CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

Indiana - June 2372

It was a warm day, one of those summer days that made many venture to the outdoors, to sit under trees, spend a day at the beach, or just browse in the Academy gardens and watch Boothby trim his rose bushes with great diligence.

Once - was it only three months ago? - Kathryn thought that Indiana at any time looked beautiful; on that day, she had watched Hannah and Winonah play in their sand pit just outside the house, with an over energetic Ceara digging away to her heart's content. Then, she had not known that within days she would be called to go out in a second attempt to rescue Chakotay. Now, Chakotay was with them, enfolded in the warm cocoon that was family. Now, with summer upon them, the days were flying by and the warmth came and settled in them, becoming  a balm for their battered spirits.

Kathryn peered through the window of the lounge. Not far from the house stood their large oak tree, the same oak where Chakotay had carved their names. He was sitting on a bench, an afghan rug thrown loosely over his legs. Around him the children were playing, with Ceara barking and running after them. Chakotay followed their movements, and she could see him smile at Hannah's antics, or the dog's, or Winonah running to stop Hannah from pulling Ceara's long ears. Hannah was now eighteen months old, already able to speak in clear, albeit two word sentences. Winonah had grown a few centimetres in the last six months and she was open, almost as exuberant as Hannah, although there had been nights when she had a nightmare, and Chakotay had counselled her, guiding her through her trauma.

Chakotay's hands rested loosely on his lap, and the book - his own copy of Omar Khayyám's Rubáiyát - lay on the ground. It must have slid off his lap and he had made no effort to pick it up; he was too interested in the children's cavorting. Earlier she had gone to quieten them a bit, but Chakotay merely lifted his hand, indicating that they weren't a disturbance.

A tender smile curved around her mouth. Perched against the tree was his walking stick. It was the same one he used the first time she’d met him. Although he had pulled a few funny faces at having to use it again, he was sensible enough to know it would aid him in his recovery. In the first weeks he had used the delete ‘the’ crutches, something he knew he had to do, but which he hated. She had always managed to keep the children out of his way when he was in extreme pain. Once, at their apartment, Chakotay had been sitting in his chair in the lounge and the children had been extra lively, running around him, Hannah screaming at the top of her voice. Then he had given a loud bark of annoyance, followed by a curse. Winonah had stopped in her tracks, her eyes filling so suddenly with tears that Hannah, seeing her sister crying, burst into tears also. Chakotay had given her a resigned look, beckoned to both children to sit on his lap and apologised to them.  She had quietly fetched the medkit and given Chakotay a painkiller while he was still soothing the children.

Now, finally, Chakotay could walk unaided most of the time, only using the walking stick when he experienced undue stress, although he disliked depending on it just as much as he had years earlier.  They had been home three months now, after a difficult beginning. 

Too difficult, she thought as she remembered the first few weeks...

She had been almost paranoid about protecting Chakotay from the media who wanted to get a glimpse of a war hero, a "son of the Federation" as they hailed him. He had been transferred to Starfleet Medical, under the care of Tom's mother as well as Sergei, who had overseen his care on the journey home. The admirals had been generous. She was to remain on compassionate leave and assist Chakotay in his convalescence until she wished to return to active duty. Eamon Daley would command Voyager in her absence.

Chakotay's recovery had been nothing short of miraculous, and Kathryn was convinced that it was because he was home with family and with everyone close. who cared about him. Their presence, their words of encouragement had given Chakotay the added impetus to speed his own healing. He expressed his gratitude to her mother, Phoebe and Adam, and thanked them for taking care of his wife and daughter.

The first time Chakotay opened his eyes in the ward at Starfleet Medical and saw Elizabeth Paris, he had reached for the doctor's hand in a spontaneous gesture of welcome, even though he was still so critically ill. Then he wanted to see Hannah and Winonah immediately, the entreaty and agitation in his eyes almost unbearable to witness.

"You're not out of the woods yet, Chakotay. It's too soon - "

"Kathryn...I haven't seen Hannah in almost a year...and Winonah... Please..."

Kathryn had known in those moments when Chakotay closed his eyes, the beads of perspiration forming on his brow, the way his breathing became ragged, that he would only rest once he had seen the children.

It had been an effort to calm Hannah down when she and Gretchen arrived at the hospital. The baby couldn't stop wriggling or stand still when she insisted she toddle next to Winonah, holding her sister's hand. She had been told that she was going to see her Daddy, and after that she had been unmanageable. Kathryn had always marvelled at the way Hannah sensed her father, even though she had seen him only twice in real life. The moments after she was born hardly counted, but when she was five months old, she had recognised her father who had been given the opportunity to visit on Kathryn's birthday. Kathryn had given a sigh. Hannah kept calling "Daddy, Daddy" to any person she spotted on her way to the hospital, and Kathryn thought the child was telling everyone she was going to visit her daddy in hospital.

Winonah had been far more demure in her preparation to visit her Uncle Chakotay. Only the previous night, she had asked if she could call Uncle Chakotay "Daddy" like Hannah was doing all the time. Kathryn had been touched, scooping Winonah to her and assuring her that her Uncle Chakotay wouldn't mind being her daddy. Her own father who died would not have minded.

Winonah, who had been uncertain before then, had given Kathryn her brightest smile, then hugged her fiercely, an action witnessed by Hannah, who promptly demanded the same thing.

Gretchen had waited outside with Winonah while Kathryn entered the private ward, carrying Hannah.

Kathryn's heart had thumped wildly as she walked in. Chakotay lay awake, cushions piled under his head so that he was raised on the bed. He stared for so long when Kathryn stood before the bed, that she wondered for a moment what was going on in his head. He blinked, trying to hold back his tears.

"Hannah..."

"Daddy! Daddy!" Hannah crowed, almost pitching right out of Kathryn's arms as she leaned towards her father.

This time Chakotay's eyes welled with tears. Kathryn seated herself on the side of the bed and as he stretched out his arms to his daughter. He held the child tightly to him, stroking her hair, kissing her cheeks. When Hannah moved away from him a little, she surprised Chakotay when she cupped his cheeks in her own pudgy little hands and planted a kiss firmly on his lips.

