I do not own Gundam Wing or any characters in it. Gundam Wing belongs to Sotsu, Sunrise, ANB, and other rich people. I do not own I Don't Know You Anymore, it's by Savage Garden. Mozart's K.626 Requiem belongs to Mozart. I am not making any money off of this, and I have no money so don't sue me. On the other hand, I do own whatever random side characters I come up with.
Warnings: Rated R for content. Contains lime, male/male pairings, violence, death, and some language. If any of this content offends you, your parents don't want you reading this, or you are not old enough to read this, please don't. If you choose to read on anyway, if you have been warned and I do not care to receive any content based complaints after said warning. Thank you.
Author's Notes: Words inside // indicate song lyrics. This part does contain lime. Lime is defined as a mild, not too descriptive sex scene. Pairings: Heero/Duo, Quatre/Trowa, Relena/OC
“Heero,” I said softly, nodding slightly at him. I stepped back and gestured him inside. He stepped in and looked around. I led him into the kitchen and we sat down.
“Duo,” he looked into my eyes, “it's good to see you.” A desperate light burned in them. I said nothing. “We've been so worried, all of us have since you disappeared.”
“I'm sure you have,” I replied. My tone was full of biting sarcasm, as rage bubbled up inside me, out of control. “I'm sure you all miss having someone conveniently around to take your frustrations out on, I made it so easy for you.
“I'm sure you miss having someone to yell at. I'm positive you at least miss having me around for a convenient fuck. I know all of you must miss having me around to abuse or abandon at the slightest whim.
“Oh yes, I'm sure you all miss me desperately.” My voice degenerated into an angry snarl as thousands of memories began to beat at the inside of my brain again.
Every muscle in my body was tensing up in my fury. And the hot, writhing fire that burned in my soul grew greater when I saw the look in his eyes.
I wanted desperately to rip him apart as badly as he had me, only I couldn't do it physically. I hoped my words would instead. But no, his eyes said plainly that I had not succeeded.
He had the gall to look hurt and utterly confused, as if he had no idea what I was talking about. My words meant nothing to him. The torture I had gone through with them and after didn't matter. The fact that he didn't know all of it didn't matter. I had chosen to be dead to them; that should have told them something!
/Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again/
I pushed my chair back and listened to it grate across the floor. It made the sound my nerves felt like. I got up, and stalked out of the room, the muscles in my leg pulling and forcing the limp I tried so hard to minimize into full view.
I left him behind, trying to pull my nerves back in. Trying to control all the anger and hurt I felt. How dare he speak to me so, after what he, what they did? How dare he?
Why couldn't he have let me be dead? Let me move on and put my past far behind me? Let Duo Maxwell molder in the grave I'd created for him in my mind? It was Davin McDonnell's turn to live. It really was, and they couldn't leave me alone.
I fled to my library and stopped. I breathed in deeply, trying to control my reactions. Trying not to remember. I focused on one wall. I focused on the pictures there, the pictures of my life as Davin.
They were almost enough to anchor me. Almost.
I stared at Drew, dressed as a Pirate for Halloween and mugging madly for the camera. I stared at a picture of us at a Guy Fawkes celebration, laughing while a Catherine Wheel spun behind us, and the dummy was dragged towards the bonfire. I smiled at a picture of the two of us with his mother from last Christmas. We were sitting in a sea of wrapping paper, tinsel, ribbons, and presents. There was a series of pictures of all of us from Adam's high school graduation.
And then, last but not least were the two that shook off the measure of calm and current reality I'd gathered around my shredded soul. The two pictures that I kept to remind me where I'd come from and why I couldn't ever go back.
The first was a picture of me and Drew. His father had snapped it. I was glowing brightly, happily, as if my future had just found its path. It had been taken three days before that final mission.
The second had been taken just after it. Drew held me up in it, because I was too weak to hold myself up. I was pale, thin, and looked like I had crawled out of a grave. And it was quite literally true.
My mind was unable to hold onto the present and it fell backwards into the seething pool of memories.
