CHAPTER FORTY [EPILOGUE TO FOLLOW]]

Sons and Daughters of the Federation

The Zephram Cochrane  Memorial Hall was filled to capacity. Chakotay, too much aware of Kathryn sitting next to him, didn't spend too much time looking around him. While he knew and acknowledged the day to be an auspicious one he had not wanted to be glorified as a hero, or as anything else. Still, Kathryn's presence was a comfort to him and when her hand stole into his to give it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, he breathed a little easier. Although he had recovered from his ordeals, his left leg still ached at times, and today, despite the mild summer weather, he was in pain. He wasn't going to tell Kathryn that, but the way she squeezed his hand she knew about his discomfort. He cast her a quick glance. She looked just as beautiful as always, just as he remembered her, especially that first day he met her.

He would love her till the day she died. She was his destiny, the very breath of his life, and he knew with great conviction that had he never known her, his life would have be poor, devoid of the rich textures that filled it now. He leaned a little closer to her.

"Did I tell you that I like your new hairstyle?"

Kathryn turned to him, arched her brow and lifted the corner of her mouth in an amused smile.

"When you were practically asleep in Voyager's sickbay on the way home."

"Oh?"

"You've forgotten? You never mentioned it afterwards..."

"Oh. So, I like your new hairstyle."

"Well, thank you," she replied in mock disappointment that he remembered so late.

"And you're sure the children are okay?"

"Shhh..."

"You're sure?"

He had to know. It had been the most poignant meeting with them when he returned home and Winonah called him Daddy... Why, his daughters were all over him. He was completely certain he'd never want them to leave and lose their hearts to undeserving young men, and he was instantly angry just at the thought that he'd have to let them go one day. Never out of his heart though. Never.

"Mom's taking care of them in the back.. Chakotay, you   - "

"I get worried."

"I know."

Only Kathryn knew how how sick he could get not knowing they were safe. Once he had them both sitting in his big chair at home, and he just looked at them, enjoying their childish giggling. They were his kids and he'd kill to keep them safe. Almost, Winonah had been lost to them forever and Chakotay felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest thinking of Roshana, his sister, who died trying to protect her little girl. Then he shook his head, attempting to dispel all evil thoughts from him.

He looked about him, for the first time really noticing the people of different races, most in civilian clothing, as well as the officers in Starfleet uniform. Today they were all in dress uniform - he hadn't worn his in ages. He knew he looked too thin, and his clothes sat loosely on him. This morning a flash of concern had crossed Kathryn's features when she looked at him and he had shrugged, telling her that in time, he'd regain his weight.

Kathryn, of course, looked beautiful. She could wear sack cloth and look good in it. He'd have endless joy just imagining what was under the sackcloth. Preferably, there should be nothing under the rough sack. He remembered the day he returned to Earth after six months in deep space, after having communicated with Kathryn via subspace during that time. He had been fraught with anguish when she didn't meet him, and when he went home eventually, thinking that she'd left him, there she stood in his lounge, dressed in a blue dress. Seconds later, holding her in his arms, he realised she wore nothing under the dress. It had sent him wild with lust that day. Chakotay gave a sigh, reigned in his runaway passion, and tried not to think of Kathryn in her blue dress or sackcloth, or, heaven forbid, that beautiful burgundy dress she wore the evening in Paris when he escorted her to the Command Performance for the President of the Federation.

In front sat Admirals Paris, Ponsonby and Lewis looking like they were joined at the hip. Chakotay gave a grin. They were the men who shaped his career, who gave him his life, so to speak. He owed them everything. Ponsonby looked on him as a son, and Chakotay didn't mind being called 'son' by the extremely reserved gentleman.

The commendations were almost completed, and the most important part of the ceremony was about to start. He had never thought of himself as a hero, but today he was going to be decorated as one. What had he done for the Federation? No more than all other Starfleet Officers and Maquis who paid the highest price during the war. He didn't feel like a hero. He did what had to be done, and he had done it well, he supposed. He almost lost his life, he almost lost his wife and child. But by the graces, he could walk the earth and hold his head up high, that he would have died knowing the cause was worthy of his sacrifice.