"She's grown, Kathryn..." Chakotay said, his voice filled with wonder.

"I...beeg, Daddy," Hannah proclaimed proudly, spreading her arms wide just to indicate how much she had grown. Then she hugged her Daddy to her again, kissed him on his chin while she wriggled so much that he had trouble just holding her steady.

"You're like Mommy, sweetie. She couldn't sit still much, either."

"Daddy! Love Daddy," Hannah affirmed her affection and allegiance again and the next moment, she laid her head against Chakotay's chest, and closed her eyes, her thumb going uncharacteristically into her mouth. It was quiet for a few seconds in which Hannah savoured her father's smell, just being close to him. "Love Daddy," she murmured before she started sobbing. Her reaction amazed both Kathryn and Chakotay and they realised how much being away from his daughter had affected the little girl. Chakotay murmured soft words to her, and before long, Hannah was quiet again.

"She's beautiful, Kathryn..."

"She's you..."

"Thank you for keeping my memory alive for her."

"I promised she'd never forget you."

"Her hair has grown long..." Chakotay said reflectively.

"She won't even let me trim the ends, you know. It's because Winonah's hair is so long..."

"Winonah..."

"She's waiting, Chakotay..."

Kathryn moved to take Hannah and the child fought her momentarily until Kathryn  tugged her away from Chakotay's arms.

"We see Daddy tomorrow, okay, Hannah? We'll come visit again..." she soothed the irate child, who didn’t want to leave her father and who kept pitching forward just to touch him. Kathryn held her so that Chakotay could kiss her and when Hannah had planted wet kisses against his chin, Kathryn finally managed to walk to the door, with Hannah still leaning so that she could get a last glimpse of her father.

Outside the door, Gretchen was quick to take Hannah from Kathryn, and Winonah edged closer to her.

"Come, Uncle Chakotay is ready to see you," Kathryn said softly as she noted Winonah's reticence.

Winonah stood near the door, looking with large eyes at Chakotay. He looked much better than he had in the days immediately following his rescue, but to Winonah he must have appeared still too ill, sitting up in bed, his face turned to her. Chakotay held out his hand.

"Come here, Wenonah..." Chakotay said softly, giving her name a different inflection.

Winonah closed the gap slowly and when she stood in front of the bed, Chakotay stared at her for so long that Kathryn thought he had forgotten she was there. He glanced at Kathryn finally, and his eyes looked distraught. Kathryn knew he was remembering the day they had gone to Dorvan V, the day the crew of the Ormskirk searched all the villages for bodies and prepared them for burial. Kathryn knew Chakotay remembered carrying Winonah's mother outside and telling Sergei it was his sister. She knew he remembered placing Winonah's mother and father and her uncles, her grandparents and her cousin Tomaso on the funereal pyre and himself setting it alight and committing his family to the sky spirits. She knew Chakotay remembered the last time he had seen Winonah, sitting on Kathryn's lap and saying she wanted to visit Aunt Kathryn and Uncle Chakotay on Earth. His eyes were riveted to the child's innocent face, her wide, shy eyes, the long raven hair.  

Winonah looked up at Kathryn and Kathryn sensed her request. She lifted Winonah onto the bed, and Chakotay pulled the child gently in his embrace. Winonah, no longer shy of the sick man on the high bed, stretched out next to him, throwing her arm across his chest while he held her close to him. The child was quiet, just idly rubbing Chakotay's chest while he caressed her cheek, her hair, sometimes dropping a kiss on her head. Then he rested his lips long on the top of her head and closed his eyes. Kathryn saw the frown forming and knew that in a second, tears would squeeze through closed eyelids.

The tears came, soaking into Winonah's hair; Chakotay's body shook lightly and Kathryn wondered if he was running a fever again. His face and neck skin appeared damp, sweaty, and hot. Winonah's hand crept to Chakotay's cheek where she felt the tears that coursed down; she looked at her wet fingers in fascination, then lifted her face to him.

Still, she didn't speak. It was as if the child were mute again and only relying on touch, sight and smell. She nuzzled her face against his chest and stayed that way for several seconds. Kathryn waited patiently. Chakotay was Winonah’s only living blood relative and the bond was very, very strong. Winonah was only just beginning to establish that bond with her, with Hannah, with Grandma Gretchen and Grandpa Adam and Aunt Phoebe. They were now an extended family surrounding their new daughter with love and a sense of belonging. Kathryn knew that Winonah's trauma would remain with her, but now that they were all together, it would be easier for the child to deal with it. She had her Uncle Chakotay, her Aunt Kathryn whom she had only recently started calling 'Mommy', and her new grandparents to support her and guide her through her darker periods.

Chakotay opened his eyes at last.

"Winonah..."

"Yes, Uncle?" came the child's words softly and Chakotay's eyes lit up at the melodious sound of Winonah's voice.

"I always knew we would find you..."

"Mommy found me."

"Mommy?" Chakotay looked at Kathryn, his eyes suddenly alive.

"Yes. I call her Mommy now. Mama and Papa...they are with the sky spirits..."

"They know you are being looked after, my little girl..."

Winonah sat up to look at Chakotay.

"I know, Daddy..."

"Daddy?"

"Yes." There was a breathlessness about Winonah when next she spoke. "I am Hannah's sister now..." she announced proudly.

"Ah, so I'm your Daddy now."

"And my surname is Janeway and I'm 'ficially adopted."

"I told Mommy to do that for us while I was still gone."

"Yes, and now I'm going to school and one day - one day I'm going to the Academy and become a Science Officer."

"Honey...you're jumping the gun there a bit," Chakotay said, his eyes soft and loving as he stroked Winonah's hair.

"It's only ten years from now, Daddy."

"Why did I even say it."

"Come, Winonah. Daddy is getting tired now," Kathryn said as she lifted Winonah off the bed. Chakotay was flagging again, like the waves that washed him out onto the sand and he preferred just to lie there and wait for the waves to lift him again. He gave a sigh of relief once Winonah's weight was taken off him.

