IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay.
PART FOURTEEN
Kathryn sat on the seat in the bay window and watched as Chakotay became smaller in the distance. When it seemed that he had vanished completely, dressed in a snowy white anorak, the only indication that he was still there was his movement as he stood up. Had he been down, then? she wondered.
They had been here three days, and every day Chakotay had gone outside, braving the cold, the frosty air that bit through the warmest clothing. She had wanted to go after him, but after the first day when he returned hours later, she had been glad. It would have been folly to venture it out in the cold. She was still coughing persistently, something which Doctors Paris and Robert cautioned and chastised her about. She had to be careful. The bronchitis and pneumonia would recur and debilitate her like it did in the last weeks.
The dog had whined and howled at the front door after Chakotay left that first day and she had been forced to let Missy go after him. Missy didn't just want to be outside. She got enough exercise just running about the house, it seemed. But her dog had switched alliances and latched on to Chakotay the minute he set foot in the house. After that, Missy followed Chakotay everywhere.
She sighed. Missy was no longer her dog. She belonged firmly to Chakotay who couldn't seem to disengage himself from the dog anyway. She was glad, but also, filled with apprehension that he would leave soon, as soon as she had recovered completely.
She had told him her story at the hospital. She had been so weak then and the first parts had left her exhausted, after which she slept again for hours. When she opened her eyes, Chakotay was always there. Sometimes Elizabeth was with him and then the child would smile happily as she snuggled up to her in the bed and lay close to her.
"My mommy..." Elizabeth would say, repeating the mantra of the first day.
Kathryn learned from Chakotay that Elizabeth always called Sarah by her name, as she had been instructed to. It was sad, she thought. Most children's first words were 'mama' or 'papa', and her daughter missed having that vital link with Sarah. It seemed that when Sarah couldn't get Chakotay after all, she lost interest in the child. It was ironic, and also a testimony to Chakotay's memory of their night of love and loving.
"I couldn't forget what we shared, Kathryn," he told her. "And Sarah and I had an agreement. She would help raise Elizabeth to her third year, be a mother to her, then she could go and do as she wished. She - " He had paused and Kathryn saw how his knuckles turned white at the memory. She hadn't wanted to press him, but he had laboured through his remorse and shame to continue speaking. "She never held Elizabeth like that day I saw you hold her in the holodeck... She had been expecting me to marry her, but I had no plans to marry. And not her anyway. She ...was really what I asked her to be: a surrogate. I was very thankful for that, eternally grateful, but Kathryn, she played on my emotions as well. Only, she couldn't get me into bed."
She had been lying in bed, and Elizabeth had been asleep in her own room. Chakotay had sat on the bed next to her, holding her hand, caressing the back of it. Her heart had raced that first night, sick as she still was, her breathing raspy and shallow. He had lifted her up so that she rested against him. She felt his hand pressing her head closer, the old wonder of being in his arms overwhelming her. It was good to feel close to him again. She had had so precious little affection after that first night of love. She had given a moan of contentment.
Kathryn wasn't certain of a future for them, but he had given his commitment that they would raise Elizabeth together now. For that she was grateful. She had missed her baby like her very breath, every day for three years.
Living was getting up in the morning, going to her office at Starfleet Headquarters, work, lecture, go back to the office, come to Indiana at weekends. There was no purpose to her life, for her reason to live it fully and exuberantly and with joyful celebration was no longer there. There was no Chakotay whom she loved with all her heart, or Elizabeth who was her very heart. That was gone, and in a sense, she had no heart left.
Now her heart was full and would overflow if Chakotay could find rest again.
What she knew of what happened later on Dorvan came to her in little titbits of information from him. Like the previous night when they talked. His sister helped him care for their child, his sister who had two little boys herself and had her hands full raising them alone. Elizabeth adored kittens.
"She started walking when she was eleven months old."
"And when did her first teeth sprout?" she had asked, thriving on hearing everything about their child.
"First tooth at six months. She said "papa" quite early too."
She had been breathless with joy, unable to keep her eyes off the sleeping child. In fact, her joy had been so great that she had a slight relapse. Chakotay had been prepared by Doctors Robert and Paris and was ready with a hypospray to calm her.
"F-forgive me," she had stammered. "Elizabeth...I'm learning so much of her. She is adorable..."
"And her father too stupid to come back to Earth after Sarah couldn't fulfil her end of the bargain."
"Oh, Chakotay, don't torment yourself so. We're together now, all three of us. I'm the one who...screwed up."