He had not met any of the other officers and civilians today who were to be remembered for their deeds, but Berrol Oldimar was sitting across the aisle from him, and Captain Gredor, the only Ketarchan in Starfleet, sat next to him. Gredor looked good, his ridges that had been sawn off, had been regenerated. Earlier Chakotay  had seen Freyne Detroit with Tom's mother, where they were seated somewhere near the back. Some faces he hardly recognised, but two young men who nodded severely when they passed him, he vaguely remembered as prisoners with him on Jarok.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn again. She was still holding his hand but also looking with keen interest around her. She smelled of her favourite perfume and for a moment he was a little dizzy again, thinking how they’d made love the previous night in Indiana. A ripple of pleasure went through him. Kathryn was warm, her skin taut, soft, firm, silky, everything at once. He could never get enough of her softness and her generosity. The many weeks before her birthday had been difficult, so difficult that he had never wanted to touch her again after injuring her like he had.  He had been ashamed, embarrassed, still filled with the humiliation of what happened to him on the Vetar. That night of her birthday they had taken a momentous step forward, and he a giant stride in his own emotional recovery. For many months, lying on the beds of the prison of Cardassia Prime, he thought how he could never face and confront head-on what happened to him. He had no control, and there lay the difference. He had never been a willing participant, even if he were made to think at times that he was. It was a shameful chapter of his life that he could not unwrite, or eradicate. It would walk with him till the day he died.

Kathryn... Chakotay gave a little sigh. She was the most patient person on Earth. There were nights that he woke up gasping, disoriented, thinking he was on Evek's ship, looking at Kathryn and seeing  Evek's face superimposed on hers. With love and great tenderness, she would comfort him through those dark hours until he could breathe again and not hate himself so much. Those nights were decreasing, but he was realistic, knowing that they'd always haunt him, that there would always be some trigger that would send him into those dark tunnels of self-loathing and humiliation time after time.

However he was bolstered by the knowledge that Kathryn would be there, always there, and when the time came that he'd be in deep space on the Prometheus and she on Voyager, he'd not hesitate to hail her when his dreams turned to nightmares.

"Chakotay..."

He shook himself from his reverie as he felt Kathryn nudging him. He looked at her, shared with her for a few precious moments an unspoken message of love before the President of the Federation took the stage.

"Captain Chakotay..." came the deep voice of the President.

"Good Luck," Kathryn said softly, her eyes misting over. "I'm proud of you..."

Chakotay leaned across to kiss Kathryn.

"Just for that look in your eyes, I promise to be wildly delightful tonight," he vowed softly, and the returning glow in her eyes was unmistakable as she read his message.

"And I promise to pay you back..."

Chakotay rose from his seat, took his walking stick and moved forward slowly. As he walked, feeling the eyes of the people on him, the glow he had looking at Kathryn and kissing her and feeling how she responded, evaporated. Suddenly he felt like a fish in a bowl, sick to the core of being watched by so many people, not only in the Memorial Hall, but on vid-screens in other homeworlds within the Federation. He felt eyes boring into him, heard one or two sympathetic clicks of the tongue, and bit his lip. He was fine walking to the podiums; he only needed his walking stick, didn't he? What did they know? Only the Admirals, his family and his doctors, his fellow prisoners on Cardassia Prime knew the extent of his injuries. Only Kathryn knew intimately of what he endured, of his raging torment.

They want to honour you, Chakotay. Accept it with grace.

He hadn't wanted to be singled out. Kathryn felt differently, reminding him in her gentle, firm  voice that he could never resist, that the goodwill messages he received from all over the Federation, from Starfleet Command, from his former inmates and Maquis, meant that they loved and respected him, revered his leadership and applauded his courage and determination to survive.

