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[Fade in: the same Red Dwarf lounge. Lister and Duo sit where they did before, with a little pyramid of JMC-issue beer cans in front of them. Wufei sits where he did, still looking stiff and unhappy. Rimmer is still pacing. Cat leans against the wall looking suave. Heero sits on the table with a bazookoid across his lap looking miserable. Kryten is dusting and straightening things. Trowa stands against the wall opposite the Cat, with Quatre sitting at his feet.]
RIMMER: So Holly...let me get this straight...you're saying we can't shoot it at all?
HOLLY: That's right.
RIMMER: Last time it took heat-seaking missiles to kill that thing!
HOLLY: Yup. I told you, this one's biology is different. Heat-seekers won't pick it up. Normal guns and explosions won't harm it.
DUO: [waving his lager can around in the air] Yeah, well, I'm Shinigami! I bet I can take care of it! Just get it outside where the Deathscythe and I can--
HOLLY: Sorry, Duo mate. Your thermal weapons have the same problem as the missiles.
DUO: Oh yeah? What problem is that, exactly?
HOLLY: [pause. blink] It's very technical. You wouldn't understand.
HEERO: I've had enough. I'm going to go kill it.
[Heero gets off the table, shoulders the bazookoid, and stalks out of the lounge.]
LISTER: Shouldn't we stop him from going?
DUO: Don't bother, it won't work anyway. [shrug] He's always looking for new ways to get himself killed.
WUFEI: [glaring at Duo] Well I for one am not so weak that I intend to sit around drinking while my comrades are in danger! I will go with Heero, and the monster will be destroyed.
[Wufei and his sword head out of the room.]
RIMMER: [calling after Wufei and Heero] Good luck! Let us know when you've gotten rid of it! [turns back to the people left in the room] It's superior leadership that's necessary in circumstances like these, Listy! The general sends the soldiers out to win the battle...!
LISTER: [under his breath] Smeghead.
DUO: Now that's one I haven't heard before.
Meanwhile....
[Heero, with bazookoid, is stalking the polymorph through the corridors. Or at least he thinks he is--it's hard to tell, since it can turn into anything, and he isn't familiar enough with the surrounding to know if something's out of place. ]
HEERO: [muttering to himself] Keep an eye out for anything unusual...anything unusual.... Aha! [He swings the bazookoid and points it as he hears a noise, but drops it again when two of the scutters come wheeling down the corridor dressed up like a cowboy and an indian. Heero just shakes his head.] Unusual on /this/ ship....
[Heero reaches a slightly-open door. In classic SWAT-team pose, he eases open the door and points the gun inside. Nothing. He follows the gun into the room, and falls back in horror.]
And back in the lounge....
[Lister, Cat, Kryten and Duo are sitting around the table playing cards. The beercan pyramid has grown til it reaches past the top of Duo's head. Trowa has commandeered Heero's laptop and is typing something, staring intensely at the screen. Quatre is sitting on Trowa's lap, looking like he's not quite sure what they all ought to be doing right now. Rimmer is -surprise!- pacing.]
RIMMER: What's taking them so long?
KRYTEN: They /are/ stalking a polymorph, sir. They don't even know what their prey looks like. Add to that the fact that they're unfamiliar with Red Dwarf, and--
RIMMER: Well I'm not buying it! Who's the one who was wingeing on about how he's the Perfect Soldier, oh yes Mr I Can Kill Anything--
DUO: [drunkenly, beaming at Lister] Hey, you're right! He is a smeghead!
[Rimmer gives Duo a death glare, but Duo, who's been getting far more potent ones from Heero for ages, remains unfazed.]
LISTER: Hey, man! [gives Duo a high five] Here, I'll see your power converters, and raise you my copy of 'Baked Bean Bombshells, volume 12.'
CAT: You're going to bet that? What if he wins?
QUATRE: [looks up at Trowa] Um...should we be letting Duo gamble away parts of his Gundam?