I fell through unrelieved darkness that was filled with screams of pain and death, past dark trees, and tortured nightmares. I fell with the knowledge that I would have to come back this way, have to deal with these memories, and I shuddered.
My mind briefly alighted at my college graduation, and the struggle to be good like I'd promised Drew's mother. I shouldn't have said Heero could come, I should have taken Drew's offer and fled to his house. I wasn't ready for this. I would never be ready for this.
“Duo?” he asked, suddenly standing behind me. His voice echoed in my head, each echoing striking a thousand memories. It was all too much. My eyes closed and I gave into the darkness in my mind.
/Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda/
I walked into Preventer's Headquarters and took a deep breath. I wasn't quite sure why I was here, other than I wanted to see them again. We'd fought a war together, and Quatre kept insisting that they needed me. He'd been nagging me since we destroyed the Gundams last spring, but I'd refused to come until I'd finished school. I hadn't told Quatre why I wouldn't come, hence the nagging. So here I was, wondering when I could stop fighting. When they'd decide that I'd done enough. Wondering, most of all, when I could stop being death and actually enjoy my life.
I stood in the entryway, hesitating, with my hands in my pockets. Drew's voice rang in my mind. “Just remember,” he'd said, “you don't have to be Duo Maxwell forever. You can always come back to Scotland and be Davin McDonnell. Mum's already adopted you into the family, and we all love the idea. Remember this, Dav. Whenever you need us, we're here for you.”
I contemplated turning around and doing just that.
“Duo?” a voice said. I looked, and there stood Heero. He had a half smile on his face as he stared at me uncertainly. My breath caught in my throat as I stared at him. His eyes almost seemed warm, and he looked fantastic in tight jeans and a T-shirt.
“Hey, Heero! How's it going?” I bubbled, slipping into Duo mode. The act felt wrong, like I was putting on clothes that I had grown out of years ago. I realized it was true, but I knew, even as I hoped it would change, that I couldn't show them who I had become. I bounced forward, and made to hug him.
He backed away from me. “Baka,” he said. “We were told you would not be here for another two days.”
I blinked. “Don't know about what you were told, Heero old buddy, but I was told to be here today, so I am. And what are you doing here anyway? I thought you were in charge of Relena's personal security.”
“I was. I'm here now,” he informed me. I could see that Heero was as talkative as ever.
Another Preventer came up and took me off into the bowels of the building to begin training. I personally think they forgot I was a Gundam Pilot. Once learned, never forgotten. I was out of their training in less than a day, only to find out that Heero was my partner, just like in the wars.
I talked and chattered, and he remained as verbose as he ever was. Quatre was partnered with Trowa, and going into their office unannounced could definitely be a shock to innocent eyes. They only time they didn't touch and cuddle was on a mission.
Wufei wasn't around very much. He was solitary or with Sally, although Quatre let it slip that Wufei had been around with them more before I came to the Preventers. That didn't surprise me. He'd always said I annoyed him too much to be around for long.
It hurt in a distant sort of way. Wufei and I hadn't been close during the wars, and he'd never hidden his feelings from me. He thought I wasn't serious enough, I could be a danger to them, and I should learn to be an adult like the rest of them.
He never seemed to realize that they kept me in stasis. They never wanted me to grow up, so I let them see what they wanted to see. Any time I dropped my defenses and started acting like the adult I was one of them reached for a thermometer. It drove me up the wall.
Quatre and Trowa. I don't know how to describe them. Quatre smiled a lot, and treated me as a friend. He made plans with me every once in a while. He kept them. We talked and ate lunch together, with Trowa always watching on. But somehow, in a subtle way I got the impression that they were putting me down. The ease that I felt with Adam and Drew was missing with them. The jokes always seemed to have a biting edge, and their humor was always at my expense. It made me uncomfortable and unhappy. But, on the whole, there was never anything explicit that I could put my finger on and with Quatre being an empath I couldn't believe he'd be able to intentionally do that to someone. I couldn't even see how he could do it unintentionally to someone without feeling their pain, but I didn't ask. I didn't acknowledge it. I just went on my merry way, projecting the fool I'd always acted like into my life with them.