For you...

His leg was aching, and he was a little out of breath by the time he reached the stage. He wished Kathryn was standing beside him. He wished he could go home and sit in his chair and read his book and feel Kathryn running her fingers through his hair. He wished... Chakotay just heard the voice drone on and on while he couldn't decide where to fix his gaze. So he looked the President in the eyes.

"...and performing an invaluable service for the War Office, identifying and destroying key installations of the enemy..."

Chakotay noticed the President didn't say Cardassians...

"With Captain Chakotay's significant contribution to the effort of this Federation to bring to close a war that killed millions and in which countless of homeworlds had been left decimated by the enemy, our own offensives would have been delayed. This would have been a protracted engagement..."

Chakotay sighed. What had he contributed? He’d lost so much, and almost lost his wife and daughter.

"...and as a leader of what we had considered a renegade band of fighters, branded as traitors whose only cause was to protect homeworlds..."

Chakotay thought how Kathryn had been ostracized for being married to a Maquis. Admirals like Hays and Nechayev had given her so much grief and she defended him because she believed in him. Once Kathryn told him how she had heated words with Nechayev.

If you ask me if I'm on my husband's side, then I'll have to tell you yes...

All those thoughts came back, listening to Kathryn telling him of the Nechayevs and men like Hays who thought Chakotay and the rest of the Maquis should be behind bars. Yet, the Federation had relented their stance. When they knew that their only way forward and out of the bloody mess that was the war, was through the Maquis, then the Maquis had their uses. He couldn't help feeling bitter and only when he glanced and caught Kathryn's eye, did he relent. He was not a vindictive man, but when it came to protecting his wife and child and those dearest to him, he knew he'd kill. No, he sighed. The Federation was generous in its praise, in the way they recanted, even managing to bring Nechayev round to acknowledge Chakotay and the work he had done.

One of the more satisfying meetings he had was with Nechayev, in her office. The cheerless woman - it was a name Kathryn liked to append to the unsmiling admiral - managed a smile. He had not met her before in person, and his initial apprehension soon vanished when she extended her hand and he shook it.

"Captain, there are a few things over which I feel strongly. However, I admit I have been wrong about you..."

"Thank you, Admiral. It means a lot to me."

Nechayev had given a smile and Chakotay remembered to tell Kathryn later that day that the woman looked quite attractive... "Uh, in an admiral sort of way..." he amended when Kathryn gave him a mock baleful glance.

"...and for overseeing and laying to rest the citizens of Dorvan V, and ensuring   compassionate and dignified final rites.."

citizens...

"…But, most importantly, the manner in which Captain Chakotay, in a standoff with the enemy, agreed to forfeit his own freedom to save the lives of his comrades and the crew of the Federation starship Voyager. For which Captain Chakotay was willing to lay down his life..."

Alive, I would be dead without my Kathryn

Thoughts of you and our little girl will keep me alive...

"...and in encouraging his fellow prisoners and instilling in them the will to live and to survive in the most extreme adversity..."

Listen son, we're gonna make it out of here, you hear me?

You'll tell your children and your grandchildren about the Rubáiyát...

Chakotay felt a sob rise in his chest. He battled to control the memories, the battle to survive, forcing images of the butchers, of Evek, of the dry earth of Jarok to be replaced with images of Kathryn, of Hannah, Winonah... They mattered to him now. His wife, his children and the new family he’d acquired because of her. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

"We honour Captain Chakotay with the United Federation of Planets' highest award for bravery...the Honoris Crux - Gold."

Cross of Honour...

There was applause which sounded deafening, and then gradually petered out, the auditorium becoming almost quiet except for someone who coughed.

"We ask a very special young lady to come forward..."

Chakotay frowned. Who would pin his medal on him? He’d always thought it was the job of the President, something many regarded as an honour in itself. Then there was a hush as a figure moved from a side entrance. The child moved towards him and even with the light from the open door behind her, he could see it was Winonah, who carried something in her hand.

