IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay.
PART
TEN
I am in my own private hell. I regret so many things that all of them have coalesced into one swirling miasma of pain from which I am now convinced, I shall never ever be free. I have nothing to protect me. I have only my own ability as captain of Voyager to lead me, protected by four rank pips which shield me from the worst of the diatribes directed at me.
I say the worst, for only my uniform prevents anyone from crossing the line to the extent that Sarah Hargreaves has done. Still, what they are doing is more than enough to keep me in my hell with no one to support me or to comfort me.
Since the night after the poisoning, Chakotay has not spoken with me again about the baby, about the coming birth, about anything except work. For the baby's sake I have kept all our meetings in the ready room and even when we stayed late, never mentioned anything personal, made no reference to the child whom I have already come to know in my heart and mind as Elizabeth.
Most of the crew reports I am now doing myself in the privacy of my quarters which had been breached by none other than Sarah Hargreaves herself. I still run cold at the thought that she could carry out her threats so far and with so much cruelty. Did anyone know this young lady at all? I wonder.
Pause personal log.
Kathryn sighed as she paused in her writing, a unable to shake off the feverishness of the last few weeks. She was spoiling for something, but going to the EMH was another mission in diplomacy of defending her actions.
Seven of Nine had knocked on her door two nights after the poison incident.
"Seven, what brings you here? You have a good two hours to regenerate…"
"It is imperative that I show you this."
She frowned as she took the PADD from Seven, indicating at the same time that the former Borg seat herself on the couch.
She read it through before she showed any reaction, simply looking up at Seven.
"You were always right. That first time when you came to my ready room… I couldn't change anything, you know. The procedure had already been completed."
"I know. I understand. I also understand that we inform Commander Tuvok of this."
"No!"
"Captain, with respect, the woman has herself been responsible for attempting to kill the infant. She was in here."
Kathryn sighed.
"Transported here in the early hours of the morning, no signature left. No residue of her DNA on my console."
"A clever move, Captain. But when you suspect someone from the start every act, however innocent, becomes suspect. It took me two days to find this."
"Thank you, Seven. I knew someone – Sarah – must have had something to do with this, and believe me, I have been so vigilant. I am still vigilant she might try something just as drastic. We're almost eight months…"
"I do not think she'll try anything at this point, Captain, but I am still concerned. She has alienated you from your people."
"It's the price I must pay. I don't mind telling you this, Seven. I've been battling to stay one step ahead of her in case she tried anything. The poisoning was the last. But…" Kathryn sighed again. "It cost me."
"They see you as heartless. They do not know."
She nodded, glad that Seven of Nine was on her side, glad that there was someone who understood what was happening and who also understood that any move she made could cost the life of a child. She wanted her baby so much. So much! Now, at eight months, she had never touched Sarah, never felt the baby's kicking, never talked to anyone. She couldn't talk to anyone.
"Thank you, Seven. I shall keep this safe here."
"I am not the only one."
"What?"
"Who is on your side."
She gave a mirthless laugh. They have labelled her a witch. Voyager scuttlebutt saw to it that things came back to her. She was cold and heartless, giving away her child just like that. What mother would give away her baby? She didn't have any feelings, and never gave Sarah Hargreaves the time of day. Sarah who had been so sweet in inviting her to sleep in her quarters so she can room in with her and feel baby's movements.
She knew the talk. Even B'Elanna, also almost eight months pregnant, couldn't keep from condemning her actions. Tom… Tom always looked uncertain when B'Elanna went for the jugular.
Who could be on her side? The one person she longed to be by her side and be on her side deserted her, choosing to believe another person. She had become insulated in her own isolation, preferring most nights to brood in her quarters, liking the darkness more and more and more.
"I cannot imagine anyone being on my side. Tuvok is too dispassionate, too logical and would make any deductions based on that alone. His response would be that he concurred a misdemeanour had taken place. Since Captain Janeway had consistently denied the existence of her child, it follows naturally that – "
"Captain Janeway!"
Seven's strident voice rocked her up.
"I'm sorry. Forgive me. But at this point it no longer matters…"
"You will see them, Captain. Do not worry. They are there. They have not fallen for the woman's lies and deceit."
"That makes me feel so much better."
