Radio
Kiss
by
vanhunks
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Kathryn, Chakotay, Voyager and some crew members mentioned here are the property of Paramount/Viacom. No copyright infringement is intended. And as Polyanna said, "Nobody can own the church!"
Timeline: Set in the "Twin Torment" universe. BS -. That is, Before Seven. This is a fun look at a Kathryn and Chakotay moment. References only to the twins and how J/C got hooked up in this series.
Summary: It's Kathryn's birthday. Chakotay, lately inspired or influenced or coerced, or...whatever by one Thomas Eugene Paris is presenting Kathryn with yet another unusual gift, dating ca 1930's.
NOTE: I wrote this short piece as a Janeway/Paris story, and it was posted only to one list early in 2003. It caught my eye as I searched my story files, read through it and realised that I could rework this as a J/C story. Therefore, consider this story as NEW to J/C!
"Tom Paris put you up to this." Kathryn had steel in her voice. Her eyes flashed. "Again."
Chakotay looked flustered, blustered and slightly harassed.
"It's your birthday - "
"I knew that before you."
"Well," he began again, "I thought you might like it. It's very unusual. Last time I gave you flowers you told me straight 'No flowers by request'. How am I supposed to think up unusual things whenever we celebrate something and you want no flowers, chocolates and sweet mushy stuff?"
"Flowers are for wishy-washy girls. I much prefer - "
"The Betsy. I know. Betsy got me to marry you."
"But this! Why? What is this, Chakotay...my love...?" It was a good thing to add the 'my love' bit, else he would have remained standing like a statue on attention. She wanted something on attention, but that could wait. First she had to dispense with Chakotay's ridiculous gift.
"So shall we start again? Did Tom Paris put you up to this?" She pointed to the offending item that stood in her lounge.
"He said you would appreciate something from the twentieth century."
She took issue with the '20th century' tag to the gift, but moreover, she took issue with the notion that her husband of four years consulted the ship's guru on the twentieth century. Couldn't he think of something creative? Think for himself? Flowers were out. Definitely. Her quarters was beginning to resemble B'Elanna's...just. Hell, Voyager was beginning to look like...never mind. Didn't anybody listen to the ship's computer anymore? Nice music, muted light, good food, so further and so forth...
Kathryn
stared at the dome shaped wooden box, or what looked like a box. It stood about
130cm tall and the cabinet - at least, that's what she presumed the box to be
- featured an intricately carved grill
which was highlighted by a round dial scale of sorts. Perched on a table base,
the object also stood in front of the couch, next to the TV, courtesy the
ship's guru who produced one for his fiancée.
Any urge to
laugh at Chakotay's latest gift was quelled when she stumbled against the TV
set as she approached him. She pointed to the offending object again.
"Chakotay...honey...
What is this?" It helped to add the endearment. Chakotay relaxed slightly.
She wasn't going to destroy the anticipation of sex in the bedroom with a
husband who had sprained something. She had invested in that part of his anatomy
long enough, even got him to the altar at gunpoint to secure her investment.
Chakotay, infinitely and blessedly bolstered by the husky sounding of 'honey',
began to expound on his discovery with great excitement. Kathryn thought about
sales talk and great pitches.
"Why,
Kathryn, don't you know? It's a
radio. It's a Classic Cathedral 1937, with round aircraft dial display."
The dome
had a name...Cathedral... Kathryn
seethed, but remembered to add 'honey' or 'sweetheart' to soften the blow and
protect her property. She waved her
hand about her in a flourish.
"A
radio. Look around you. What do you see...Chakotay?"
Chakotay
looked around him. Kathryn followed his eyes. There was the television set he
thought would amuse her during the week she had been on enforced medical leave.
That was six months ago. Tom Paris had expounded on the joys of TV when he gave
B'Elanna one. There was a high fidelity - old twentieth century term for hi-fi
- system Chakotay called top of the
range Bang&Olofsen with a five CD changer that stood to the left of the
sofa. She had balked beautifully at the Bang and Olofson, asking him why people
in the twentieth century were so bent on brand names. He even got her some CD's saying she liked her favourite
classics. Everything classic. So what else was new around the house of the
Captain and her First Officer?
