For in the darkness there with death I dwell,

compound with interest ev'ry anguished cry

while ne'er the light so truly hidden well -

my bravest spirit, guide me till I die…

June 25 was a bright, sunny day. The gardens of Starfleet Command never looked more beautiful. Its sprawling lawns, lush even in the heat of summer, invited the visitor to laze in the shade of the trees dotted all over them. In the shade of a giant elm tree, Dalene Petranoff stood next to her husband, with Maris and Eugenie smiling at their new mother. Most of the visitors had left, and only Sergei Karkoff, Svetlana and Roger Petranoff, Dalene's brother, dawdled.

Kathryn stood with them, a little to the side, reluctant to intrude on the small circle of newlyweds with their daughters in attendance. New daughters for Dalene, that was. They had taken to her immediately after their father had finally made the decision to separate from their mother. Dalene had been sparkling throughout the ceremony conducted by Admiral Paris, who had given Andreas Buccholtz a stern warning: "Her life is in your hands. Treasure it always."

Kathryn thought how significant Owen Paris's words were. She felt dead inside, her heart covered with a layer of ice. She slept badly and her nausea still lingered. It was unpleasant, more so because it was how she felt in her heart too. She couldn't get over what happened, couldn't get past vile images and a stiff, surly Chakotay who couldn't say a word in his own defence. It had been almost a week since she left their home and settled herself in her own parents' apartment. Chakotay had known that of the places she could go, her parents' apartment would have been a haven, but she had not heard from him since she left. She gave a shrug. What had she expected? That he run after her and assure her over and over of his innocence, begging her forgiveness? He had done none of that, and it remained just another tick against his name - one of the many she had made. Even if he did, she wondered if she could ever believe him…or trust him…

She had looked again at the pictures in the sanctuary of her own apartment, though why she was doing it, she could put only a mild, if stupid, self-deprecating reason to it. She knew looking at it, kept her own bitterness, her hurt, her outrage fanned. It also sprang out of a perverse desire to punish herself.

She had not wanted to examine the look on Chakotay's face the two times he had tried to explain his complicity to her. He looked shattered, but every time her rationale wanted to acknowledge that he was hurt or still hurting, the injured part of her rebelled against it, blanked out the hurt and remorseful look and laid bare the rawness of his face as he… No she didn't want to think of what happened, she didn't want to think of Chakotay.

The wedding group looked happy, now. Earlier, before the proceedings started, they wanted to know where Chakotay was. Surely, if his Captain and the CMO of the Ormskirk were present, Chakotay had no reason to be absent from something he had sworn he wanted to attend? At first they had been curious, then they were concerned and, as the day proceeded, appeared to accept it and duly continued to be happy. She grimaced. She couldn't blame them. Dalene was her best friend who deserved to be happy on her wedding day. They couldn't be burdened with the unhappiness of others.

She had been grateful that Sergei had fielded the awkward questions about Chakotay's absence. Chakotay had left Earth again for an undisclosed destination to go into deep meditation. Kathryn hadn't thought how good an excuse it was until Sergei mentioned it to her. But Sergei, when he had seen her this morning, had corralled her first thing. Svetlana had given her a reassuring nod which made her think that Sergei must have discussed a good excuse with his wife. Kathryn could understand that, although she bristled a little that too many people would know about her woes.

"They're going to ask about Chakotay," he said without preamble. Kathryn had already seen the look of disappointment in Dalene's eyes when she arrived there without her husband.

"I know. I haven't thought what to tell them. It's been…hard, you understand?" she said, seeing in his eyes the compassion. She had given a sigh then. Sergei knew. He had to know. Chakotay would speak to no other person, and, he was also Chakotay's physician while they were on the Ormskirk. Kathryn took comfort that he would honour Chakotay's confidence, and by extension, hers.

"Kathryn…" Sergei started, his eyes dark with concern, "don't let him stay away too long…" She didn't know what he meant, other than that he was just overly concerned that she might never want Chakotay back. Her mind had been in turmoil the last days, and she hadn't given any further thought about their future, and whether she could bear Chakotay back in her life, in her bed… She shivered violently at that thought.

"I don't know, Sergei. I just left the house. I - " She didn't want to tell him of Sedeka's surprise gift to her. "I didn't much wait for him to explain anything - "

"I'll tell everyone he went off-world for his deep meditation. He usually does that - " She shook her head in affirmation, though the others might still think he could have been at the wedding. It was an excuse that would have to do.

