Elanna..." Kathryn struggled to find her centre. B'Elanna had just knocked her off it. It had been a struggle for one whole year to forget, and then the old realisation that forgetting was impossible and that she had to keep feeding on her memories. Every year the same drill. Forget, remember, die, live. When she could breathe evenly again, she continued, "Chakotay knows how I feel. But he is an honourable man and would never hurt her."
"You hurt him..."
"That's unfair, B'Elanna - "
"Admiral! I'm - I'm sorry... I was out of line."
"You certainly were. Now, we should be on the floor in the next few minutes. How do I look?"
"Like a dream..." B'Elanna gave her a brilliant smile but Kathryn noticed the sheen of angry tears in her eyes.
*******************
They met at the entrance to the hall and Kathryn sucked in her breath. Chakotay looked very attractive in his white tie and tails and his impressive height enhanced the picture of dignity and elegance of his dress. It was something that happened every year when she saw him in his attire. Her heart would lurch wildly for a second before she could effect some control. She enjoyed the precious moments that she could look at him and not feel the shame to love him and show it in her eyes. The moment he turned, she recovered and smiled at him. When he saw her he froze for a few moments. She knew she looked good, knew that Raoul had once again done a brilliant job with her ice-white creation. She inclined her head, felt the indescribable sadness descend on her again as Chakotay walked slowly towards her and took her hand.
"You're beautiful..." he whispered as they stepped onto the floor. Tumultuous applause broke loose. Kathryn hardly saw anyone and was only aware of Chakotay. He cast her a sideways glance, his heart in his eyes. "Only angels could look like you look tonight..."
She thought how Raoul said he'd say those very words.
"Thank you," she replied as she curtsied.
Then the soft, haunting strains of "The Prayer" filled the hall and Chakotay moved into position, his hands outstretched. Kathryn floated into his arms. The connection was instant and spontaneous. They moved slowly, gracefully along the length of the floor. Kathryn vaguely heard gasps and applause. When they moved into a picture step, her eyes were on Chakotay who smiled down at her, holding her tenderly, finding expression in every bar of music, every nuance that they swayed to. Somewhere a refrain throbbed endlessly.
I
belong here, in his arms...
"They love us, Kathryn," he whispered as he brought her against him and they started a three sequence pirouette.
"I noticed," she whispered in response, not missing a beat or a step as they continued around the floor. The music was moving, beautiful, with the youthful voice of the singer clear, well-defined and controlled, the timbre guiding them in the traditional 1-2-3 step in sweet synchronisation so that they moved effortlessly across the floor, hardly aware of voices or gasps or soft whispers or applause. They were one with the music, a prayer for every child, every woman, every man seeking safe havens wherever they happened to wander or search for inner peace. The music mirrored their souls, aching and haunting and yet, noted with the old, old message that rest can only be attained if the heart listened.
So Chakotay and Kathryn danced the anniversary waltz, themselves the living example that captive and captor, Maquis and Starfleet, Warrior and Goddess can join and resolve to seek lasting peace. Many had followed their example, proving that in friendship, in peace, in everlasting love, there could exist no boundaries.
Do you think
it's a good idea to celebrate the joining of Maquis and Starfleet crew into a
Voyager crew, Commander?
Why not? Seems
the crew already decided for us, Captain.
But do you think
it's a good idea?
It would be
unique, Captain. We share our sorrow and our joy as one body on this vessel.
It's brilliant...
I hear we'll
have to dance, Commander.
Oh, no...
Kathryn remembered past years when they danced and she felt at home in Chakotay's arms. The same arms that held her now as if he would not let her go, or falter. He was perfect. She remembered how afterwards they would laze in her quarters or his cabin and talk the night away. She remembered one year when afterwards, he kissed her spontaneously and the whole evening had been magical. That was the year before they were home. Their last on Voyager. Chakotay's kiss then, his own surprise that he surprised her, and then the expectant look in his eyes - a look that died when she dismissed the kiss and their connection as "something dancers did when they finished their waltz. She remembered that.
Shall
we do this again, Kathryn?
It
was good, wasn't it?
We
were good, Captain.
Then
of course, same time next year...
Kathryn closed her eyes and lost herself in the magic of the dance...
********************
Chakotay tried to breathe as naturally as he could. In his arms floated with him the object of his affection and his love. He inhaled her, took in the hint of scent from the orchid in her hair and lost himself in her nearness. Every year they danced he was reminded how much they belonged together and how much he lost. A sudden flash of Seven's distraught face when she saw them kiss after the ceremony the previous year, was ruthlessly obliterated by the smell of Kathryn, her closeness, the perfect, perfect way in which she fitted into his arms and against his body. She was light, always had been. Light as a feather and light on her feet, Kathryn was every great ballroom dancer's dream partner.