And back to our bold heroes...er, Heero....
[Heero has found Rimmer and Lister's room. Holding his hand over his nose, he pokes the gun into Lister's laundry hamper a few times. No polymorph appears. He opens the closet and jumps back in shock as a huge android, vaguely resemblant of the potential offspring of Marilyn Monroe and C-3PO, lumbers mechanically out of the closet and stands there. Heero lowers the gun and sighs.]
HEERO: That can't be it. Nothing would be that stupid. [He catches site of Lennon and McCartney, the mechanical goldfish, and goes to poke his fingers in the fishbowl.] Hey, those are kind of neat.
[Suddenly Wufei sticks his head in the door.]
WUFEI: Yuy? Any sign of it?
HEERO: I don't think so...this place is weird.
WUFEI: Say, Yuy...there's another reason I came out to hunt this with you.
HEERO: You mean besides it being honourable?
WUFEI: Right. It's a rather uncomfortable subject....
HEERO: [suspicious, but not in the right way] What?
WUFEI: Maybe we should leave the rest of them behind here. They only get in our way anyway.
HEERO: What?
WUFEI: Besides... [He stalks closer to Heero, his eyes all big and wobbly, and takes Heero's hand.] I'm not sure how to say this....
HEERO: [now quite thoroughly confused] Wufei??
[Wufei leans in to kiss Heero. Heero is completely unsure what to make of this, and his bewilderment is probably the only reason he lets Wufei get away with this.]
WUFEI: [quietly] See? You do have emotions after all.
HEERO: Wufei--what--?
[Abruptly Wufei turns into the big goopy sludge-monster from earlier and glomps onto Heero's forehead. Heero falls down, bumping into the dirty sock bin. The polymorph turns back into Wufei, smiles smugly, and disappears out the door, leaving Heero unconscious on the floor with Lister's socks scattered around him.]
And elsewhere....
[Wufei--we presume the /real/ Wufei, since this one has a sword--is stalking down yet another dimly lit corridor. (There are gazillions of these aboard Red Dwarf, after all.) Lots of eerie lighting and some intense organ music. Nothing...nothing...still nothing. Finally he finds an open door. Peering in, he sees Heero lying unconscious. Wufei picks up Heero and heads back to the others.]
And back to the Boys in the Lounge....
[The beercan pyramid now blocks most of the door, so the camera--just imagine it, okay?--has to weave around a little to even see the card players. Duo and Lister heave their cans in the air, chanting that ridiculous Chinese drinking game from Jackie Chan's "Shanghai Noon." Cat is slumped in his chair, passed out. Kryten gets up and takes the now-demolished tray of chocolate fingers.]
KRYTEN: I'll just go get started on dinner, sirs.
QUATRE: [slides off Trowa's lap] I'll go with you.
[This is the only response Kryten gets. Trowa is still staring at Heero's laptop, Cat is passed out, Lister and Duo are completely engrossed in butchering the words to the drinking song, and Rimmer is pacing, now with periodic peeks out the door.]
LISTER: This is /great/, man! Where did you learn it?
DUO: Wufei taught it to me, the one time I ever got him drunk. Isn't it wild?
RIMMER: I still don't believe this. Here we are, our ship is under attack, and you two are getting drunk and playing cards!
LISTER: Hey, man, we're just waitin' for Trowa or Holly to tell us how to kill it!
RIMMER: By which point, all you'll be capable of doing is vomiting on it.
LISTER: Oh, leave off! We're just having a bit of fun! Don't want to be bad hosts, after all!
[At this point, the door opens and Wufei enters, carrying the unconscious Heero.]
RIMMER: Well it's about time! Is it dead?
[Wufei does not even deign this with a response. He sweeps the beercan pyramid out of the way, sending it crashing down in an avalanche around Trowa and the laptop, and deposits Heero on the table.]
LISTER: [sighs] It got him, didn't it?
DUO: [shaking Heero] Heero? Wake up...hey, Heero, what happened?