"Now who is tormenting herself now?" he had asked, the old smile back in his eyes and the sombreness of the moment somewhat relieved.
"Fine. I'm ready for coffee."
"Oh, no, you're not. Doctor Paris said you might as well go off it completely."
"Doctor Paris... Tom's mother. She's a wonderful woman..."
"I know. She was instrumental in your recovery."
Kathryn had sighed and soon she drifted off to sleep and when she woke again, found that Chakotay had taken Elizabeth to her room. He was sitting on the bed next to her again and holding her hand. There had been warmth in his eyes, a certain awareness that soon they could rekindle their passion. He had leaned forward and she had been unable to resist the pressure of his hands against her shoulders, his lips touching hers gently. Then he had straightened up again, the fire in his eyes, but a fire tempered by what she thought his own demons of guilt, his uncertainty that she would reject him. He rose with a sigh, said "goodnight", then quietly left her room.
He slept in the guest room and she was glad of that. It was too soon, too much to absorb that her vacuum of three years was suddenly filled with the two most precious people in her world. She needed time to adjust. She needed time to undo in her tormented mind her anguish, her despair of three years that was no longer there. She need time to reflect that it was over. And most importantly, she needed time to enjoy her little girl, and allow Chakotay to do what he needed to do right now.
Walking into the distance and contemplating his life and what he told her, his unpardonable treatment of her. He had been a good listener the last week, but also one who had become increasingly anguished as more and more of what she had suffered in the Cardassian prison at the hands of Cardassian butchers and soldiers and on Voyager, at his hands, came to be known to him. She could see how realisation dawned that all of his outrage, his righteous indignation at her decisions were spent on her without ever thinking that there could have been reasons for her actions and decisions, however insistent she had been about them. She could see him playing in his mind the many times he had challenged her head-on about decisions she had made for ship and crew and about the destiny of individuals. The one time she needed for him to challenge her, he allowed his indignation to get the better of him.
Chakotay's face had changed from the easy smile, the reassuring smile he had that first day, to pure agony. She could see it in his eyes. It was easier this time. On Voyager he had been inscrutable many times so that it was difficult to divine his emotions, his intentions and his motivation. All that bounced off him in those days on Voyager during those terrible nine months of hell was his anger and his outrage, his implacability not to believe her and trusting her.
It was so characteristic of Chakotay to wander off and meditate, though she wasn't certain that this time there would be a measure of peace for him. She never had peace herself no matter what she tried to attain that great, great feeling of contentment, that fulfilment, that nourishment of her battered soul. Why would it be different for him? On Voyager he had taken a shuttle from time to time to go off, far from ship and duty and people around him and meditate, find peace through his vision quests. Most times he would return and he'd be light again, full of renewed vigour and purpose and then their friendship blossomed even more because he was at peace with himself and the world around him.
Now it seemed, the cold, wintry frost and snow reflected as much of the emptiness and bitter anguish she knew he must endure. He would return later and still look restless. Then he'd spend a long time brushing Missy's coat, long sweeping strokes that never once became aggressive though she could swear in his mind a war raged. Much, much later he would sit next to her, or take Elizabeth to look at all the photos of her as a baby, the ones Mariah Henley-Hamilton had taken the day before they arrived home. Quietly he would point to each picture and the child would point to a picture and he'd explain to her something. Sometimes she heard Elizabeth say "and there's me 'n my Mommy". Kathryn doubted very much that the child could recognise herself at three weeks old, but after looking at so many pictures, Elizabeth was finally blending into her.
Then Chakotay would look at her again for long minutes without saying a word. Kathryn gave a soft sigh. They had both erred and in the process deprived their daughter of loving parents. But she was going to make up for it. Chakotay would commit himself to being there. Elizabeth loved her papa, as she called him, but now that she had two parents constantly around her, it was hard for her to make choices. It wasn't fair to her, but time would heal them all, of that she was sure now.
Her mother and stepfather had accompanied the three of them to Indiana. Elizabeth had been wary of Missy who panted about her. She had burst into tears and then had everyone clucking in sympathy when she ran to her Kathryn to be comforted. Kathryn had lifted her on her lap, the effort exhausting as she was still ill, but it was worthwhile cuddling her child and offering her comfort and reassurance.
"See? Missy wants to be your friend. She likes you..."
"She likes Papa."
Missy jumped up, planting her paws on Kathryn's lap. Kathryn had then gently encouraged the child to stroke Missy's head.
