IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay.
PART FOUR
2371 - Ten years previously… Beginning of Voyager's journey home
She had been in no mood to grapple with the doctor. He had been activated for duty only three months ago and had yet to cultivate a bedside manner. When she entered the sickbay, it was empty and she sighed with relief. The EMH had complained bitterly about not being taken offline by the last person in sickbay leaving, and that included Kes, sweet Kes who knew how to deal with him.
"Computer, activate Emergency Medical Hologram – "
"Please state the nature of the emergency – " he started, then seeing her, "Captain Janeway, late for her medical. Is that a good way to set an example for the crew?"
"I'm here, doctor, and do be quick about it. I have a ship to run."
"And a first officer, a chief of security, the best pilot in the universe to run Voyager."
"Doctor…"
"Fine, Captain. But I would like to see you on time for your next appointment and not have to wait five days. What if you're sick"
"I'll know where to come."
"Only after you've languished in your cot from dropsy," the EMH said acerbically as he pushed her towards the main biobed. "Now let's see… Heartbeat… Brain function…"
"Doctor, get on with it."
"Fine. You're the captain," he replied, then continued with his examination.
He was thorough, she realised and when her heartbeat quickened, she knew he'd pick that up too.
"Relax, Captain."
She couldn't. She had been putting this off as long as she could. Nothing in her medical records transferred to Voyager from Headquarters pointed to any anomalies. If he weren't a hologram, she would have gotten away with it, as she had done on her previous ships, but the EMH had an irritating habit of being irritatingly insistent. He wasn't going to forget. It was in his programming.
Records that showed nothing. How effective was that when your EMH continued with his examination, making clicking sounds now and then, never letting on what he'd discovered?
She heard Tom's father again, on the Al Batani.
"Ensign
Janeway, what you've endured here… I've seen to it that it remains classified.
It can be deleted from your medical records if you wish."
She wanted it classified, with only her own voice level clearance, and have it ceded from all other records. But she knew with sickening dread here on Voyager, that it was going to happen with an EMH the only medical officer on board and one who would wake her up in the middle of the night to call her to sickbay.
She watched him closely, searching for a change in his expression, however slight. But the frown that had been there when he was first activated was the same frown now, so it was difficult to read his expression.
Good doctor. He played his cards close to his chest. She just wondered when the penny was going to drop. So she looked at the ceiling, avoided his gaze which remained unreadable and let him get on with his work.
"You're taking long, Doctor," she said suddenly.
"One more, Captain, and I'm done."
There was no one else in sickbay and she was glad of that. Unless the situation required it, he preferred seeing his patients privately.
And with good reason.
"Sit up, Captain," the EMH ordered.
She complied, making sure her hair was still neat, smoothing down her jacket, wiping away imaginary dust.
"Look at me, Captain."
She met his gaze. Still the same, though his eyes appeared a little less steely and dispassionate. Her fingers curled tightly round the edge of the bed. She couldn't look away.
"There is no record of what I've just discovered, Captain," he said, his voice strained.
"I know."
"I can tell you what I've found – "
"You don't need to, Doctor."
"You have only one uterine tube and one ovary."
"I could have told you that."
"It took you six days just to get here. When were you going to tell me?"
"It is irrelevant, Doctor."
"I beg to differ. Not only is that the case, but there are definite traces that you've had pregnancies. Four or five or more of them, Captain. Scar tissue too slight to pick up where the foetuses were attached to the wall of your womb, and all of them close to the entrance of the uterine tubes."
"Six…more…"
"You know of what I speak."
"And you cannot know of what I suffered."
"Tell me, Captain, if I am to understand. This may affect you – "
She shook her head.
"I can't. It's confidential, it's classified and it's none of your business."
She slid off the biobed and was ready to walk when he caught her arm and halted her stride.
"You've suffered major trauma, Captain."
"I'm sorry, I can't…"
"Captain – "
"No more. And not a word of this, you understand? It means nothing to anyone. Nothing!"
Her cheeks were aflame as she broke loose and strode out of sickbay, leaving the doctor still online.
On the bridge Chakotay had given her a sideways glance, his face concerned. She had hardly greeted him, but slumped into her chair and continued to stare at the main viewscreen. They were in alien space, with hostile aliens jumping at them from every grid. They had to contend with the Kazon and now, the Vidiians who harvested organs for their own self-preservation. She was glad of the distractions. She didn't want to think, didn't want to revisit a past that still gave her nightmares almost every night. She had thought it would be easy to deal with her traumas, easy to put it behind her, but she had been rudely disillusioned.
They kept coming at her, for her, kept coming… in her dreams, in her sleep, in most waking moments. They were the times she sought refuge in her ready room, recover from the latest dream, or just try and push it back so that her task of running the ship remained paramount.
"Captain, are you alright?" she heard Chakotay say.
Hearing the concern in his voice pulled her back forcefully. She wanted no sympathy, but immediately on the heels of that thought came the realisation that if he didn't know anything, why should he sympathise?
"Nothing is wrong, Commander," she said, smiling as she turned to face him. "Just the EMH being at his obnoxious best."
"He gave you a hard time too?"
Much
more than anyone on the ship…
"No more than he did the others."
"So why the long face?"
"Why the inquisition?" she parried, turning her attention to Tom Paris who was sliding on his stool from side to side at the conn.
"I apologise, Captain."
"No need to, Commander. I'm boorish today."
"Can I interest you in a game of Velocity in the holodeck? 2100, saved some rations for an hour's holodeck time…"
She had been grateful that he changed the subject. It was a welcome distraction, and she had not played Velocity on Voyager. They would make a good team, she thought.
"You're on. Don't mind me if you lose…"
"Not a chance, Captain."
"Oh…"
"What is it?"
"I've forgotten to deactivate the EMH."
"Strike one against Janeway?" he said, his face lighting up as he smiled.
"I think I'll keep away from him for the next month."
"Too long," Chakotay said as she quickly hailed the sickbay from the console between them.
Ensign Hargreaves looked at them with a smile.
"Don't worry, Captain. I have deactivated the doctor."
"Thank you, Ensign."
"That settles it, then," Chakotay said, the attractive ensign forgotten. "Tonight."
That night at 2100 they entered holodeck two and played Velocity. Chakotay was remarkably agile for his tall frame, his reflexes very quick. She had to concentrate hard to challenge him with equal speed, but in the end, lost the game. She was glad when Chakotay didn't gloat. She hated when winners gloated.
She had given him a grateful squeeze on the arm, then made her way to her quarters without once looking back. She showered, got ready for bed with a good book. She loved books and Miss Elizabeth Bennet had been a good, if prejudiced companion to take to bed.
When she woke up the next morning, she realised with some wonder that she had a dreamless sleep, that her book had sailed off the bed and was lying on the floor and that she was late for Alpha Shift.
"I'm never late," she mumbled under her breath as she seated herself in the command chair.
"No, you're not, Captain. Only about an hour early."
"What?"
"No comment."
Chakotay gave her a broad smile. Her heart settled into an easy rhythm. They were colleagues barely three months and now she realised for the first time, that they could become very good friends.
It was good. She needed a friend.
Chakotay, she decided, would make a very good friend.
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END PART FOUR