There was
the Wurlitzer Classic 1942 that stood in the corner. Juke Box. She was mad as hell the day he brought in
the Classic Buick.
Half a
Buick...
"You are
expecting our little girls to sleep in half of a car?" She had been
incredulous, but kept it because Katya and Andrea absolutely adored their half
a Buick of a bed.
"You
should see Miral's bed, Mommy. It's a red and chrome '58 Chevy..."
Even the
twins got caught up in Chakotay's...gifts.
Now
Chakotay and the radio. She wasn't finished with him. He blustered. She thought
she'd better 'honey' him soon to calm him down.
"'But
it's a valve radio, Kathryn. With amplitude modulation, and a classy aircraft
dial scale!"
As if that
justified the prolonged stay of the offending appliance in her lounge. Kathryn
ignored his exclamation of surprised outrage at her apparent ignorance.
"First
you bring a television set in here. It was insane! By the way, I enjoyed
watching 'Columbo' last night. Columbo's wife looks a little like me, don't you
think, darling?"
"You liked the show?"
Chakotay's
eyes lit up, but she wasn't finished with him.
"Honey...
You seem to be going into forward regression of senility. I expect you to be a
little boy soon."
"Kathryn,
my queenly warrior, I - "
"This
radio looks ancient. I suppose it died?" She didn't care if he knew she
was humouring him.
"In a
manner of speaking. TV killed all the radio stars. Paris said so."
"Radio
stars. There were those? Am I supposed to know why they died?"
"There
was no place for them. It also killed everyone's imagination."
"According
to the gospel of Tom."
Her voice
sounded threatening. Her quarters was becoming as cluttered as her grandmother's
lounge in Indiana. TV, toaster, Chakotay's collection of replica shuttles - all
the ones of Voyager he crashed - , a replica of Voyager and the Liberty. They
were in a state of disrepair, with Chakotay having forgotten to put them
together again. What was he? Humpty Dumpty? Kathryn didn't mind the rocking
chairs Chakotay made for when the twins were born. There were two for when the
babies were still drinking bottle and they had to feed them during the night.
She figured Chakotay had to do his part. Not that he complained. No, she didn't
mind the rocking chairs but now they didn't need
two. By now she had accepted the half a Buick, for the girls didn't want
her to get rid of it.
In the
cargo bay, all her furniture from New Earth was stored. The tub was there too,
as well as the boat Chakotay managed to finish just before Voyager arrived. How
he got to keep the furniture... She didn't want to go there. If she had to eject all of it out an
airlock, Chakotay and the girls would have to go with them.
Bad move,
as Tom Paris would say.
Chakotay
stood, waiting for the 'honey' or 'sweetheart' or 'darling'. He was wringing
his hands. He looked nervous. Was he expecting her to throw him a tasty treat?
Her dog Molly - well, Molly may be no more, but still - used to pant her way
into getting tasty treats. Why, Molly's tongue panted way past her jaw, her
tail wagged, and she sat on her hind legs. Chakotay came very close. He must
have thought she was speaking in dramatic monologue, for he took a step forward.
She tried to jump back, but the TV stopped her.
"What
did you say, Kathryn?" he asked.
"Get
this thing out of my quarters."
"Where's
the fun? It's your birthday gift and you haven't even seen what it can do -
"
Chakotay
was definitely getting bold.
"I
don't have to see what it can do.
This ship can move at maximum cruise velocity of warp 9.975; we have holodecks
where we can design and programme the auditorium of the Metropolitan Opera
House if we want to. We can sit with a holo-audience and watch The Barber of Seville with our own
beloved holographic doctor as Figaro.
Well, Figaro had hair, but still. I do believe we can replicate food, that is, if my replicator weren't currently going
through pre-menopausal aggravation - "
"Your
replicator is female?"