The moment they were alone together, Chakotay's hand reached for her. He looked tired, sleepy, but he battled to keep his eyes open.

"It's good to be home, Kathryn..."

"It's good to have you with us again," she said, her voice thick.

"They look alike. I didn't realise the resemblance was that strong."

"Most people think they're sisters anyway."

"I'm glad. Something of my homeworld has been saved. Thank you, Kathryn."

The eyes that gazed at her were fevered again, his hand gripping hers tighter. It meant the world to him that Winonah was with them at last; it meant the world to him to see his family once more  She hadn't wanted to think again of the last moments on Voyager, the fleeting fear in his eyes just before he transported to Evek's ship. They were together and more than anything, that was important.

"You should rest..."

"I want to go home.'

"Doctor Paris and Sergei will decide, Chakotay. Your legs - "

"I want to feel you in my arms again," he replied, ignoring her words.

She leaned over to kiss him, a lingering touch on his lips that spread through her like fire. His hand cupped her head and for long, long moments, he held her to him. She could feel her tears coming again. When she broke contact at last, she straightened up, sighing.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said.

"Yes...tomorrow..."

***** 

In the days that followed, Chakotay had been like a bear with a sore head. Sergei had to reset his legs again, and the resultant and persistent pain had made him irritable, a frown always present when she came to visit. It was worse when she brought the children.

Hannah was particularly over-energetic and had taken to jumping on him when placed on his lap. Kathryn had quickly learned to hold on to Hannah, who constantly demanded her Daddy's attention, and allow Winonah to talk to him.

Most days he tried to curb his irritability, trying hard not to show that he was still in pain. Slowly Chakotay's condition improved. Elizabeth Paris had been in attendance the day he requested once again that he go home or he'd discharge himself.

"You'll have to use these," Dr Paris said, pointing to the silver, elbow braced crutches.

"I can get along without them," he said curtly, sitting up in bed. Kathryn had been standing next to him and when she touched his shoulder, he had been stiff and unbending. She had given a sigh. She wanted very much for Chakotay to be home with them, but she knew that a few extra days in hospital would do him the world of good.

"Actually, Captain, you're going to need them for a while," Elizabeth parried. Chakotay had given her a long stare and finally acquiesced.

"Fine. But only for a short while. I will get rid of them myself."

"Sergei said - "

"I don't care what Sergei said, Doctor Paris."

"Chakotay!" Kathryn interjected, "you know it's for your - "

Chakotay had gripped Kathryn's hand tightly, a film of perspiration forming on his upper lip. Kathryn could see the pain in his eyes, though Chakotay never cried out.

"I know what's for my own good, Kathryn," he said in fevered haste. "When I lie in bed and hold you in my arms after almost a whole year, then I'll know that I'm home..."

Elizabeth Paris had given a light snort.

"Naturally, you'll take full responsibility for your discharge, Chakotay."

Chakotay had given the doctor a look of remorse. He gave a deep sigh, pulling Kathryn closer to him; she could feel the heat of him, from more than just the fever of his now cleared virus. He was fevered by the passion of his words, the absolute truth of them and the belief that he really would accelerate his own recovery by coming home. She hadn't the heart to tell him how much noise Hannah and Winonah made in the early evening, after Winonah had completed her homework and they were getting ready for their dinner.

"Yes, Doctor."

"Not before tomorrow, then. I still have a few tests to run and your friend Sergei is devising a new little contraption to knit those together properly..."

Chakotay had given another relieved sigh and hauled Kathryn back into his arms again. He was sitting up, legs swinging over the edge of the bed. Earlier he had taken a few steps with the help of his crutches and she could see that it wouldn't be long before he'd graduate to his walking stick. She’d never recycled the old one he had when she met him the first time.

"I love you, Kathryn..." he murmured into her hair. When she prepared to leave, he had given her a lingering kiss and she realised idly that she could understand why Chakotay was in a hurry to get home. She felt the delicious ripples of pleasure going through her, and she made her exit quickly before Elizabeth Paris witnessed some prolonged lovemaking right there in the ward.

************** 

Kathryn had been busy with Hannah's midday feed when she heard a sound at the front door. Before she could respond, she heard the door open and seconds later, feet shuffled towards the kitchen.

"Chakotay!"

"Daddy!" crowed Hannah. Kathryn glanced quickly at Hannah to check she wasn't making a mess before grabbing hold of Chakotay who appeared to teeter.

"I was coming to fetch you at the hospital - " she breathed, concerned that he looked so tired still.

Chakotay gave a grimace. "I wanted to surprise you," he replied, lifting the crutch as if he wanted to throw it on some recycle heap. "And," he continued, "to get rid of these as soon as possible."

"Daddy! Daddy!"

"Hello, sweetie," Chakotay said as he ambled towards her and gave her a peck on the cheek.

"'lo, Daddy. I'm eating!"

"So I noticed," he said, smiling as he wiped her mouth.

Chakotay kissed Hannah again, then looked at Kathryn.

"I missed you too much," he whispered, and again, Kathryn could see the perspiration beads on his forehead, his upper lip, and how damp his skin felt.

"You need to go to bed, Chakotay."

"Any hope of you joining me there?" he suggested.

"As soon as I've settled Hannah," she replied, "then I'll see what I can do."

Chakotay gave her a dimpled smile that made her heart race, because the smile held so much promise. Then he kissed her, a lingering kiss that told her just how much he was going to wait for her. Hannah, seeing the embrace, demanded instantly that she be kissed too and Chakotay obliged. He turned to Kathryn.

"I'll be waiting," he murmured, then walked slowly to their bedroom.

Kathryn had hoped that Hannah would be asleep by the time she carried out her promise. Chakotay had showered and gone to bed without so much as a murmur. Still, she couldn't wait for Hannah to settle down. Once the child had seen her father, she demanded to play and be tickled by him, even talk to him in her fifteen month old childish chatter. Chakotay had just himself settled into bed, something that caused him to inhale deeply and sigh with relief that he was finally, after just over a year, in his own bed. Hannah had been fractious for a few minutes after that. Once she could get their daughter to calm down again, playing with her toys and promising that Hannah could play with Daddy once he woke up, she had finally stuck her thumb in her mouth, clutched B'Elanna's targ in her arms and fallen asleep. Hannah was still sleeping in the crib Chakotay had built for her. Since they had a third bedroom, Kathryn had felt it a good idea to have Winonah in her own bedroom.