"I know, and Sergei, thank you."

"No problem, Kathryn. Chakotay is like a brother to me and I love him. What has happened, hell, I didn't think it could happen…"

"That Chakotay cheated?"

He had given her an intent look, a deeply penetrating gaze and Kathryn had the distinct feeling that there was more to what Chakotay had divulged to him.

"No, not that, Kathryn, but your union. It was rock solid. Chakotay… Kathryn, I can assure you that Chakotay loves you deeply, as deeply as he ever will, despite - "

"- what happened," she stated flatly.

"Please, I know you don't believe me, you don't want to believe anything right now, but I've seen him on the Ormskirk. This business - it has hit him hard. Very hard. You know how private he is, how proud, Kathryn. For this to have happened - "

"Sergei, you say that as if you want me to think that Chakotay was doing everything against his will, that he didn't plan it, that he is - he is innocent." She had looked at Sergei full of scepticism. One part of her wanted to believe Chakotay's friend, the other… Kathryn gave a sigh. The evidence weighed too heavily against her husband. Too heavily. Nothing could be more compromisingly damning than what she had seen. It cut through every conceivable precept that she might have been hallucinating the entire incident.

"It's not how I meant, Kathryn. You have to give him credit too, that he is feeling very, very bad about it. That is real, you know. He - "

Sergei paused and the air was heavy with expectation. He looked like he wanted to say something profound, then on a second thought changed his mind. Whatever it was, she wasn't going to listen to it rationally. She couldn't, and even if she did, she was going to view it with disbelief. Her heart ached. She had trusted Chakotay with her life; they based their relationship on that trust. Now, that was gone. She had been too overwrought to think straight. She was still not quite able to think straight about the whole matter.

"I appreciate you want to stick up for him, Sergei, but he had done it, understand?" There was no doubt in her mind now that Sergei knew the nature of Chakotay's indiscretion.

"You don't think there are any extenuating circumstances?"

"How?" she asked, completely aghast that Sergei could even suggest that there could be a remote possibility that Chakotay could be innocent. He didn't look innocent on the holo-images… "You should have s - " Then she clamped shut, almost telling him about the pictures. If Sedeka could drive a hard, long, rusty nail deeper in the coffin that was Chakotay and Kathryn's great love story, started on a blind date, she couldn't have driven home a more searing, painful reality. It had taken her by shocked surprise and now, several days later, she could only imagine, nay, speculate on what had transpired between Sedeka and Chakotay after she had made such an ignominious and hasty exit. Sedeka had crowed triumphantly at not letting the whole sordid event stop on Dorvan V. Perhaps she was that type of character: vindictive, intent on inflicting intense hurt.

"If I told you, you'd not believe me anyway, Kathryn. But Kathryn, when you've given this thing careful thought - and I hope fervently you will, some time - please, will you speak to me about it?"

She pondered a few seconds on his words, and when she nodded, he had given a little grin. Then his eyes had become serious again and she frowned.

"Kathryn, does Chakotay know about Hannah?"

Her eyes had gone wide, then she felt the warmth rising in her cheeks and she knew she was blushing. Her heart had hammered against her ribcage and she had felt slightly breathless. No, of course not. All the opportunities she had had…

"That day I arrived on Dorvan V… I was going to tell him…"

"I guessed that might have been the reason, if you don't mind my saying so, Kathryn."

"I would never have gone… I wanted to surprise him."

"So you never told him?"

"When he arrived home, I - something happened in the meantime," she admitted reluctantly. "It threw me again, perhaps more than when I saw them together…"

"Knowing this woman, Sedeka… from what Chakotay has said of her, she would have made sure you didn't forget…"

She hadn't known where to look, where to hide. Sergei sensed it intuitively. He was right. She stared at him in surprise when she faced him eventually. Then she gave a bitter laugh.

"Oh, I can tell you, Sergei. She made absolutely certain I didn't forget. It's damning evidence."

Sergei nodded gravely.

"So the opportunity to tell Chakotay was lost, or did you think it a way to punish Chakotay, if unintentionally?"

She wanted to tell Sergei it's none of his business. She wanted to walk away and go home and sit around in her darkened bedroom and brood until it was time for her baby to be born. But Sergei was a doctor, a very experienced and compassionate one, and one who was Chakotay's best friend.