When she reached him, she stood still, looked a moment at the tall figure of the President.

"Captain Chakotay, we ask the only survivor of the massacre on Dorvan V to perform the honour on behalf of the Federation."

"Daddy?"

Chakotay went down on bended knee and Winonah stepped closer. For the first time he felt the tears threatening to spill from him. Winonah pinned on his medal, and he gave a little smile. She must have practiced it somewhere, for she knew exactly where to place the new pin.

"Thank you, Winonah."

"I love you, Daddy..."

**** 

So, many commendations were awarded and Chakotay, seated next to Kathryn again, felt a deep sadness take hold of him. They remembered Tomaso who died sending out the critical communications to the Ormskirk the day the Cardassians attacked the planet. They remembered Winonah who was the only survivor of the massacre. Chakotay thought that Winonah, looking so unbelievably brave, was just a little girl who still had nightmares of her trauma. On those nights either he or Kathryn, or sometimes both of them, would sit with her and comfort her through her fears. Not long afterwards, her eyes would droop, but she would still hold on to his hand or Kathryn's as she fell asleep again.

There was only one night that he had been compelled to take her to Starfleet Medical in the dead of night, while Kathryn stayed home with Hannah. Sergei had been on duty and like he had done on Voyager a number of times, managed to sedate the frightened child and then bring her gently out of  the nightmare that gripped her. It was always such a radical contrast to him to see Winonah during the day, when she was bubbly at times, giggling with Hannah, ever helpful around the house and just so balanced on the outside. Then there were no traces of her terrible dreams.

Phoebe was wonderful. His sister-in-law, who had been so angry with him and ready to phaser him out of existence, became his friend, and it was she who encouraged Winonah in her art, guiding her to express her feelings and experiences through her sketches. Winonah loved her new family, but Chakotay was always ready to bet that her Aunt Kathryn, with whom she bonded so naturally way back on Dorvan V when they visited there, was firmly established in her life as "Mommy", and her closeness to Kathryn was very special. She knew her Mama and Papa and recordings of them were always available for her  but although she couldn’t express her feelings, that was how she behaved. They were her parents now and he felt a great sense of  closure that they could find their daughter and bring her home to Earth - a place for which she, like Tomaso, like her Uncle Chakotay, had hankered.

After pinning on his badge Winonah had moved directly with him down the long aisle, her hand in his, looking straight ahead of her. When they reached his seat, she released his hand and moved to where her grandmother was sitting holding a sleeping Hannah.

Kathryn hooked her arm through his when he sat down.

"You're in pain," she said matter-of-factly.

He nodded. There was concern in her eyes, but also the knowledge that they would be back at the hospital as soon as proceedings were over, so that he could get a painkiller.

"I want to go home," he told her, covering the hand that had hooked through his arm.

"It's not long now," she said, inclining her head again to where Admiral Paris, Lewis and Ponsonby had begun listing the names of those honoured posthumously.

"We call on Kor'ena Landral..." Chakotay heard Admiral Paris's voice.

"Landral?" Chakotay asked Kathryn.

"You'll see," she said, trying to quell his curiosity, briefly satisfied when a tall, ageing Klingon woman walked from a side entrance.

"I told you about Xandor," Kathryn said to him.

"The man who saved Winonah's life?"

"Yes..."

They watched in revered silence as Kor'ena Landral stood near the podium.

It was a moment Chakotay would remember for a long time. Kor'ena stood with proud bearing as she heard her son's commendations.

"Xandor Landral died saving the lives of countless children orphaned during the war and ensuring their safety by placing them in the care of overseers..."

Chakotay's eyes misted again and he bent his head, feeling how Kathryn's hand rested on his shoulder. He had known there were many Cardassian dissidents, had suspected that on the Vetar were one or two warriors who would not die for the Cardassians' cause. It was why he hoped so fiercely, hoped without ever giving up, that Winonah could have survived the massacre. There were many men and women such as Xandor Landral.

