IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay.
PART EIGHT
She lay on the biobed with her eyes closed. On the other bed lay Ensign Sarah Hargreaves, a serious, retiring young woman who had mostly been blending into the bulkheads of Voyager. She had no parents, and had very few family members living on Earth. According to Chakotay she was the perfect candidate and had told him that it was an honour to be performing such an exalted service for them. Sarah had been almost shy when she spoke, but her eyes shone and her smile was an extension of her general disposition of friendliness.
Kathryn was tired. The procedure had taken longer than expected but the EMH had assured her that Sarah's blood type and general physiology was suited and that Chakotay had virtually hand-picked her after seven females on board had declared their willingness to surrogate.
Kathryn had had very few dealings with Sarah Hargreaves on Voyager. It was Chakotay who knew every crewman better than she did, since he was responsible for their duty rosters. He dealt with general complaints while the more serious transgressions were the duty of the captain.
She sighed heavily. Sarah was sleeping peacefully now, with the foetus now safely in her womb. It hadn't been such a difficult decision to make after all as she thought back on the events a week ago in sickbay.
She had rushed out and returned to her quarters, completely out of breath when she sat down on her bed, clutching her stomach.
What did they know? What did Chakotay know? She hadn't been able to feel anything since the doctor confirmed her pregnancy. Mostly beset by rising hysteria and the obsessive need to eject her foetus, she hadn't given herself time to think of alternatives. She had never considered alternatives other than termination of pregnancy. She hadn't wanted to think of things like 'baby' and 'baby girl' for she knew the moment she succumbed to the wonder of birth, she would be lost, no matter how terrible her ordeal had been at the hands of the Cardassians. After their night of love, she had never given pregnancy a thought because she had been convinced it would never happen.
Now, looking at Sarah Hargreaves sleeping with the baby of the captain in her womb, she knew she was losing the battle of detachment and sensing the wonder of having Chakotay's child.
She was lost.
She knew that she would lose the child by the fourth month, that her uterus had been so scraped and messed up that the only thing the ship's doctor on the Al Batani could reassure her of at the time was that she was healthy, her womb would heal, but only just. She had been distraught learning of her fate and had always since then, forcefully suppressed any thoughts of having children even though, as a young woman it had been her desire.
The Cardassians had transplanted so many of her fertilised ova into Cardassian women soldiers, experiments which failed time and time again. She had touched her stomach, had tried to imagine the baby growing in her, and couldn't find any connection.
Chakotay's suggestion had given her hope. She couldn't tell him of her torture at the hands of Cardassians; she couldn't tell him of the deliberate impregnation by the soldiers; she couldn't tell him how utterly afraid she was of bearing a child.
Half an hour later Chakotay had entered her quarters.
"It's my only hope, Kathryn. For me, for you, for the baby..."
She had never given it any thought and even now it was impossible to think that surrogacy could be an answer.
"Yes..."
"You agree then? We could have our baby?"
She had given a sigh.
"I don't know about me, Chakotay. But yes, I will agree that someone can carry the baby. Give me time, okay?"
"Thank you."
He had left her quarters, hope flaring in his eyes. She hadn't been sure of anything then.
Now, she was ready to get up an go, perform her duties as captain of Voyager, concentrate on getting her crew home. Her body was rid of the baby which was now in the new mother. She felt better than she had in weeks.
Who knew, perhaps she could bond in absentia after all.
In absentia?
Then why did she feel as if something momentous was happening to her? Why did she keep looking to the ensign on the other bed, not really seeing her but seeing herself in the fullness of child? Why did she feel as if the baby had never gone from her, but was staking her claim where she thought no man, woman or child would ever penetrate deeply enough to make her care so much that her world began to spin right off its axis?
Her heart started fluttering all of a sudden at the prospect of rosy cheeks and lips, eyes like Chakotay's... Her heart raced at the thought of tiny baby hands and feet, a smile that could light up the Delta Quadrant, the first baby teeth, the first steps, first words...
"Captain?"
She opened her eyes, realising she had been daydreaming, taken a fanciful journey to motherhood and parenting, looking up in the doctor's concerned face..
"Yes, Doctor?"
"How are you feeling?"
There was a long pause, one in which she stole a glance at the other bed, pondering on the magnitude of her decision.
"Empty..."
"That feeling will persist for a while, Captain. Remember, Ensign Hargreaves is only surrogating. When the time comes, you will be prepared for breastfeeding."
She hadn't thought of that but the idea of breastfeeding her baby suddenly became instantly desirable.
"Thank you, Doctor. I will thank Ensign Hargreaves again later, as well as Commander Chakotay."
She was able to get up and start work immediately, but the doctor took her off duty for one more day.
It was a good decision. It gave her time to ponder more over what had happened, what course of action to take, preparations to make.
**********
"Enter."
Seven of Nine stepped into the ready room, paused only a second before striding purposefully towards her desk.
"What can I do for you, Seven of Nine?"
