/And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so Happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear/
"I hate this mission already," sighed Noin.
"Hn."
"I could be snuggled up to Zechs... sipping mulled wine in front of a roaring fire... watching--"
"Don't rub it in."
"Sorry."
Pause.
"I guess you're working up plenty of ire to aim at the idiots."
"Hn. ...I guess you're working up a good total to wave in their faces."
"I imagine so." Noin pulled the datapad out of her pocket and keyed the screen active. "Hm... yeah, it just hit seven thou--"
Pikachuu!
Noin dropped the datapad.
They both stared at it, lying in the snow.
"Lady Une wasn't kidding," said Noin. "That's hideous!"
Wufei nodded emphatically. "I agree. We should charge extra for being forced to listen to it."
"Now there's an idea," Noin mused, cautiously picking it up. She relaxed slightly when it stayed quiet. "What would we call it, though?"
"Call what?"
"The extra money for being exposed to that ridiculous noise. Anime Audio Allowance?"
"No... sounds too frivolous. The pay clerks would never process it."
"True. We'd get snippy little memos asking us to submit an itemised expense account explaining exactly why we felt it necessary to buy an OAV soundtrack."
"Heh. Duo got reimbursed for a soundtrack CD last year."
"No kidding? How'd he slip THAT past the Accounting Trolls?!"
"It was part of a bribe. The informant specifically requested it. Lady Une signed off on it as a legitimate expense."
"What sort of informant asks for CDs instead of cash?"
"One of Duo's informants."
"Aaaah. Understood. ...So, what would you call it?"
"Mmm... Pikachuu Penalty Rate?"
"Heh. That's a good one."
"So you see, ladies and gentlemen, since none of you are actually injured we will be walking back to your base camp the long way, spending the night there, and in the morning walking further down the mountain until we reach a point where ground transport can pick us up. Any questions?"
The group's self-appointed spokesman puffed up angrily, looking ridiculous in his expensive fluoro pink and yellow ski suit. "That's outrageous! Why didn't you just come in in a helicopter and airlift us out? We'd be home by now if you incompetents had just used some common sense!"
Noin's voice got even sweeter. "Since you are currently standing on a mountainside, in avalanche country, under a very precarious- looking mass of snow that would probably go zooming down the mountainside at incredible speed if a helicopter came within three miles, that would have been a singularly stupid thing for us to do. Oh, sure, it would have got you off the mountain very fast, but you would be dead. Now, since it was a minor avalanche that destroyed your gear and stuck you here in the first place, and this entire range is signposted as avalanche country, I think you need to reconsider just who's lacking in common sense, hmmm?"
The flabby man sputtered, attempting to regain the moral high ground. "Well-- well-- you came in by helicopter, didn't you? Over there! I saw it! Why aren't we just walking over there to be picked up?!"
"Oh, that would have been awfully expensive. We thought you'd prefer the cut-price rescue... since you are paying for it."
"Wha--"
"No!"
"How--"
"Who do you--"
"You can't--"
"Ah ah ah!" Noin held up an admonishing finger. "Avalanche country, please don't shout!"
They shut up quickly. The flabby man continued in a quieter voice.
"That's absolutely ridiculous! I won't pay!"
Wufei finally spoke, his voice dripping contempt. "Do you read the papers? Watch the news? Listen to the radio? Even, and I know this is pushing it, read very large signs by the side of the road as you drive past?"
"Eh? What-- well, yes, of course, though I fail to see--"
"For the past three weeks," Wufei interrupted, "every news bulletin in every media has carried the news that these hills are hazardous. Every road leading into this area has been signposted 'DANGER -- AVALANCHE ZONE -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK'. Despite this, cretins like yourselves have insisted on continuing to flock to the area to flirt with death. While I personally would like to leave the lot of you to freeze in the interests of improving the human race's average IQ, humanitarian considerations have prevailed. Congratulations. You're not going to die.
"However, the day before yesterday, the state government issued a bulletin -- again, every news report in every media covered it -- saying that they would not pay for rescues that became necessary after people entered dangerous areas of their own free will despite official warnings. The signposts on the roads were changed to include this information. Therefore, when you entered this area yesterday despite all the warnings and the weather report saying more snow was on the way, it was as if you signed a contract agreeing to pay for your rescue."
"But-- that's ridiculous! That sort of 'contract' can't possibly be binding!"
