PART ONE
Alpha Quadrant. A year later…
Chakotay sat in brooding silence on the bridge of Voyager. Occasionally he felt Tuvok glance in his direction, but he ignored his first officer. They were on a mission to the Gamma Quadrant, to transport Admirals Swanson and Ambassador Grell to the Zenbok system. It was a mission which would see him return to Earth only in March of the new year.
It was New Year's Eve. The dignitaries were stationed at Deep Space Nine. They were fourteen hours away now. He was irritated, had wanted to be at home and now, with this mission foisted on him and his crew, it had extended their time in deep space another three months.
Sighing, he sat back in his command chair - Kathryn's old chair - bracing his elbow on the armrest and his hand under his chin. Tom Paris kept his eyes on the main viewscreen but his chief pilot was whistling something. Paris seemed to be in good humour. He had to be. B'Elanna, back at the Academy after Miral's birth, her second and third year waived, finished top of her class. He had always had faith in Torres, had sworn by the spirits when he negotiated for her as Voyager's Chief Engineer, that she was the only person for the job.
He couldn't smile. He was mad. Mad as hell.
Another, more serious issue had to be resolved. He gave an inward groan. Kathryn was not going to like it. Not one single bit.
It was Seven of Nine, his Science Officer, who had come to him this morning early, PADD in hand. He had been studying the profiles of four new crewmembers who had boarded Voyager at Earth's orbital station, thinking of inviting them to a drink in the observation lounge. They had been recommended by Kathryn.
"Enter."
When Seven of Nine stood inside the doors of the ready room, he smiled involuntarily. She had been accepted by Starfleet as a senior officer, given a field commission on Kathryn's recommendation. Seven had stood in front of him, dressed in the latest uniform of Starfleet. A dramatic change from her earlier cat suits.
"Seven, it's 0600."
"Noted, Captain," she had replied, a half smile forming. "But I have completed my regeneration - "
"You don't need to, Annika," he had replied with a frown.
"Force of habit, Captain. It feels good. I like to recharge."
"At 0500?"
"At 0500."
"What can I do for you?" he had asked, having noticed the PADD in her hand. He waived his hand; Seven stepped up to him, stood on attention.
"At ease, Annika. You have known me long enough to consider me your friend. No one's watching us."
"Indeed, Captain. But I prefer that protocol be maintained."
He shook his head. They had had one or two dates, just before they arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant. After that, any notion that they could make something of it, just died naturally, although they remained friends.
"Fine. Now, anything you wish to report?"
Annika had handed him the PADD; after punching in a few keys, he had given a cursory glance at the information. Then he frowned heavily.
"Who is Zoltán?" he asked.
"That is what I want to know from you, Captain. I thought you might throw light on the matter. I discovered this programme still encrypted in the library of the Holographic Research Laboratory."
"Seven, I thought all the crew were instructed to save their programmes to their own personal vidcoms before deleting them from Voyager's library. "
"Indeed, Captain. This programme - it is still encrypted in the research lab's computer. It belongs to Admiral Janeway - "
"Kathryn?"
"Aye, Captain. However, the encryption is so embedded, I have been unable to - "
"Seven…" he had said with a warning tone.
"I know, Captain. The only bit of information that I could access is that a subroutine of the programme is named Zoltán. I respect Admiral Janeway's privacy."
"Then Admiral Janeway is still using the programme, Seven."
Seven nodded. "There's more."
"What?"
"When was the last time Admiral Janeway spent time on Voyager?"
He sighed. It was three weeks ago. She had been preoccupied, but her influence in Starfleet Command could get her a weekend vacation on her old ship. In the last year... He closed his eyes. Stretching his memory, he realised she had been on the ship at least once a month. They had had dinner in the mess hall together, conducted conversation in convivial mood. They had joked how she couldn't free herself from her ship, how possessive she had always sounded when she spoke about "my ship." Yes, they had joked about it.
Not once had he felt that she encroached on his command of Voyager, or questioned his style of leadership. They were friends, perfect friends, he always thought. Maybe once upon a time there could have been something between them. That there wasn't, didn't bother him, as long as he knew that she would always be in his orbit, be his friend, his intimate friend exactly the way it had been in the Delta Quadrant. He couldn't imagine not having Kathryn somewhere in his working life, and on occasion, in his personal life too. Other than conversing with him, she spent her time in the holodecks or in her designated Admiral's suite, or…the hydroponics bay..
"Captain?"
"Three weeks ago, for a weekend getaway."
"Admiral Janeway seemed troubled."
"Yes…yes, I noticed, Annika."
"I am concerned."
"As I am. I'll look into this. She's…oh, hell, she's at Deep Space Nine…"
"Waiting to board Voyager."
He had nodded, too concerned to say anything.