By now Elizabeth was comfortable with the dog around her, but it was her father who stole the dog's affection. They had seen the dog attaching herself to Chakotay and her mother had said succinctly, "All the women fall for him."
"Yes, so she does."
Later they had taken Elizabeth to the room Phoebe and her mother had prepared for her. Kathryn herself had been astounded at the change to her own childhood bedroom. In the last years she used the master bedroom, preferring the bigger room her parents had used. Light, airy was her former childhood sanctuary, the soft furnishing so typical for a child. There was an assortment of soft toys, colouring books, books of fairytales.
"This is your room, Elizabeth," Grandma Gretchen told her as she bent down to the child's height. "Your mommy slept here too."
The child nodded solemnly, turned to look for Chakotay and when she saw him, they could hear her give an audible sigh of relief. Then she walked about the room, touching a toy or lifting a book. She turned to her father who nodded before she sat down on the bed. Elizabeth clearly loved her father and now, she was fast becoming attached to her mother. When she smiled, her face became animated again.
"My room..."
"Oh, yes," she told her daughter. "You are going to live here."
"And Papa too?" Elizabeth asked, her eyes becoming fearful again. Kathryn hauled her into her arms.
"Of course, honey. You are going to have your mommy and your Papa here."
It had been a little voyage of discovery for Elizabeth to whom everything was new. She had lost some of her shyness, had not cried much again since the first day, when Gretchen told her how unsettled Elizabeth had been being thrown into new and unfamiliar surroundings. Elizabeth had eagerly made a beeline for the small bookshelf containing new books as well as the ones Kathryn had received from the small group who gave her a baby shower on Voyager. It had been a poignant moment for her because Chakotay's eyes had darkened when she explained that Mariah had given Elizabeth a collection of children's poems and Gerron had searched the database for Earth children's classics and presented her with Lewis Carroll's "Alive in Wonderland".
Kathryn had received a communication from Annika who would visit soon to see Elizabeth again. Marla Gilmore was now married to Magnus Rollins, who now commanded his own vessel. Marla, promoted to Lieutenant-Commander was appointed as her aide. She too, would arrive within the next few days as well as Mariah who had gained prominence as a photographer.
Kathryn sighed. Chakotay had vanished completely from sight now. She never asked where he walked to and it was quite possible that he meandered onto neighbouring properties. Perhaps it was too soon for her and Chakotay. Their night of lovemaking had been the closest they had come to being vulnerable to one another and even as they had confessed their feelings in those heady moments, the knowledge that they had still been far from home, that they had a duty to their ship and crew always weighed heavier than their passion and personal feelings. Then, when she fell pregnant, it changed Chakotay so much that it would take time to attain what they had before. She wasn't certain if they were still great friends anymore, something that had plunged her into the depths of despair in those nine months and the years after the birth of their baby. She knew how she felt; she dreamed now of recapturing the great friendship they had. Chakotay had been extremely attentive and caring and she basked in the tenderness he showed her, but was it enough for them both?
They had some hurdles to cross or mountains to climb. Their main objective now was to provide a stable environment for their daughter. She had taken leave – a whole three months due to her as she had never taken leave in the three years since their return. It was an ideal time to acquaint herself with Elizabeth, love her, care for her as she had dreamed so often of doing.
So a little reunion with some of the Voyager crew - those who were her supporters those terrible months - was something to be considered for much later. She didn't have to wonder what Chakotay thought about it. He had turned red when she mentioned a reunion.
"Is something the matter?" she had asked him, sensing that he was embarrassed.
"Dalby and Ayala beat me up one night after the baby was born. Told me I was a fool to let you go and to – to crucify you."
"They did?" she asked, still surprised that his closest friends had taken her side and not his.
"Kathryn, I can't tell you how sorry I am – "
She stilled him, pressed her fingers against his lips. She remembered saying those same words to him about her decision she made.
"I'd like to tell you to put this in the past, but it would be futile, wouldn't it?"
He nodded, closed his eyes, then pressing his lips against the palm of her hand. She had given a sigh. It wasn't going to be easy. Chakotay had always been such an honourable man and he felt that his behaviour to her was unforgivable.
Later that first day Phoebe had arrived with a large box.