"Where
shall I plant my fist, Commander?"
"Kathryn!"
Chakotay threw up his hands as if he anticipated her taking a swipe at his jaw
or someplace more sensitive. She held back on the someplace more sensitive.
"Just give it a chance, will you?"
"And,
I hate to tell you this, Chakotay. As my
first mate and...er, well, as my First Officer, you have died - twice - and we revived you.
Most of our senior officers have died at least once, including your friend Tom
Paris who took this vessel through warp 10 and mutated me with him on some
godforsaken world; he took the Delta Flyer which isn't a submarine into the
deep end of the ocean and - and - and - "
"And
you read books, Kathryn. Proper real books with pages that you turn. Dante's Inferno,
La Vita Nuova, The Talking
Stick..."
Kathryn's
eyes flashed.
"What's
that supposed to mean?"
"Well
- "
But now her
attention was drawn to the radio. She cursed herself. Damn Chakotay and damn
Tom Paris. She was too inquisitive for her own good. Kathryn touched the
cathedral peak, looked at the few buttons just below the grill and dial scale.
She turned to look enquiringly at Chakotay.
"It's
a toggle switch," he sighed.
She decided
to flick one toggle switch. Belatedly she remembered the Delta Flyer had a few
toggle switches. The next moment Kathryn jumped away from the box and gave a
little cry of surprise. She heard voices, voices that sounded thin and fuzzy
and corrupted by some static. She turned a button and on the little tuner display
she saw the red dial move ever so slowly until the voices became clear.
"Oh, Charles! Charles! Michael will never trouble us again," came the female voice from the
radio. Intrigued, Kathryn leaned in so that her ears were close to the grill.
The woman's voice was high-pitched and charged with passion. The passion,
Kathryn presumed, was effected by the low, soft gasping. Kathryn leaned in ever
closer, her ear this time touching the grill. Then another voice, male this
time.
"He has decided not to pursue you
anymore?"
Breathing,
low and husky, like the female was blowing hot air against something.
"Yes, yes, my love...that is it. He will
never pursue me again..."
"You did not love this Michael, my dearest
love?"
"How could I? He was merely a friend, full of noisy wind and big words. He wanted to be much more and when he tried to kill you, I had to do something - "
A sound,
like the sucking in of breath.
"What did you do, Caterina?"
"I challenged him to a duel, Charles."
Another sharp intake
of breath.
"You killed Michael... Oh, my queen! You killed him! You are truly a warrior... a queenly warrior... Oh, Caterina! I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you!"
Another
breathing session, low and husky. Then Kathryn heard a sound, like a shoe
shuffling, a scraping and a soft gasp coming from the woman. There was silence of three seconds.
"You...will go...on your knees for
me?"
Why did
Caterina even sound surprised? Maybe she wanted Charles to think he was
controlling the situation. But then, if he thought that, he was a fool.
Charles's days might be counted soon, too. The woman sounded like a black widow
spider.
"You are my queen..."
A long
pause, more breathing.
"O, Caterina! Will you marry me?"
"Charles, I will marry you. Now get up and kiss me."
More
sucking of breath, shuffling, then a muffled sound as if Charles lost his
balance. A short pause. Then a series of tapping sounds, followed by a series
of long squeaks. Kathryn frowned heavily. Was it more static she heard? Something
was wrong with the radio. She tapped the side of the radio. Hell, Charles was
supposed to kiss Caterina. When was he going to kiss her? When the stars grew
cold? Didn't Caterina order Charles
to kiss her? Kathryn tapped the top of Cathedral Peak again.
"Charles,
you plain stupid fool. Kiss the woman!" she urged in outrage, shaking her fist at the radio. Kathryn looked
at Chakotay, her eyes alive. She released the radio briefly, quickly ordering
"Kiss her, you bloody fool!" before grabbing Chakotay's jacket front
and pulling him closer. "He must kiss her, Chakotay! If he doesn't, he'll
bite the dust too. She's got his number!" Kathryn's voice trembled in its
urgency. Her fists clutched clumps of uniform. "He must kiss her before it's
too late!"
