The first contraction started as she called out for Chakotay. She had prepared herself in the last few days, but nothing prepared her for the total shock, the wonder and terror all rolled into one as the pain crawled from her lower back and managed in increments, like tiny flashes of lightning, to inveigle themselves firmly across her abdomen. It wasn't a major descent into screaming or crying out loud. Just her eyes that went wide, her mouth opening and her hand going instinctively to her stomach as the realisation hit her that she was two weeks too early.

Gretchen Janeway showed no surprise, nor did Sergei Karkoff flinch as both held her up. When the pain cleared as suddenly as it spread all over her, she gasped.

"Chakotay..."

"Come, Kathryn, we have to get you to the hospital," Sergei said. Gretchen Janeway had quietly gone into the nursery and collected Kathryn's bag.

"Chakotay..." Kathryn murmured again as they left the apartment a few minutes later. "They killed his parents...everyone he held dear. Sergei...Mom, he only just met his father again. This - this can't be happening to him... They destroyed Dorvan V..."

"Kathryn," Sergei said quietly as he paused to look her in the eyes, "Kolopak was still alive when Chakotay found him. He died in Chakotay's arms... He went with so much dignity. But right now, Kathryn, you have to concentrate on the baby, hmmm?" Sergei thought how Chakotay howled afterwards; long and terrifyingly his crying echoed around the Habak where he found his father. No, Kathryn would learn of that some day, from Chakotay himself. Kathryn though, needed to concentrate on her baby. "Will you, Kathryn?" he asked again when she didn't respond the first time.

"Yes...yes..." she said distractedly.

"The second contraction is still a way off, so it's still early stages, okay? Nothing to worry about, Kathryn. Hannah is just in a hurry to say happy birthday to her daddy..."

"It's his birthday today...It's his birthday..." Kathryn said, her voice edged with hysteria. Gretchen gave Sergei a look in the flitter when Kathryn was seated safely in it.

"Well then, Kathryn, you're about to give your husband the best birthday gift on Earth..."

"He lost everything, Mom. I - " Kathryn was in tears as she spoke, looking distraught from Sergei to her mother. "He'd only just reunited with his parents. He hadn't seen them in fifteen years. They - they welcomed him with open arms, Mom. With open arms. Now they are gone...they're gone...gone..."

"We'd better get to the hospital very quickly, Sergei," Kathryn heard her mother tell him, her tone of voice quiet, unruffled, not revealing its urgency.

"He's lost everything..."

"Kathryn," Sergei started, "maybe I should let Chakotay tell you himself, that - "

"He's not here, is he?" Kathryn shot back. "He's not here, and I - I sent him away. I sent him away..."

"Kathryn, honey, we'll make every attempt to get hold of him and tell him, okay? Right now, you've got to think of your baby, and prepare yourself for her birth - "

"Hannah...she's named for Chakotay's mother..." Kathryn started sobbing softly, rocking back and forth as she tried to assimilate the news of their deaths. By the time they reached the hospital, Elizabeth Paris was already waiting for them.

"Dr Paris," Sergei said, "Kathryn is near hysteria..."

"Understood, Dr Karkoff." She had already prepared a hypospray with a light sedative, and Kathryn, when she saw it, recoiled at the sight of it. Elizabeth was quick to respond. "Kathryn, it's necessary, you understand? You're distressing your baby..."

"I - " Kathryn started, looked wildly about her as she was lifted on the biobed. The hypospray was a merciful release as she felt her eyes closing, an image of Chakotay the last before the sleep overtook her.

"It's only for an hour or two, " Elizabeth said as she looked at Gretchen and Sergei, their worried expressions mirrored in her own eyes.

"She was frantic, Elizabeth," Gretchen informed her old friend. "She thought only of Chakotay. It's his birthday, did you know?"

"And their anniversary...."

"Oh, dear God. No wonder..."

"What?"

"She's so frantic. She's never been like this, Elizabeth - "

"She's never been a mother, Gretchen," Elizabeth replied sagely.

"No, you don't understand. Chakotay - " Gretchen shrugged. "Kathryn must have told you something of what happened that they parted. She's been depressed, you know that - "

"And your point is?"

"She's not supposed to call out for him. He cheated on her, wronged her; she hated him for a while; didn't want to see him, still hasn't seen him, didn't want to speak about him." Gretchen pointed to her daughter lying on the bed. "You'd think she'd pop that baby out all by herself, so self-sufficient she is. She doesn't need Chakotay, right?"

"So all that babble in the past months about not needing him is really telling you to bring the damned man here so Kathryn can have her baby in peace?"

"What can I say? Kathryn may be my daughter; she may be the best Captain in Starfleet, but right now, she's one concerned soon-to-be-mother who just wants her man here, no matter what he had done to her."

"He cheated on her."

"Hell, and she didn't let him have ten words in edgewise to explain. It was really bad, by the way, Elizabeth, but I can tell you: nothing is as it seems."

"So it seems."

Sergei stifled the urge to laugh at the bantering between Gretchen Janeway and Elizabeth Paris. They ignored him completely. It was clear to him the two women had a long history, an abiding friendship. He knew about Elizabeth's son somewhere in the Demilitarised Zone. A troublemaker, some have said. A rebel, others said. Just a son who carried the weight of the Admiralty on his shoulders, a few in the know, said. Elizabeth didn't show she was a very worried mother, but Sergei knew that her son's non-appearance in their lives was a sore point; it must cut deeply in both parents. He knew what Chakotay had been like, not acknowledging his father, always speaking about Kolopak in derogatory terms, mocking his father's way of life. Now, when Kolopak was dead, Chakotay suffered the remorse of having gotten to know the kind, gentle man too late. Elizabeth and Owen Paris's son had little time for his parents, according to sources, and who knows? One day Tom Paris might suffer the same guilt of being too late when all he could have done was just come home, like Chakotay did.