In the end, she never did get a chance to join Chakotay. Winonah had returned from school, in tears when she entered the apartment.

"Hey, sweetie, what's the matter?" Kathryn asked.

"I have two projects I must work on, Mommy," Winonah said tearfully.

Kathryn had given a tender smile, and hugged Winonah. She remembered her own school days when she had panicked at times, running to her mother or her father when he happened to be home. She could do the work, she just needed their support. Winonah was no different, and coming from an entirely different system, still had to adapt to the rigours placed on even first graders to perform and achieve.

"Well, let’s see. What is it you have to do?" Kathryn asked, as she walked with Winonah to the kitchen.

There had followed about an hour of discussion in which Winonah managed to finish her meal, lay out her projects to Kathryn, get advice on how and where to start, before She could finally smile. The child was still so intense, Kathryn thought, but at least, with Hannah ever exuberant, it rubbed off on her and on many days, Kathryn could hear the two of them laughing. It was a good sound, hearing Winonah laugh.

Chakotay had gotten up later, and they all had an early dinner. Winonah busied herself in her room and Hannah was content just sitting on her father's lap, showing him her toys, planting moist kisses on his brow. Chakotay revelled in their attention, and there were moments she saw how his eyes closed as he held Hannah close to him, or the way he touched Winonah's cheek. She knew he was always thinking of the time he had been away from them, but about that Chakotay never really spoke, except what he had told  her on Voyager, about what happened to him on the Vetar. He remained silent about that and Kathryn didn't push him to open up to her. He would do it in his own time. She knew that some experiences were so painful, so shameful, that a person couldn’t talk about them at all.

Chakotay was a very strong man. Before he joined the Maquis, he had such a physical presence, an extremely muscular and exuding power. He was strong emotionally, and it was that inner strength blended with a sense of quiet about him, that had attracted her to him in the first place. She had fallen in love with him, sensing instinctively that she need never be afraid to love again, sensing in him a reciprocal understanding. The last time she had seen him, just before he transported to Evek's ship, was the last time she had seen a healthy looking Chakotay. He’d looked rugged, incredibly strong and very masculine in his Maquis dress.

Now, the man, who hours earlier arrived home from the hospital, looked emaciated. She hadn't wanted to say anything about his physical toning, but Chakotay had lost so much weight, looked so thin that the urge to cry was almost too much for her at times. He really looked like someone dying, she thought, as she reflected on the day they found him on Jarok. His cheeks were hollow, his eyes were sunken and he looked weak, so diametrically different from a year ago. The old fire was still there, and she had an idea that Chakotay would regain his healthy tone and weight in the next few months. Sergei had been right. Recovery would come in instalments, and...she sighed.

When she was finally ready for bed late that night, it had been with some anticipation. Chakotay had been sitting in his chair, watching her as she moved around the apartment, while the book he was reading lay open on his lap. Sometimes he dozed off for a few minutes and once, when he woke, she was sitting on the floor at his feet, idly rubbing his knee. They hadn't spoken, but it was enough for him, her presence and calmness soothing to him.

"I passed on all the information of about Cardassian torture methods to Starfleet Command."

"How is Freyne Detroit?" Chakotay asked, as if he hadn't heard her statement.

Kathryn sighed. Perhaps another time when Chakotay was ready to speak.

"He's recuperating. Doctor Paris is like his second mother - "

"He is Tom's best friend."

"I know. Admiral Paris and Elizabeth are fawning over him."

Chakotay had given her a long, intense look.

"It's all about family and belonging, isn't it, Kathryn?" he said eventually.

She had nodded her head, too overcome at his words.

"My - my crew, Kathryn?" he asked. It was the first time he’d asked directly about them. "What will happen to them?"

"I told you the Maquis had been exonerated months ago, Chakotay. Several of the Liberty's crew are crew of Voyager now. I gave them field commissions and Starfleet has accepted my recommendations. Some have joined other institutions or serving on other vessels. B'Elanna - "

"B'Elanna..."

"She's starting at the Academy in two months' time."

Chakotay nodded his satisfaction at hearing that. "She's a brilliant engineer."

"I know! She broke Joe Carey's nose twice in the last months because he wasn't quick enough for her..."

Chakotay rubbed the back of her hand.

"I told you she's the best."

Soon though, Chakotay flagged again and he rose heavily to his feet. The crutches lay on the floor and he left them. She offered her shoulder for him and he leaned on her while walking to the bedroom where he sagged gratefully on the bed.

"Come here," he ordered as he shifted on the bed and patted the space next to him.

She had taken off her robe and joined him on the bed, giving a sigh when he pulled her into his arms, feeling his mouth on her cheek, closing her eyes in which tears had started to well. His breath fanned her cheeks, and she nuzzled his face in his neck, inhaling him.

She’d missed him. She’d missed him so much. Her movements had become frantic, the old terror that she would lose him taking hold of her again. But Chakotay was marvellous. Checking himself, he had soothed her, caressed her hair, her face, sometimes just kissing her lightly on the lips. She pressed closer.

"Don't cry," he whispered. "I'm not going anywhere this time..."

It had been a balm to her, hearing his words of comfort when she thought he was the one needing solace.

That first night they had fallen asleep in one another's arms, without ever allowing the thought that they could be making love to blight their almost spiritual togetherness. She had held him to her, and he had lain on his back so that her palm could rest on his broad chest and she could dreamily think of scores of other times when they had lain like that. It was a closeness that transcended the purely physical, Kathryn thought that first night. Her tears had dried after that, and she simply revelled lying in her husband's arms while he stroked her arm, with her hand on his chest; he occasionally leaned towards her to kiss her hair, or her forehead.

"I thought of you always, Kathryn," he breathed later against her hair.

"I know. It's why you are here..."

"Yes..."

They talked little, just content to touch, immerse themselves in feeling close.

