PART ELEVEN

Chakotay wiped his brow with the back of his hand. The outburst had been unexpected but short. He had thrown the PADD against the bulkhead, then staggered to pick it up where it slid to the floor. The bile that had risen and threatened nausea had been suppressed so viciously that his skin had become damp; he had been overcome by a momentary dizziness. He saw Tuvok through a haze and slowly the Vulcan's face became clear as the haze receded. Beads of perspiration kept forming on his forehead, making the occasional wipe ineffectual; his breathing had become laboured. He alternated between shock, anger, outrage and bitterness. It had been preceded by disbelief, a furious denial of the evidence before him. Tuvok appeared unfazed by his outburst and stood on the other side of the desk as impassive as ever.

For a moment, Chakotay wanted to punch the Vulcan's face, if only to elicit some response, an emotion however unrelated to the present situation. That urge was gone in a moment and when he had given himself enough time to calm down he took in a deep breath and expelled it slowly.

"Why did you hide this from me?" he bit out. "I notice the entries were made two days after Seven and Dillinger died."

"Captain Janeway ordered me to withhold the results from you."

"In God's name, why? To save me extra pain out of some mistaken belief that I can't deal with it? Is that it?"

Tuvok shifted, but remained expressionless.

"I cannot tell you what the Captain's motivations were, other than as you correctly state, you were not ready to deal with it."

"The truth, Tuvok, would not have killed me."

It seemed to him that Tuvok's mouth pulled into a smile. If he didn't know any better, the Vulcan could have been doing just that.

"That was what I told the Captain. It could be that she may have wished for you to preserve the good memories you have of Seven of Nine."

Chakotay almost choked.

"What? Why did she presume to second-guess and project how I should feel and not feel?"

"You may recall, Commander, you called the Captain many names in the days after Seven of Nine died. Also, your emotional disposition at the time was such that the Captain felt it necessary to shield you from more trauma. The Captain's first priority was the baby who needed immediate attention - "

At the mention of Carina, Chakotay subsided a bit. He sat down, defeated. He wanted to cry, felt like a hundred dams were about to burst their walls. It was all there, the damning evidence which Kathryn kept from him to protect him and ultimately, Carina.

"I apologise for my behaviour, Tuvok. Kathryn acted in my best interest - "

"Acknowledged. I did again inform the Captain to make the results known to you the day you married. It had been her express wish then, even more than before, not to tell you."

Because she had more to lose... Kathryn had very little outlet for the burdens she carried and heaven knew, he didn't provide much of a support in the last year. His feelings for her had resurged with a great force and in the last year it had taken great effort to hide it from her and not scare her off. He wanted her and their kiss was proof enough that she was ready to let go of those conditions. If only... He had to tell her how he felt. She thought he didn't love her. He had been all kinds of a fool...

"It may be the key to her recovery, Tuvok. I must tell her there is nothing to worry about, nothing to forgive. It still remains a shock that  Seven of Nine could have sabotaged the shuttle to kill her,

Dillinger and the baby..."

"It was very cleverly done, Commander, and almost completely undetected. I found encryptions so embedded it would have escaped the attention of another officer."

"She couldn't be accused of pilot error, Tuvok. She was an accomplished pilot. She manufactured an accident..."

"That was why it was easy to detect foul play."

"Are you saying you knew what to look for before you even started?"

"I operated on the principal that a routine mission, a shuttle that had been overhauled only days before by Lieutenant Paris, with no other elements of danger during its flight, couldn't crash without any reason. Also - " Tuvok paused and Chakotay cast him a quick glance and rose to his feet again.

"Also?"

"I assumed that sabotage could not be ruled out and my investigation proved that it was indeed your then wife, Commander. The encryptions bore her signature, her modus operandi as you say. No other individual on board could use those codes which were part Borg..."

"Next question: why did she do it?"

Did Tuvok sigh and give him a long-suffering stare? Chakotay shook his head, certain he imagined those reactions from Tuvok. And Kathryn? Did she feel her guilt so great that she preferred to dwell in the darkness? She had given Seven the order...

"You should search within yourself, Commander, to answer that question..."

**********

His heart was heavy. Kathryn lay in sickbay, unable - unwilling - to come out of her coma and Carina was fretful because her Mommy couldn't wake up. Chakotay, at his wits' end, asked B'Elanna to organise day care for Carina for a few days so that he could sit with Kathryn and talk to her.

He had to convince his wife that he loved her. Somewhere in the dark depths where Kathryn was dwelling, she thought he didn't and she thought he would condemn her for withholding the details of Seven's accident from him; she felt extreme guilt sending Seven on that fateful mission. She thought he would take Carina from her. Kathryn had discovered that Seven had meant to crash the shuttle and she kept this terrible secret from everyone, held it close to her heart where it festered. Why didn't he see how it burdened her? Every single decision made by her, many with far reaching consequences, and others of moral and ethical proportions, coming home one day and having to account for everything that happened on board Voyager... For some of those things that happened, she could face court martial once they got home. Starfleet would want to know everything...  If Kathryn didn't want to wake up, he could understand. But, she had a ship to run; she had to be mother to Carina and... He sighed. She had to remain his wife.