Kathryn did that for her husband. She coaxed, encouraged, braved Chakotay's annoyance many times, just so he could take that leap of faith. She succeeded where Chakotay's best friend failed. Who knows? Maybe Kathryn would one day be instrumental in doing the same for Tom Paris. She had that knack of bringing people together.

He was glad Elizabeth Paris had given Kathryn a light sedative. Kathryn had been dangerously close to total hysteria. She was so mostly concerned about Chakotay that it stunned him. It was clear to him that her feelings have never changed, and perhaps, with hindsight, could the whole experience of what Chakotay had done, have made her miss him more, love him more? It sounded incongruous, but he sensed it in her, especially after he and Svetlana went to see her in Indiana. Kathryn missed her husband and he, Sergei, was seething when they couldn't trace Chakotay. The man was nowhere to be found, and hell, didn't he always do that whenever the Ormskirk docked at Earth's Orbital Station? Chakotay had a habit of deactivating his commbadge so no one knew where he went to seclude himself for meditation. Sergei looked at the sleeping Kathryn, saw how her eyelids flickered as if she were dreaming. Chakotay had been her great concern in the last few hours. When he returned to Earth and Chakotay had vanished like that, he had gone home first to spend a few hours with Svetlana and the children, then contacted Gretchen Janeway.

He had known that to inform Kathryn that Dorvan V had been under attack by the Cardassians would unsettle Kathryn. The planet had good memories for her, mostly. Chakotay had been the first to tell him how Kathryn fell in love with his parents and family, how she came to feel the same connection he did with the planet. Kathryn had the same emotional attachment to Chakotay's homeworld that Chakotay had. Chakotay had been proud, effusive like he had never really been, about the wonder of being home again with his people, and how they accepted Kathryn as part of his life and, by extension, part of their lives.

They - he and Gretchen - had thought that Kathryn might have an idea where Chakotay could be, but to inform her of Dorvan V, he needed Gretchen Janeway there at least to support Kathryn and stay with her a few days, just in case of an emergency such as had happened. Kathryn's reaction was expected. He had known she would worry more about Chakotay and push all thoughts of her baby to the background.

Where the hell was Chakotay when they needed him? When Kathryn needed him? Now, looking at the sleeping Kathryn, listening with half an ear to the conversation - though in low tones, still audible - between Kathryn's mother and her doctor, he wanted to kick Chakotay hard for vanishing like that. While he could understand that Chakotay would think Kathryn didn't want him near her, it was still a responsibility he should have anticipated, knowing that Kathryn just might need him.

Kathryn needed him. What did it matter what had happened between them so many months ago? What did it matter that Kathryn sent Chakotay away from her? What did it matter? She was going to give birth to their daughter, and on his birthday. She wanted him here, with her, that much was clear. She may not have said it in so many words, but her reactions, her near hysteria didn't even baffle the two older women whom he could swear, knew all there was to know about life.

"Well, Dr Karkoff?" He stared bemusedly at Elizabeth Paris. "We've been hailing you the last ten seconds," she said, sounding amused.

He gave them a sheepish smile.

"Kathryn," Elizabeth said to him, "will not mind you assisting in the birth of her baby - "

He gave a relieved sigh. The two women grinned at him. They had known all the time that he would have liked to be present.

"If - if we can't find Chakotay?" he asked.

"I'll put my dear Owen on it. He'll find anything, don't worry, Sergei."

Now it's Sergei...

He gave them his most brilliant smile and his face turned bright red; his mussed hair that always looked uncombed even when it was brushed smooth, looked even more mussed after he ran his fingers through it.

"I'll just have to inform Svetlana I'll be held up here, or - "

"You'll sleep on the couch?"

Sergei Karkoff didn’t know where to turn his face as he left the ward to find the nearest vid-com.

**

There had not been much pain. The contractions were still too far apart. Her water hadn't broken yet, though she suspected that might happen soon. Kathryn turned her head to where Elizabeth Paris was bent over a console. As if Elizabeth knew Kathryn was watching her, she looked up.

"What time is it?" Kathryn asked.

"It's morning."

"That much I gathered." The window that overlooked a courtyard let enough daylight through so that it wasn't necessary to illuminate the room with artificial light.

"It's 0900 hours..."

Kathryn groaned.

"Be patient, Kathryn. Hannah will make her appearance some time today..."

"Sometime..."

Kathryn lay back against the pillows. She had woken up earlier and the reality hit her square on again. It was unbelievable, unthinkable that the entire planet could have been destroyed. She had known that there would be war soon, and the talks on Dorvan V were supposed to find an amicable settlement between Cardassia and the Federation. That Chakotay hadn't been present at the talks - she had learnt this from Sergei - didn't alter the balance. The Cardassians were notorious for violating peace settlements and the rights of prisoners of wars and refugees. The Federation was aware of that, so why didn't they help?

Chakotay must have approached them at some point. Did they refuse to help? Was it because the colonists had given up their citizenship and therefore their right to be protected?