He could no more imagine his life without her. He had given up the second he saw her standing a few metres away from him in her ice-white dress and the white orchid in her hair. He had never, in all the years he had known Kathryn Janeway seen her look so beautiful. Queenly - a goddess in white - and aloof and warm and near all at once. She had that effect on him, always...always... The dress looked more like an apparition from heaven than something Raoul had created for her. Raoul had done the work and Chakotay wondered idly if the designer could ever imagine that Kathryn could look like a goddess. He must have, because it was a goddess that moved in his arms. Kathryn of Virtue...Goddess of Virtue... What did it matter that she made him wait? What did her unfounded fears matter now? What did it matter that she teased him until he couldn't bear it any longer? What did it matter that she was the Captain of Voyager and he a lonely renegade searching all his life for someone to complete it?
What did it matter that she hurt him to the point of insanity?
His dream was in his arms, with him, in his heart for all time. How could he let her go? His heart overflowed with love he could no longer contain. For a split second only, his step faltered but Kathryn compensated instantly and they danced on. She looked up at him, her heart in her eyes and when she smiled, he felt something break finally inside him.
"I love you, Kathryn..."
This time her step faltered; he compensated and the correction was hardly noticed. His words were a pained whisper that sprang from deep inside him. In the room, no one else existed but he and Kathryn, like it was for nine years and like it had to be forever. He held his breath as she rallied.
"I love you too, Chakotay..." the whisper came from her.
"Always?"
"Always..."
*****************
Slowly, gracefully, the former Captain and former First Officer of Voyager moved into the final picture step while the guests rose to their feet.
In the foyer a young woman stood with an imager in her hands.
"Mariah, what is it?" James Hamilton, her husband, asked. He had followed when she gave a little cry of pain and rushed out of the hall. She looked at him with tear stained eyes.
"It's wrong...wrong, James. It's not fair..."
"They both made choices," he said sagely and Mariah wanted to throttle her husband for being so right.
"I know. But he loves her and she...she's in love with him..."
"And has been for years. Everyone knows that, sweetheart."
But Mariah seemed inconsolable as she allowed her tears to fall.
"It's not fair," she said again. "I've taken a picture of them every year and this one... Look..."
Her hands trembled as she held the imager to him. James Hamilton looked at the playback of the photo Mariah selected and stared intensely at it. He sucked in his breath and let it out slowly.
"Oh, my God..." he said. "This is the best so far..."
"See? They're perfect."
Mariah had caught them in a picture step, with Kathryn looking up at Chakotay and Chakotay looking at her, his eyes filled with love. It seemed she had just said something to him and the look on his face was as if heaven's portals had opened. It was a photograph, Mariah's favourite medium, and it looked to him as if the two figures moved. If he closed his eyes, that's what happened. Was the photograph alive? How had Mariah done it? He didn't look for answers. Mariah was near genius handling an imager and this time, she didn't take a snapshot. Her eye captured a moment of sheer beauty and life. He looked at his wife of three years, mother of their little son. He loved her, loved her for a long time and almost, he lost her because he thought she'd never give him the time of day. He was Starfleet, she was Maquis, and together, when they could face their fears head-on, they created magic. It wasn't easy, but he was a happy man. Maquis and Starfleet... So many followed the command team's example because they witnessed the rarest of perfect love between the two. Maquis and Starfleet...
"I understand. I understand perfectly...."
******************
The music ended and Kathryn curtsied deeply, while Chakotay took a bow. The applause was even wilder than when they stepped on to the floor. Kathryn couldn't see her crew for the sheen in her eyes. She wanted to go home and cry her heart out. She wanted to go to Mars and crawl under a rock there and never come out. She wanted to go back to New Earth and sit on their favourite rock and dream dark dreams.
Tonight, she made yet another memory with him, and this time it had to feed her the rest of her life.
Chakotay loved her. She loved him.
But what now?
What was an honourable man to do?
He had to do the honourable thing.
"Come with me, please, Kathryn," Chakotay whispered urgently to her. "Just come with me to the foyer. I won't keep you long..."
Chakotay's voice was pleading. Kathryn hesitated a moment, glanced at Chakotay's table where Seven of Nine was sitting, looking regal and impassive. It didn't fool Kathryn. Seven of Nine had for a moment, when their eyes met, looked like she had the previous year, when she caught Kathryn kissing Chakotay. Kathryn nodded and quickly followed him to the foyer. It was empty and she breathed a sigh of relief that there was no one to see them, or hear their conversation.
"What is it, Chakotay?" she asked.
"I want to repeat what I said while we danced. I can't help it anymore. I love you. I've never stopped. I'm sorry, about everything."
Kathryn sighed.
"No more than I am... I love you, Chakotay," she said, her voice hollow. "But, we each have our duty, you understand?"
Without waiting for him to respond, she turned and went into the hall, to join her companion at their table.
***********
Despite the air of unease that hung over the crowd in the seconds after Kathryn and Chakotay finished their dance and everyone's eyes going to Seven of Nine sitting alone and looking impassive, the evening proceeded with the same joyous abandon it had during the previous years. Tom was his hilarious self, even after B'Elanna had complained to him about her conversation with Admiral Janeway and how angry she was that the Admiral was once again going to let another opportunity slip through her fingers.