"Maybe it was to punish him, Sergei. Maybe. I don't know. It was always my intention to let him know despite what happened. He's the father of our baby, a baby we've both wanted. Now…"

"The urge to lash back through your baby is great, but Kathryn, please, could you listen and take this bit of advice from me?" She stood still, staring into the distance. Although it had still been morning, they could see the faint outline of the moon, and that's where her gaze had been fixed. When she turned to Sergei again, she nodded.

"Hannah will be the most innocent party, Kathryn. It doesn't matter what happened between you and Chakotay, but don't let her be caught in the middle of it. It's all too easy to do that…"

Sergei had turned from her to look at the wedding party. In the early morning she had been evasive with Dalene when she had helped her friend with her dress and saw to it that Maris and Eugenie were looked after. Sergei she knew, had been referring to the daughters of Andreas Buccholtz. They had been in danger of being used as a bargaining tool by their mother and sadly, by Andreas, too. It affected his daughters, made them a little insecure. They were old enough to see what was happening around them, and to see that their mother was a less than exemplary parent who left the girls mostly alone at home when she left on trips with one of her numerous boyfriends. Kathryn's own baby was not born yet, would not make her appearance until Christmas, yet here her mother was, keeping the most exciting news from her husband because he strayed.

"I know, but I couldn't help it. I was out of it, thrown out of kilter so badly that the thought to tell him just never entered my head."

"So, will you inform him?"

"Sergei, I don't know where he is."

"He must join the Ormskirk in three weeks' time. Will you let him know then?"

"Yes, I'll tell him I need this time alone, Sergei. You understand that, don't you? I need time to think about our future…if there is one," she added very softly. "If there is one," she repeated.

"Come, we have to join the party. Smile for us, Kathryn, will you? I know your heart is very heavy right now, but they need to see you take your husband's absence in your stride…"

"Thanks very much, Doctor," Kathryn replied, smiling broadly.

Now, Kathryn, still standing a little away from the wedding party, smiled a sad smile as she prepared yet another excuse not to join them for luncheon at Andreas' home. She knew they would understand, but she was not looking forward to hearing the sympathetic clicks of the tongue, seeing the compassion in their eyes, or their pity. Somehow, during the course of the proceedings, the photo-sessions, the blessings and speeches, they sensed; they were not fooled by Sergei's quiet, firm reassurance and excuse for his best friend. Kathryn thought that it was probably the fact that it was Sergei and not she herself who fielded their questions. It was a vain hope that they thought her too sad or something to speak for herself, which Dalene had instantly viewed with a sarcastic eye. Still, it had to do.

When Dalene waved to her to join them, she braced herself, breathed in deeply.

***

"Where did the light go, Kathryn?" Gretchen Janeway asked as she seated herself next to Kathryn on the swing seat. Gretchen had a worried look about her as she touched Kathryn's hair lightly. "You've not said much since you arrived, and there are dark circles under your eyes. That the look of a mom-to-be?"

Kathryn kept staring over the lawn, her eyes fixing on the big tree under which she had sat on the previous occasions she had been in Indiana. Gretchen gave a sigh, but she wasn't backing down. Kathryn had been reticent, so unlike the day of her birthday when she had been exuberant, thrilled that she was going to have a baby, pleased beyond measure when Chakotay sent her such a thoughtful gift for her birthday. That gift was lying on Kathryn's lap, and Kathryn was stroking Ceara's deep golden coat, the pup whimpering with pleasure. Gretchen thought idly that even with the dog staying with her, Ceara still yelped excitedly when Kathryn was around. Chakotay had really given Kathryn the best gift anyone could have given her.

Chakotay…

"Has something happened, Kathryn? To Chakotay?"

Bingo.

Kathryn jerked round to face her, pain flashing across her features. Her eyes were…burning. Gretchen felt a stirring of disquiet, unrest settling in her bosom. She didn't say anything and waited patiently for Kathryn to speak. It was long seconds later - Kathryn stared at her with hurt eyes Gretchen hadn't seen there since Justin - that Kathryn sighed first before she opened her mouth.

"Yes, it's Chakotay…"

"Kathryn…" Gretchen's voice was laced with concern. Kathryn looked on the verge of tears, but she forced herself, blinked several times not to give in to it.

"I think we're finished, Mom. It's over…"

"No, oh no… Chakotay? What has happened between the two of you?"

Kathryn expelled a deep sigh again after a long pause.