Chakotay didn't really want the memories to swamp him, but he couldn't help thinking of all the others who sacrificed their lives. There were Gerron's two friends too, blackmailed by the Cardassians and then murdered afterwards. Chakotay had read most of the reports the last few months, and, after Kathryn told him, knew of the work done by Xandor Landral, a Cardassian-Klingon hybrid. Once, when Winonah had one of her nightmares, she spoke of the warrior who was kind to her, although she was afraid of him in the beginning. She had given Xandor the locket, and though she couldn't speak, Landral had sensed that he had to give it to someone whom Winonah knew.

"Therefore, we honour the work done amidst great risk and personal safety, by men and women like Xandor Landral, who died saving the lives of children..."

Chakotay rose quietly from his seat when Kor'ena Landral left the stage. The proceedings were almost over and he needed to breathe in fresh air. Once outside, he was not surprised that others had the same idea and were milling about. Soon after he came out, Gretchen Janeway joined him, and a minute later, Kathryn.

"Are you okay?" Gretchen asked him, touching his arm in concern. His fingers gripped the walking stick.

"Yes...yes, I suppose. I just needed to get out..."

"I understand," said Gretchen, who was still holding a sleeping Hannah. Winonah moved to stand in front of Chakotay, who bent down to touch Winonah's cheek.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I didn't dream last night..."

"No, you didn't. You slept right through, very peacefully. I came to kiss you goodnight..."

"I know you did!" It seemed Winonah wanted to jump up and down right there. She sounded like she was about to hyperventilate, just like an over excited Hannah at times. When he grimaced and rubbed his leg, Kathryn picked up on it instantly.

"You need to see the doctor," Kathryn reminded him. "We don't have to go back in."

"Yes. I think I must - "

Then Chakotay froze suddenly. The hairs at the back of his neck bristled and a strange queasiness took hold of him. He clutched at his stomach, and frowned heavily. He wasn't sick, except for the persistent pain in his left leg. The right leg had healed almost completely, but his fall down the mine shaft of Moldor IV had all but ensured that his left leg never let him forget it was "good soup", as Sergei once put it. Still, he looked at Kathryn, seeing her through a warm, light haze.

"Chakotay?"

"I'm not feeling too good. I don't understand..."

"What's the matter?" Kathryn asked, grabbing his arm. At her touch Chakotay stiffened noticeably, swearing under his breath when he saw the hurt look in her eyes.

"N-no, it's not you, Kathryn. I'm sorry. It's something, a - a smell maybe - "

"What kind, Chakotay? There's nothing here, not even Boothby's burning twigs."

"Mommy! Mommy!" Winonah cried out, pulling at Kathryn's uniform jacket. Hannah woke up with a start and immediately looked around, beginning to cry plaintively. Kathryn quickly relieved her mother of the child and soothed the baby.

"What is it, Winonah?" Chakotay and Kathryn asked simultaneously.

"Over there!"

Winonah pointed to the far end of the plaza near a column. A woman stood there. They could see from the distance the woman was Cardassian. Then Winonah broke her hold on Kathryn's jacket and started running in the direction of the woman.

"Winonah! Come back!" Chakotay shouted to the child, but Winonah kept running until she reached the woman.

Chakotay turned to Kathryn. Something was happening inside him, like a churning in his stomach. He felt physically sick, and knew that to Kathryn and Gretchen he must have lost colour. He balled his fists tightly and grit his teeth. He looked at Winonah and the woman again, and turned on his heel, meaning to walk as far away from the woman as possible. He knew with some dread it was unfair, illogical and that his reaction to her bordered on the irrational. A hand grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Oh no, Chakotay," Kathryn hissed under her breath, "you need to face this. We will always encounter Cardassians. That woman - "

" - smells Cardassian. I've had enough of their smell, Kathryn. Enough, you hear me?" Chakotay saw again through a haze, how Hannah started to cry and how Gretchen quickly took the distraught baby and walked away from them.