"Kathryn,"
Chakotay said, giving a long sigh, "they are kissing. In the background
they take two balloons and rub them together for the effect. That sound you're
hearing, that is Charles kissing Caterina."
"O Charles! Charles! Kiss me!"
Some more long
squeaks and pecks followed.
"Oh,
good grief!" Kathryn declared, but her eyes were still filled with wonder.
She turned the radio louder. Her hands outstrectched as she implored the radio.
"Charles, you idiot! Kiss her and let her shut up or else you will
be road kill!" Then Kathryn did a double take and grabbed Chakotay's
jacket front again. "You said two balloons?
To create a sound effect of kissing, they used balloons? That was the sound of
two balloons?"
"Yes,
Kathryn." Another long sigh from him.
"When
last did you kiss anyone?"
Be careful,
Chakotay...
This
morning he had jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, ran back again to peck
her on the cheek to say "Good morning, my love..."
Be careful,
Chakotay...
"Naomi,
yesterday, to thank her for helping me."
"That
was a peck. You know what I mean"
Chakotay
was about to be swallowed whole by Kathryn who pulled him ever closer to her.
"This
morning?"
Kathryn
gave a growl of displeasure.
"Er...last
night? Here, in our bed?"
"Try
again, buster."
"Two
weeks ago?"
"You
lost your touch, Commander. Come here." Kathryn pulled him so that his
nose almost touched hers. Now this..." Kathryn started, touching his lips,
finding it impossible to keep them closed as Chakotay's warm tongue searched for
more warmth in hers. There was heavy breathing, deep and husky, and sweet
smooching sounds as she released, then sought his mouth eagerly again. Their
tongues twisted, played, promised. Their breaths mingled hotly, followed by
heavy gasps in between touches and nips and licks. When it ended, Kathryn's
eyes were smoky, her lips red and pouty. Chakotay's nose was running. His eyes
were large, dark and gleaming dangerously. "Now that, my dear
Commander, was a kiss."
And
Chakotay, encouraged by the kiss, plunged Kathryn's mouth again. Long smooches
and squeaks and pecks and nips and tucks, with groping of hands that ensured
lifelong attention with no spraining of important body parts.
"And that concludes today's episode of "The Queen of Warriors".
SHORT
MUSICAL INSERT: 'A kiss is just a kiss'.
"And now, a word from the market place."
"Use Starlight
Pine Soapä. Never go camping without it. Smooth
on the body, it has a gentle fragrance of pine that lingers for hours
afterwards. Let Starlight Pine Soapä caress your skin. Starlight
Pine Soapä will transport you to the Stars. All the Stars
use Starlight…"
ENTER DITTY TO THE TUNE OF 'Jeepers Creepers'.
"Starlight, Star bright!
May I wash with you tonight!
Starlight, fresh as pine,
Make me blink and shine!!!!!"
"Oh,
good grief!"
Kathryn,
who had broken off the kiss, released Chakotay. She gave the radio an almighty
kick. There was a crash and suddenly, everything went quiet.
"There,
much better. Now kiss me again."
****
END
Next episode in the "Queen of Warriors": Charles swears to Caterina that Severine meant nothing to him. How will Caterina confront the Danish woman?
MORE NOTES:
The Buick idea came from a play written by a South African playwright, P.G Du
Plessis, called "Siener [seer] in die Suburbs", in which half of a
Buick was a major stage prop.
The little
ditty was written by my daughter Caitlin.
Mrs Columbo
never made an appearance in the Peter Falk series of Columbo. Kate Mulgrew
played "Mrs Columbo" in a
series [Feb 1979 - Dec. 1979] that was made after the Columbo series
aired for the last time. I just put Kate in the Peter Falk Series. One of the
episodes I liked most of the "Columbo" series was "Diplomatic
Immunity".