"I - " she paused, then kept her gaze averted when she spoke, all the time stroking the dog's coat. Gretchen could see how disturbed Kathryn was by the ill-contained furious brushing. "I caught Chakotay…having sex with another woman…on Dorvan V."

"Kathryn?" Gretchen responded with shock., unable to believe what she just heard. She wanted to ask whether Kathryn was sure…

"I went to Dorvan V to surprise him with the news of - of the baby. There was this Cardassian woman, making love to him…crude, bestial… They didn't s-see me," Kathryn stammered suddenly as she choked with emotion.

"Oh…Kathryn… Chakotay loves you. He - "

"He didn't deny it, Mom, besides, how could he? I saw them together. It - "

Gretchen reached for Kathryn; Ceara slid off Kathryn's lap and Kathryn buried her face in her mother's bosom as she wept brokenly for several minutes. Gretchen's heart ached for her daughter. All the time she stroked Kathryn's hair, much like she did when Kathryn was a little girl. She couldn't believe that Chakotay could betray Kathryn in such a manner. It sounded altogether so odd, so at odds with Chakotay's very nature. He was much too private, they've all discovered, so proud, to get into something like that. She didn't want to insult her own daughter by sounding sceptical about what Kathryn had seen. Kathryn would never lie, never fabricate something so important that was about to destroy her life. Her tears were real, her deep, ingrained sadness was real, the empty look in her eyes was real, and the way she missed Chakotay was real. He had not been at Dalene's wedding, the only information Kathryn had been willing to share with her the moment she arrived here. It was what set her off thinking about something that may have happened. She was waiting for Kathryn to speak. She had not wanted to push the subject. But today, three days later, Kathryn had still shut herself from her, while her sadness just seemed to intensify.

"Kathryn…"

Kathryn had stopped crying, looking a little more relieved as she sat back in the swing seat. Ceara jumped back in her lap. It was more like barging up and Kathryn lifting her the rest of the way.

"How bad is it?"

"As bad as it can be, Mom…"

"He knows about Hannah?"

"No."

"You sound like you don't want to tell him, Kathryn. Whatever happened - "

"Whatever happened, Mom, Chakotay reneged. He betrayed me in the most deceitful manner possible. I - I can't bring myself to tell him. It's as if I want to punish him, take my revenge on him, and I don't want to. Yet, the feeling inside me, it's so strong, you can’t believe how strong it is. I know he deserves to know about the baby, Mom. But I don't want him rushing across ten sectors to be at my side and demand what - what…" Kathryn looked away. "I can't do it…"

Gretchen touched her daughter's arm gently, urging Kathryn to look at her.

"You know, Kathryn, I won't insult your intelligence by saying things may not be what they seem." Kathryn opened her mouth to reject her mother's statement. Her whole body stiffened in her denial. Gretchen lifted her hand to quell Kathryn's flood of rejection. "But honey, don't you think Chakotay was behaving out of character? It's not like him to do something as indescribably hurtful as what he did. He is not a deceitful man. You know that, Kathryn."

"Mom, when I stumbled on them, it seemed as if they had been at it for hours…their coarse language… You didn't see what - " The shuttered looked came into her eyes again as she clamped her mouth.

For a moment Gretchen wondered what Kathryn wanted to say. Some revelation no one knew of?

"Still," she kept on, "Chakotay loves you desperately. He is the real faithful and honourable type. He has a steady, open regard, one that demands the other person accept him as such. His eyes never shift, Kathryn, like some types you must have come across. You know the ones - furtive, like they have an agenda. Chakotay had only one agenda, honey, and that was to devote his whole life to you. Didn't you tell me once that he said his life belongs to you?"

"He did." Kathryn's eyes filled with tears. "He did," she whispered.

"So don't you think there may be more to it that meets the eye?" Gretchen asked.

Kathryn turned swiftly on her, a sudden fire in her eyes which a moment ago carried the world's sadness in them.

"I can tell you what my eye met, Mother," Kathryn retorted hotly. Gretchen was instantly aware how the mother slipped out She gave a sigh. Kathryn was in Captain mode.

"I know, honey. You've only just told me this sordid account of Chakotay's indiscretion and I can tell you, Chakotay was not rational. He couldn't have been…"

Gretchen had no idea why she sounded so convinced. It was just an inner voice that screamed to her of an irregularity Kathryn wasn't seeing, and however close to reality the act between Chakotay and the Cardassian woman was, it still didn't add up. Chakotay was too manly, too honourable. Something had to have happened with him.

