PART
SIX
"My,
you're a greedy little thing tonight, sweetie," Kathryn murmured softly as
she sat on her bed and held Carina, feeling the child's mouth clamp on her
nipple. Her fingers splayed over Kathryn's full breast and Kathryn wanted to
laugh at the way it seemed that the little fingers were industriously kneading
her breast to expel the milk faster.
The
only answer Kathryn got was the gurgling sound as Carina suckled quite strongly.
She caressed the baby's hair and brushed it gently away from her face.
Everyone
on board had been surprised that she was breastfeeding Carina. Even now, she
still remained stunned that it was possible. She had read extensively that women
who adopted babies could receive boosters to lactate so that it was possible to
breastfeed them through at least the first two months of their birth.
For
her it had almost not been necessary. Her own body had sprung to reaction the
minute she pushed her hand through the aperture of the incubator and touched
Carina's tiny body. Had her instincts been so strong then? Did she have a deep,
unspoken desire to be a mother? And of Chakotay's child?
It was
territory she had avoided religiously especially when Chakotay married Seven of
Nine. Her own chances burned and opportunities lost, she had cut her losses and
concentrated instantly on the matters at hand: Voyager, her command and her
mission to take her people home. To a large extent she had succeeded and her
magnificent obsession of sleeping one day in the same bed with her first officer
and bearing his children and mostly, of just being a mother, had been killed by
her. It was reduced to nothing as she watched the two persons dearest to her,
married, in love, passionate about one another.
She
had given herself no time to feel any regrets, and only sometimes, in the dead
of night, she'd lie awake and dream of children...
Now,
through a tragedy and the miracle that followed, she was given the rare
opportunity of surrogating in a way, for a dead woman whom Kathryn hoped, nodded
her head in approval.
Seven
would have said, "It is irrelevant. I am dead. My daughter needs a
mother."
And
that would have been the end of that.
At two
months, Carina had blossomed into a healthy little baby. She had taken instantly
to Kathryn's breast, something which the doctor had declared, "There, I
knew she'd comply." That first morning they had been in the nursery, behind
a partition reserved for the privacy of breastfeeding. Of necessity they had to
use the nursery for rotating crew to care for the little ones while their
parents were on duty.
Carina
was no different and she had been crying her little head off during her bath and
when Kathryn had dressed her, all the while watched by the doctor and Chakotay
she had paused long enough to open her eyes and looked straight at Kathryn.
It
seemed that the entire ship had been holding its breath, for everyone had heard
by then of what she was going to do. Since the moment Chakotay had marched into
the ready room carrying Carina, her body had gone into overdrive and by the time
the doctor had administered the booster, her breasts were so tender that it was
painful just to touch it. During that night she couldn't sleep and she lay
listening to her heartbeat, feeling how her body was changing, her breasts
fuller than she had ever seen it.
"Please...m-may
I watch?" Chakotay had stammered. Seeing his concern, his eagerness to
share the moment, her own reserve and embarrassment fled as she sat down in the
rocking chair. He had placed the baby in her arms and Carina, impatient and
hungry, had been sobbing. Her own tears were not far away as she lifted the baby
towards her nipple. Carina was six days old, had taken in little of the formula
that had been prepared and which her body had rejected. Her weight was down and
it was a colossal test to see if she would take to Kathryn's milk. They had
taken a chance, and one that worked, for the baby, smelling Kathryn again,
nudged blindly towards the food source and the moment her rosy mouth tasted the
first drops her lips sought naturally, instinctively, latching and suckling as
if her life depended on it. Her life did depend on it.
She
had ignored Chakotay and the doctor in the first minute that she had been too
stunned as the baby drew her milk which seemed to rush like a torrent into her
breast. It worked and minutes later she had dutifully held the baby up to be
burped.
Carina's
eyes had closed after that and when Kathryn looked at Chakotay, there were tears
in his eyes. His hand had been on her shoulder and she could feel how it
trembled, the moment for both of them too moving to say anything. Just a gentle
nod of approval.
No,
she had not been embarrassed that first morning, taking out her breast and
feeding his daughter. Afterwards he had knelt
down next to the rocker and touched her cheek.
"Thank
you, Kathryn..."
"You'll
have to advise me on Carina's living arrangements, Chakotay..." she had
said softly, not wanting to impose on him or poach. She was the baby's food
source, nothing more. After a few months, everything would be back to normal,
Carina weaned off her breast and ready to take in normal milk based on the
composition of her own. She had had a discussion with the doctor and as long as
she kept it as just another job helping out her friend, she was fine. Chakotay
had made his position pretty clear regarding Carina's status in her life and it
was what she had to accept.
Kathryn
rocked back to the present when her door chimed.
"Oh,
sweetie, I'm not supposed to fall in love with you, and I guess I was a lost
cause from the time you opened your eyes and looked at me," she whispered
to the baby. On her command to enter, the doors swished open just as she had
settled Carina on the bed and tidied herself.
