PART NINE

Over the next few months Carina blossomed in the care of her parents. She had finally been weaned off the breast and had taken albeit a little reluctantly, to being bottle-fed. Chakotay couldn't stop being awed by how his daughter had taken naturally to Kathryn as if Kathryn herself had given birth to the child.

He had been too out of it those first few days to notice how Carina had bonded with her new mother, and while she had been eager to be in the arms of other crewmembers, liking B'Elanna and Mariah, Samantha and Marla Gilmore, it was always her mother she wanted, squealing happily whenever Kathryn fetched her from the nursery. Sometimes he fetched Carina and when she saw her mother, would pitch out of his arms to be with her.

It didn't surprise him that Kathryn once again determined the parameters for their union. They shared a joined quarters, but never slept together. It was what she wanted and he couldn't blame her. He had disappointed her too deeply after New Earth. Also, she was convinced his proposal was made only so he could get Carina to stop crying.

But she wanted Carina. He couldn't miss that in the way she cared for the baby. It was natural, unforced and enjoyable. Kathryn loved Carina, and now that they were married, she had given full vent to that love, where before he had always been too aware of the fact that she was just doing him a favour and that she was holding back on her affection for the child.

It burned him up inside when he watched them. Carina was making baby sounds and reveled being with two people who loved her. It settled the peace in him too, though there were times that Kathryn's eyes darkened with something she remembered, or when she gave him a long penetrating look that he couldn't figure what she was thinking. He had never intruded, never wanted to ask her if something was wrong.

In a sense, they were happy. They had fallen quite easily onto their old familiarity of dining together, teasing, laughing. Many nights she had come over to his side of their joined quarters and they studied reports into the early hours of the morning. It was thrilling, enervating and challenging. He realised how much he missed that when still married to Seven, and Kathryn had been extremely tactful then of never intruding. All their long evenings when looking over reports and comparing notes were done either in the boardroom or her ready room and sometimes, in Kathryn's quarters. Now, they did it in the comfort of their quarters.

And Seven... Chakotay sighed.  

It wasn't something he wished to broadcast. Despite his assurances, she could never be fully convinced that they were only studying reports in her ready room or her quarters. In that respect, she was just a woman, his wife, who resented Kathryn's position as his colleague, his superior, and most importantly, his closest friend. Seven would become impassive for days, until his own insistent passion whittled down her resentment.

No one had seen it, and Seven, able to adapt to any situation, had learned very quickly to disguise her feelings towards Kathryn Janeway. He had been unwilling for months before Seven's death, to admit that something was wrong. Seven had wanted a baby.  He wanted to wait. Until now, watching Kathryn with Carina, he could never explain why he wanted to wait with Seven.

Suddenly, a conversation burst upon him, coming to him from years ago when he had been stranded with Kathryn on New Earth.

"So tell me again what it was you told Paris that day after we rescued the two of you."

He must have asked Kathryn that question a hundred times. And Kathryn, bless her, always responded with a lift of the eyebrow, humouring him greatly. There was always an underlying seriousness though.

"I thought of having children, just not with you."

"You want to be a mother one day? Do you think I could make good daddy material? For your little girl?"

And her reply, always:

"Guilty on all counts, Commander."

The sun had been behind her and her hair shone golden bronze. Her look had been teasing, then serious. The next moment she had dived into the rock pool. He had followed her, caught up quickly and then made her stand in his arms, almost neck deep in water.

"I'd like that, Kathryn Janeway. I'd like that very much..."

Life, Chakotay decided, never dealt one the cards one wanted.

He had to play with what he got. He remembered Tom Paris's words, "Life stinks, Chakotay, but you can still play a winning hand..."

Kathryn was not to be for him. Voyager came and collected. It did more than that. It killed Kathryn, turned her into an efficient leader who put away the fun and games and laughter of New Earth. His yearning, the old, old desideratum that kept him alive, dimmed. If he were truthful, it never went away. He only very successfully sublimated it, got on with his life and fell for the one woman whose eyes lit up with pathetic eagerness because he took notice of her. He had a good life with Seven.

It wasn't perfect.

Seven of Nine realised it. Striving for perfection, even in their marriage, she realised that being human came with many, many frailties. And so she wanted a child, because she thought it would make things right.

Or perfect.

The pill of that realisation was as hard as it was bitter.

Kathryn with Carina was perfect.

Funny how, try as he might, he couldn't picture Seven of Nine with Carina, even when Seven was alive. He was happy that they were pregnant, but he was happy for her. 