Wufei raised an eyebrow. "You don't read software licence agreements either, I see."
As the man blinked in puzzlement, one of the two women in the party finally spoke up. "But you can't put a price on human life!"
On cue, Noin whipped out the datapad. "Oh yes we can! The money spent so far on this rescue mission, counting all equipment use so far and our salaries, including long shift loading, penalty rates for being called back from leave and hazard pay, totals up to eight thousand nine hundred and ninety--"
Pikachuu!
"--sorry, nine thousand credits and counting. Divided by six, that means that one thousand five hundred credits have already been spent on saving your skin. You'll be getting a bill."
Flabby got his breath back. "I won't pay! I'll take you to court!"
"You'll lose," said Wufei coldly. "And you'll also be arrested and charged with committing a public nuisance, and wasting official time and resources. Do you have children?"
"Ah-- no--"
"Good. Don't. Stupid people shouldn't breed."
As he got the fire started again, he found himself looking out the window at the growing darkness.
"Hey, 'Fei... what'cha doing now?" he wondered.
*At least he doesn't flail around and yelp when that happens any more,* he thought grumpily.
It had been annoying enough when they first started down the mountain. The six stranded skiers -- Wufei hadn't bothered to assign names to faces -- had bitched and moaned almost continuously to start with, but two hours of Wufei's cold-voiced derision and Noin's chirpy price updates had pretty well shut them up.
Then one of them, in a moment of inattention, stepped off a ledge and ended up twenty feet further down the slope with a twisted knee. Wufei had been carrying him piggy-back for the past half hour.
*At least he seems to be the lightest of the lot.* "What were you people thinking, coming up here? It would've been a stupid idea even without the avalanches. None of you are in any sort of shape, and most of you are seriously overweight."
"It wasn't my idea," sighed the man he was carrying, "but I'll admit it seemed like a good idea at the time. Talk about a rotten holiday."
"You think your holiday's been ruined? I could be at home right now, sitting in front of a roaring fire, drinking eggnog with my husband."
He could almost hear the man blink. "Um... did you say 'husband'?"
Wufei's voice chilled even further. "Yes. Husband. Is that a problem?"
"Nosir!"
"Good."
Pikachuu!
Noin's cheerful voice floated back from her position at the head of the group, picking the best trail. "Eleven thousand credits, ladies and gentlemen! Isn't it comforting to think of those brave men and women back at Preventers HQ, tracking our locator beacon, listening for our radio calls, racking up the overtime?"
"All right, Quatre. I got rid of Heero and Zechs for you. Now are you going to tell me what was going on in there?"
"No... I'm going to show you."
*click*
Pause.
"..."
"..."
"Quatre, we shared safe houses with them for two years. We tended each others' wounds. How the hell did we miss this?"
"My thoughts exactly, Trowa."
They were awfully glad to reach the cabin -- probably because it got them out of the wind, back to their food supplies and portable heaters, but possibly because Wufei stopped lecturing for a while.
Noin sidled up to him as he stretched the kinks out of his back after depositing the injured man on a bunk. "If I didn't know better, Chang, I'd say you were enjoying this. You're certainly getting into the part."
Wufei eyed her incredulously, but not without a glint of humour. "I'm cold. I miss Duo. Duo is probably missing me, which is worse. I'm having to help rescue a pack of idiots who I wouldn't willingly associate with outside of work. I had to carry one of them most of the way here, and that damn datapad is really getting on my nerves. No, Noin, I'm not enjoying this. I'm just making sure I share the pain."
"Morons. Idiots. Bakayarou!" he muttered into the pillow. "Dragging my 'Fei away to rescue you now... I hope he makes you squirm!"
There was quiet for five minutes.
Pikachuu!
The faint blue light of a datapad screen blinked on from Noin's bunk.
"It's midnight, ladies and gentlemen! And since Christmas Eve is a public holiday in this state, all the Preventers involved in this operation have just gone onto triple time!"
A chorus of faint groans came from the other bunks.
Wufei looked at his bowl of trail muesli with powdered milk, then turned to Noin. "You know, I'm even more glad that I came instead of Duo. Can you imagine his reaction to this?"
One of the skiers muttered, just loud enough to be heard, "Wish he had come instead of you. We mighta had it easier."
Wufei looked at him. "Oh? You think so?" He turned back to Noin, who was starting to giggle. "Noin? Do you think Duo would give these people an easier time?"