"That woman, Chakotay, took care of our daughter for us for six months. It's natural for Winonah to greet her and remain friendly. She's a child, Chakotay, a child who recognised without any prejudice the goodness that was in another being. Penytt Sarra - "

"She's Penytt Sarra?" Chakotay asked dazedly. He had known of her, had known of her deeds on Kodari IV. Kathryn's eyes flashed, then became soft again.

"There's a universe of compassion and goodness in her, Chakotay. Please, go, meet her."

Chakotay bristled for a few moments, his heart thundering in his chest as Winonah and Penytt Sarra walked towards them. Slowly they approached and it seemed to him that Penytt Sarra's movement was hesitant. Was she afraid of him? Chakotay looked quickly at Kathryn, saw her smile tenderly. Slowly, the restlessness ceased, a little quiet replacing the loud thunderbeats of his heart. He sighed again, the smell pervasive. He knew intellectually that it wasn’t Penytt Sarra, but her presence that triggered the memory of his time on the Vetar and the abuse by the warriors and Gul Evek. Just the association of that smell had followed him since the day Sedeka seduced him. There were times he couldn't get it out of his nose; in the middle of the night he'd wake up in a sweat, almost nauseous, and then he would hug Kathryn to him, hold her close and smell her body all over, to establish again some normalcy and the blessed reality that his ordeal was over.

"You're a good person, Kathryn," he said, his throat thick with emotion. He was glad she stood next to him, glad of her presence; it was something that strengthened him immeasurably.

"Penytt Sarra is a good person, Chakotay. She lost five sons during the war..."

"She stood outside, all this time," Chakotay said reflectively, appalled at the realisation that she was not welcome at the ceremony.

"There were sacrifices on both sides," Kathryn responded.

"I know," he sighed. "I know..."

The old woman and the young child reached them. There was a silence that hung in the air, a moment in which no one spoke. Chakotay met Penytt Sarra's eyes. They were dark, with a sadness in them that Chakotay had never seen before in anyone. It was as if it lingered on her body, exuded from her person, reflected in her eyes and spoke of her loneliness. A thin bar was pinned to her coat, and Chakotay knew it wasn't something that was given her by the Federation. There was at one end the Cardassian insignia, followed by five small stars. Chakotay didn't have to wonder what the stars symbolised, and he was still so drawn to the pin that he hardly realised Winonah was shaking him and Kathryn was giving his arm a reassuring squeeze.

It was Penytt Sarra who spoke first. The lines of her face were creased from age, and Chakotay supposed, the arid conditions of Kodari IV. Her hands were at her sides and Winonah had moved away from her to stand next to Kathryn.

"I came here with Kor'ena Landral."

It was a sound that was melodious. It was the first thing Chakotay noticed, the harshness of others of her race when they spoke, was not present in her voice. Her long hair, combed back severely and pulled into a ponytail of sorts, had streaks of grey in it.

"You did not come in," he stated.

"You know what I am. But I wished to see your little girl." Penytt Sarra's eyes focused on the smiling Winonah.

"She looked after me, Daddy!"

"I know, sweetie."

Chakotay looked at Penytt again, then extended his hand. She took his hand gratefully and shook it.

"Captain, I want to offer my apology on behalf of those of us on Kodari IV - "

"Please, Penytt Sarra. Do not apologise. You are a good woman. I knew that a planet existed where many men and women like you went to settle. I hoped that Winonah was in your safe haven."

Penytt Sarra gave a relieved smile, a smile that seemed to wipe away the drawn, sad look.

Then Kathryn stepped forward and hugged the older woman. There were tears in their eyes.

"Thank you, again, Penytt Sarra, for taking care and loving our little girl. She has not forgotten you..."

"Not...?"