"Do you have pain?" she asked later.

"Nothing I can't control..."

She had his reports of the excruciating pain he’d endured; her interviews with Freyne Detroit and Captain Gredor were witness to how Chakotay had battled not to lose control.

"Tell me when you need anything, Chakotay," she whispered against his neck, still concerned that he might be in pain.

"Don't worry. I'll live through this like I lived through it the first time..."

"You were not very exemplary then," she replied, remembering how he had given Doctor Paris some grief with his boorish behaviour.

"I promise to behave..."

"Good."

Then it was quiet again for a long time until Kathryn could feel how Chakotay's breathing eased and evened out. The hand that covered hers on his chest, went limp and slid down.

"Chakotay...?"

He was asleep.

**** 

Kathryn sighed deeply as she watched Chakotay with the children, Ceara running furiously about them. Now, almost three months later, He was far more at peace with himself. He loved his daughters, and the children were completely besotted with having their father around and being able to play with him. Hannah was eighteen months old and toddled about confidently. Winonah was progressing at a remarkable rate, especially since Chakotay's return.

He used only a walking stick these days; however now, with the colder weather settling in, he sometimes had pain, which she noticed only when she woke up in the middle of the night to find his place next to her cold. Then she'd walk to the lounge to discover him sitting in his big chair, or standing at the wide window. Most times when she found him there, she would remain up with him, rubbing his legs, but not speaking. He refused to take pain killers, insisting that he could deal with it and that he would heal naturally.

But delete ‘but’ watching Chakotay now, seeing how peaceful he is, and ready to resume work again, Kathryn thought of the man who was ashamed to consummate their union again. It had been what she feared and what she suspected that very first night, when he returned from the hospital and they were just content lying in one another's arms, that something was wrong, or missing.

Not once that night did Chakotay touch her breasts, or her intimate area as she’d expected. It was something she desired. She had thought that that was what he wanted instantly. Just a hand straying to her core or caressing her breasts like they always did, that had always been enough to rouse them to a frenzy before they made love.

No foreplay.

There hadn't been anything for many weeks.

One night...

Chakotay had been looking at her all evening. She had not questioned him, and went about her tasks, trying to ignore the way her heart raced. He had been helping with Hannah after he had assisted Winonah, overseeing her homework. She couldn't forget the look in his eyes and later, when they had both repaired to bed, she had been filled with a breathless anticipation. They had not been intimate since his return and she had accepted that he needed to deal with some of the things that happened to him. She’d never pressed him for information at the time, but those periods watching him in the lounge in the dead of night, seeing how he grappled with his pain, she realised with hindsight that it was more serious than she’d imagined. While she thought as yet it was something they could deal with and share without having to see a counsellor together. Chakotay only wanted to take her in his arms at night, falling asleep later after they had both settled into their own comfortable positions.

But that night... She was to be introduced to a shocking reality.

"What is it, Chakotay?" she asked when his hand  cupped her breast and she sidled instinctively closer to him. His hand stilled and then he pulled it away.

"Sleep, Kathryn."

"Chakotay, something's the matter and you...you're not talking. We haven't m-made love..." she stammered, her voice trailing away.

Chakotay rose from the bed and walked to the lounge. Seconds later she stood next to him and when he put his arms round her, he gave a little sigh.

"I - I ask that you be patient, Kathryn...what happened..." Chakotay's voice faltered. She looked up at him; his eyes looked haunted.

"I need you..." she whispered, feeling close to tears.

"I need you too," he said, tilting her head a little back and running his hands through her hair. "I need you very much, Kathryn, but..." There was another deep sigh that escaped him. He bent down to kiss her gently, her eyes closing at the touch, his fingers caressing her temples. The kiss lingered, and when he broke off the kiss, he straightened up.

"Let's go to bed," she said softly, her eyes warm as they rested on him. Chakotay gave a smile, kissed her forehead again.

"Yes... let's go..."

Her heart raced as she pressed herself into him, and when they were back in the bedroom, she removed her nightgown and lay down on the bed. Kathryn kept her eyes on him as he stood at the edge of the bed. There was a glow in his eyes, one she knew so well, one that always intensified the moment she removed her nightgown, letting him feast on her body.

Chakotay gave a groan as the bed gave a little under his weight. The light was at 30% illumination and she could see a hungry look in his eyes. She lay, hardly daring to breathe as he began to touch her lightly, his fingers just skimming over her breasts. Something happened inside her as her nipples sprang alive at his touch. She heard his breathing, slow and becoming heavier, as he leaned over her. Her hand covered his and she guided his touches over her body, the planes of her stomach, her core where the heat was so intense she felt she would explode.

Did she forget to watch Chakotay's eyes?

Chakotay gave a groan as his fingers played over her moist centre and she gave a little cry, arching into him, raising herself so that his mouth was very close to her breast. She felt the heat of his breath and the next moment a mouth covered a nipple.

Where did the tears spring from that ran down her face?

Were they tears of pleasured punishment, or just cries of pain?

All she knew was that Chakotay had almost bitten through her skin and his fingers thrust hard into her core, his nails digging and scraping as he moved along her sheath. Why did he bite her and scratch and claw as if the very demons of hell were greedily and unceremoniously eating into her? His breathing was harsh, his face absorbed when she finally looked into his eyes, seeing his demonic intent on inflicting hurt.

"Please...please...stop... Chakotay!"

But it seemed he didn't hear her. His mouth was in her neck, his teeth grazing so hard into her skin that she cried out again and writhed in anguish. One hand gripped her breast tightly and then the pain exploded; nails tore into her skin. Chakotay growled, spread her legs abruptly and entered her with a grunt.

"No!"

A blinding flash, hands that pressed against his chest and with a superhuman strength, which Kathryn Kathryn didn’t know she possessed, she pushed Chakotay off her and kicked him off the bed. He gave a surprised cry and landed on the floor with a thud.