"Well," she sputtered, "it would certainly be -- haha! -- different!" Then she fell sideways onto her bunk, laughing helplessly.
He put his bowl down and rose to stand in the middle of the limited floor space. "Let me see... how would Duo handle this? Hmm... all right, imagine that I'm four inches taller, with violet eyes and long brown hair in a plait down to here."
Noin scrambled for the datapad. *Did I see-- YES! Recording capability! There is a God!*
The man who'd spoken opened his mouth to say something, but froze with it still open as Wufei stretched upwards, clasped his hands behind his head... and changed. His eyes snapped open, wider than usual, glittering with manic energy. A broad, somehow menacing grin spread over his face, and he started to bounce on the balls of his feet.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the God of Death is in the building!"
Noin stuffed a corner of the thin pillow into her mouth to muffle her laughter as she watched, delighted. *Oh god -- when did he get to be such a good actor?! I swear that's Duo's voice--*
Wufei started to pace, still bouncing, gesturing extravagantly. "Now, we have a couple of options here, people. Option one is that you can walk down the mountain on your own little footsies, carrying all your gear yourselves 'cause it's damn sure Lu and I ain't gonna be bothered, and without complaining. Option two is where Lu and I go back down the mountain, get in our mobile suits, get back up here and kick you down, then charge you for the privilege. And believe me," he grinned even wider and winked, "getting kicked in the ass by Shinigami is a privilege!"
The skiers watched wide-eyed; Noin bit harder on the pillow. *Did he just wiggle his eyebrows?! I hope this thing has enough memory to get all this...*
"Option three is pretty icky. That's the one where we just leave you asswipes up here to freeze, and it's getting more attractive by the minute. Of course, we'd have to come up here after spring thaw to get your bodies. They'd be pretty disgusting by then, what with wild animals and all. I'd probably have nightmares about the way you all looked, and hafta get counselling -- oh, and compensation for mental pain and suffering. It'd be really expensive, and your loving relatives would get the bill.
"I know you think it's pretty harsh, having to pay for us saving your worthless asses, but think about it! I mean, what kind of spud do you have to be to get into this kind of mess? And at Christmas! You could have a little more consideration for people like Lu and me, y'know, dragged away from our nearest and dearest to save the lives of a bunch of jerks who probably vote for candidates who pledge to lower the Preventers' budget."
Abruptly, Wufei stopped pacing and dropped back into his usual voice and mannerisms. "At this point, Duo would probably go into some length about how being dragged away from his 'nearest and dearest' means being dragged away from me, and consequently not 'getting any'. I trust you'll excuse me if I don't." And then he was back in character and continuing the rant.
The skiers mutely shook their heads.
Noin was wound up in her sleeping bag, with just her laughing eyes and the datapad's video pickup peering over the edge. She carefully shut it off and tucked it down out of sight, then spat out the corner of the pillow and started untangling herself. "I don't know, Chang... after that performance, it looks like they got the best of both of you!"
Wufei snorted and began fastidiously straightening his uniform, eyes still sparking with the wicked humour that had made him begin the impression. "I won't dignify that with an answer," he said loftily. "Now, if everyone has finished breakfast, we should pack up and get moving."
Pikachuu!
"Noin, I'm going to shoot that thing when we get back to HQ."
"I'll help. Just give me time to download its memory to Lady Une's computer first, okay?"
"Damn it," he groused as he shoved sheets into the washing machine. "Lazing around and being a slob isn't half as much fun without somebody trying to make me stop."
Wandering aimlessly around the ground floor, dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, he was brought up short next to the stereo when his stomach suddenly growled loudly. *Oh... yeah, I never did remember to eat yesterday. I guess it's a good thing 'Fei's not here to see-- screw it, if 'Fei was here it wouldn't have happened. Guess he's right when he tells me I don't look after myself properly when he's not around.* He switched on the stereo and dropped in a few more Christmas CDs, then headed for the kitchen and breakfast. (Brunch. Lunch. Whatever!)
Sitting at the table licking mayonnaise and mustard off his fingers after finishing off a couple of enormous sandwiches, Duo slurped up some of his coffee and started singing along with the music.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... Jack Frost nipping at your-- chestnuts. Chestnuts." His eyes widened in horror. "Oh man! I can't believe I forgot the chestnuts!"