Her hand went to cover her mouth when she thought of Chakotay's family. They were her parents-in-law, her bothers and sisters and nephews and nieces. All of them dead in a matter of days. Here at Headquarters, there had only been an official announcement - a curt, one lined statement - that there had been an attack on Dorvan V. When she enquired, it was met with a curt "everything is under control there" reply. So why didn't they want people to know that the entire population of Dorvan V had been massacred?

She thought of Chakotay, how he had come to renew his love for his parents and how Kolopak had welcomed them with open arms and incredible generosity. She had been stunned at their acceptance of her, when she had been so apprehensive about that first meeting. But Kolopak, dear, kind Kolopak had taken her and hugged her. Once he said: "I know my son, Kathryn. He is like me. We choose the right woman for the rest of our lives. I have my Hannah, Chakotay has his Kathryn..."

Kathryn closed her eyes at the memory. She remembered young Tomaso, so full of life, so immersed with the hunger to join Starfleet like his Uncle Chakotay had done. She remembered how Winonah came to sit on her lap. The little girl had been diffident, not speaking much, but she had warmed to Kathryn. Kathryn gave a teary smile as she remembered how Winonah had sought her out because "Aunty Kathryn can do her tables". Winonah learned astonishingly quickly and Kathryn had been relieved when Roshana indicated that she didn't mind Winonah learning as much as she could and that she hoped her daughter could one day also go to the Academy like her cousin Tomaso was going to do.

"It is Chakotay's fault," said Kolopak one day to her, but his eyes had shone with quiet pride in his eldest son whom he knew would one day be an admiral. Chakotay had promptly replied with: "one day at a time, Father. I just got to know my family again. Let me enjoy that as much as I can..."

Now they were dead. She couldn't believe it. She fell in love with his parents, his family, their homeworld. Only on Dorvan V had she finally found the spiritual connection that she sensed in Chakotay, assail her own being.

Kolopak's face flashed before her. She saw his smile, the deep dimples, his expedition hat he always wore when he went outdoors. She could picture Chakotay looking like him one day... And Hannah... Chakotay's mother was so small, yet she wielded such unseen power over her household.

Kathryn touched her stomach. An hour ago she was shown the scan. Her baby was already presenting in the vertex position. She felt the thrill course through her. It was only in the last weeks that she could bear to look at the scans and not think of what Chakotay had done. The first time she had been filled with wonder... awed that Chakotay and his mother could know long before her baby was conceived, that she would be Hannah. Kathryn couldn't think of naming her baby anything else... Hannah would look like Chakotay. She would have his black hair and his colouring, his dimples! If she didn't...if she didn't, why, her mother would send her right back in the womb and order her to change her features.

Very soon she would hold her baby in her arms... Hannah would look at her and she'd know she was wanted...

Kathryn gave a little sob and seconds later she felt Dr Paris touching her shoulder.

"Anything the matter, Kathryn?" Elizabeth asked. Her light brown eyes rested warmly on her patient.

"No...no, it's nothing, Doctor..."

"Kathryn, you want to tell me about it?"

"He loved his parents, Doctor Paris. You should have seen him on Dorvan V. Chakotay...he - he belonged there, you know. He was in his element, one with the wind and the land and the water..."

"I know, Kathryn. But you remember what Sergei said, don't you?"

"What did he say?" Kathryn couldn't remember anything clearly since they left her apartment. She frowned heavily.

"Kolopak died in his son's arms, Kathryn. He went quietly, with dignity..."

Kathryn's eyes filled with tears.

"What have they done to them, Doctor?"

"I - " Dr Paris started, biting her lower lip before she continued. "I think perhaps you should read Captain Petranoff's official logs."

"They're official, Doctor Paris. I went on a mission to Bajor where we spoke with many Bajorans who had been tortured, violated, enslaved. Some escaped... "

Doctor Paris closed her eyes. She was not privy to that information. It was classified, as would Captain Petranoff's official account of the destruction of Dorvan V become. But she knew what Kathryn was talking about. Kathryn wanted the between-the-lines version.

"As you said, Kathryn. They are official. You'll not learn more about what happened there, unless you speak with the crew of the Ormskirk. I do know that Chakotay himself lit the funereal pyre on which his parents, brothers, sister and the children were laid to rest..."

Kathryn closed her eyes, feeling the burn of tears on her cheeks.

"Even the children..."

Elizabeth gave a sigh.

"Even the children..." she said. "Even the children..."

Kathryn's eyes opened again, and at that moment another contraction hit her. Elizabeth stayed with her until the pain subsided.

"Phoebe will arrive in the next half hour," she told Kathryn.

"Oh, Phoebe. She's warned everyone away from me for this baby," Kathryn said lightly, trying to smile.

"She has?"

"She insisted she wants to be by my side in the absence of - of..." Kathryn's eyes clouded, then she turned her face away from the doctor.

"We'll find him, Kathryn..."

When Kathryn looked at her again with pain-filled eyes, Elizabeth felt like crying with her.

"I - I know he needs me..."

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. We're doing our best."

"And Phoebe...she's not very well disposed towards Chakotay, did you know?"

"I...know..."

Elizabeth didn't want to tell Kathryn what Gretchen told her. She wondered whether Kathryn knew that Chakotay had been in Indiana. Phoebe had wasted no time telling Gretchen Janeway that she phasered Chakotay off their property. Gretchen had told her, Elizabeth, in good faith. Phoebe was ready to kill him for destroying all Kathryn's chances at happiness. She could understand Phoebe's attitude. They had been there with Kathryn, helping her through the trauma of coming to terms with Edward Janeway and Justin Tighe's deaths.