Kathryn lay sobbing for a few moments, and even in her trauma, prayed that the children didn't hear the sounds. She sat up, giving another cry as blood seemed to drip between her legs, her nipple almost severed, and deep scratches all over her skin. She knew with a sickening reality that if left like that, there would be revealing bruises all over her. Chakotay rose from the floor in a sluggish movement, shaking his head as he stood up straight. She saw his eyes, moments before wild in some kind of madness she didn't comprehend, awakening from that same mad dream, eyes that were filled with extreme pain, shame and humiliation...and penance... It was terrible to behold - Chakotay's remorse.

He reached to touch her and Kathryn instinctively shrank away from him.

"K-Kathryn...?"

"Don't touch me, Chakotay," she whispered in agonised tones, covering her breasts in a protective manner.

"W-What have I done?" Chakotay asked. "Oh, my G-God, w-what have I done?" His words came out in a coarse stammer.

He had woken up from his bad dream, a hideous nightmare in which he was an aggressor and she a helpless victim. She gave a cry and held out her hand to him.

Chakotay collapsed against her, and though her body ached from his onslaught, she held him to her.

"Forgive...forgive me, I won't touch you again. I can't touch you again..."

"Chakotay, tell me, for God's sake. I need to understand..."

Chakotay lifted fevered eyes that sat deep in their sockets.

"I'll never touch you again.... Forgive me..."

"Tell me..."

"I mustn't touch you... never... Forgive me...forgive me..."

She drew him to her again, and his body began to shake, long, deep shudders wracking his emaciated frame. For a long time he sobbed against her. When at last she could feel that the shuddering had stopped, she still held him to her, stroking his hair, his cheeks. Her cheeks were wet from the tears.

"Chakotay...who was I?"

"W-what?" he asked, still mostly disoriented as he shifted to look at her.

"Who was I just now? This body you tried to - to conquer?"

"Kathryn, I - "

"I must know, Chakotay. If we’re to get through this together, I must know of your pain," she had pleaded with him. "What - what happened on the Vetar?"

It burst from him. "I tried to stop them, Kathryn. I tried. My hands were tied, most of the time. I couldn't fight." Then he took her in a desperate embrace and sobbed again. "I couldn't fight. I was held down..."

"I know you couldn't fight back. I understand... But I wasn't those Cardassian soldiers, was I?"

Kathryn, still in pain from her nipple that bled and her legs that felt sticky from the blood, held her breath. Chakotay needed to speak; if he couldn't face his demons now, he would never be whole again. She touched his cheek gently, watched in fascination how his tears dripped hotly over her hands.

"Who was I, Chakotay?" she asked softly.

Her heart thudded.

"I - "

"Please..."

Chakotay's eyes remained closed, but his hand covered hers, and another sob came from deep inside him.

"In - in the end...I couldn't fight anymore. I became Evek's lover..."

This time Kathryn's eyes closed briefly, but she opened them again. Chakotay was in deep anguish. She had always sensed something had happened, but what he was telling her... She shook her head in denial of his words. But it was the truth. The terrible, unvarnished truth. What had happened was something Evek would have done, to avenge himself over Seska's death. Seska was Evek's abhail... Chakotay had to understand he was being punished...

"It was out of your control, my love. You know that, don't you?" she whispered.

"He was there every night. We - I..."

"Shhh..."

But the floodgates had been opened.

"In the end, after the soldiers were done, he'd come to the room and - and...make love to me..."

"Chakotay..."

"In the end, I wanted to cry the way he made my body respond. I hated it, Kathryn. I hated it and I hated Evek. But when he came in the evening, he - he would be gentle, after the handling from the soldiers. He'd make me think he was you..."

Chakotay shuddered and she could feel the wetness of his tears on his skin as she held him, crying with him. His tears were wrenched searing from his eyes and heart in torturous catharsis.

"And then you imagined how you would bend him to your will and control him as he controlled you..."

"Oh, Kathryn!" he cried out. "Every night I dreamed of you, and when I woke in the middle of the night, he was working on me, and always, I would think of our times together. I tried not to think, tried my hardest not to respond. Then, one thought of you and me, together... and - and then I was gone...gone...gone... Forgive me..."

"I am Kathryn, your wife. I love you. Remember once I told you to share your pain? Your father taught me that, did you know?" Chakotay nodded, tried trying not to look at her body, and the damage he had done, but she held him, so that he had to face her.  "Look at me, Chakotay. This body you wanted to make love to, is Kathryn, okay? I'm not Evek. Evek is dead. I killed him. In a bizarre way, I knew that he had to die so that there would be no Evek to terrorise us both again..."

It seemed to her Chakotay was listening. He frowned, then his eyes widened as he looked properly at her, and saw the bruises that were forming, the bleeding nipples. He touched her, a hesitant gesture that made her want to cry out, especially as she saw how his eyes filled with tears again.

"Forgive me..." he whispered hoarsely.

"You were not in control, Chakotay. Forces outside our control were at work against us. You need to understand that you were powerless, okay?"

"I'll not touch you again..." he murmured softly.

"Chakotay, what I know is that I want you to touch me. We'll get through this together..."

He held her close to him again, his hand  caressing her; she could feel how he pressed his lips into her hair. The tears welled in her eyes again as she held on to him.

"Help me, Kathryn... Help me..."

She looked at him, a tired smile creeping to her lips.

"You can get the med-kit - "

He was off the bed, through to the bathroom and back with the med-kit before she could say anything more.

Over the next few minutes, Chakotay, with the greatest care in the world, regenerated broken skin, eased her pain, and cleared up the bruises. He never touched her unless it was necessary and she ached for him. He had been quiet during the entire period, and when he was finished, he threw the sheets in the recycler, making up the bed with fresh ones. She just watched him as he went about his work, and it pained her how he couldn't look her in the eyes. Finally, when both were ready for bed again, he had been hesitant, standing again at the edge. She had given a sigh, knowing how humiliated he felt, how the shame had been the cross he’d born all these months. When she patted his place by her side, he had climbed in under the covers and then lay still, not touching her until she moved into his arms. He gave a groan and held her tenderly, as she whispered again over and over that she forgive him.

She shed a few silent tears, just letting them roll down her cheeks. When she woke the next morning, Chakotay was already up, overseeing the children's breakfast and getting Winonah ready for school. Kathryn had wrapped her robe round her while she stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching him. He had looked at her, and given her a shy smile before looking away again.