"Well, Captain. It may be nothing at all, but do you not think it unusual for a former captain of this vessel to have such a connection to the ship? To bond with an inanimate object - this ship is merely a vessel designed to perform specific functions. Other than that it is a collection of bulkheads and conduits…"
He had looked up, gazed long at Seven of Nine. He had thought about it before, many nights lying on his bed in his quarters. They had been a family living in close quarters on Voyager for seven years. They all had a bond, and Kathryn in particular felt closer to her ship than most of the crew. He felt close to Voyager, as if it were his second skin. He could understand Kathryn feeling like that, not wanting to lose contact with her old ship, or just to break away from her desk and sail into deep space to experience the streak of stars, super novas, cosmic borealis, visit planets never visited before. She had been born to command, born to traverse the skies. Voyager witnessed her descent into depression, witnessed her joy, her passion, her life. Every bulkhead and conduit and corridor and deck and transporter platform breathed Kathryn. Yes, he could understand that she felt connected to her ship and was loath to let go.
"No," he said heavily, "I don't think it unusual."
*
That had been at 0600 this morning. He had been unable to relax after Seven's visit. Later he had sat in the mess hall talking with four new crewmembers - two ensigns and two young junior grade lieutenants. He had been courteous, told them not to be afraid of him. He had heard how the old Maquis contingent on Voyager instilled the fear of the devil in newcomers by telling them the captain would roast and eat them for dinner. If they stepped out of line just two centimetres to the left or right, they could expect to decked and kiss the floor. So the four of them sat rigidly in his presence, not very willing to loosen their tongues. By the end of that conversation he was exhausted, promising silently to kill Dalby, Ayala, Henley and the Prussian Johann Baedeker.
He had returned to the bridge where he felt the most at ease, to reflect on Seven of Nine's report. He had no issues with Kathryn spending time on her old ship. It was normal, wasn't it? The crew accepted her presence in good spirit, always welcoming her warmly. That way she maintained contact with them. They were happy. She was happy. He didn't mind. He could see his old friend and confidant in the flesh.
It was an arrangement that suited him. That way his own helpless longing for her could be assuaged. Over the years he had known that Kathryn was never going to look on him as a possible life partner or even go so far as to indulge in an affair with him while her mission to get her people home. That task superseded all feeling, all prospects of tenderness, of love, of making a home within a home with him as husband, lover, friend, mentor, moral compass. He had been content just being with her.
One day, he knew, it wasn't going to be enough anymore.
A programme with a subroutine called Zoltán augured something strange, unknown. There was no Fair Haven anymore; Paris had deleted that programme after most of the crew had lost interest in it and his re-enactment of twentieth century classic movies and novels became the new craze. He doubted seriously that Kathryn was still mooning around with Michael Sullivan in the holodeck. In fact, she had boasted at one time that she became Ilse Lund who was in love with Rick in "Casablanca". Everybody loved "Casablanca".
Zoltán, however, was something different. Whoever Zoltán was.
He had been sitting down to lunch in the mess hall when a shadow fell over him. He looked up and saw Lessing towering above him.
"She comes down to the hydroponics bay whenever she visits, Captain," Lessing started without preamble.
He had suspected that. Kathryn had always been interested in all things that happened on her ship. Hydroponics was home to her precious tomato seedlings. Even now…
"How do you know that's what I wanted to hear, Lessing?"
"Just that you look like thunder, liked she looked when she threatened to kill me. Seven of Nine informed me, purely because she thought I talk to the admiral whenever she's in hydroponics and that I should fill you in. Captain, I do believe something's wrong with Admiral Janeway and I hope that you can do something about it. It will be a new year tomorrow."
"Your point?"
"Well, people make resolutions, don't they? I'm sure you're part of the admiral's new year's resolutions."
"Lessing…"
"Thank you, Captain. This is the point where I'll leave. I'd just like to add…"
"What?"
"The admiral had forgotten I was standing there. I heard her mention the name Zoltán. No one has ever heard of Zoltán. Who is Zoltán?"
Was he the only one who didn't know there was something going on in Kathryn's life?
"That's none of your business, Lessing."
"And one more thing, Captain…"
"What now, Lessing?"
"You do know that this has been going on for almost two years? Some crew called her the ghost of Deck Six. She used to wander there in the dead of night. And then of course…"
"Lessing!"
"Thank you, Captain. That will be all, Captain. I may be a full head taller than you, but I do not wish to kiss the floor."
***
After Lessing left, Chakotay, filled with deep suspicion about Kathryn's actions aboard the ship, began to think himself into justifying breaking Kathryn's code in the Holographic Research Lab. It didn't take long to evolve from respecting a personal friend's privacy to deciding how essential it was to determine the reason behind the bleak look in Kathryn's eyes, her quietness the last time she had been on Voyager. Her detachment from him during their conversation made taking steps to find out what was wrong and how to correct it, of critical importance. Kathryn might tell him to go to hell, but she had hardly looked rested at the end of her last visit.