"Grant me a hearing, I trust, Captain."
She indicated that Seven sit down in the chair on the other side of her desk. The former Borg looked impassive, but Kathryn sensed something about her demeanour that broke through the reserve.
"You are troubled, Seven?"
"I do not think that Ensign Hargreaves was the right individual to carry your infant."
"It's too late now. The procedure has been completed three days ago."
"Captain, how well do you know Ensign Hargreaves?"
"Not as well as I would have liked. I confer mostly with my senior staff. Commander Chakotay deals with all other crew matters. Is there anything I should know about Ensign Hargreaves? She is very friendly. She was very honoured to help me…"
"She has developed an obsession for Commander Chakotay."
"Now?"
The statement left her surprised that in a short time Hargreaves could be harbouring certain sentiments towards Chakotay just because she had been so generous in offering to carry their baby.
"Since I came on board."
"Are you sure?"
Chakotay couldn't possibly share those feelings, Kathryn knew. The night they made love, she had not been that intoxicated not to hear his passionate proclamations of love for her. He loved her, even though it was the last thing they could explore at this point in time. She knew how she felt; it had remained suppressed for so long that her wish to validate those feelings remained vague, at best. It was something for the Janeway backburner, to be pondered upon when they returned home, or after the child was born. But not now.
"She is in love with him, Captain."
"And you think," she said, unable to keep herself from smiling, "that it could affect Sarah Hargreaves or my baby in some way?"
"Perhaps that is the reason why she has agreed. Apart from the fact that she was suitable. Three other crewmembers were also found to be suitable for carrying your baby."
"Seven," she said on a sigh, "Commander Chakotay demanded he choose the surrogate."
"More's the pity."
"Seven, what is the matter?"
"Her…adoration borders on the unpredictable… I do not trust Ensign Hargreaves."
"You don't, but I have little option. I decided to terminate my pregnancy in the first place. A decision that doesn't seem to have gone down well with the crew."
"Most of the women," Seven responded tersely. "They feel - "
"Seven of Nine, are you my ear on this ship?"
"I have been privileged to receive counselling, nurturing, care, compassion from you, Captain, which few have had the honour to receive. The others see only what they want to see. And that is - "
"A woman has the natural-born instinct to be a mother?"
"Few women make that choice not to bear children. That is their right and it cannot be disrespected. . What you have decided does not necessarily disqualify you."
"But stones will always be thrown, Annika Hansen. Remember that. There will always be criticism, no matter how well-meaning your actions are."
"I understand. But Captain, I still do not trust Sarah Hargreaves. Her obsession with Commander Chakotay could impact on the pregnancy in a negative way."
"The doctor assured me that she is in no danger, if that's what you mean."
"I have observed her the past three days, Captain. I know that you have not seen her the last two. She is boasting to all willing to listen to her that she is the Commander's special choice and that she has big plans after the birth of the baby."
Kathryn pictured the demure ensign who could so easily vanish into the bulkheads, keeping mostly away from the bustle of parties and gatherings. Her behaviour seemed incongruous to what Seven was implying.
"Perhaps, Seven, you're seeing things that aren't there. Ensign Hargreaves told us how proud she was of the honour of carrying our child. She is proud. I will remain in constant contact with her to monitor the development of – of my baby…"
Seven rose abruptly. Her eyes had a sheen in them, as if she were struck by some foreboding, a presentiment that Kathryn knew wouldn't leave her until she had let it come to pass. Whatever that was.
"That will be all. Thank you, Seven."
"Captain – "
"Dismissed."
*****************
"I chose her because she was the best candidate," Chakotay said, his stance challenging.
She hadn't been able to dismiss Seven's assertions after all. She had visited Ensign Hargreaves last night and the young woman had been cheerful, saying she was ready for the task and asking whether it was too early to start 'getting' things for the baby.
"I need assurance that – "
"Kathryn, you weren't interested in carrying your own child in the first place. Why the sudden interest in the qualifications of Sarah?"
"You're defending her."
"Of course. Look, Kathryn, I want this baby. I want her very much and I'm hoping that you will come to love her too. I know I've been harsh, and I apologise. But don't you see? When the baby is born, everything will change. I'm sure of that. I – "
"What, Chakotay?"
Her ready room was suddenly too small. She was suffocating. Was she jealous? Jealous?
"You don't have to worry that my feelings for you will change, okay?"
His eyes bore into hers, the fight gone and all that was left was a fight of another kind, she sensed. Her heart soared again. He still wanted her. She gave a sigh of relief.
"Thank you…" she whispered.
He came forward, touched her shoulder to draw her into his embrace.
"We'll get through this. Once a month has passed, you will want to room with Sarah every night just to monitor our baby's growth yourself, just you see…"
He left the room.
That night she slept better than she had in a while. She dreamed of the baby, of Chakotay, of Sarah carrying their child.
She dreamed of Seven's premonition.
****************************
END PART EIGHT