The Great Burger Pit Shootout
By Elizabeta
October 1, 2000
Oh, you were talking to me,
you on the other side of the padded wall
You ask why I am here,
what made my mind disintegrate and fall.
Well, it's really quite simple,
my equally spaced-out friend,
It all has to do with WORK,
and the burgers that never end.
Look, there goes one now!
Running around on two legs
with small fries and a large shake
MAKE IT STOP!!, OH, PLEASE, I BEG!!!
Welcome to Burger Pit, may I take your order?
That's a Super Duper Extra Value Meal
Two month old burgers for the price of one ---
WHAT A DEAL!!!!!!! (mmm mmm boy!!!)
Funny Meals are dangerous to your health
The Burger Pit clown is evil (I hear he works for the CIA)
All those Funny Meal cookies are really
three years old and full of weevils
(They make 'em taste better though,
and make up for 90% of the nutritional value.....)
How may I take your order?
You want two number ones or one number two?
I really wanted to work at the Post Office,
but they said I wasn't odd
But when Burger Pit got through with me,
I was ready for the job
A little TOO ready,
if you know what I mean
because I stabbed one of my co-workers
with a restaurant chair right in the spleen (ouch...)
I think I finally lost it then and there
I remember pulling out my ammo supply
which I stashed between the packages of buns,
near some moldy old fries (just throw them in with the fresh ones...
no one will ever know..)
And I let that annoying little moron have it
right in the arm - the blood was everywhere
And soon everyone was grabbing guns
and shooting up the place like they just didn't care (and they
didn't)
Burgers and fries were flying
LOOK, MOM, THERE GOES AN UFO!!! (Unidentified Food Object)
We were sword fighting with plastic dinnerware
and standing on the tables throwing sauce on those below
Some customer called the cops on her cell phone
and soon they were there, surrounding the place
And they told us all to surrender or they'd come rushing in
But we were having too much fun firing bullets into space
We fought bravely and valiantly and got 'em good
with with a barrage of squirty packs of ketchup
But against tear gas and task force guys in riot gear,
our simple weapons were not enough (We were out of ammo for the
guns, but had enough
leftover food to keep fighting steadily for at least a week.)
And soon it was all over but the crying
and the vast job of cleaning up
Nobody was hurt badly, except that annoying little moron,
a cop who had a life-threatening allergy to ketchup,
and the guy whom I stabbed in the spleen with a chair.
Some of my co-workers are doing community service,
and others are undergoing therapy (for their part in the shootout,
or due to their former job at Burger Pit, I do not know)
But because I was the instigator of the great Burger Pit Shootout,
the local Nuthouse was where I had to go.
So that's my story. That's why I'm here,
high on happy pills in this padded room.
But at least it's not the Pit of Unending Burgers,
that place of unending torture and doom.
Can I have some more Prozac?
It'll make these horrible memories go away,
And I'll be happy happy happy down on the farm (the Funny Farm,
that is.. ha ha!!)
where the men in white coats keep the burgers at bay.
-=-