Seven of Nine's report and Noah Lessing's testimony in the mess hall left no uncertainty in his mind that it had to do with a person, possibly a new hologram:
Zoltán.
If Lessing and Seven of Nine, far less inclined to speculation and gossip-mongering than any other member of his crew, knew of a Zoltán, he could assume that a good many other crewmembers and officers knew. Everyone had known about Michael Sullivan, thanks to Neelix, Voyager's public broadcaster. Seven of Nine based her finding on precisely that: a routine inspection of the ship's library and computer systems, especially the holodecks. Lessing had actually heard Kathryn mentioning Zoltán.
While Tuvok had taken over the bridge, he had made his way to the Holographic Research Lab, keying in Kathryn's old command codes to enter. Old Maquis trick had become old hat. It was easy to get in on Kathryn's older codes. That way, the computer system recognised the entry codes, preparing for a Janeway voice command or text access code.
"Very clever, Kathryn," he murmured once the feeling of guilt passed and he began the decryption sequences, bypassing voice command until he could overlay his own voice on that of Janeway. After about forty minutes of entering combinations of codes, he traced her main code as well as the subroutine for Zoltán. Then the real work started. Just to use voice override cost another thirty minutes.
Then, finally…
"Computer, access Janeway Beta 4-7-7", he said, in Kathryn's Janeway's voice.
"Accessing library computer data," responded the male voice of the computer. Chakotay frowned. Voyager's computer voice was female… This voice sounded gravelly, deep and somewhat melodious, he conceded not without envy.
"Computer, establish voice command for Janeway Beta 4-7-7."
A few beeps and then:
"Acknowledged. How may I help you this afternoon, Kathryn?"
Chakotay felt like something punched him in the gut. He could see on the data stream that there were only two holographic interfaces in this subroutine. Where was the hologram Zoltán? There was only a holographic replica of the warp core and the main computer core.
"You seem to know what I want… Zoltán," he hazarded a guess. A male voice. It could easily be Zoltán.
"Oh, my Kathryn. You are too early. One whole week early. Did you miss me?"
His consternation grew alarmingly. This was no ordinary hologram. He saw no imitation of a human in the middle of the lab. What was Kathryn thinking? Doing? The voice Zoltán possessed the normal parameters for autonomic responses and stimuli, and then more.
"Yes, I miss you very much," he told Zoltán.
"What guise shall I be tonight, my love?"
Chakotay bit his lips to prevent an involuntary exclamation. My love?
Chakotay looked at the LCARS data. He had to make a decision. Zoltán was giving him leading questions.
"The main computer core."
The next moment a representation of the main computer core appeared in the middle of the floor. Chakotay frowned. In the middle of the computer was a chair in a reclining position.
"Kathryn, darling, have you changed your DNA?" Zoltán asked.
Chakotay could kick himself. His fingerprints were all over the panels. Zoltán picked it up.
"Oh, Zoltán! I visited Captain Chakotay in his ready room, had lunch with him in his quarters and we played Velocity today. Of course I touched Captain Chakotay in the process!"
"Captain Chakotay, your great friend? That is good, sweet Kathryn, that you have a friend."
Chakotay could have sworn Zoltán sounded sarcastic. More like he was jealous too. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead with the back of his hand and gave a sigh of relief.
"Thank you, Zoltán. You understand me too well."
Chakotay kept his eyes on the main computer core with its armless chair in the middle. Spirits! Could Kathryn…?
"What shall I do for you today, my love?"
Chakotay moved toward the centre of the room, his palms sweaty, itching, his heart racing, his mind whirling with a thousand questions. His eyes burned, of what, he knew not. They were not tears. They were not wet imaginings of a bygone time on Voyager. He only knew, felt an anger like he had never before experienced.
Ruthlessly he reined his emotion as he sat down on the reclining seat, not leaning back like he knew Kathryn would have done.
"Take the visor, Kathryn, and let me soothe you…" Zoltán commanded.
Chakotay took the visor and slowly slipped it over his eyes.
A second later, a blinding flash. Then…
"Oh, my God…"
******
"Captain, you should be going off-duty,” he heard Tuvok say. Tuvok's voice brought him back to the present and Chakotay blinked as he stared at the main viewscreen. For a moment he felt disoriented and stupid enough to ask, "Where are we?"
"Still hours away. You require rest, Captain. I suggest you take it now."
“Thank you, Tuvok. I want to be here when we dock at Deep Space Nine."
"Aye, Captain."