"B'Elanna, the most honourable individuals in the room right now are Chakotay and Admiral Janeway. The man's married, have you forgotten? I'm pretty certain that if the admiral doesn't make an announcement now, it will be made later. There won't be another anniversary, B'Elanna. Not after what we've seen on the floor tonight.
"Yeah, like we've seen every year..." she responded.
"But tonight, B'Elanna, there was magic in the air. It's never been like that before. They're in love, way in over their heads over heels in love. But Chakotay will never want to hurt Annika Hansen, nor would Admiral Janeway want to be instrumental in breaking them up."
"Look at them, Tom! Their masks are back in place, just like it had been on Voyager..."
"Honey, that's the way we know them. Something's gotta give, and very soon. Until that happens, can't we put our unhappiness aside and celebrate our Maquis-Starfleet union?"
B'Elanna Torres had given Tom a hard stare, then backed down when he challenged her gaze.
"Fine," she smiled, "but I don't waltz, Tom."
"Eh?"
"You're going to take me on the floor and we'll do a tango. I'm wearing red!"
"You're on!"
********
At Kathryn's table Andrew Ellerman leaned over and placed his hand over hers.
"Smile, Kathryn," he ordered, and was gratified when Kathryn graced him with a brilliant smile. "Now, I don't presume to lip-read, but I know what you said to him on the floor. I know what he said. I also know you are an honourable person. I've known you long enough, okay?"
She gave him a smile.
"Yes, and?"
"And now you have to continue the rest of the evening in my company. We'll drink to your good health, your future and Raoul who made the most incredible piece of angel's dress I've ever seen, and live on the dreams of yesterday."
"Yesterday, huh."
"Right. Then you'll wait here like the queen you are and everyone will come to our important table and greet Admiral Janeway and wish her well for the future and to future projects. Smile, Kathryn. The world is watching you. Keep the tears hidden like I know you can..."
"Oh, Andrew... What would I do without my friend?"
"Don't even think about it. Look, here's your first guest coming to our table... Smile Kathryn... Smile..."
Kathryn took a deep breath, buried her heartache and smiled when Chell and his wife approached the table.
******************
"It was a pleasant evening, Chakotay," Annika said when they entered their apartment.
Chakotay thought she had taken it well, all the adulation he and Kathryn received. For almost an hour they were the centre of attention after they danced, the former crew of Voyager taking turns in greeting their command team at their respective tables. He wanted to hug all of them. They never said anything but praise and accepted Annika as part of his life even though he knew that they would rather have seen a different outcome when they returned home.
"Yes, I enjoyed it. Thank you for doing this for me, Annika."
She turned to face him. Her eyes were pools of sadness, but a smiled tugged at the corner of her mouth.
"Tonight... I could see why. I - I am glad I could help. It would not have looked good if I stayed away."
"I...guess not."
"Chakotay..."
Annika's eyelids fluttered. Chakotay thought how much she had developed emotionally especially in the last three years. There was so little of the Borg about her that he almost missed it. She looked away then met his gaze again.
"What is it?"
"It's over..."
"Annika, please, I told you I'll not leave you. Believe that - "
"I believe what my eyes saw tonight, Chakotay," she cut in, her voice without rancour. "I wish...I could have had that with you, but - " Chakotay held up his hand to speak, to deny her words, but her own hand gone up to stop him. "Let me speak. I'll not have this opportunity again..." There was a heavy pause. They were standing in their lounge and Annika had looked several times to their bedroom door. Chakotay sighed. She lay in his arms at night, made love to him, then quietly lay on her side when they finished. He didn't want the guilt... "When you married me, I thought my life would be...complete. I found relevance in things I always thought to be unimportant adjuncts to my life. It was good that first year, Chakotay. I'm glad I've had that with you. But we never had a connection, not the kind that radiated from you and Admiral Janeway tonight...."
"Annika..."
"There is a power beyond what I can define that joined your...soul with Admiral Janeway a - a long time ago, Chakotay. You chose me... It was a privilege. I was happy. You weren't happy, Chakotay, and I desire your own happiness above all else. You can have that..."
He was silenced by her candour, rendered mute.
"Annika..." he managed, "I made a vow..."
"And I asked that you make a decision, Chakotay. I'm leaving in the morning for Utopia Planitia. I'll not return on the weekends like I've done in the past. I also told you I will adapt, whatever you decide. Please, let me have this little bit of dignity..."
He didn't know what to say. He never wanted to hurt her. All he could do was take her in his arms and hold her for long moments. He didn't love her, not anymore, and perhaps he never did. How could he when Kathryn was in every breath he took? He had a great affection for Annika and that had to be enough. He didn't want to leave her, but she was adamant and he had to concede that things had to come to a head and very soon. He kissed her, then held her away from him. Why did he feel like crying and shouting for joy at the same time? Why did he feel the tears well in his eyes? When he spoke, he was filled with deep emotion.
"Give me time, will you? To decide."
****************