"I drew a picture of you, Penytt Sarra," Winonah offered.

"If we know where you're staying, I could let you have it before you leave for Kodari IV," Kathryn suggested and Chakotay wanted to love Kathryn all over again.

People were beginning to mill about and out of the corner of his eye Chakotay could see Gretchen and Adam Ponsonby, who was carrying Hannah, approaching them. He turned to Penytt Sarra.

"You are a greater hero than I am, Penytt. You have lost much, but you have given back more than what you lost. There is greatness in that."

"Thank you, Captain Chakotay. I was not certain how you would receive me, but young Winonah here assured me that her Daddy is the greatest Daddy in the world and that he would like me because his daughter likes me..."

"I'd say that is a recommendation indeed," Chakotay replied. "You must forgive me, Penytt Sarra, that I did not receive you well - "

"I am ashamed of what my people have been, of what they could still be. My work continues on Kodari IV and so I must take my leave of you..."

Penytt Sarra didn't wait for them to respond. She simply inclined her head as a greeting to them and then turned to walk in the direction she had come from. Chakotay stared for long moments after the woman whose stance was so proud and erect, who’d lost five sons during the war. Chakotay, knowing how insensitive the Cardassian Council was to the trauma within its own ranks, sensed that they had simply sent her the pin as  a 'thank you' note that her sons had sacrificed their lives for the Cardassian cause.

"We'll visit her, Chakotay," Kathryn said, also looking at the figure of Penytt Sarra becoming smaller, the further she moved away from them.

Kathryn hooked her arm through his and he expelled a sigh of relief. Looking down at her, her hair shining in the sun, and with Winonah holding her other hand, he felt joy filling him. He had met Penytt Sarra, a Cardassian woman who carried the memories of her dead sons in her heart, who had given Winonah a place in that same heart. He felt good, felt how joy rushed through his veins, making him a little dizzy. Dizzy and light.

"Chakotay?"

"Daddy?"

He gave his wife and daughter his most dazzling smile.

"Come," he said suddenly, moving with them towards Gretchen and Adam, "my family wants me..."

*********************************

Kathryn reclined in their big bed, one hand under Chakotay's pillow. She stirred dreamily, turned on her back and gazed at the ceiling. She imagined she saw there a tapestry that was woven of her life, and the rich textures that marked the beginning of it with Chakotay.

She gave a sigh of contentment. The children were in bed, after both had insisted it was fine for Hannah to bunk with Winonah and Chakotay had told them story after story until they were both asleep. They had remained in the room, watching their daughters sleep, Hannah with her thumb in her mouth, her cheeks flushed and lips red, totally at peace with the world. Winonah had stirred once or twice, curved her arm around Hannah's body and shifted her sister closer to her. It was such a beautiful little tableau, and when her eyes rested on Chakotay, she wanted to burst with love for him. Chakotay couldn't keep his eyes off the children, and when he caressed their heads, she could see how his fingers trembled. It was a precious moment, too precious to intrude.

Later, they had come to bed, and just like he promised, he was wildly delightful, worshipping her body. He had been so tender at times that she wanted to cry as their bodies joined. Tonight, none of the old shadows that were always in his eyes, the hollowness that made him appear so unhappy at times, were there; they had made way for an incredible attentiveness to her own needs, her own desires and the little demands she made on his body. It was so poignant to witness how clear his eyes were, how focused on her and their lovemaking. In their private little world, only Kathryn and Chakotay existed, and thinking again how passionate they had been, brought ripples of pleasure through her.

Kathryn turned to the space next to her. Chakotay wasn't there. The thought that he’d left the bed didn't disturb her, although it must have been hours since they made love. She gave another sigh of pleasure, decided to get up and look in on him in the lounge. She rose and put on her robe and slippers.