Now, with what has happened between Kathryn and Chakotay, Kathryn had gone into deep depression for a while after his "defection to another woman" as she stated to her mother. Elizabeth had seen this first hand, when Kathryn had refused to speak about her baby, or caress her abdomen with that protective air so many first time mothers did. She had been listless, disinterested in the readings. Kathryn had never looked at the scans of her baby... She always gave a cursory glance then looked quickly away again, as if it were a duty she was performing. Then the guilt settled on her face.

Yes, Kathryn had been hurt beyond her own strength to the point that she lost all interest in her baby.

Somehow, in the last two weeks, that changed, and Elizabeth's hopes soared again when Kathryn finally did look at a scan of her child, then promptly burst into tears.

"She looks so small!"

"Her current weight is about 2.2kg, Kathryn."

"Look how her heart is beating..."

"She sensed your excitement. Look, she's kicking more vigorously."

"Chakotay built her a beautiful crib, and for me, a rocking chair," Kathryn said as she looked at her, her eyes shining with pride.

"Well, then, now you know he still cares very much, don’t you?"

For a moment her eyes clouded and Elizabeth thought she saw regret in them. It was over quickly as Kathryn touched the screen showing how her baby was moving around in her womb.

Elizabeth gave another sigh before she continued monitoring Kathryn. Sergei would only come in later to help. He had gone back home after all, and promised to return with a pink teddy bear.

An hour later an out of breath Phoebe Janeway rushed into the labour ward.

"I just heard your water's broken, Sis," she panted as she rushed forward to take Kathryn's hand.

"You have to proclaim it to the world, Phoebe?"

"The world is only as small as this delivery room, dummy."

"Yes, you're right," Kathryn panted. "Who will know?"

"Hey, little Miss Hannah will soon proclaim herself to the world, and she'll thank me for holding your hand..."

"Phoebe, thank you. Chakotay, he ..."

Phoebe's expression hardened and Kathryn flinched.

"Don't bring him up in conversation, Kathryn."

"He's my husband."

"He betrayed you, Kathryn," Phoebe responded icily.

"Not now, Phoebe," she sighed, then her body arched as a contraction started. Phoebe held her hand tightly and waited until Kathryn could breathe normally again.

"How far apart are they?"

"Too close!" Kathryn panted.

"Then, Sis, you must breathe. You did those exercises, right?"

"No. I wasn't interested. My husband betrayed me, remember?" There were angry tears in Kathryn's eyes as she looked at her sister. "What right has he got to be here? He wasn't with me all the way, was he? Why should I bother? He's somewhere in this quadrant and I couldn't care less if I never see him again."

"Oh, Kate..."

"Don't 'oh, Kate' me," she said fiercely. "It's what you're thinking, Phoebe. Ever since Chakotay - "

"Kathryn, I'm so sorry. But Kathryn, you have us here with you. I'm here and Mom will also be here later. Don't worry, then."

Kathryn fell back against the pillows, her face drenched in perspiration, her hair already matted against her skin. Phoebe held her hand then gave it a reassuring squeeze. Kathryn remained motionless, staring at the ceiling.

Phoebe closed her eyes fleetingly, then looked at Kathryn again.

"You still love him."

"Do you want me to apologise for that?" There was an edge to Kathryn's voice.

"I can't help how I feel, Kate. I - "

"He - he lost his people, Phoebe."

Phoebe nodded. She had heard of the news that filtered through Starfleet.

"I'm sorry, Katie..." Kathryn turned to face her sister. Her eyes were sunken, tired. Phoebe cringed at the look in Kathryn's eyes. It was not an accusing look, just immensely sad.

"Don't be, Phoebe. He's not here to defend himself, you know. I - I never gave him a chance - "

"Kathryn! The man - " Phoebe started, then clamped her mouth shut. A second later she recovered herself when Kathryn arched again as then next contraction started. Phoebe gripped her hand tightly. When the pain subsided, Kathryn lay back again, her eyes closed. A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Chakotay..."

Elizabeth Paris left the room quietly and went into her office, initiating a hail to Admiral Owen Paris's room at Headquarters.

***

Doctors Karkoff and Paris were in the delivery room with Kathryn, and a worried Phoebe holding Kathryn's hand when a beep sounded at the door. Gretchen Janeway who was watching the reading on the computer console carefully, rose from her seat.

"I'll go," Phoebe said quickly, indicating that her mother remain.

She got up from the chair and moved swiftly to the door, annoyed at the intrusion and ready to be annoyed at the intruder. No one else was allowed inside. She opened the door.

"You!"

"Hello, Phoebe."

Chakotay stood in front of her. Phoebe bristled, then pushed Chakotay roughly away from the door. The door slid close behind them, and the two of them squared off in the corridor. Phoebe's eyes glinted sharply. Chakotay stood resolute, unlike his stance of a month earlier when she pressed a phaser into his back.

"I told you to stay away from my sister, Chakotay. She doesn't need you. We are here for her."

"She's my wife, Phoebe," Chakotay said, his voice cold.

"And a little late for you to remember that."

"She wants me in there, Phoebe."

"Wrong. You forfeited your right."

Chakotay fumed for a few seconds, wanting to crush Phoebe Janeway with one hand firmly round her neck. His fists balled at his sides as he tried to check his frustration at Phoebe's attitude.