HEERO: [mumbles, still mostly unconscious] Wufei...kissed...what..?
[Duo and Wufei stare at each other.]
DUO: Wow, Wufei--
WUFEI: I. Did. Not.
LISTER: Polymorph probably got him. We'll be able to tell for sure when he wakes up.
[Heero moans again.]
[Fade in. The Red Dwarf kitchen. Kryten and Quatre are happily bustling around, mixing things in bowls, stirring, opening the oven, and generally looking domestic. Quatre drops a wooden spoon, and when he bends down to get it, he notices something. He picks up a long tube, much like a vacuum hose, and holds it up quizzically.]
QUATRE: Kryten? What's this thing?
KRYTEN: Oh, that's my digital suction attachment, sir. It plugs into my groinal socket.
QUATRE: [drops it quick!] You have a--
KRYTEN: Well of course, Mr Quatre sir. I have several attachments that plug into my groinal socket. Tea stirrer, egg whisk--is something wrong?
QUATRE: No--I'm all right-- [holding a towel to his nose.] I'm just going to--I'll be right back-- [opens door to bathroom compartment--I think there's one there, but if there isn't, I just put one there. His voice, off-camera:] AAAUGH!!
KRYTEN: Mr Quatre? Is something wrong? [hears a *thud*] Oh dear....[calls toward lounge] Come quickly, sirs, I think it's gotten Mr Quatre! Oh...oh dear... [He picks up the nearest weapon--the wooden spoon. Then he looks at it, tosses it aside, and picks up a butcher knife instead. Tosses that aside as well. Finally settles on a meat tenderiser and holds it up as he goes to investigate. He walks off-camera. There's another loud thump.]
In the lounge....
[The others are too busy fussing over Heero to hear Kryten's call for help, so his and Quatre's plight goes unnoticed. For now. Trowa gingerly picks himself up from the landslide of beer cans and leans over Heero.]
TROWA: Heero..? Are you conscious?
[Heero's eyes spring open. He grabs Trowa around the neck, pulls him down, and kisses him.]
TROWA: [flailing] Wha-wha-HEERO!! [pushes Heero away. They all stand there mystified, staring at Heero, who passes out again.]
LISTER: As I was saying, the polymorph eats people's emotions. They tend to go through a severe personality change when it gets 'em.
DUO: [shaken] What emotion of Heero's did it /eat/?
LISTER: [sighs] Right. We can't wait any longer, Hol. You figured out how to kill the thing yet?
HOLLY: I'm working on it!
LISTER: We'll experiment. [shoulders Heero's bazookoid.] We're gonna split up and search the ship.
RIMMER: Right. I suggest you take braid-boy here and check the cargo holds. You [points to Wufei] take the Cat and check out the lower levels. [Cat stirs, blinks, wakes up.]
CAT: Are we goin' after the polymorph yet...?
[Wufei stares at Cat in disgust, but decides it beats scouring the ship with Rimmer, and nods.]
RIMMER: Trowa, Holly--you stay here and keep looking for ways to destroy it, and keep an eye on Heero. I don't know what's keeping Quatre and Kryten, but when they get back, tell them to check out the upper levels. all right?
WUFEI: And what are you going to do?
LISTER: What do you think? He's gonna hide.
RIMMER: [glares at Lister] /I/ will be finding suitable places to reconvene should a retreat be necessary. Well, yes. Hiding.
DUO: [helps himself to Heero's gun so he'll have an extra] Well, let's get going.
[All leave except Trowa, who pushes aside the beer cans and starts typing again.]
Back in the kitchen....
[Quatre and Kryten moan, stir, and wake up, pushing themselves groggily to their feet.]
QUATRE: What...happened...?
KRYTEN: I think we were ambushed by the polymorph, sir. If I had the psi-scan, I could tell you exactly which emotion it was we were missing.
QUATRE: [hand to his head] I feel funny...
KRYTEN: I suggest, sir, that we split up and find the others.