"He still did it, Mother."

Mother… Again.

"I should have given you that spanking you deserved when you were six and you flooded Flotter and Treevis and the entire holodeck of your father's vessel when he took you on it." Kathryn smiled grimly at the memory. "Look, I can understand you're very, very distressed, but sweetheart, I'm just wondering when the scientist in you will kick in and you're going to analyse your husband's indecent act."

"Tell me what I should analyse, Mother. Where Chakotay's body ended and that woman's body started? Or the vile invitation from her that I join in and make a threesome?"

Gretchen paled at Kathryn's bitterness.

"You know that's not what I meant, Kathryn. Don't insult me."

Kathryn had the grace to look shame-faced. She expelled a sigh.

"You don't think Chakotay could do such a thing wilfully?"

"Kathryn, I have it on record that Chakotay said, and I quote, If I should ever hurt Kathryn, I would not deserve to live. He said that as a vow, Kathryn. Surely you could not doubt his veracity? And now, of all times?"

"Why not? The Cardassian woman was lusty, full of fire, beautiful…"

"Oh, Christmas, Kathryn! That you should fall for that! You've never been insecure!"

"Just something, Mother. They looked…together…"

"And from what you've told me, something still doesn't add up, and you're too unforgiving and implacable right now to find anything remotely mitigating."

Kathryn gave her mother a long, ponderous look. Gretchen had a sudden sinking feeling as she saw the pained expression in her daughter's eyes, that she was going to drop a clanger. She actually held the dog even closer to her as she would a baby.

"Mom, this Cardassian woman - Sedeka - sent me a holo-vid of their afternoon and evening of pleasure, of what she and Chakotay actually engaged in. Every single frame of every sexual vulgarity. She sent it to me on the Crimond…"

Kathryn's pause filled the air, heavy with the echo of her words. It hit Gretchen like a dash of ice cold water, so cold that for a fleeting moment she too, doubted Chakotay. Her jaw dropped and when she could find her voice again, it sounded thin and tremulous, and her eyes filled with tears. Her hand trembled as she touched Kathryn's cheek.

"Oh, dear God, Kathryn. I'm so sorry. So very sorry. She's not making you forget…"

"They're not making me forget, Mom. Look, I'll inform Chakotay about the baby, but that's all."

"Kathryn, don't you see? You have to give Chakotay the benefit of the doubt. The woman is obviously messing with your mind. Ad what seems even more obvious, is that she's fixated with Chakotay."

"Meaning?"

"Have you suddenly gone dense, Kathryn Janeway? Meaning she'll do anything to keep Chakotay away from you - "

"I don't know!" Kathryn replied heatedly. "Chakotay, he - I think he will leave, you know."

"Not when he knows about the baby?"

"Even then."

"You're the one who walked, Kathryn, however injured you are at this moment. You'll be the one to go begging, eventually. Chakotay is proud. Once you've sent him away, once you've said 'good-bye' to him, he'll not make an overture soon. He'll think he is not good enough for you. He harboured feelings of never being good enough for you, didn't he? You, being an admiral's daughter and all, pedigreed Starfleet aristocrat. Now, when you left, those feelings will surface again. He knows he hurt you deeply, and Kathryn, honey, he'll believe he deserves the punishment - any punishment - because he was never good enough for you anyway… He'll even start believing he was never your equal. Hell, what was I thinking, Kathryn Janeway?"

Gretchen drew in her breath, tried to become calm again. She knew that things like trust and unshakeable faith, once disturbed, would be difficult to restore.

"I know, Mom. It's just so difficult at the moment. Those images - they haunt me, invade my dreams. I can't shake them off. Every moment I try to have a good memory, those pictures unsettle my equilibrium. It's hard, hard! But Chakotay…you're right. He - he did look…"

Gretchen could sense Kathryn's heart was too full to speak, to express openly anything in Chakotay's defence; then Kathryn would admit that the entire incident didn't leave Chakotay unscathed.

"Chakotay was just as torn up by what he did and what you saw, is that it?"

"Maybe because I caught him?"

"Kathryn!"

"Perhaps…he did look so hurt, unshaven…" Kathryn added reflectively.

"Then tell him, will you? About Hannah. You've both waited a long time for her. She'll be the connection, who knows? She might even be your little peacemaker - "

"I'll not use the child as a bargaining tool."