Heero treated me as he always had. Like I was a baka, an idiot savant that couldn't handle myself outside of a mission, despite the fact that I'd always gotten along with people better than he did. He got better about it as the year went by. I think he saw more than the rest. I wanted him to see more. He went back to the same confusing pattern we'd had during the Mariemaya incident. He listened, he occasionally talked, he made plans with me outside of work and actually kept them, and he acted like a friend. He acted like he wanted to be more than a friend, but just didn't quite know how to go about it. And while I wanted more, I didn't say anything for fear of being wrong about what I thought I saw and for fear of losing our tenuous and growing friendship.
I treated him to endless cheer and chatter. Much to my surprise he listened, and as I said, the “Shut up, Baka”s declined with time. If I didn't talk endlessly he wanted to know if I was all right, if there was anything wrong.
And that was the beginning of the end.
Heero and I somehow grew closer. If we weren't on duty he always seemed to end up in my living room or kitchen, with me talking a mile a minute. He always looked around in awe at my photo collection. I had pictures of us from the wars everywhere. Pictures of all the good times we had were on the walls, the tables, and in the windowsills. I needed them to remind me that we had, had good times. That they didn't always treat me like I was useless, noisy dirt. He'd wander through the room, staring at them like they were gold, however, and I couldn't figure out why.
On that final night I couldn't take the curiosity anymore. “Hey, Heero?”
“Hn?”
“Why do you always look at my photo collection like that?” He looked at me blankly for just a moment.
“Because they have you in them,” he said. “Because you care enough to keep all the reminders around.” I blinked at the response. He liked them because I was in them?
He cautiously approached the couch and me. He reached out a hand and gently caressed my cheek, fingers brushing over both my cheek bones and my jaw. Heero leaned forward, using that one hand to tilt my head, and then he kissed me.
His lips were warm and soft against mine, and they demanded nothing. I froze in shocked surprise for a few seconds, and then I responded. I had wanted this for years, ever since we first roomed together in the Eve Wars, and he was showing me that he wanted it too.
I deepened the kiss, opening my mouth and letting his tongue slip inside. He traced the inside of my lips before moving deeper. Slowly, carefully, he used his tongue to trace the contours of my mouth before he started sparring with mine. The kiss went on and on, and my hands found themselves behind his head, and his hands slowly wandered down my back just feeling. Eventually we broke apart and just stared into each other's eyes.
His eyes had darkened, and need was plainly in them. So were other emotions that I couldn't quite read behind the need.
My thoughts had pretty much stopped. I just wanted to feel. My hands were still weaving their way through his short hair. It was soft, but rougher than my own. I couldn't quite bring myself to let go.
“Do you want this?” he breathed. I didn't think. I just reacted. I nodded and his mouth came down on mine again. This kiss was still sweet, but it demanded more, it called for passion and it received it. His hands were fumbling with the back of my shirt, trying to pull it loose from my pants. I didn't help him. I was exploring the fine contours of his back with my own all too busy hands.
We kissed and touched, and somewhere along the way we lost our clothes, bits and pieces at a time. I remember hands brushing my chest and twisting my nipples, causing little flights of pain and pleasure to my groin. His mouth moved down over my jaw and down my neck, nipping, sucking, and kissing all the way. He paid particular attention to my collar bone, and who knew how sensitive that could be?
He ground his erection against mine, in an impatient and passionate dance. Our moans filled the room like sweet music. And then he gently prepared me. I don't know where he got the lube, but he had it. It was cold against my skin, almost cold enough to wake me from the sensual spell he'd woven, but not quite. And then he slid into me, an inch at a time. He waited for me to adjust and began to move, slowly at first, then faster and harsher. My voice urged him on as I completely lost contact with the outside world. I was lost in a swirl of fire and joy. I never wanted it to end, but it did, and the ending was the best part.
Afterwards, as we lay on my living room floor he spoke. “Ai shiteru, Duo. Ai shiteru for always.”
Copyright 2005