"Tomorrow night, Velocity?"
Annika Hansen was good for her frayed nerves.
"You're on!"
Kathryn gave a deep sigh as she thought of that conversation with Seven. She looked down at the PADD, her eyes hollow.
"Resume personal log."
I now have evidence that Sarah Hargreaves tampered with her replicator. An unauthorised site to site transport to my quarters had been discovered after Seven of Nine had investigated the incident. It would have gone undetected since blame had already been apportioned to the captain. Showing that to Tuvok or Chakotay would serve no purpose. Chakotay has already decided on his alliance and any way of trying to bring this to light would endanger my baby's chance of survival.
The crew have decided to have a baby shower for Sarah. I note with some regret and pain that they don't speak of "baby shower for the Captain." I heard that Chakotay has been spending a lot of time in Sarah's quarters, massaging her back and being a general support. They are very friendly, I've heard. They are seen together more often now in public. Sarah beams and Chakotay is the ever expectant father, his arms always around the ensign's shoulders.
It pains me but what can I do? The baby shower, not surprisingly, does not include the captain.
End personal log.
**************
In the privacy of her quarters she had been looking at the database at baby things. Pretty pink crawlers, sleepers with feet, tiny woollen caps and mitts, soft toys. Next to her lay the gold embossed leather-bound journal she had started soon after Sarah Hargreaves visited her quarters and demanded she leave Chakotay alone.
Every few days an entry, even when she felt particularly harassed by Chakotay or Sarah or a member of the crew. She began to talk to her baby, outlining the circumstances of her birth, why she as a mother had been unable to carry her child beyond a few months, give birth to her. Then all the little things she thought a growing daughter might need and find comfort in when talking to her for real. Words of solace, words of caution, words of wisdom.
But mostly, words of love.
The gold embossed words read:
For Elizabeth
from Kathryn Janeway.
She caressed the book. It was quite thick, and only a third of the way full. One day, her daughter might read it, long after her mother had died.
The sudden attack of self-pity lasted only a second before she berated herself. Yet she felt weepy, brooding in the darkness. She had thought of drowning her sorrows in a bottle of cognac, but thought how Chakotay turned up that first time and all it left her was untold misery.
She shifted abruptly, got up and fled to her bedroom. On the bed lay Elizabeth's gift. She picked it up with great care and held the rosewood music box with its mother-of-pearl inlay of flowers to the light from the bed panel. On an impulse she lifted the lid. Instantly music began to play – an old nineteenth century Earth divertimento.
Kathryn closed her eyes. A scene in her ready room with Chakotay, only yesterday. Her words tentative, his...
"Chakotay, I know the crew are having a baby shower for - for the baby. Is it okay if I gave something?"
Her heart had been pounding. She was taking an almighty risk. But this time, she decided that she would risk all by transporting Sarah instantly to the sickbay and demand that the EMH deliver the baby should Sarah get suicidal again.
"It's no longer your child, Kathryn, but I'll have to ask B'Elanna and the others first. They're throwing the shower."
She felt how the colour left her.
No
longer your baby…
"You want their permission? Chakotay, once a die-hard Maquis who took action first and no nonsense?"
"You know they don't like it, Kathryn. I'm only saving you further embarrassment and hurt."
She had risen from her chair, walked round the desk and had looked up in his face, her lips quivering, her eyes moist with need.
"Please...she's my little baby, Chakotay. Show me some mercy. I have never touched her, never felt her fluttering, her movement, seen her heartbeat - "
"Ask the doctor if you want to look at it."
She was the captain. She didn't have to ask the doctor. The times she had looked, he had been offline. It had been the only connection she ever had.
"I don't have to ask him, you know that. But please, just this one gift..."
"Listen to me, Kathryn Janeway. They don't want you there, get that? You have caused enough trouble."
"You don't even want what I want to give my baby?"
"I said – "
"Yes. I should remember that. It's not my baby anymore. But grant me this…please."
"I don't think Sarah will accept anything from you."
"How can you be so heartless?"
"Don't preach to me about being heartless, Captain. You know what you've done is beyond heartless and indifference, beyond cruelty. It was unforgivable. Now you want to beg – "
"Stop it. Stop it, Chakotay, before I change my opinion of you forever. I counted on your goodness, your sense of fairness, your honour and your compassion. If I expected anything at all, it wasn't this…this total rejection of my request. Maybe I don't deserve your compassion; maybe I don't deserve your love, but couldn't you at least grant me just this one thing?"