After that night, Chakotay never touched her, just as he promised. He was afraid most nights when they went to bed, and on the days he had to go to Starfleet Medical for a check-up, he was at his most boorish.

"Chak, for God's sake, you're retarding your own progress here," Sergei said on an exasperated note.

"I'll be fine," Chakotay bit out.

"No, you're not. You've lost more weight, and you're limping - "

"I said I'll be fine."

Sergei had given Kathryn a  look and she shrugged, a little helpless herself in dealing with Chakotay. They had known it would not be easy; she knew that it was not so much his physical recovery that was hampered, but that his demons that rode with him every single day, and mostly during the night when they were in bed together, that caused him to be so ill-mannered. And always afterwards, the penitence which she couldn't take anymore. This was not her Chakotay, the man she’d married, the warrior who exuded so much inner strength.

"Chakotay, you know you have to use the crutches. It won't be long now, then you'll be able to walk without them. It's only for a short while."

She spoke in soothing tones, yet never over compassionate or over-sympathetic. It was the last thing he wanted. He hated the media who pestered them for interviews and who only left them alone after she made a plea to Starfleet Command, agreeing to wait till Chakotay was ready to grant them an audience.

Chakotay had given her a long look, and she had given a sigh when he relented finally, the angry countenance again tender.

"Sorry, Sergei."

"No trouble, comrade," Sergei replied. "I've devised a simple exercise plan for you, which includes some sparring in the gym..."

That had made Chakotay's eyes light up, and Kathryn had given Sergei a grateful glance.

"Let's go home, Kathryn."

"Yes."

****** 

After that, they settled into a kind of routine, with the children always excited when they returned from playgroup and school. Winonah was a prodigious sketcher and never tired of drawing something for them. Hannah was just Hannah, a toddler who was excitable, rarely sick or off-colour, just wanting to play with her Daddy.

In the evenings, when the children were asleep, Chakotay would be busy devising new strategies for manoeuvres, or reading up on Archeology. He was also given the specs of the new USS Prometheus which had been designated as his vessel, and which would only take its maiden voyage once Chakotay was ready. Already he had signed on Tom Paris and Freyne Detroit as his pilots. Kathryn had wondered about Freyne, and whether he hadn't wanted to be Chief Helm of Voyager. The young pilot had declined, saying he wanted to experience flying the secondary vessel of the Prometheus, with Karan Tor in the third vessel. With the remnants of war still on the horizon of the Federation, they were keen to test the Prometheus in battle. It had a revolutionary design, splitting up into three vessels during a combat situation. Kathryn gave a grin. It had an EMH so stuffy it wasn't funny.

She would still be commanding Voyager, with James Hamilton as her chief pilot and her senior officers remaining with her.

Those nights were quiet nights when they enjoyed the ambience, the silence that was never uneasy between them. Often Chakotay would look at her with a speculative, pensive look and she knew he was battling his demons. She welcomed it when he looked at her, for she knew that he needed to phase Evek out of his thinking, and replace the Cardassian's face with hers whenever he considered touching her, or even just touching. Slowly it was getting better after that night. While the first few nights she had tried not to cry herself to sleep because Chakotay lay away from her, not wanting to touch her for fear of hurting her, it had become easier after a while. She did cry the night he pulled her gently into his arms and brushed his lips fleetingly against hers. Then he had given a sigh as he allowed her to remain in his arms. She had fallen into a slumber, happier than she had been in weeks.

Then the night of her birthday, things changed. They had taken the children out for the day, and Chakotay, happy that he was again home to share her birthday with her, presented her with the eagles he’d repaired, saying that it was time the eagles took pride of place on the mantelpiece again. The children had been over the moon, since it wasn't school for Winonah on that day and after being wished a happy birthday by family and friends, they had escaped in a shuttle and headed for a beach where the children could enjoy themselves and they could enjoy one another's company.

It had been a wonderful day that ended with tears. She remembered the previous year, when Chakotay had been allowed to visit and made her birthday so memorable. This year they had returned with two exhausted children who were almost asleep by the time they had their baths. It was with a heartfelt sigh that she and Chakotay had kissed both children goodnight without reading stories to them. They were too tired.

She had noticed all day the way Chakotay had looked at her and her heart had raced when she caught his gaze on her. Yet, when they retired for bed, Chakotay had been closed off, a shuttered look about him and she had turned her back to him, allowing the tears to run in frustrated silence down her cheeks. She could hear him breathing, knew he was lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, the way he had done do so many nights.

Did he hear her silent sobs that she hoped he wouldn't notice? She didn't want to attract his attention, demand his sympathy or let him think she was frustrated and hurt beyond measure that he couldn't be intimate with her. She had wanted him to see her understanding of his situation, that she knew how hard it was for him to separate his ordeal from the reality that was Kathryn's body, always ready to be loved by him.

What was it about her total desolation in those moments that made him grasp her shoulder with such incredible gentleness, so that she could look at him and see the concern in his eyes?

"Don't cry, my Kathryn. Please, don't cry so..." he pleaded, at the same time caressing her cheek, then brushing his lips against hers. Something exploded behind her closed eyelids when he kissed her, before she felt a momentary bereftness when he broke contact, his breathing erratic as his hands slid under the straps of her nightie.

"I miss you so much..." she whispered, then closed her eyes again as his fevered lips brushed away her tears.

"I miss you too," came his ragged whisper, as he slid the gown off her shoulders and she instinctively lifted herself so that he could remove it completely.

"I'm Kathryn...Kathryn...Kathryn..." came her broken entreaty, her encouragement as she realised that the demented look in his eyes was meant for her. He wanted her, the knowledge sang through her, a breezing song that lilted and moved in cadences so beautiful, her tears never stopped flowing after that.