QUATRE: [big smile] That's a good idea. I'll bet they've started looking for us by now. I'll look back in the lounge, you try the other places...I don't want to get lost here by myself.
KRYTEN: Excellent plan, sir. We'll reconvene back here when we've found them. [departs]
QUATRE: [his hand still to his head] I wonder....
[Fade out]
[Fade in on Rimmer, who is stacking boxes up like a little kids' fort trying to make them into an impenetrable wall. A remote-control car zooms along the floor, but he doesn't see it. It stops. Suddenly it turns into a big inflatable beach ball.]
BEACH BALL: Sssssssssss [the sound of air leaking out]
[The beach ball turns into a fancy embroidered lampshade. It doesn't like that either, and becomes a guitar. No--too dangerous. It becomes a box. Rimmer picks it up and stacks it with the other boxes. It turns into Big Gloopy Sludge-Monster (tm) and glomps Rimmer's forehead. Rimmer passes out.]
Meanwhile....
[Back in the lounge, Trowa is still huddled over the laptop. He's getting frustrated, though it's hard to tell. Heero is still unconscious. Holly blinks on the laptop monitor.]
HOLLY: Any answers yet?
TROWA: No, not yet. You?
HOLLY: Nothing here either. Though it's hard to tell sometimes if I'm going through real data, or if it's just specks of grit in my hard drive.
TROWA: [sweatdrop] Well, keep looking.
HOLLY: You too, mate, you too. Good luck. [blinks off]
[Trowa remains at the computer for a few minutes, working in silence.]
QUATRES' VOICE [off-camera]: Trowa...?
TROWA: [looks up] Quatre?
QUATRE'S VOICE: I'm booooored....put that away for a while and keep me company?
[Trowa looks where the voice is coming from. His jaw drops and his eyes start to water. Quatre steps out of the shadows in a skintight, black leather catsuit and a certain familiar angelic smile. And carrying a riding crop--we won't ask where he got it, maybe it was leftover from Evil Rimmer in "Demons and Angels", we don't really want to know.]
TROWA: [stammering] Qu--Quatre--?? [You can tell he'd like to get back to work and save Quatre from the clutches of the Evil Emotion-Eating Polymorph, but he just can't tear his eyes away. Quatre smiles and pulls him into another room.]
In another part of the ship....
[The Cat and Wufei are in the aforementioned dimly-lit corridors, stalking their prey.]
WUFEI: Now just--just be quiet and--
CAT: Hey, are you trying to tell me how to hunt baddies? I am a /cat/, buddy! My ancestors were bringing prey home in their mouths before you humans could walk on two legs!
WUFEI: My ancestors were dragons. Now be quiet.
CAT: You /what/?
WUFEI: You heard me. Now let's have silence so we can properly search for our enemy!
[Cat just shakes his head.]
CAT: Hey..what's this over here?
[Wufei sets down his sword and goes to look. A Twizzler's licorice candy inchworms up to the sword, looks at it, and pushes it out of the way. It crashes. The Twizzler quickly becomes the sword, just as Wufei turns around to grab it.]
CAT: False alarm, I guess. [Nudging something with his toe.] So tell me--what was it like kissing that iceman?
WUFEI: [has the sword at the Cat's throat before you can blink] I. Did. Not. Kiss. Heero.
CAT: [raises arms] Hey, man, whatever, it's okay, I believe you... [Wufei drops the sword.] Sheesh. No making conversation with some people--Aaugh!
[The sword arcs out of Wufei's hand. It becomes a bright pink bird, flies around them a few times spewing feathers, and as soon as it has them disoriented, because the sludge-monster and glomps the Cat. Cat falls down unconscious. Wufei scrambles for his /real/ sword frantically. The polymorph turns into a little pink construction-paper bug with Christine Aguilera's face. Wufei can only stare in horror as the creature comes closer...closer...*glomp*!]
WUFEI: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!
[Commercial break #3...hopefully the last!]
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