"Look, I didn't come here to fight with you. I came to be with Kathryn."

"She doesn't know what she wants."

"She asked for me. That means something to me, even if it means nothing to you."

"She's a fool. You don't deserve her- "

Chakotay lost it for a few moments as he grabbed Phoebe by her shoulders and shook her.

"Listen, Phoebe. Listen carefully. You can hate me all you want afterwards and forever if you like. Punish me as much as you want to. I can take it. I probably deserve it. But just the other day I had parents - a sister, two brothers, nephews and nieces. In one swoop I lost everyone on Dorvan V I ever held dear and loved. They are gone forever, Phoebe. Gone, you hear me? You are all I have that I can claim as family. My people died. All of them. The Cardassians weren't very choosy when it came to violating the women on my home world. Seven Cardassians raped my mother. I held her dead body in my arms. My father..." Chakotay closed his eyes as the memory scraped into his still raw wounds; the hands that had gripped Phoebe's shoulders suddenly releasing her and slumping to his sides. He balled his fists to halt the violent trembling of his fingers.

Phoebe's eyes went wide with shock. She stood frozen against the wall as Chakotay let go of her. He was wheezing, the gasps painful as his chest constricted.

"I - I shouldn't have said that," he said softly. "Please, let me go in there. I'll not come back again, but just this once, to see my child born. It's all I ask..."

"Chakotay...I - I didn't know... Kathryn...does she know how they d-died...?"

Chakotay wiped his brow in a tired gesture.

"I don't know," he sighed. "I don't know..."

Phoebe rested her hand on his shoulder; all the fight left her. She looked...remorseful, he thought.

"I - I'm sorry. I was hard on you... I'm sure you had reasons..."

He nodded, looking at the closed door with great hunger in his eyes. Phoebe noticed, then she touched the outline of his tattoo.

"You want to know how I can punish you more than you deserve, Chakotay?"

He shook his head. He felt beaten. Phoebe just rubbed salt in fresh wounds. He couldn't fight her anymore.

"If you don't go in there to be with her, my brother. She will be happier, Chakotay, with you by her side..."

***

Kathryn heard his voice as soon as Phoebe opened the door and almost, she wanted to climb off the bed and run to him. She raised herself from the pillows and fell back again as Sergei's hand touched her shoulder. She turned to Sergei. He smiled kindly, with eyes that told her she just had to be patient. Then she stared at the closed door again.

Chakotay was here! The blood rushed through her body, touching every organ, every sinew and every nerve as it always did, only this time it added the good news so that it felt as if her whole body was singing and Hannah was singing along with her. She felt herself being lifted, higher and higher she went, soaring away and coming to rest gently on a cloud of happiness. The knowledge of Chakotay's presence burst into her brain and burned through her, overriding the contraction that made her arch and stiffen. This time it was Sergei who held her hand and waited for the pain to subside. She didn't cry out, but instead, kept her head turned to the door.

It was his voice she heard - dear, dear voice, sounding intimate and beloved and worried all at once. She could only get the most fleeting glimpse of him before Phoebe closed the door again, but she knew that in the next few minutes, if not sooner, Chakotay would be standing next to her and he would hold her hand and soothe away all her fears and hurt and yearning and tell her everything would be alright.

She had dreamed of him. In the beginning, the dreams had woken her in the middle of the night and terrorised her, telling her strange tales of a man who loved her once, then left her to live alone to the end of her days. The dreams showed her the face of another woman with him and then both of them would taunt her with their laughing. Most nights she woke up crying, and she had no idea how she got to be crying. Then she'd lie awake, and try not to think at all, her body straight and stiff and unloved. Then she would give up and cry again until she fell into another restless slumber. She had other dreams. Dreams of Chakotay walking next to his father, the two of them so alike in everything. Other times she'd dream of the baby looking like the woman who slept with him. Then she'd wake up gasping again. Most of the time, she just missed him.

And always, when she woke in the middle of the night, her hand would rest on the empty space next to her.

She had been afraid of that loneliness, so afraid. It was not so much in the physical aloneness that her fear was rooted, but the knowledge that he would never return to her; that despite her feelings that had never changed, despite his own declaration of unending love, he would be somewhere in this universe, away from her. All that happened would lie between them like a mountain, or the deepest chasm over which they could not build another bridge. If they did build a bridge, it would teeter, swing to and fro precariously on its fragile ropes before it broke and plunged them into the depths.

She had known of darkness and of pain and of hell and of never wanting to come back from that darkness. She had known it when her father and Justin died; she had known it when the man on the other side of that door left her. Now he was here, and her heart soared to the heavens. His voice had sounded so achingly familiar.

Why didn't he come in?

She turned to Sergei who was still holding her hand. Her mother stood on the other side of her and smoothed her matted hair away from her face.

"He's here..." she breathed softly.

"Yes, Kathryn," Gretchen said gently, "Chakotay is here..."

"Mom, he - " Kathryn started, but the door opened. Gretchen and Sergei moved away quietly, allowing Kathryn full view of her husband.

Chakotay walked to the bed, slowly, hesitant. Kathryn closed her eyes for a second, then she opened them to look at him again. There was no smile; his whole face was tense, and a nerve in his jaw twitched. He stood next to the bed, his hands stiffly at his sides, as if he waited...

Waited...