The lounge was dark, and only a lamp stand next to the chair casting about 20% illumination in the room. The book he had been reading lay on his lap, almost forgotten. The music was muted, soothing. Chakotay loved the slow movements full of cadence and melody, and the andante from Mozart's piano concerto - always hailed as Elvira Madigan - filled the room with beauty. Earlier it was Bach's concerto for double violins that drifted to her while she still lay in bed.

When she reached him, she wondered whether she should have intruded at all. Chakotay's eyes were closed, his head thrown back and resting against the backrest. She smiled tenderly, noting the title of the book. Chakotay had always been so passionate about Khayyám's Rubáiyát which he had bought one day at a little shop selling collectibles in Louisiana. She bent down and caressed the gold embossed letters on the cover. Then she straightened, gave a little sigh and made to move away.

"Stay," came the soft command.

Chakotay opened his eyes, beckoning her to join him.

"Your legs..." she started as he pulled her to sit on his lap.

"The pain's gone."

She buried his face against him, inhaled his musk and gave a little moan. One hand held her close to him while with the other, he held the book.

"You're strong, Chakotay."

"Only because I have you," he whispered against her hair.

"Our little eagles...they are joined forever now..."

"Grey Eagle would be proud."

"He can hear us."

"He hears the eagles."

"I know."

"Once, Grey Eagle told me: 'In flight, there is nothing more natural, more majestic than the eagle as it climbs against the sky. She is confident, knows where and what her destination is...and those destinations she doesn't know, she flies towards by instinct, even if danger lurks at the next turn...even if she doesn't know what lies at the end…'"

"Once, your father took me to the habak on Dorvan V to experience my first vision quest..."

"He let you see my grandfather..."

"He told me that I walk the path of the grey eagle with Chakotay. He said the day would come that the eagle would fly from me..."

"I guess you asked him what to do when that happened, right?"

Kathryn nodded, dropped a kiss against his temple.

"He told me never to lose sight of the eagle..."

They were quiet a long time after that. It was a good, companionable silence. Again, Kathryn's fingers traced the embossed letters of Chakotay's book.

"You know..." Chakotay started softly, turning to face her. His eyes were clear, warm.

"What...?"

"A lot of things happened to us, Kathryn... I used to think that I was fine on my own, living my life my way..."

"You wished things could have been different?" she asked him, suddenly afraid of his answer.

"I used to recite some of the Rubáiyáts when - when things were very bad..."

She knew that he had not been allowed any possessions, and that it had been very strange that he could keep the locket she had given him. The Rubáiyáts he’d simply memorised, most of them at least.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered.

"No, don't be, Kathryn. I began to think that however bad it was, what happened to me, it happened and I could never change it, nor do I want to, you know."

"Did you ever think you were sorry you took me on that blind date?" she asked, her heart thudding.

"Never. That's the thing, my love. I wouldn't want to relive what happened to me, but they're a part of the book of my life. If I wished for these thing not to be there, I would have to take you out of those parameters..."

"I would have been lonely, my soul impoverished for not having known you, Chakotay..."

Chakotay gave her a tender smile. She knew what he would say now, and it brought peace to her heart.

"I used to recite one Rubáiyát that became the meaning of my life. If I’d never met you, I might never have been Sedeka's slave, or Evek's slave, or a prisoner on Cardassia Prime; I might never have been tortured and beaten beyond my strength..." Chakotay gave a deep sigh, his voice suddenly hoarse with emotion. "I might also never have known your love, your incredible generosity and strength; I might never have had Hannah who fills up my life... I might never have known true love..."

"I love you..."

"Kathryn, my life is infinitely enriched because you are in it and an indelible part of it. I would not have it any other way. You are my destiny. We have weathered storms no humans should be asked to endure, yet we've come through them. With time and love and caring, we'll be whole again..."

"That is the most beautiful vow, Chakotay..."

Chakotay smiled again tenderly, then opened Omar Khayyám's Rubáiyát at the fifty first Rubáiyát. He started reading softly,

The Moving Finger writes; and,  having writ,

Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line

Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

**********************************  

Epilogue