"A little present for Elizabeth," she said. "I hear her middle name is Kathryn and her last name Janeway. Chakotay, I can kiss you, because I also heard that all the beatings you got were done by your former friends like Dalby and Ayala and Chell and Gerron, never mind that you didn't listen to them. It's a good thing they didn't kill you, otherwise, what would have happened to this sweet little thing?" And Phoebe bent lower and tilted her head in Elizabeth's direction. Then she looked at Chakotay. "Heard you were on Dalby's hit list. You're going to have a hard time winning them over. For not believing in my sister. Okay, rant over. Elizabeth, sweetie, this is for you..."
Kathryn and Chakotay could only stare open-mouthed at Phoebe - vibrant, absolute no-nonsense Phoebe who breezed in through the front door, her hood still full of snow flakes as she stomped her feet on the entrance hall floor, her cheeks red, and holding the travel box like a Santa bringing gifts.
Elizabeth gaped. Phoebe had opened the box and retrieved the most adorable, fluffy, silver Persian kitten who mewed her way straight into the little girl's heart and arms. Elizabeth turned to them, holding the kitten against her.
"Isn't she pretty, Elizabeth?" she asked.
He child just drew in her breath sharply.
"She's more familiar with cats, Phoebe," Chakotay said. "We have two on Dorvan. My sister is caring for them now."
"Then it's a good choice. Now, I suppose I have to go the kitchen and help myself." Phoebe gave Elizabeth a quick kiss on the cheek. "Tell your mommy you want a partner for your kitty."
"No!"
"Mommy, can I – "
"Elizabeth, honey, first you must look after this one, okay? Oh, you must give her a name."
"Like Mika and Isis?"
"Like Mika and Isis."
"Katie."
"But, Elizabeth, you already gave your teddy bear that name…"
Kathryn turned from the bay window to look where Elizabeth was sitting on a thick rug in front of the fireplace, playing with her kitten, with the teddy bear and other soft toys strewn about her. She was still a little shy; she was adjusting to having a family around her. Kathryn's mother and stepfather and Phoebe had been their only visitors. No one outside family visited yet as she desired some time alone with them first – Elizabeth and Chakotay. She had turned from death's door with her illness and was recovering at last. Chakotay had been with her all the time, explaining that he had already tied up some of his affairs on Dorvan and that he would take an appointment at Starfleet Academy. He wanted to be close to them and be present in their daughter's life.
Elizabeth played with Katie Kitten, and though a name like Scheherazade or Zaïde would have been more appropriate for a silver Persian, 'Katie' stuck, as 'Katie' had stuck on Katie Bear. She named all her toys 'Katie'. Tom had sent along a toy baby targ, which Elizabeth instantly dubbed Katie Targ.
B'Elanna had visited her once at the hospital. The meeting had been a difficult one. Not for her so much as it had been for B'Elanna who had been of the crew whose condemnation hit her the hardest. B'Elanna had confronted her straight out one evening in her quarters about her decision to abort her baby.
"I know what my baby is going to look like, Captain. She is gong to be all Klingon in appearance. It frightened me, thinking I would lose Tom. I wanted to change her appearance as you know. But Captain, there was never a time that I did not want my baby. I love her desperately because she is a part me and of Tom and I want to be there to see her grow into independence. How could you even think about taking away what is a part of Chakotay?"
That had been B'Elanna in her good mood. About the real bad days when B'Elanna took her down in front of her staff… Kathryn didn't want to think about it anymore. B'Elanna had been tearful when she apologised to her at the hospital.
"B'Elanna, you must know some of what is my truth now. Sarah Hargreaves fooled us all. I wanted my baby, wanted her very much. You only acted on what you were told by Sarah – "
"It doesn't excuse what we did. Admiral, at the baby shower… I heard afterwards that a number of the crew spent time with you that night. They accepted you. We didn't. I'm sorry…so sorry…"
Yes, it was going to take time for some of her former crew to unwind and love her again.
She looked out the window again, wondering when Chakotay would return. It was the longest he had been out. They were alone here and apart from not wanting to leave Elizabeth alone in the house to go looking for him, she had to be careful as well, going out in the cold. She returned to the warmth of the fireplace and sat down beside her daughter. Mildly distracted from her play with the kitten and toys, Elizabeth looked up at her with trusting eyes. Her hair was long, in the way the women on Dorvan wore their hair, she supposed. Kathryn touched her daughter's cheek with infinite tenderness, feeling the tears burn in her eyes. For a moment the regret washed over her, over decisions made that would haunt her the rest of her life. But for Elizabeth, she had to remain strong, never let it eat into her the same way again.
"Mommy? Are you sad?"
"No, my angel. I am happy. I've been blessed."
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END PART FOURTEEN