B'Elanna had given him a jaundiced look when he approached her.

"So, what was all that about in the ready room? We thought you'd bite Tuvok's head off."

B'Elanna had Carina tugging one hand and Owen the other, but she looked totally in control of the two. Miral was there to lend a hand.

"Something about the accident."

"Oh. That."

"What's that supposed to mean, Torres?"

"We always suspected Seven sabotaged the shuttle."

"Am I the last to know?"

"Yes. You have no idea what Kathryn Janeway had given up, do you? You've been living  -  excuse me, staying in the shared,  separate but equal quarters - with Kathryn Janeway for more than a year and you're supposed to be best friends, yet you're completely ignorant of what was happening or how she suffered."

He didn't want to remind her that he wasn't a model officer and man in the early days after Seven's death. But B'Elanna touched something, and he felt his anger rise. Carina looked like she wanted to cry, but Owen stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed again.

"I know. I wasn't paying attention. But what happens in our quarters is not your business, Torres. I should crack that skull - "

"Have a go all you want. Seven wanted to kill herself. Don't you know?"

He blanched. B'Elanna was disarmingly direct, pulled no punches.

"Know what?"

B'Elanna gave a coarse sigh of exasperation.

"See? When you're best friends, you miss important signals.  And let me tell you - when you're married, you miss those signals too. Were you totally blind?"

"And the lesson on Friendship and Marriage 201 Advanced?" he asked sarcastically. He was itching to get back to Kathryn's side. There was still no progress, but he wanted to be with her.

"Well, you three formed a cute little triangle. The man, the wife and the best friend."

"God, B'Elanna. You make it sound sordid."

B'Elanna pulled the children along as she stepped closer to Chakotay. Her eyes were fevered.

"You were wearing both women down, Chakotay. You know why it's good to stand on the fringes and look in? You're not involved, so your judgment isn't compromised. You view things objectively and anyone who cared to look - as everyone apparently did - could see what you didn't. The Captain played an award winning performance and totally blinded you to the reality. Seven couldn't play so she removed herself from the equation. Only, she didn't reckon that our medical hologram would save a baby from the wreckage of your little triangle. Carina was not supposed to live, Chakotay..."

"Damn you..."

"You'd walk to Janeway's quarters to discuss things, and however much it seemed very normal and innocent to you since you've always done it, it wasn't to Seven, nor the Captain."

Chakotay blanched at B'Elanna's statement. Seven always said she didn't mind...

"I'm sorry, Chakotay." B'Elanna lifted Carina in her arms and held the child close to her. "Seven couldn't see any other way out of the wreckage to leave you with the woman you really love."

He closed his eyes. Seven almost killed their child. She killed herself and an innocent fellow crewman. He had loved Seven but deep down he knew, he worshipped Kathryn Janeway. Seven had been aware all the time. The pieces of the puzzle were all slowly falling into place. Chakotay could finally see the completed picture. Kathryn would respectfully stand one side and Seven? Seven would never speak of her own sorrow.

"I can't hate her, Torres."

"No, I guess not. She was only human..."

********** 

This time the dome was down and Chakotay could take Kathryn's cold hand in his the moment he sat down next to the bed. Her face had a little more colour and he was hopeful that she'd soon come out of her coma.

The doctor hovered in the background. When he had entered, the EMH had just shaken his head. There wasn't anything he could do for Kathryn. He could make her comfortable, see that the lights were kept at low illumination, but short of shaking her by the shoulders, he couldn't do much else.

Chakotay raised his free hand to touch her forehead. A pain shot through him, his chest exploding as Kathryn's fingers curled around his. Did she sense his presence?

"Oh, please, Kathryn.... I'm not angry. Just come back to us...to me..." he pleaded very softly. The intense pain in his chest subsided a little, but he felt a wheeze and knew he'd be short of breath.

"Just keep talking," the doctor advised. "It's clear the Captain is actually responding to your presence, Commander."

Chakotay nodded, then kept stroking Kathryn's hand.

"I wasn't much of a warrior, was I?" he started softly. "I should have known. I should have stormed your fences and stayed inside, right from the very beginning. Even when you wouldn't let me anymore, I should have resisted the fences you put up. You did put them up, did you know? Only, I was a fool for not realising just why. Maybe it wasn't that you wanted to get us all home and you were too aware of your duty; maybe it was just that you didn't trust your own feeling. But I should have known you'd hide from me and keep me out..."

Hope flared brightly when Kathryn's hand twitched.

"I want to tell you I wasn't much of a man to let you get away from me. I wasn't much of a man to walk into someone else's arms because of it... But Kathryn, don't you see? I still couldn't let you go. My heart is still tied to yours for eternity..."