Kathryn's hand reached for his face, and he bent down so that she could touch him. Chakotay's eyes closed as Kathryn traced with trembling fingers the outline of the mark that stretched from his temple to curl and straighten just above his left eyebrow. His face felt warm to her touch, the skin slightly damp. He looked like Kolopak, she thought with wonder. Chakotay and Kolopak. Kolopak and Chakotay... Was there ever a difference? She pulled his face closer to hers and only then, from deep inside her, the sob swelled and rose until she could contain it no longer. Her cry when it came, burst from her and muffled as Kathryn felt herself lifted into his arms, her face pressed into his neck. His arms were around her, warm, protective. He gave a deep shudder.

"Oh, Chakotay..."

***

He was afraid, as afraid as he had never been in his life when he entered the room. He could see only Kathryn as she lay on the high bed. All the other figures in the room receded into a haze, moved graciously away so that only Kathryn and Chakotay could be seen in an aura of light that spread around the two of them.

Yet he couldn't move. He had not seen her in months; he had not touched her or kissed her or just looked at her as if he could never tire of looking at her.

He would never tire of looking at Kathryn Janeway.

The first time he had seen her, she had opened her door for him. She had stood with the light behind her creating a halo around her. The moment had been as stunning as it was sacred. In his heart that day, he knew that he would love Kathryn Janeway forever. There were no prior considerations, no doubts, no thinking that something might grow from that meeting. He just knew in that moment, if she vanished from the face of the earth forever, that he loved her. He had been searching all his life for someone who would become his reason for living. Kathryn Janeway opened her door and opened her heart and allowed a lonely, searching, angry warrior man into it and gave him peace.

He couldn't speak. He just looked at her, afraid that she might send him away after all, afraid that she might punish him. Somewhere in his subconscious he knew Kathryn wouldn't do that, but he couldn't help thinking it. So he let her see his fear.

In a daze he watched her hand come up to touch his face. In a daze he felt her trembling fingers creep along the outline of his tattoo. His eyes closed at the wonder of feeling her hand on his face. When he opened his eyes again, he saw how hungry her own eyes were.

He saw something else.

Kathryn knew.

In that moment he scooped her into his arms and held her as she sobbed for a few minutes heartbrokenly. His tears mingled with hers, soaked into his uniform and washed away some of his pain. Chakotay pressed her closer to him, kissed her hair, her forehead, the wet eyelashes which caught her tears only to drop them onto his hands, burning wondrously over his skin.

When he finally released her, she still could not stop touching his face, his tattoo. Everything was reaffirmed, made blessed again. His hand finally rested on her stomach.

Only then he spoke.

"Hannah..."

And Kathryn said: "She waited for you... Happy birthday, Chakotay..."

His eyes filled with tears. He looked at his wife again for long, long moments. Kathryn pulled him to rest his head against her bosom, and she caressed his head. Then her body arched again as another contraction started and Chakotay, surprised, lifted his head. Like someone drowning, her hand reached for him and he held on to her, gripping tightly as she cried out. His other hand was on her head. He held her until the pain subsided and Kathryn collapsed back against the pillows. Only then they became aware again of the people around them, and Elizabeth stood on the other side, gracing Chakotay with a beatific smile as she held the hypospray in her hand. Kathryn looked at her, her eyes widening; then she turned to look at Chakotay, as if she were saying she didn't want to be free of the pain.

"Baby is still a few hours away, Captain," Elizabeth addressed Chakotay. "I believe I should call you Captain..."

Kathryn's eyes widened again. She never noticed the four pips on his collar, and before she could react, Chakotay bent over and kissed her.

Sergei and Gretchen also approached, and Gretchen's hand rested on Chakotay's shoulder.

"We'll leave you two for a while, Chakotay."

"So," Elizabeth asked, "would you object to my delaying the pain of the contractions for about an hour, Kathryn?"

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. Her hand was still held protectively in his. They had so much to talk about, and Dorvan V lay like a mountain before him. Kathryn turned to Elizabeth Paris and nodded. A few moments later Elizabeth administered the painkiller and Kathryn gave a small sigh of relief. Only Elizabeth Paris remained, stationing herself at the back of the room, monitoring the progress of the baby. Chakotay had finally managed to seat himself in the chair next to the bed. He released her hand and stared with wonder at her swollen belly, stroking it, then looking with glazed eyes at her.

He couldn't smile, but he was overawed. His mother's face flashed before him and for a moment, Chakotay's eyes became clouded again, and almost, he allowed a sob to escape him. Kathryn's hand crept into his where it had rested on her stomach. With her other hand she cupped his cheek.

"Tell me how they died, Chakotay," she asked softly.

He paled, his hand stilling under hers. He wanted to look away, but her hand that had cupped his cheek, gently held him so that he couldn't look away.

"Tell me..." she said softly.

"I - " he started.

"Please..."

"They died, all of them," he whispered, his voice so low that she strained to hear him.

"Chakotay, I know what the Cardassians did to many Bajorans..."

He nodded.

"They raped the women... m-my mother..." He choked for a second and gave a few sobs. Kathryn pressed his head against her bosom again. When he could find his voice, he raised his head and looked at her. "My father was made to - to watch. They broke every bone in his body, but he was still alive when I found him..."

Chakotay was still a long time after that, staring pensively at a point on the opposite wall. He gave a deep sigh.

"We buried them according to their custom. Kathryn, at the - the end, my father, he died peacefully, in my arms..."

"Chakotay..."