Five minutes later, he was blasting down the road on his way to the closest store he remembered having an 'Open Christmas Eve' sign, muttering to himself. "I don't believe this. All those shopping trips, all those damn lists, and I still forgot one of the best parts of Christmas! Shit!" Shifting gears down and tapping on the brakes, he slowed to legal speed and purred demurely around a corner, waving cheerfully at the police car perked behind a screen of bushes as he drove past. Around the next corner, he stamped on the accelerator and burned up the road again. "Chestnuts! Jeez!"
Unfortunately, he didn't have his keys.
Peering in through a window, he could see them sitting on the coffee table. Sighing, he started to trudge around the house, checking windows.
He wound up back at the front door. "Damn... usually I forget to lock at least one window! Or the back door. Or the door that connects to the garage." He checked his watch. "I dunno when 'Fei's gonna be home... and I've got to put the turkey on to cook in an hour! I really don't want to break a window; we've only had the house two months and I've already had to break in three times."
He walked back into the garage and closed the door, shutting out the wind, and sat down against the door to the house. "Okay. If 'Fei's not back by three-thirty, I break a window."
Wufei held his hand out to Noin. "Okay. The morons have been delivered to the proper authorities. We don't need the datapad any more. Give it to me."
Noin held it behind her back. "First, just let me download the memory, okay? Five minutes, I swear."
Pikachuu!
"Oh, shut up."
Five minutes later...
The Preventers currently using the indoor firing range looked up in surprise as two well-known officers stalked in, still in cold-weather gear. Finding all the lanes occupied, they walked up to the nearest and tapped the man using it on the shoulder.
Noin smiled brilliantly at him. "Do you mind if we cut in? Just for a minute? We won't be long, we promise."
"Um -- sure!"
"Thank you!" she chirped. Wufei hit the control to wind the target back up the lane.
The range was silent as everyone craned their necks to see what was going on, target practice forgotten.
Wufei took the paper target off the hook and handed it wordlessly to the man. Noin ceremonially hung the datapad in its place, dangling from its wrist strap. Then they wound the new target out to the very end of the lane, drew and checked their guns...
...and just stood there, guns pointed at the floor.
They seemed to be waiting for something.
Pika--
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Wufei reeled the hook back in, picked the strap still dangling from it off with finger and thumb, and dropped it fastidiously in the bin full of spent shells.
Noin took the paper target from the man's slack fingers, hung it back on the hook, and sent it back out to where he'd had it set. The two of them reloaded their guns, holstered them, then turned in unison and sauntered out.
"See you tonight, Noin."
"We'll be there at seven."
There was a very dejected-looking Duo huddled in front of the door to the house, shivering. He looked up and managed a sheepish grin.
"Hey, 'Fei."
"...Hello, Duo. Forgot your keys again?"
"Yeah."
Wufei pulled him gently to his feet and picked up the grocery bag he'd been sitting next to. "Why didn't you pick the lock?"
"Forgot the lockpicks too," Duo admitted. "If you hadn't come home in another ten minutes, I was gonna break a window. I hafta put the turkey on." He almost whimpered in relief as Wufei opened the door and warm air rolled out over them both. "What's this?" Wufei asked, peering curiously into the shopping bag as he carried it into the kitchen.
"Chestnuts," Duo answered. "All the time we were shopping, you know how I kept saying we were forgetting something? Chestnuts. You've got to have roast chestnuts at Christmastime!"
"So when you remembered, you went blasting out of the house without your keys?"
"Um... yeah."
Wufei smiled, pulling Duo into a warm hug. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, 'Fei. Hope you made those jerks crawl home. If I'd been there, I'd've given them a piece of my mind!"
Wufei started to laugh.
"'Fei? What's so funny?"
"I think -- haha -- oh, god! I think I did it for you..."
Duo snuggled drowsily up to Wufei, running slow fingers over his chest. "Mmm... told you I knew a better way to warm up than a hot shower."
Wufei chuckled, stroking Duo's back. "True."
There was a pause.
"Much as I hate to say it, we should get up."
"Nnn... plenty of time yet."
"I'm not so sure. What time is it?" Wufei stretched over to the bedside table and retrieved his watch.
There was another pause. This one, however, had more than a trace of 'Oh God, What My Eyes Are Telling Me Just Cannot Be True, Please Hold While I Restart My Brain' in it.
"Duo." Wufei's voice was unnaturally calm.
"Mmmh?"
"IT'S SIX-THIRTY!"