Gretchen didn't fail to pick up on the vibes of Kathryn's reference to Hannah. Since the moment she arrived in Indiana, it was always the child or the baby…never Hannah…

"And I bet someone else also spoke to you in the same vein? Sergei Karkoff, perhaps? He is Chakotay's best friend, also his personal physician. He may know more than we think."

Kathryn blushed and Gretchen wanted to pull Kathryn in her arms and hug her hard. Her daughter was still too overwrought. If she had heard the news of Chakotay's transgression from someone, Gretchen wondered whether that wouldn't have been more merciful. But, her daughter had been introduced, forced to watch what Chakotay and the Cardassian were doing. How cruel an initiation into your husband's betrayal could that be? She had sensed she wasn't the first one to tell Kathryn to look beneath the surface. She was glad. As long as she wasn't alone in proclaiming Chakotay's mitigating circumstance. Her proud daughter, so refined, so cultured, so disciplined, was beginning to think herself a failure; if her marriage failed, it was a sign of weakness on her part.

"Yes," Kathryn admitted reluctantly. "Yes, Sergei spoke with me, in just about the same vein. It's not nice others know, Mom. It hurts like mad. In here," Kathryn said softly as she pressed her fist against her bosom. The dog was fretting and Kathryn let her go. Ceara scampered off to the lawns, chasing an imaginary bird.

"He loves you, Kathryn. I think in the coming months, waiting for Hannah to be born, you should hold on to that."

There was another long pause. This time it was a warm, more peaceful air that settled around them, as if Gretchen had managed to fight - and win - half of Chakotay's defence to her daughter. It was a calming silence, on that was full of solace.

"I miss him, Mom. I miss him…"

"I know, Kathryn…"

****

"There, that should do it, Captain," Dr Benaren said stoically a month later as Kathryn lifted herself off the biobed.

"Thank you, Doctor. I'm glad the nausea is gone. I was getting too blue on the bridge," she replied.

"I must warn you to take it easy. No coffee, no alcohol, no cigarettes - "

"The humans gave up smoking centuries ago, Doctor."

"It's my feeble attempt at humouring you," he replied quickly.

"I get the message." Kathryn smoothed down her jacket and was about to leave the sick bay when Dr Benaren gave a slight cough. She stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him.

"Er…Captain, the recommendations I gave you about taking a desk job for the last months…I mean it…"

"I know, Doctor. I feel fit, I'm not showing…yet, and I will give it thought."

"Serious thought, Captain. I - you've had a miscarriage, and I don't think we can take any risks - "

"Perhaps you should leave that to me," she replied, at which the doctor gave a long drawn out sigh before he played his trump card. Kathryn Janeway stared at him, and she knew he was going to field at least one of ten very good reasons for his advice.

"We're at war, Captain. You may wish to ignore the newly signed Federation-Cardassian Treaty, but my experience has led me to believe that this will be yet another treaty or truce that the Cardassians will flagrantly disregard."

"And your point is?"

She knew what his point was. At six or seven months pregnant, with a vessel possibly under attack, she'd be risking her unborn child's life.

"You're the Captain. I don't have to drive it home. As your physician on board this vessel and as the Chief Medical Officer, I have the authority to relieve you of duty, Captain. Please, understand."

She looked at him for long moments and wondered idly why she was being so obstinate. She knew he was right, he had her well-being and that of her baby at heart. She couldn't blame him. She sighed and nodded.

"I am very well aware of the situation we're in, Doctor. Believe me, when the time comes, I'll take that leave. Just not…now," she said rather stiffly as he nodded to him and quickly strode out of sickbay.

In the corridor she sagged against the bulkhead for a minute, glad that there wasn't any crew walking the decks. Dr Benaren wasn't exactly happy with the examination. She had not been taking her nutrient supplements, and he had given her a vaguely pained look before he continued. She had been negligent, something that was so against the grain, so different from her first pregnancy when she had taken every precaution…

Now it felt she didn't care. She was in her second trimester, almost six months pregnant, but…she gave a sigh as she continued towards the turbolift that would take her to the bridge. She was still on duty and would resume for another two hour shift. Daley had been happy enough to take over. Kathryn had been tired lately, but glad the nausea was something of the past. She had been feeling dead inside, given to brooding in the darkness of her quarters. Huddled in Chakotay's chair in the shadows it was as if she could wish away too many things that weighed down so heavily on her.