"It's painful, Kathryn. I see them, all lying dead. I see them all the time. Please..."

"Remember what your father said, Chakotay?" Kathryn chided gently. When Chakotay shook his head, she gave him a little teary smile, a tender remembrance of the man who guided her through her first vision quest. "He said we should share our pain, for in that sharing, we halve it. When you tell me everything, I take some of your pain and make it mine, my love. Do you understand?"

"He said that to you?"

This time she nodded and pulled him closer. He kissed her tenderly.

"You father said that," she said when she could breathe again. For the first time he smiled, then his face became sober as another sad thought caught him.

"What is it, Chakotay?"

"Sedeka...she - "

Kathryn stilled a moment, then closed her eyes briefly before she braved the look on his face.

"You don't need to tell me, Chakotay...I know there is a truth. But I don't need to know it, to forgive...You gave me your heart unconditionally; I gave mine, and so will my forgiveness be..."

Chakotay's eyes burned with shame. He fell against her and shuddered, Kathryn holding him close to her. She waited for the sobs to subside, all the time caressing him until he became calm again.

"It was a plot to get me off Dorvan V," he said haltingly. "Sedeka and Gul Evek had planned it from the start...

And so Chakotay told his Kathryn the truth about what happened on Dorvan V. He did not spare himself when he spoke; he was secure in the knowledge that he could trust Kathryn now, and that it was good to allow her to take some of his pain and make it hers. He left nothing out, and even spoke of the time he had tried to make contact with her, and how he felt when she shut him out. He could tell her about the drugs Sedeka used, how it cleverly camouflaged the drink he had taken. He told her how he had taken samples of everything he ate and drank that day and gave it to Sergei to analyse.

"Sergei knew, Chakotay? Of your innocence?"

Chakotay's eyes closed.

"Forgive me, Kathryn."

"Then it is good he didn't tell me. If I forgave you because Sergei told me of your innocence, it would have been conditional, Chakotay. Don't you think?" He was quiet a few seconds. He loved her. She had a heart that was bigger than he ever dreamed. Kathryn continued, "Then it would appear like I took you back only after I heard the truth, instead of acting in faith..."

He nodded gravely. Yes, he felt better. A wound that festered so long, has finally been cleansed. He gave a deep, shuddering sigh.

"Kathryn..."

"Yes?"

He sighed again.

"Only one body on Dorvan V was unaccounted for..."

"Chakotay...? Is it someone we know?" Kathryn asked.

Chakotay closed his eyes, the burn behind his eyelids threatening to well into tears.

"Winonah is missing..."

"Oh, Chakotay..."

So he told her of Winonah, how they thought that she may have been taken by the Cardassians to a labour camp. He held nothing back, not afraid to show his fear that Winonah might be dead after all. He told her how convinced he was that she was still alive somewhere. She was still so small, and had spoken so much of her Aunt Kathryn who was the captain of a starship... Kathryn made him promise over and over that he should never stop searching for little Winonah who was all alone without her family. Chakotay told her how Roshana's arms were broken and that he suspected she had held on to her little girl until she couldn't anymore.

They spoke in soft, comforting tones. Chakotay's voice hardly rose above a whisper, but she could listen to his voice forever. She told him how she loved his letter and how his letter gave her hope. She told him how happy she was with the nursery and the rocking chair he made her. She was happy to be back in their home, and she promised him she wouldn't peep in his bottom drawer to look at her birthday gift.

Chakotay cried at times and Kathryn consoled, offered him the solace he craved. Sometimes, he lay against her and her hand cradled his head. Chakotay's hand would creep to her stomach and it would rest there as he spoke with his daughter. Kathryn smiled, her face suffused with joy that Chakotay was at last with her. He spoke at times haltingly of how the Federation failed his people and how his father lay in his arms dying. When Sergei wanted to help, Kolopak, who knew that he would not live to see another sun rise, told him he was eager to go.

"He - he said 'Alive, I am dead without my Hannah', Kathryn."

"He said that?" she asked softly.

"Yes, Kolopak said that."

Elizabeth Paris who had been busy at the computers monitoring the progress of mother and baby, could not hear what Kathryn and Chakotay spoke, but she did not need to hear them talk. It was the way they touched, the way he looked at his wife and the way Kathryn put all of her trust in Chakotay as she looked at him. Elizabeth had seen her patient slide into depression and lose interest in her baby, and now, looking at husband and wife, it was all she could tell her friend Gretchen later: how devoted Chakotay was to his wife, and how Kathryn had forgiven her husband. The two were bathed in the circle of light overhead, while the rest of the room waited. Elizabeth looked up from time to time and sometimes just smiled tenderly. She thought what a good idea it was to give them the hour that Kathryn and Chakotay could talk without the interruption of feeling the pain of her contractions.

But now, she decided, baby was about to make herself heard and Sergei could come in and help as he promised.

The painkiller Elizabeth Paris administered, began to wear off and Kathryn could feel the pain of the contractions again. She stirred and gave a little moan. Only then the others returned, with Sergei jovial and Gretchen blasé about such things as giving birth. Chakotay held Kathryn's hand and encouraged her to breathe. Kathryn cried out sometimes, and always when she did, her face was turned to her husband. Kathryn and Chakotay lost track of time as he helped her through the contractions, while Sergei and Elizabeth were kept busy by a little baby who was in a hurry to be born. Chakotay braved Kathryn's cries and the one or two occasions she told him off for being late and putting her in such a situation.