*

It was morning, and Chakotay was in Kathryn's quarters watching her feed Carina who was sitting in her high chair and banging her own little spoon on the tray.

"You have great patience with her, Kathryn," he said. She looked up, a little distracted.

"You work with her in the evening, Chakotay. I'd say you're the one with patience."

The pleasure spread through him.

"Chakotay..."

"What is it?"

"It's Carina's birthday next week."

"I thought it best if we didn't celebrate, Kathryn..."

"I understand."

He thought he heard a soft sigh escape her.

"It's not what you think."

"What was I thinking, Chakotay?"

"We're in hostile space, in case you didn't notice," he said, by way of explanation.

"Then, as soon as we're out? A belated little celebration, perhaps?"

"That's fine with me. Kathryn..."

She looked up just after wiping Carina's mouth and lifting her out of the chair.

"What is it?"

He sighed. Some evenings, he watched her while she slept, wondering at the way she sometimes murmured his name.

"No, it's nothing."

****

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

Chakotay looked on indulgently as Carina torpedoed towards them in the nursery. Her hair had grown long and it fanned about her as she moved. Kathryn bent down; laughing and waving, Carina hurtled into her and almost threw her off balance.

"Oh, sweetie, did you miss me?"

"Mommy!"

And Daddy? Carina gave her father a glance.

"Dadda!"

Chakotay hugged mother and daughter and kissed Carina.

"She's been very good today, Commander," Marla Gilmore said as she held the hand of Owen junior who wanted to rush towards them too.

"Come on, out with it, Marla. What happened today?"

Marla gave a sigh and smiled sheepishly.

"Uh...she got into two fights, Commander. But you said that if - "

"That's okay, Marla. We're not going to run to the nursery every time Carina punches Owen."

"Or Owen punches her," Kathryn added drily.

"Well, whoever's on duty tomorrow will have a hard time, Captain."

"Don't worry, the parents will pop in from time to time. B'Elanna will be here shortly, then you can have a well-earned rest."

"Oh no, Captain! I have violin practice with Itzhak Perlman..."

"Who?" Chakotay asked.

"Great violinist of the 20th century," Marla replied, blushing a little.

"Well, enjoy your practice session then."

When they were in the corridor, Kathryn berated him.

"You know she trains with Itzhak Perlman in the holodeck, Chakotay..."

"You know me when I tease. She's so eager to do well, Kathryn."

"Yes...yes, she is, isn't she?"

Kathryn had suddenly become pensive, not noticing how Carina was pulling her hair or planting moist kisses on her cheek. He knew she was thinking of the hard time she had given Marla, Noah Lessing and the others during the Equinox incident. He touched her shoulder, glad that she didn't flinch.

"You did well, Kathryn," he said softly.

"I had you to pull me in line. Thank you."

He was gratified by her response. Meanwhile, Carina found Kathryn's row of rank pips too interesting as she tried to remove them.

"No, sweetie, you can't demote Mommy..."

"Mine!"

"You're thinking what I'm thinking?" Kathryn asked him, her mood a little lighter.

"Just remember, Captain, she saw you first before she saw me. I'm but a poor second in the role-model stakes."

"She's only eighteen months. Be patient."

But Chakotay couldn't help notice how Kathryn's eyes lit up. Did she ever have any idea how much she adored Carina, and how his compliment made her bask? Once inside the cabin, she put Carina down and allowed the child to run around the lounge. Carina made a beeline for her toys in Kathryn's room. Kathryn stood watching until Carina vanished into her bedroom.

He sighed. It was now eighteen months since Seven's death. Carina knew only one mother and he wanted to be more than just a trophy Kathryn sported at functions or when dignitaries came on board or they went to homeworlds for official engagements. Sometimes she caught him watching her and he could feel the warmth creeping to his cheeks. At others, he caught her watching him, then look away quickly as if she were ashamed of  letting him see that she was vulnerable. The tell-tale blush was enough to convince him that Kathryn was changing towards him. Most nights in recent months he woke up in a sweat, dreaming he was in bed with Kathryn or that they were making love.

One night he heard her whimpering in her sleep. Carina had been ten months old then. He had wondered what to do, then on impulse lifted the baby out of the crib and placed her next to her mother. Kathryn's arm had gone instinctively round the body of the still sleeping baby. Even in sleep, Kathryn was careful, not squashing the child. Carina had also wormed herself deeper in her mother's arms and Chakotay had stood a long time just watching mother and daughter.