She shrugged. She hadn't given much thought to the baby… Chakotay had been too much on her mind, and mindful of Sergei Karkoff and her mother's remonstrations - she was beginning to think it more of a remonstration than advice - she had to get in contact with him. She had little enthusiasm for doing so, the wretchedness of what happened still too fresh in her mind and heart to want to think of him as anything other than a loving husband who was going to be ecstatic about their baby. She still found it difficult to get past the pictures in those holo-vids, seeing with searing clarity the look on his face. Could that be the face of a man who swore his undying love for her, who swore he would die rather than hurt one hair on her body?

She knew that at some point she would look at it rationally, when she could view the entire episode in perspective, when she could speak or think with the same conviction her mother and Sergei Karkoff did. Right now, all she could see was Chakotay's face in the throes of… She sighed again. She didn't think he would contact her. He looked so lost…broken, when she left their apartment. She tried to blank out that face, the one filled with remorse, the one that could smile so that his dimples kept keeling her over.

He had to know about the baby. She would have to find him. She didn't think he was on the Ormskirk. Sergei had already apprised her of that fact, that Chakotay had requested leave. She gave another long inward sigh. She missed Chakotay; she hated him and she missed him. Her mind was still in such turmoil, her emotions on a roller coaster that tossed her up and down, creating a deep sinking effect as she went down, then screaming as she lifted. She couldn't take it. She needed clarity; she needed peace and quiet. What she needed most, was her husband by her side.

Well, that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon…

She rocked up suddenly when her commbadge beeped.

"Daley to Janeway."

"Janeway here," she replied, "what is it, Commander?"

"We're being hailed, Captain. You are needed on the bridge."

"I am on my way. Janeway out."

By the time she reached the bridge, she quelled the breathlessness ruthlessly.

"Captain, we've received a hail from a Cardassian warship."

"Red Alert. We're taking no chances," she responded instantly. "Open visual."

Kathryn froze.

The face that stared at her made her blood turn cold. Sub-commander Sedeka's mouth curved into a smile. The officers on the bridge stared open-mouthed, but remained at their stations, their fingers hovering over any controls that would be engaged on the Captain's command.

"Hello, Captain Kathryn Janeway," she breathed in a husky tone. Her voice though, was syrupy, wheedling. Kathryn felt sick, knew that in a few minutes she would disgrace herself in front of the senior crew. Or, Sedeka would do the honours herself, whatever it was she wanted to say.

"What do you want."

"Oh, it was fun we had, didn't we?"

"I have no business with you," Kathryn replied, ignoring Sedeka's play on fun. She knew exactly what Sedeka referred to.

"Oh, Captain, but you do. You'll never guess who - "

Kathryn had looked at her operations officer and indicated quickly the signal that meant he could delete visual as well as audio.

"Relay that message to my ready room, Akbor," she instructed, then nodded to Eamon Daley to take the bridge.

"Aye, Captain."

In the safety of her ready room Kathryn felt her stomach heaving. She gulped several times desperately to prevent herself from vomiting. She switched on her vid-com to see Sedeka's leering face. The ridge that ran across her forehead and trailed down the sides into her neck were a little softer on her. In another circumstance, Kathryn would have said she was beautiful. But the Cardassian woman's face showed displeasure as, in spite of the smile, her eyes glinted like sharp needles.

"Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Captain Janeway. It won't help, you know."

"What do you want."

"I just thought you ought to know that my sojourn with Chakotay has paid a little dividend."

Kathryn's jaw dropped. Something - lightning - stabbed right into her heart. Her hand clamped instinctively over the locket under her uniform. She had no doubt what Sedeka meant. After the lightning strike, she turned cold inside. Ice-cold. Sedeka and Chakotay… Oh, dear God… They made a baby.

A baby...

"Congratulate me, I'm going to be a mommy. Didn't you know where he was the last few months? Chakotay has been real good to me. Did you know that you could get his cock so much harder if you clamped your fingers over his balls like this.." Sedeka performed the action with sick pleasure. "He fucks real good, I can tell you that. Oh, but I don't need to tell you. But then, maybe he never quite fucked you like he did me, so you wouldn't know what I could get out of him… He was real good. Every time, every hour… Real…good, Captain Janeway. He'll make a great Daddy, don't you think?"