"Almost there," Sergei cried happily as Hannah crowned.

"Just hold it there, Kathryn," said Elizabeth, "I tell you when to push..."

Kathryn held her breath for a few moments before Elizabeth gave the order to push again.

"Kathryn..." came Chakotay's voice to her from afar, it seemed, "our little girl is almost here..."

"Now, Kathryn...push..."

Kathryn complied, and seconds later Hannah's plaintive little cry filled the room.

Kathryn didn't look at her baby in those first moments; her eyes were on her husband. She gave a great sob as Elizabeth gently placed the infant - still with her umbilicus - on her bosom. Kathryn's hands covered the baby's body and Chakotay placed his own large hand softly over Kathryn.

"Here she is, Chakotay," Kathryn said tremulously, "our little Hannah..." She gave a sob. "Oh, Hannah!" Kathryn cried out and Chakotay knew that Kathryn cried for his mother who died. She wept brokenly and all Chakotay could do, was just hold his wife and baby while Kathryn sobbed her heart out. When finally the crying stopped, he wiped her face while Sergei and Elizabeth took Hannah and cleaned her up.

"Everything will be fine, Kathryn, don't worry," said Sergei and Chakotay nodded too, squeezing Kathryn's hand. Kathryn's eyes followed Elizabeth as the doctor worked on Hannah, who had become quiet as she was bathed.

A hand touched Chakotay's shoulder and he looked round to see Gretchen standing behind him. He gave a smile, his eyes swimming with tears.

"You can take a rest, now, Chakotay. We'll just tend to her here and then she'll go into her ward."

Chakotay nodded, realising only now how late it was. Kathryn's eyes were already drooping, but she still held on fast to his hand. Reluctantly he let go of her and with a bewildered air he left the room. Outside he was met by Phoebe who looked at him with apprehension in her eyes.

"Thank you," he told her, "for giving me my little family..."

"You're welcome, brother..."

***

It was very late and in Kathryn's room it was quiet. Chakotay had been home where he cleaned himself and returned as quickly as he could. Then he spent some time in Dr Paris's office before finally making it into the ward. Hannah lay sleeping in her little bassinet, and just as he had always pictured his little girl. She lay on her back, her head to the side. After Hannah had been bathed and wrapped again in her receiver, Chakotay had held her to Kathryn, who was already sleepy as she took her baby from Chakotay.

"She looks like you, Chakotay," Kathryn said dreamily.

"Oh, no, I swear she had the bluest eyes I ever saw."

"Liar."

"Very blue, Kathryn. She'll be smart naturally, like her Mommy."

"Did you count her fingers and toes?"

"All present," he replied. "But sweetheart, Hannah has a small strawberry mark on her back..."

"That's okay, Chakotay. But Hannah must have your dimples. I can see her hair is pitch black."

They had been quiet for a few seconds, then Kathryn touched his tattoo.

"You went to the Rubber Tree People..."

He nodded.

"Your father knew, Chakotay."

"I know, my love. I know..."

Chakotay watched his wife and daughter, both sleeping. He felt at peace, but he knew he had work to do. Winonah was still missing. He had to find her. Kathryn made him promise, but he had already made that vow. Very gently Chakotay bent over the little bassinet and pinned the gold broach to Hannah's frilly white bib. It read simply: Hannah. He kissed the baby and her skin felt incredibly soft. When he stood back again, he stroked Hannah's downy black hair.

Chakotay turned to Kathryn who lay on her side, one hand under her chin. He felt his eyes burn. He smoothed her golden strands away from her face, slipped his hand under the pillow as he bent down to kiss her. She gave a little moan at the touch of his lips on her cheek. Chakotay took Kathryn's free hand and placed the orange-peach rose in her hand. Still she didn't wake up at the disturbance.

For long, long moments he stood watching them. He thought of the eagles Grey Eagle had made them and Kathryn's question.

And if it breaks?

Chakotay gave a deep sigh and left the room. Outside, Gretchen Janeway and Phoebe stood. He hugged Gretchen for long moments, and when he held Kathryn's mother away from him, he touched her cheek. Then he turned to Phoebe and drew her into his embrace too.

"Please," he asked quietly, "take good care of my little family. You're all I have."

***

Kathryn Janeway woke to the sensation that Chakotay was gone.

Her eyes opened, and lying on her side she could see the rose he placed in her hand. She thought idly that it was just like Chakotay to present her with a peace rose. She gave a tender smile as she lifted herself to place the rose on the bed stand.

That was when she noticed the paper peeping from under the pillow. She smiled again as she removed the letter, only to find it was not one, but two, each tied individually with a pink satin ribbon. Her name was on the large folded letter.

Her heart thumped wildly for a few seconds. She looked lovingly at her little daughter sleeping so peacefully before she opened the letter.

END CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

EMAIL

J/C FANFIC

I don't always append something personal in my notes at the end of a chapter. This time I felt that I wanted to, since I have written a scene which we have ourselves experienced. When Kathryn gives birth, she cries not for the birth of her baby, but for Chakotay's mother who died at the hands of the Cardassians. 

On 31 July 1996 my mother collapsed while praying on the phone with her prayer partner. She died minutes later. On the same day, some hours after she died, my youngest brother's wife, Wardiah, gave birth to her first born, a little girl. Wardiah wept uncontrollably in the minutes after her baby's birth, for, she said: "her little girl will never know the kindest woman who breathed on Earth." 

vanhunks

June 2002