He had the grace to blush, but his cheeks appeared more flamed with anger than anything else. He was never going to forgive her. He would never know the truth about Sarah Hargreaves. He would never understand that what he saw as her callousness and disinterest and murderous intent, was trying to save the life of their child. There was nothing she could do.
"Kathryn, there's nothing I can do. Nothing I want to do. I'm sorry. I can't see beyond what you've done to my daughter. I don't think I ever can…"
She had dropped away from him, returned to her position behind her desk, straightened her shoulders and refused to cave in.
"Fine. As you wish."
"Kathryn…"
"Dismissed, Commander."
"Oh, Kathryn..."
"Get out, Chakotay."
When the ready room door had closed behind him, she had collapsed into her chair and remained gasping for a long time until she became calm again. The rosewood music box was deep gloss with mother-of-pearl floral inlay on the lid and the sides. In contained compartments for jewellery and a ring holder. She had been five years old when her mother had given it to her. An old man living in Mexico had done the carving of the mother of pearl flowers and inlays and set its music. Later, when Phoebe turned five, Gretchen had given her a music box as well.
Chakotay and Sarah.
They had turned down her gift for Elizabeth.
Kathryn put the box away again and was about to prepare her dinner, knowing that the crew were busy in the observation lounge with the baby shower, when her door chimed. She hadn't expected anyone, and Seven of Nine was the only one who visited her in her quarters these days.
"Enter."
In the doorway stood Lieutenant Ayala. Kathryn frowned as he stepped forward and the doors closed behind him.
"Captain Janeway, I - I hope you don't mind - "
"Lieutenant Ayala, aren't you supposed to be at the baby shower?"
"I decided not to go. I came to bring you this," he replied, and only now she noticed that he had been standing hands behind his back, bringing forth a package.
"My birthday was in May. It's November, Lieutenant."
"Captain, please. If you don't take this now, I'm afraid I might lose courage and run out before you've taken it."
Kathryn took the package.
"And, it's for the baby."
She was still for a full three or four seconds. Her insides burned; a dam in her threatened to burst its walls.
"Wrong. You have come to the wrong place, Lieutenant."
"It's your baby, Captain. I don't care what the others say. About you."
She could have hugged Ayala for his loyalty. She sat down on the couch while Ayala remained standing. She fumbled to open the package, larger than she actually imagined. The wrapping fell away as she lifted the garment of softest white satin and lace. The wrapping fell to the floor, but she didn't notice it as she held the garment - lay it across her lap really.
"A - A christening robe?"
"My wife and I - we have two sons and we would very much have loved to have a baby girl."
Her eyes remained moist, burning with unshed tears.
"They won't let me see her."
"I know," he said on a sigh. "I don't agree with much of what they accuse you of. I am sure you had your reasons, Captain. I respect them for I can see, as those of us who empathise with you can also see, that you would really want to be part of the process, which is being denied you. It is unfair."
Kathryn thought how she told Chakotay the very words. She shrugged, feeling helpless, then bent down to pick up the wrapping.
"Lieutenant, I don't think I will have the honour of dressing my child in this utterly exquisite garment. I have told Chakotay that he has full custody of the child - "
"I know. I don't care. You hold on to that, Captain. More gifts will be coming to you, even if you never have the opportunity to put it to use - "
"The thought that counts. This beautiful gift is a symbol of your loyalty to me and your understanding of my plight. There's more to this than meets the eye, Lieutenant."
"I know that too. I'd like to kill someone, but then you'd have to lock me in the brig the rest of our journey home."
Kathryn smiled for the first time. Ayala, Chakotay's friend, a Maquis like him, coming to her defence and wanting to murder Chakotay.
"Thank you. I appreciate it. Very much." She gave a soft sob. "You don't know how much."
"You're welcome."
The door chimed again and Kathryn gave him a quizzical look.
"Another visitor, Lieutenant?"
"Let's see, shall we?" Ayala said, smiling as he looked at the door.
She nodded, then commanded, "Enter."