"I see you, my Kathryn," Chakotay's voice whispered above her as he settled himself between her legs and she shifted so he could be more comfortable. Her whole body was on fire, his arousal the most sensual touch against her belly. His hands were in her hair and he was kissing her, remembering their touches, reaffirming their mutual conquest. "I taste you. It's wonderful... It's honey...." he continued with his verbal onslaught on her senses. "Feel what you do to me, my Kathryn..." His voice was gruff, tender, hard, soft, his hands on her breasts caressing, sensual teasing of her nipples that drove her to the brink of ecstasy. She raised her face to his, wanting to kiss him, touching his lips, then her hands gripping his shoulders, tracing little paths to his hard nipples. Chakotay groaned, and when his hand moved between them to touch her core, he gave another loud moan, followed by a sob as he brought his hand to his mouth to taste her. He smelled her all over, not yet fusing his body with hers, just inhaling her scent. His mouth and lips traversed, finding, rediscovering, inhaled with awe, touched...touched... licked, dipped into her navel to pause there and lick again and again, her own small cries of exaltation a spur to his  roving mouth and hands.  She realised with giddy wonder that Chakotay wanted to commit her smell to him for all time and obliterate all other smells of his oppressors.

It was working.

She drew his head to her and she kissed him deeply, savouring his mouth, his tongue, plunging her own tongue into his mouth, playing, teasing, crying, realising at the same time that her instinctive fearlessness was the balm he needed, the assurance that he could ravage her body without hurting her. Her body was his in those moments, his alone. Soft moaning, hard groans, breath mingling and heavy gasping interspersed with low, short gasps as she allowed Chakotay to feast on her body. His own body was damp with pent-up need, but he seemed oblivious to it. He was laughing, crying, sobbing, kissing her all over. Once he slid down her body and rested his mouth on her core, sobbing again as his tongue lapped at her and she, brought to the brink of ecstasy, stormed over into a maelstrom of dizzying pleasure as she climaxed, arching with deep cries into his mouth. Then he slid up her body again.

"Honey..." he murmured the moment he nudged her thighs apart and unerringly found her core.

Why could the tears never stop? she wondered as Chakotay's cry filled the room. Briefly she looked in his face, suffused with heaven's grace, pain at the same time mingled with pleasure, before she drew him into her. His movements, at first careful, then more bold as he followed her own encouragement as she bucked against him, drawing him into her hilt, became strong, pure warrior. He felt good, the way he filled her so completely. No words followed, just their sounds that mixed, gasps and grunts, the moment timed brilliantly when she knew he would spill into her just as she arched high against him with a tender, rasping cry. Where was her body when she felt his seed spill into her? High up in the heavens? Amongst swirling clouds that enfolded them and drew them into a vortex of passion? She didn't know, only felt Chakotay hold her as if he would never let her go again, then letting her body down, back on the bed again, before he collapsed over her.

She was dizzy, floating somewhere; long moments later, when the dizziness passed, and her own breathing returned to normal, she touched Chakotay's damp hair and his tear stained face.

They had lain entwined for an eternity, loathe to separate their bodies. Chakotay's fingers twirled strands of her hair, and later he shifted so that there was not too much weight on her, and still she did not want him to relinquish his touch. A generous lethargy took hold of them, a languor that enfolded them both. A tear rolled down her cheek, a sob followed and a silent 'thank you' she thought Chakotay didn't hear.

He raised his head lazily, looked deeply into her eyes. His own eyes were still damp with tears as he kissed her briefly.

"Now I know forgiveness, my Kathryn..."

********** 

Kathryn woke from her deep reverie where she was sitting in the lounge. She could hear the children's high pitched laughter and Ceara's barking. Her heart was filled with peace. The last six weeks had been the most thrilling of her life, and even as she knew that within weeks both she and Chakotay would be on their respective vessels, the children were excited at the prospect that they could hail their Mommy and Daddy at given times under their Grandmother's supervision. She could talk to Chakotay and like before when they were serving on the Crimond and the Ormskirk respectively, she could call him on their scheduled weekly subspace hails and talk, even make love. While in the last months they had established a routine and offered the children stability, those things would still be there in the next few years. Their missions were shorter and they would have more time for shore leave.

Indiana was usually their base these days and most weekends they had come down here, to the house belonging to her and Chakotay. Phoebe had long ago relinquished her share opting to stay in Paris on a permanent basis with Rodea. Phoebe's old studio became Chakotay's with Winonah allowed a portion of it.  The walls of their rooms sported the child's amazing creative attempts. Hannah... Kathryn sighed contentedly.  Hannah was just the most loving child who crept into everyone's hearts. Wherever they went, Hannah would proudly point to Chakotay and say, "My Daddy!"

It was time, Kathryn thought as she looked at her husband and the children, to go to him and walk with him back to the house. It was a very important day for him tomorrow, and they had come down to Indiana to relax and be with the children, and enjoy the last few days of their leave.  While he still had a few nightmares, and she had stayed up in the night and sat with him, they realised that while his body healed at a remarkable rate, it would be a very long time before Chakotay could put the emotional damage where it belonged - in the past.

Kathryn walked out on to the porch, and when Chakotay saw her, he rose to his feet and smiled brilliantly at her before he started towards her, taking the walking stick to aid him. There was purpose in his walk, a tenderness and strength combined, and her heart filled with unbearable love for him. The children were for a moment forgotten as he walked towards her.

And what if it breaks?

Why, we'll just put it together and it will be whole again.

Your pain is mine too.

Out of the unknown has often sprung life's greatest gifts.

I would like to offer you my hand in friendship, Chakotay.

I don't think friends is all I want to be with you, Kathryn.

I can't promise not to die, sweet Kathryn...

I know. I'm ready now…

For what, Kathryn?

To walk with you, forever.

When Chakotay reached her, his face creased into a smile, his eyes resting warmly on her. He was recovering, she thought dazedly. It was in the relaxed planes of his face, in the way he smiled, his bearing, the return of his old strength. There were some nights the old terrors took hold of him, but always, she held him and waited until his tremors ceased and he could look at her again, his eyes clear and recognizing her. Those nights they didn't make love, but took solace in their spiritual connection.

She walked into his arms and rested her head against his hard chest.

"It's good to be alive, Kathryn," he whispered into her hair.

******

END CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

 Chapter 40