"Oh SHIT!"
Blankets exploded in all directions as they erupted out of bed.
The doorbell rang.
"I got it!" Thundering footsteps came down the stairs.
"DUO! ARE YOU WEARING CLOTHES THIS TIME?!"
"Yes, Mama!"
Outside, both Lady Une and Sally blushed. They blushed even more when the door was yanked open to reveal Duo... with his hair loose, shirt open and untucked. Both sets of eyes did a quick flick-flick down and up again, focussing determinedly on Duo's face.
"Heyyy, Une! Sally! Glad you could make it," Duo cheered. "C'mon in! We've got eggnog and punch and all sorts of stuff!"
Another car pulled into the driveway.
"Cool! Heero and Relena are here too! Hey, Your Majesty," he called out, "glad to see you got rid of the pink limo. I always wanted to step on it with Deathscythe, accidentally-on-purpose."
Relena blushed bright red as she saw him, but managed a response. "Oh? With or without me in it?"
"Hmmm..." he mused, tapping his chin. "Now there's a question... ack! Heero! No! Just kidding! KIDDING!"
Relena giggled as Heero chased Duo into the house, fanning herself with her handbag.
Duo gave Catherine a 'duh' look for that one. "For snuggling in front of, of course!"
"Ah. Silly me."
Wufei walked past where Une and Relena were eyeing the drinks suspiciously. "I made the eggnog in the red jug," he said quietly, "so it should be safe..."
They reached for glasses.
"...if Duo hasn't got to it yet."
They put the glasses back down.
In fact, everything was perfect. Relena complained after her third slice of fruitcake that she was surely going to gain weight, but Duo told her "one day of indulgence out of 365 won't hurt" and passed her another slice. Despite the fact that she had switched to soft drink before the meal began, a faint alcohol flush was beginning to spread across her cheekbones; you couldn't tell, though, because every time she looked at Duo or Wufei she blushed. Wufei had already brought her a glass of ice water and turned the central heating down because he thought she looked overheated.
After dinner, everyone was about to adjourn to the lounge room when Duo spoke up.
"Everybody... since we're doing all the stuff that's usually done on Christmas Day today, so that certain hard-working people--" he mock- glared at Une and Sally, then Heero and Relena "--don't have to worry about being called back to work for an emergency and missing all the good bits, there's something I want to set up. Could you all wait in here for a minute?"
Everyone agreed, and Duo thundered upstairs.
"Any idea what that's about?" Heero muttered to Wufei.
"No idea. When I came home this afternoon, one of the cupboards in our room had a sign on it saying 'Keep Out -- Secret Christmas Business -- Duo's Stuff'. It wasn't there before; it might have something to do with this."
"Sounds likely," Zechs agreed.
Footsteps thundered downstairs again, past the dining room door and into the lounge. There was a short pause, and Duo ran off for another trip.
A few minutes later, Duo stuck his head in the door. "Okay! You can come in now!"
They filed into the lounge room.
Relena gasped in delight. The main room lights were dimmed, but Duo had turned on the lights on the tree, and multicoloured fairy lights twinkled from all around the edge of the ceiling and across the mantelpiece. The fire was burning brightly, and twelve huge Christmas stockings were hanging from the firescreen in front of it.
"I wanted to hang them from the mantel," Duo said, holding something behind his back, "but I figured it was a bad idea if they caught fire, so... Okay! Everyone sit down and I'll get them for you!" And he whipped the Santa hat out and pulled it on. "Santa Duo is on the job!"
As everyone found seats on various bits of furniture, Wufei caught Duo's wrist as he bounced past. Pulling him close, he smiled up into his eyes and whispered "Thank you," then tugged his head down for a kiss.
Sitting primly in an overstuffed armchair, with Heero perched on the arm, Relena smiled wickedly and piped up in song.
"I saw Wufei kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night..."
One by one, Sally, Noin, Une and Catherine joined in. "They didn't see me creep, down the stairs to take a peek..."
"Relena! Women! Stop it!"
"All right ladies, all together now!"
"Noin! Sally! --QUATRE?!"
"And after this verse, ladies and gentlemen, I have a video disk to play for you; Chang Wufei plays Duo Maxwell in 'Snowbound'!"
"NOIN! GIVE ME THAT DISK!"
A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now/
The End
Please send constructive criticism to Christy and Mel.
More of Christy and Mel's work can be found here.
Copyright 2005