She could be bluffing, Kathryn thought as she clutched her stomach. She prayed to God Sedeka was bluffing. But they had been hours together, and who knows, how many days before that? How many meetings after that? Chakotay hadn't wanted her to contacted him. Was that why?

"You're lying…"

"I can assure you, Captain Janeway. Chakotay serviced me well."

Kathryn stared dumbfounded at the heartless woman. Inside her, ten thousand needles pierced her heart, and her blood spilled liberally.

"I having his baby," Sedeka smiled when Kathryn remained speechless, shocked beyond measure.

"Why are you doing this," Kathryn managed finally, her voice thick and hoarse.

"I wanted a man; Chakotay was available, Janeway. He loves me, and he has already pledged his support to me."

Then suddenly the screen went blank. Kathryn rubbed her eyes with trembling fingers. She was gasping, her chest burning. She knew that she'd pass out if she didn't get to sick bay soon. The thought of sick bay and Benaren made her jerk up. Forcing the nausea and dizziness back, controlling her breathing, she held her head with both hands as blinding flashes flickered behind her eyes. Unable to control the nausea she rushed to the small bathroom and retched violently. Minutes later she appeared at her desk again, staring at her vid-com, shuddering from the after effects of her retching spell.

"This is impossible. It couldn't be. How could Chakotay do this to me?" she kept asking, her voice turning into a whimper. She sobbed once, twice, struggled for composure. Her body was suddenly cold and the shivering caused her teeth to chatter. She had no idea that her hands were wet as the tears burned onto them.

"Oh, Chakotay, what have you done? What have you done to me? Was Sedeka lying? Why is she doing this to us? Why?" Then she recalled the protective way in which Sedeka caressed her belly.

Chakotay made a baby with that woman.

"Oh, Chakotay…why?

Her commbadge beeped again.

"Daley to Janeway. Is everything alright, Captain?"

She breathed in, kept her voice as evenly as possible.

"Yes, Commander. I'm fine. No need to worry."

"Aye, Captain. I'm glad to inform you that the Cardassian vessel has taken off again."

"Stand down weapons. Thank you, Daley. Cancel red alert."

She rose from her seat, wondered how she could get to her quarters without her senior crew seeing how Sedeka had unsettled her. She pictured herself heavy with Chakotay's child, their own little baby whom he named, and she pictured Sedeka, rubbing her swollen belly, heavy with Chakotay's child. Sedeka had to be lying. She had to be, Kathryn convinced herself.

She wants Chakotay…She wants Chakotay…The evil Cardassian woman wanted Chakotay… My mother was right…

Kathryn jerked violently as her vid-com beeped again. Her hand trembled as it paused over the keys. Not Sedeka again, she thought. The woman was demented, unscrupulous, malicious… pregnant… How could Chakotay betray her with such a woman? Kathryn didn't want to respond to the message.

It beeped again. This time she let the beep sound longer. It stopped for a few seconds. Kathryn wiped her brow nervously. The beep sounded again, insistently. She didn't want to see Sedeka again. She never wanted to see her again. Still, it might be from Starfleet.

Her hand flew to the keys. The next instant, Chakotay's face filled the screen.

"You!" Kathryn whispered, her voice filled with outrage and disgust.

"Kathryn, I want to tell you - there is something I need to tell you. Please, you have to listen to me… forgive me, Kathryn…forgive me…I made… Sedeka… she is… forg-"

Kathryn Janeway looked at her husband. She was filled with an instantaneous revulsion, a flash of a pregnant Sedeka reminding her she should hate Chakotay. Every nerve in her body screamed as she wanted to strike out in a mad, blind blow at him.

Then her lips pressed tightly as she blanked him out, closed her eyes as he begged for mercy. Her fingers pressed the keys with cold precision.

The next moment, Chakotay's face vanished from the screen.

***

Chakotay stared at the Federation insignia in total bewilderment. Long he stared at the screen. Very long.

When he could breathe calmly again, when he could feel his heart beat again normally, he bent his head at last.

Kathryn hated him.

"I should have expected it," he said with a resigned air. "I should have expected it. I am not good for her. I was never good enough for her…" he convinced himself.

He repeated it and when he tired of saying it over and over like a litany, he said finally:

"I will never be able to make things right with her."

****

Chapter 20 [NC-17] 

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J/C FANFIC

1. The quatrain [rubaiyat] "For in the darkness" quoted as the introduction to BOOK THREE was written by this author.