"Kathryn,
I - " she heard Chakotay's voice behind her. She turned, and he smiled as
his eyes rested on her first, then went to the baby lying quietly on the bed.
"What?"
"I
was going to ask if Carina could sleep in with you tonight..."
Kathryn
thought that Chakotay had ample opportunity during the day to ask.
"You're
going somewhere, Chakotay?" she teased, glad to see him smile again. Two
months after Seven's death and she thought he handled himself well. She had no
doubt that he still grieved. She had been in his quarters late one evening
settling in the baby when she heard him cry out in his sleep and thrashing
around in bed.
"The
holodeck. I haven't been working out for some time. Carina has been a demanding
little thing, hasn't she?" he replied, bending down to touch the sleeping
baby.
"It's
fine, Chakotay. Though I think it would be better if she stayed in your
quarters. I - "
"Please...
She's only quiet when she's with you, you know..."
Kathryn
gave him a long look. His accusation still rankled and she had been excessively
careful in the last two months not to get too close to the baby, though it was a
hopeless cause. But she wasn't going to tell him that. He'd already used very
powerful ammunition to reduce her to nothing. Better that he didn't know.
"My
position must be made clear, Commander. I think it would be best for me, for you
and ultimately, for Carina."
"That
you remain just Captain Janeway for her? What about 'Aunt Kathryn' the way Miral
and Jamie Hamilton are calling you?"
"That
will do then," she sighed, turning to pick up the baby and easing her
gently into the crib Chakotay had made for her quarters and which stood next to
her bed. It had been the best arrangement, with some of Carina's clothing and
furniture moved from Chakotay's quarters.
"Oh,
Kathryn..."
"Now,
go," she ordered him. "I'll take care of her for the night. Don't
worry. I'll take her to the nursery in the morning. Mariah and Noah Lessing are
on duty on the Alpha shift..."
Chakotay
hesitated, opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something again and her own
heart raced wildly at the anticipation of it. But he simply nodded and left her
cabin quietly.
****
A
month later they were on the bridge in their command chairs. Kathryn stared
longingly at the planet that appeared red, like Mars. Chakotay, looking at her,
smiled and then leaned over to touch her hand.
"Your
turn for shore leave, Kathryn," he said amiably. When she could pull her
gaze away from the scene on the viewscreen and spared him a glance, she too
smiled.
"You
know I haven't had - "
"Any
off days for the last three months. You have accumulated five days..."
"I
was hardly aware of it, Chakotay," she responded, turning to stare at
Adromax, 2nd planet of the star system, M-class with oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere.
"I
don't blame you, Captain. I was not myself in recent months - "
"Nonsense,
I think you've carried yourself well, Commander. You came on duty a week before
your compassionate leave was over and - "
"You
never said anything..."
"Well,"
she conceded, "work is sometimes a good healer..."
"I'll
not argue with you on that, but I do wish you well, for the three days you're
taking off. Carina will miss you, no doubt."
"She
has her Daddy who must feed her, bathe her and put her to sleep. What can I
say?"
"She'll
miss you?"
"I
told you before, Commander. Don't resort to blackmail."
"Captain!
I beg to differ with you on that. It was only stating the - "
"I'm
going. I need to be away..." Kathryn cut in, "and recharge. It's been
a...difficult three months, you understand?"
Chakotay
gave a little sigh. Kathryn had kept him at arm's length since the day she
agreed to help him with Carina, and he couldn't blame her. Sometimes he could see
the clouds still in her eyes, in moments when she let her guard down. Then he
knew she thought of that day in sick bay when he said those damning words. With
Carina she had been caring, loving even, but he could see how she pulled back
into her private world where he couldn't touch her.
It
hurt him, the knowledge that Kathryn was just doing a job.
The
hand that had been covered by his all the time they had talked, slipped out and
rested on her lap.
"I
understand, Kathryn," he said finally.
****
Chakotay
held three month old Carina in his arms while Kathryn kissed her forehead. They
were standing in the transporter room and several of the crew had already beamed
down. B'Elanna, mother again for a second time with two month old Owen, elected
to stay behind and help him with Carina.
Carina
could smile already. Chakotay chuckled inwardly. Predictably, she reserved her
smiles for Kathryn.
But he
worried a little. Even as Kathryn kept herself aloof from the child, Carina was
drawing closer and closer to the woman who, to all intents and purposes, was her
mother. She lay against Kathryn's breast when she fed; she fell asleep there.
That day in Kathryn's ready room he had told her that Carina had committed her
smell to her memory and he hadn't been lying. He knew Kathryn knew it. The
doctor knew it and hell, even most of the crew knew it. Carina loved Kathryn,
that was as clear as daylight. How was he going to separate child from Captain
when the time came that Kathryn would demand it?
"Say
bye-bye to Aunt Kathryn, honey," he instructed and Carina gurgled happily.
"Bye,
sweetie," Kathryn said, then retreated from them to stand on the
transporter pad.
Within
seconds, Kathryn was gone and he stood there, alone with Carina who promptly
started bawling her eyes out.
*******
End Part six