Out of nowhere it seemed to him, came the urge to touch Kathryn and he leaned over to caress her cheek. It felt warm and incredibly soft to the touch. Kathryn had moved only slightly, but she murmured his name in her sleep.

"Are you going to stand there dreaming, Chakotay?" Kathryn's voice came through the fog of his meandering thoughts.

Her hair was slightly mussed from Carina's tampering, and she had not bothered to smooth it like she always did. He reached out and touched it. It was silky soft as he let the strands run through his fingers. Did her eyes grow warm? Did he hear a soft sound like the holding of breath? He couldn't tell, for the next moment, drawn irresistibly to the parted lips and the breathing that seemed to wait for something, he lowered his head to kiss her. 

It was a light touch, a tentative exploration lest she jumped away from him. But Kathryn's lips were warm and soft under his as he increased the pressure. Emboldened, he rested his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer, hearing how she moaned when her lips opened under his. The heat seared through him. A little gasp escaped just before he plunged her mouth, warm and moist from their mingling breath. He groaned when Kathryn's arms went round his neck and for several seconds, intoxicated by her smell, her nearness and the feel of her lips under his, images of New Earth came to him. Kathryn laughing; Kathryn running from him and he chasing her; Kathryn naked in their rock pool. Kathryn's lips warm and pliant under his...

A second only he took time to breathe, to break contact. Her eyes were glowing, like a cat's, and her lips were very red and soft as if all the blood in her body rushed there. Something burned behind his eyelids, a long forgotten and suddenly remembered vision of Kathryn free, without reserve, their friendship in place and their loving part of that friendship.

"Oh, spirits, Kathryn..."

His thumbs caressed her damp cheeks; she melted into him and gave another groan . He was aroused and didn't care anymore. He wanted her as badly as he had always wanted her. His hands caught her hair and he pulled her head back and burned kisses in her neck.

"Chakotay..."

Then, suddenly, Kathryn broke contact and backed away. He stood bereft. Far-off he could hear Carina's chattering. There was a buzz in his ears.

"Kathryn?"

"No...no, this can't be..." she whispered.

"We're married, Kathryn. It's normal..."

"I - not now, Chakotay." Kathryn turned quickly away from him, smoothing down her hair, her uniform, escaping into her bedroom. He followed her there and found her sitting head in her hands on her bed. Carina, too happy to play with her toys, kept herself busy chattering to Flotter. Sitting down beside Kathryn, he placed his arm carefully round her shoulder. When she didn't demur, he pulled her closer to him.

"This - this has gone on long enough, don't you think?" he asked softly.

"What, the non-participation in the marriage bed?"

He sighed. He wanted to remind her it was her rule.

"Everything, Kathryn. Everything except the love we show our daughter. We have great accord as far as Carina is concerned."

"It's why I married you, isn't it?"

He swore under his breath, the action causing Kathryn to get up quickly and put distance between them.

"The only condition you lay down when we married, Kathryn, was that we don't share a bed. Fine. I understand that. But how long did you plan to be Carina's mother? Till we got home? Till she was old enough to understand that her real mother died when she was born?"

"Chakotay, I - "

"I thought this was something we could work at, that even as the conditions still stand - yours, by the way - it would be a permanent arrangement..."

"That's exactly what this is, Chakotay. An arrangement."

This time her let out a soft curse. "It's becoming ridiculous. Once we had something, Kathryn, something very real and meaningful. We - we can have that again."

"I've put off..." He saw her hesitation. "Look, I know you don't love me - "

A heavy silence ensued. A timeless moment in which Kathryn's words hung like water drops about to be released with aching slowness until finally, unable to hold on to the boughs, they faced the inevitable plunge to earth. Chakotay swallowed hard before he found his voice.

"What did you say?"

"And then...something else. Maybe that's why I..." Another pregnant pause. "Something I should have told you at the time it happened. It is about Seven and the accident - "

The intrusion when it came, almost made Chakotay swear loudly again.

"Bridge to Janeway." Tuvok's voice sounded placid, even.

"Janeway here. Go ahead, Commander."

"We've picked up the presence of five vessels on our long range sensors, Captain."

"I'm on my way."

"Captain."

"Tuvok?"

"We're in Grenorian space..."

"I know. Hell..."

Kathryn gave Chakotay a pained look, then moved quickly towards the door of her cabin.

"Chakotay, see that the children are prepared for the emergency." He rushed after her to the door.

"Kathryn, wait! What were you going to say about Seven?"

But Kathryn was gone and Carina had started crying.

************ 

End Part nine

Part ten

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