Chakotay left the bridge and made his way to his quarters. He was exhausted, but not sleepy. A good long shower, a book of Kathryn's she had left during her last visit and some good old Earth music would just be the thing.
He was reading Pride and Prejudice but all the time he was reading, he thought of Kathryn and Zoltán. There was no time to feel jealous or rage against her in her absence. He had to do something, or Kathryn was going to waste away. He thought of something she had told him once, while they were travelling through Krenim space. He had given her the fob watch and chain for her birthday. A quiet evening spent in the holodeck representation of her Indiana lounge with a crackling fire. They had spoken about how the crew had become a family, how they loved the challenges thrown at them. Kathryn had told him about a conversation on that very topic she had had with Tuvok.
"He said that he could never understand the human compulsion to bond emotionally with inanimate objects like dolls and toy targs and a ship like Voyager."
"Toy targs, huh. Of course it's human. A compulsion? I don't think so."
"Then he told me that Voyager was a vessel that has done nothing for us. It is an assemblage of bulkheads, conduits, tritanium, nothing more."
"I can guess what you told him, but you're going to tell me anyway, right?"
"Oh, yes! I told him Voyager is much more than that. It has been our home. It's kept us together. It's been part of our family. As illogical as this might sound, I feel as close to Voyager as I do to any other member of my crew."
Only this morning, Seven of Nine had quoted almost verbatim Tuvok's sentiment. Chakotay groaned in agony as he remembered Kathryn's words that night. How close to Voyager she was was brought glaringly home in the Research Laboratory, with Zoltán and, more disturbingly, what Zoltán represented. His discovery let the bile rise in him again, for he could place Kathryn's words of then into its context now.
Something had to be done. Kathryn needed help.
****
Naturally, he never closed an eye after the discoveries of the day before and when he stood in the transporter room at 0600 the following morning to receive the ambassador and Admiral Swanson, he was dispirited and irritable. He had welcomed them warmly, managed to hide his disquiet and then made sure they were safely ensconced in their quarters first before waiting for Kathryn's arrival.
She had arrived in her private shuttle and docked with Voyager an hour after the dignitaries arrived. He waited for her in the shuttle bay.
The moment she stepped down the platform, he felt better seeing her and his concerns and anger, his tiredness and itchiness forgotten for the moment. He was just glad to see her. She wore a dress and looked incredibly beautiful, her hair swaying about her face as she moved towards him. Her dress was ankle length, a lot like the blue dress she had worn on New Earth. It brought back wondrous memories.
"Chakotay!"
She rushed forward after an ensign had grabbed her duffel and sped away with it to her suite.
"Well, well, well, Kathryn. I must say you look good," he responded, pulling her to him and kissing her on the cheek, prolonging the hug. She did look much better than the last time he had seen her. "You should always wear a dress, Kathryn," he said when he held her a little away from him, but not releasing his touch on her shoulders.
"Glad you like it, Chakotay." She gave him a piercing look, her eyes narrowing. "You look like hell. Did you sleep at all?"
"Let's just say it was the thought of your arrival and being in my company once again that kept me awake."
"Hmmm, one lousy explanation come and gone."
"It's true, but don't let it worry you. I'll take a nap. Tonight. At bed time."
Kathryn laughed, hooked her arms through his as they headed for the cargo bay entrance and in the direction of the nearest turbolift.
Chakotay couldn't understand his own feelings. They were conflicting emotions that rushed through him like an ocean wave hurtling towards the shore before collapsing against the beach. He wanted to understand her connection to Zoltán, wanted to tell her furiously that she was on a path of self-destruction, that there were other, healthier alternatives. On the other hand, he was glad that she was on Voyager, that he could be in her company for a whole weekend. He loved her and for a moment he closed his eyes as he stood in the turbolift with her.
He loved her. The admission of that fact came quietly to him. He had always known how he felt, always, but over the years had shielded that part of him most vulnerable to Kathryn's amazing attraction. And so he had never thought about it again. It was just something that lived with him, was a part of him, meshed into his bloodstream, the walls and arteries and cells and organs and every step he took.
It was why he could afford to be the friend, the confidant, the mentor, the loyal first officer without ever wanting to climb the bulkheads and scream his desperate obsession and frustration.
Now the thought, the knowledge came flooding back, all because of Zoltán.
"Something must be the matter, Chakotay," Kathryn said softly, smiling. "You're very quiet."
"Sorry. Just thinking about a few things."
"Am I somewhere in there?"
"Of course. See you at lunch time in the mess hall?"
"That would be great. I'd like to walk the ship before then." Kathryn gave a sigh of wonder. "It's good to be back on my ship, Chakotay."
When he left her at the entrance to her private suite, and heading for the bridge, he couldn't help but think how Kathryn spoke again of Voyager as "my ship".
It haunted him the entire day.
*******************
END PART ONE