Chakotay leaned over and pressed his lips to Kathryn's. Long he remained like that, perhaps hoping that there would be some reaction. A sob escaped him, and the tear that rolled down his cheek was one he couldn't prevent. It seared into his neck and finally dripped on Kathryn. He sat back again, not caring whether the doctor witnessed his outburst. Kathryn's cheeks were damp. He touched the dampness tenderly, then buried his head against her.

***

It was long past midnight when Chakotay raised his head from Kathryn's bosom. His neck felt stiff and he rubbed it, blinking several times to come fully awake. Kathryn hadn't stirred when he moved and his heart sank. He didn't want to leave her side. Tom and Tuvok were in charge on the bridge, and Carina was taken care of. He could stay for as long as it took Kathryn to recover. Their vessel was accompanied by three Albemarle vessels until they were out of Grenorian space. At least as far was their journey was concerned, he didn't have to worry.

"Kathryn..." he whispered. "Open your eyes, please..."

A hand touched his shoulder. It was the EMH.

"Commander, you've been here for three days. I'll call you as soon as there is a change in the Captain's condition - "

"No. I'll stay. It's nothing. She - "

"Chakotay...?"

Her voice sounded thin, weak. Chakotay swung round. Kathryn's eyes were open and fixed on him. He sank thankfully into the chair and scooped her hands into his.

"Kathryn..." Her name tore from his throat, a hoarse sound that was more a sound than a name.

Her eyes looked tired, but they never wavered. He heard vaguely the doctor moving away from them..

"It was dark, Chakotay."

"I know, my love - "

"My...love?" He saw her frown, noticed only now how dry her lips were. Her eyes were sunken, yet the heat poured from them.

"Yes," he whispered, leaning forward to press his fevered lips against hers. When he sat back, there remained a question in her eyes. "I love you, Kathryn. I - I don't think I ever stopped. I need you in my life, always.  I need you for me, not just a mother to our little girl, but as my wife..." 

A ghost of a smile formed.

"You love me, still?"

He enfolded her hand in his and brought it to his lips. Kathryn tried to raise her head, but fell back. She was still weak and she needed to rest. He nodded and when he took her hand away, was surprised again that it was wet with his tears. Her eyes were still fevered, but the soft sigh that escaped her told him that his words made her happy.

"I wanted to tell you...about the - the accident..." she started, trying to lift herself up again. He pressed her gently back against the headrest.

"I know everything, Kathryn. Don't be afraid..."

"Tuvok said - "

"A man will not die from hearing the truth."

"Yes. I - the burden was too heavy... I should have told - "

"Shhh... No more guilt, okay?"

She looked long at him, so long that he thought she'd slip into a coma again.

"And Carina?" she asked.

He sighed.

"One day, Kathryn, when she is old enough to understand, we'll tell her about a good woman who gave birth to her."

Kathryn smiled tiredly, but her hand remained in his. The doctor had appeared again.

"How are you feeling, Captain?" he asked.

"I want to get up here." 

Chakotay smiled at her words. The relief sprang from deep within him. Kathryn was in fighting mood again. Ready to fight the doctor and ready to fight him.

"Oh, no, Captain. You are not well. You've been in a coma for four days. Your body needs rest. Your husband here - "

"Is ready to take his wife home, Doc."

"Commander!"

"Chakotay..."

"Yes?"

"Get me out of here."

Chakotay was ready to lift Kathryn to a sitting position when the doctor intervened.

"At least let me make certain the Captain is out of the woods. You wouldn't want to bring her back here only hours after she discharged herself."

They waited interminable minutes while the EMH completed his examination.

"There, that's done. I advise you to take it easy over the next few days, Captain."

Chakotay only half listened to the doctor's words. His eyes were on Kathryn; he touched her cheek gently and smiled. She was sitting up and made a move to slide off the  bed.

"No, you're not walking out here," he said firmly.

"Chakotay?"

"I'll bring her in here tomorrow for a check-up, Doc, but right now, the Captain wants to go home."

He lifted her in his arms, his heart bursting with love as she clung to him, her arms tightly round his neck. All the way to their quarters they were met by those crew still moving about during Gamma shift. Chakotay smiled inwardly at their looks of surprise and joy at the same time. When they reached the cabin, Chakotay eased her to her feet, keyed in the codes and lifted her into his arms again as the doors slid open.

"We're home," he whispered close to her face.

Minutes later she lay on the bed. He pulled the cover over her and sat down next to her. Her hand in his was small and warm, and trusting. Chakotay kissed her tenderly. He felt a thrill coursing through him as she responded. Breaking contact reluctantly, he smoothed her hair away from her face, then rested his fingers against her lips. Her eyes closed. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. The moment was hallowed, quiet, the soft thrumming of the ship's engines the only sound as they remained like that for several minutes.

"Chakotay..."

"Hmmm?"

"Tell me again that you love me..."

"I love you, Kathryn..."

Chakotay smiled as he said the words, for Kathryn's drooping eyes had closed and she gave in to the mercy of sleep.

****

End Part eleven

Part twelve [finale]

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