PART
EIGHT
Kathryn
knew that her cheeks were red. Chakotay's proposal was out of the blue, totally
stunning. It was nothing that she had expected from him. She did what she had to
do for a friend, did it because she loved him and couldn't let his daughter
suffer.
Still,
those parameters that had always been in place since they had known one another,
were about to be shattered. It depended only on what she would say in
response to his fantastic suggestion.
She
had come down to Andromax to find a measure of peace, to get away from Chakotay
and his daughter. The last twenty four hours had been hard, and her peace hard
won, whatever measure of it she found here. She read poetry, and allowed the
beauty of it to dissipate her painful introspection and whatever it was that
there had been between them once.
Yes,
her peace was about to be shattered.
How
could it not, when father and daughter looked at her with so much anticipation
in their eyes? Even Carina, only three months old, joined forces with Chakotay
and managed to have a questioning look in her eyes, and the rosiest of lips
quivering as if she were going to burst into tears if Kathryn didn't answer
anytime soon.
What
could she tell them?
"You
say 'we', Chakotay?" she managed at last, her shock subsiding and finding
her elusive voice.
She
knew she sounded cynical and edgy. They were about to disturb her peace.
"I
know it's a big decision to make, Kathryn, but Carina...you see, she can't wait."
"You
want to marry me, Chakotay?"
"Yes..."
he said slowly. "Yes, I want to marry you."
"Why?"
"Carina
- "
"Yes,
there it is...Carina. What you want is someone - I believe I've already done you
that favour, Commander - to take care of your baby, to breastfeed her and -
and..."
"To
love her, like you would your own daughter, Kathryn," he replied softly.
"I
have no daughter."
"You're
smarter than that. You know what I mean."
Something
broke in her, the bitterness exposed for a moment only.
"You
told me - "
"I
know what I said, Kathryn. I can't tell you how many times I've regretted that.
I know I hurt you. I know I'm probably not good Daddy material myself and much
less - much less..."
"Husband
material?"
She
saw him clench his jaw, a nerve that twitched as he tried to curb his anger.
Carina started crying.
"I
had this idea it wasn't going to be easy, but I guess we'll just have to go back
to where we were Kathryn. Carina crying like mad after you, and me... I want to
marry you. I want Carina to have a father and a mother. One of these days she'll
learn to talk and then..."
She
took the baby quietly out of his arms and held Carina to her bosom. For a few
seconds she buried her face against the child, inhaling her baby smell, cool,
powder freshness. Carina nuzzled against her, her mouth hungrily searching for
her food source.
"I'm
her Aunty Kathryn, Chakotay."
"No..."
"Yes."
"Please...
I know she'll be looked after by the crew. But then Carina - she will be
everybody's daughter and nobody's daughter..."
That
got to her.
Carina
was nobody's daughter. Chakotay was right. Her eyes misted.
"You
want me to be her mommy?"
"Yes,
Kathryn. We both want that. Look, she's ready for a feed..."
"And
she's going to call me Mommy?"
"I
want that very much, Kathryn. But, I would also like you to be my wife - "
"Seven..."
"It
was good, what we had, Kathryn. Maybe it wasn't perfect. But she's gone,
and...look, if you're worried that I'll make any demands..."
"So
this is another job, Chakotay."
She
knew she sounded harsh, unfeeling, but she had to know. Chakotay had been
widowed only three months. His mouth opened and closed as he stared at her. He
had to accept her terms. She sat down in her big chair again when Carina started
fretting. Strange, she thought as she opened the top of her culotte, how it
didn't bother her that Chakotay was watching. She experienced the thrill again
when milk seemed to rush into her breasts the minute Carina latched greedily
onto one nipple and started suckling strongly, making little sounds of pleasure
as her hand kneaded into Kathryn's flesh. Sharp thrills shot through her body
and the next few minutes she allowed the pleasure of it to suffuse her.
How
could it be another job? A baby, not her own, was drinking from her through a
miracle that happened. She loved Carina to the point of desperation. The
barrier, the fact that it wasn't her child, always brought her to the rude
reality of the situation. She looked down and stroked Carina's hair, surprised
when tears dropped on her hand.
If she
wanted Carina, she had to take Carina's father, too.
She
couldn't let him know of her feelings. Not now, not after everything happened,
not after Seven... Kathryn closed her eyes at the thought of Seven of Nine and
the accident. She loved Chakotay's motherless little baby and if she said yes,
it would be her child.
"Kathryn?"
"Yes,
Chakotay. I'll be her mother and I'll be the wife of her father. Nothing more.
We don't share the same bed, but I'll make arrangements for a partition between
our quarters..."
"Carina
will be yours, Kathryn. Thank you..."
There
was no kiss to seal the arrangement, no hugging to express abiding affection.
Just a simple 'thank you.' It was the way she wanted it, for now.
One
day, she knew, he'd look at her again the same way he did on New Earth, where no
parameters existed between them. Sometimes in those days, his eyes had shone
fiercely with love and pride and protection.
"I
want to do everything and more for you, Kathryn..." were his words then.
"One
day, Chakotay, you'll probably eat those words..." had been her reply.
*********
They
stayed on Andromax for two more days. Chakotay had slept in the lounge while
Carina roomed in with Kathryn during the night. In the early morning Chakotay
would knock on the door and come in, just to watch Carina feed. His eyes looked
clear, Kathryn had thought. In
retrospect, she realised how worried he had been, knowing that her initial
suggestion served only as a temporary measure to help Carina and that Carina
kept pining for her.