By the time they had all walked through her door, she counted ten crew, including Seven of Nine. They all carried gifts. Her heart wanted to burst with a mixture of pride and sadness. Her eyes became moist again.
"Greetings, Captain," said Chell, the Bolian. "From all of us. We decided one would cover for all and not repeat 'Greetings, Captain' ten times over, and I have been honoured with the task. So, Greet - "
"Chell!"
"Yes, sweet Golwat?"
"You always did talk too much."
Kathryn sat, dumbfounded by the little party's entrance and friendliness, unable to return their greeting. She nodded, feeling how she wanted to choke with deep emotion. She had been so alone the last months. So alone...
The group didn't wait for her, but simply seated themselves around her, even on the floor, sitting on scatter cushions. There was an atmosphere of warmth, welcoming her into their company. She was their captain, and who knew, tomorrow they might face extreme dangers again in which her ship would be damaged and they'd spend weeks just repairing her. But this moment was theirs in which they showered her with their presence, their affection. She brought her hand up and gripped Marla's shoulder in answering gratitude, nodded to Ayala and then touched everyone of them. Her palm rested against Seven's cheek the longest, and she thought that she would always remember how Seven had been her most ardent supporter.
"We decided to hold our own shower here, for you, Captain," said Seven of Nine. "I have determined that it is an old Earth tradition."
Ten pairs of eyes were on her, if she didn't count Ayala who had seated himself on the floor next to Mariah Henley.
She noted with some sadness that most of them were crew who came on board Voyager, Maquis who struggled to fit in. Others who, through her own struggles to come to terms with what happened with Ransom, fought to find closure with Lessing, with Marla Gilmore. Chell was there too, and Dalby and Gerron.
"Thank you, all of you. I know I'll probably never have the joy of sharing this with my baby, but you have made my heart lighter tonight. I - "
Her throat felt thick. Words that were in her head refused to find their path to them. She closed her eyes, not minding that they witnessed her sorrow.
"It's alright, Captain," Marla said softly, touching her hand. "We understand. And we know that you have virtually signed away your baby to Commander Chakotay and Sarah."
She showed her shock that they knew this.
"Sarah is very sweet, as we all know. But it hides a devious, malicious spirit. She has told everyone you have formally given your baby to them."
"I should kill Chakotay. I think I'll go now."
Dalby pulled Ayala back.
"Pretty soon that is going to be my pleasure," he told his old friend. "The man is a sucker for devious women. It's as if he never learned from his experience with that foolish Seska. Captain, you have our full support..."
"There are reasons you have done this, Captain," Marla spoke again. "I am so sorry that you have to bear such a burden."
"You were once in the hydroponics bay, Captain. You didn't see me. I saw your sadness and I knew that you were hurting over your child," Noah said. "That was enough for me to know that much of what has happened in the last months was not of your own choosing."
And so they talked, quietly, calmly, sometimes laughing over an anecdote Chell was telling them, Golwat who gently chided that he was again dominating proceedings, that he should give someone else the chance to speak.
She opened their gifts. Exquisite items, some of clothing, others of leather bound books of fairytales. Kathryn was suitably and totally surprised at their generosity, especially their generosity of spirit, their capacity to forgive without asking the nature of the transgression. Dalby and Ayala and Mariah had walked to her replicator, used their own rations to replicate food and drink for all of them. Their time together filled her with the infinite joy that she wasn't alone after all.
No one spoke of Chakotay or Sarah Hargreaves, but they all spoke of the coming baby as if she herself was going to give birth to it. They asked if they could touch her stomach and imagine they could feel the baby's movements, and she happily agreed, after which each in turn rested with awed wonder a palm against her and some even held their heads close to her, passing on to the baby words of wisdom, words of caution, words of love. Someone ordered music and when another complained the baby might not like jazz, selected Vulcan music instead; which created another round of complaints. Eventually, she settled for Saint Saëns's "The Swan" and the beautiful, haunting sound of the violin filled the room. They nodded their heads and decided the baby would probably want to be a dancer one day.
So she overcame another hurdle in the saga of the coming of the child. She had taken their gifts and placed them on her bed with the music box, to be stored later in the small chest she had brought with her on Voyager almost seven years ago.
**************
END PART TEN