Now,
his face looked relaxed. She had hoped that by morning she'd see something in
his eyes, a lightening of the mood, the old, gentle teasing. It didn't dampen
her own spirits when Carina woke up and she changed the little one's diaper. It
was 0500 hours and minutes later, the baby had gone to sleep again. Kathryn had
held her in her arms all evening, and later she reluctantly cushioned the area
next to her on the bed where Carina could sleep.
It had
been a good two days. Chakotay had been supportive, Carina didn't cry anymore
unless she needed a diaper change or was too impatient to drink. Kathryn had a
mind to wean her slowly off her breast. Her time on the bridge made consistent
breastfeeding difficult, and she was glad to share the doctor's view that at
least, Carina got through her first months a healthy baby, weighing almost the
normal average weight for her age.
The
crew had also been the biggest surprise when they returned to Voyager.
"She
needs someone she can call Mommy, Captain."
"Thank
you, Marla."
"Even
if she can't speak now, she already sees you as her mother."
B'Elanna,
back in the nursery with Owen junior, had given her a strange look.
"We
always knew you'd be perfect with Chakotay."
"Too
many things have happened, B'Elanna. Some of those things...Well, it's no use
harking back on what might have been."
"Seven
only wanted the baby for one reason, Captain - "
"B'Elanna!"
"It's
true," the words burst from her. "She couldn't deal with you being in
Chakotay's life."
"We've
always been friends. I've kept my distance."
B'Elanna
sighed.
"I'm
glad Seven's dead - "
"B'Elanna!"
Kathryn cried out again. "How can you say that?"
"She
- " B'Elanna paused. "She... I'mm just thinking out loud, Captain.
Ignore it. I'm just glad you're going to marry Chakotay. So what's with the
separate beds, then?"
She
felt the blush creeping to her cheeks.
"We
want to be there for Carina first, you...understand?"
Another
penetrating look from B'Elanna, then the Chief Engineer relented and backed
down.
"Okay,
one partition coming up, two separate beds, one crib on your side and..."
"What...?"
"Don't
make him wait too long, Captain..."
*********
"Come,"
Kathryn ordered when her ready room door chimed. It didn't surprise her to see
the officer standing there. Tuvok paused on the threshold, then took a few steps
forward until he stood in front of her desk. He held a PADD in his hand and
Kathryn sighed deeply.
"You
know," he stated.
"It
may not be the right moment to reveal the findings, Commander."
He
held the PADD to her and she reluctantly took it. Then he stood, hands behind
his back.
"You
should have informed Commander Chakotay about the results of my investigation
immediately after the accident. He should not be held in the dark about - "
"And
I told you it may not be the right time."
"You
also said that three months ago, Captain. We cannot protect him any
longer."
"Tuvok..."
"The
truth."
Kathryn
rose to her feet, and went to stand near the viewport.
It was
so difficult. Chakotay would be devastated if he knew what really happened that
day. No, she couldn't tell him. In her bottom drawer lay the personal PADD Seven
had left for her. It gnawed at her for months. No one knew, and her silence had
been left to eat away at her while on the outside she had to present a Captain
who also took charge of the primary care of Seven's baby.
She turned to look at Tuvok. He remained where he was, his expression as impassive as always. He had bowed to her
command the first time he made her aware of the results of the shuttle crash
investigations. No one else had seen the results - they were encrypted and logged in Tuvok's official reports,
and with hers.
She
pictured Seven of Nine, hours before she and Dillinger left on that fateful
mission. Seven had looked austere, again like in the old days on Voyager and not
the open, flexible, and more animated being who had been Chakotay's wife for
three years. She should have seen it then. Only, Seven had convinced her the
mission would not endanger her, Dillinger or her unborn child. Yet, there was
something in Seven's demeanour that day, something Kathryn couldn't put her
finger on. Seven had never been devious, never known lies and deceit and didn't
live her newly experienced humanity by those codes. She was artless. Her own
decision to send Seven had been made, despite the fact that there had been that
tiny sliver of doubt about Seven's motives. She had dismissed the austereness,
the unnatural glint in Seven's eyes...
The
accident, Dillinger and Seven's death - she had found forgiveness difficult. She
should have known. That was what plagued her mercilessly the last three months.
Kathryn
remembered B'Elanna's words. "Seven only wanted the baby for one
reason."
Were
B'Elanna's words the sentiment of the crew? She hadn't wanted to pursue any
thoughts on what B'Elanna said to her, hadn't wanted to entertain the
unthinkable again. Seven and Chakotay made a beautiful little angel. The mother
died without ever seeing the result of her union with her husband. Nothing could
be more terrible than that. She shook her head. No, she couldn't do it to
Chakotay, not to her best friend, soon to be husband.
"Tuvok,
let me decide when the moment is right, will you?" she said softly, cursing
herself for sounding like she pleaded with her Chief of Security.
"You
will be married to Commander Chakotay, Captain. There should be no deceit within
a marriage."
"I
know. But this will shatter him, you understand?"
"I
understand only that a man will not die from hearing the truth. But I shall
honour your wishes, Captain."
"I
appreciate that."
"Then,
Captain, tonight at 1700 hours, I shall conduct the ceremony."
"Thank
you, Tuvok."
She
picked up the PADD containing the damning evidence and handed it back to Tuvok.
"When
the time is right, as you said, Captain."
********
End Part eight