Jokes

Here are various jokes, they are all from magazines, books, and what i hear from friends, at the bottom, I will put where I got them from, so, I hope you enjoy these attempts of humor, Daniel.

Up comming Jerry Springer topics:

Monday-"My sister ate my man"

Tuesday-"Babies on death row"

Wednesday-"I'm sleeping with your dead boyfriend"

Thursday-"She-Males that seduce themselves"

Friday-"My dog is a racist"

"You may not be paranoid, but the guy who's been following you all week probably is"-Fox Mulder

As FBI agent Fox Mulder proves in his new movie, even paranoids have enemies. But are their enemies paranoid too? And their enemies? In fact, are you paraniod enough to be buddies with Mulder? Is anyone?

Take this test to find out

1) I wear seatbelts:

(a) In the car.

(b) On airplanes.

(d) While walking down the street.

2) How many locks are on your front door?

(a) 1-3.

(b) 3-7.

(d) None. If they want you they'll get you.

3) When there is a loud, unexpected knocking on your door, your first instinct is to:

(a) Pleasantly awnser the door.

(b) Shoot first and ask questions later.

(d) Walk out with your hands above your head.

(e) Swallow every peice of paper in the house.

4) Before going on a date with someone for the first time, you usually:

(a) Take a bath, put on nice clothes, and think happy thoughts.

(b) Have a professional nurse conduct a through strip search looking for explsives, razor blades, Communist or Fascistic pamphlets, electronic devices, hidden cameras, ect.

(d) Conduct the above search on yourself.

5) Which of the following s the most widespread cause of disease in the United States today:

(a) Doctors.

(b) Radioactive house pets.

(d) I admit it, I am.

(e) he's right, he is.

6) When you see an airplane overhead you think:

(a) I bet it's on its way to Hawii. Gee, I wish I was on it.

(b) I bet it's being hijacked by terrorists right now.

(d) That's just how they look before they crash.

7) Which of the following is not a lie:

(a) Parallel lines neer converge.

(b) Two plus two equals four.

(d) Kurt Cobain is dead.

8) The X-files is:

(a) Just a swell TV show.

(b) A weekly documentary.

(d) The story of my life

(e) Non-existent. It's a figment of my imagination.

9) The fluoride in drinking water:

(a) was put there by nice people trying to prevent cavities.

(b) Was put there by dentists to cause cavities.

(d) Is turning us all into Republicans.

(e) Causes cancer.

10) Which of the following is out to get you:

(a) My mom.

(b) Everyone in my school.

(d) No one-nobody cares.

11) When I go to sleep at night:

(a) I always have sweet dreams.

(b) The world ends if I dont wake up again.

(d) I tuck my hands beneath my body so the rattlesnakes living under my bed won't be able to bite them.

(e) Nothing happens. I never lower my gaurd by sleeping.

Awnsers:

It dosen't matter what the awnsers are. If you were really paranoid you'd never have taken this test. After all, who knows why we had you take it.

Bad Hobbies

Digging escape tunels into penitentiaries

Collecting dust spores

preforming puppet shows at gangsta parties

Working your way into tourist's photographs

Stowing away on garbage barges

Conducting chain gang singers

Embroidering death threats

Carjacking bumper cars

Counterfeiing monoply money

Car pooling sucide bombers

White-water bodysurfing

Singing the National Anthem before excutions

Falling on grenades to save the lives of terroists

From Cracked, issue #328/Sept. '97

The Wonderful World Of computers

You can do your whole week's shopping in minutes with just a modem and your personal credit card- after which a 16-year-old hackers named "Captin Krunk" and "Phiberface" will also use your card to do the exact same thing.

With all the conveniences that computers offer, it's amazing to think how much more Shakespeare or Dickens could have done if they'd had access to the technology- unless they too would've spent all their time arguing over why the movie Klingons look completly different from the TV kind.

Today's word processing programs are so advanced, a small child can recognize entire paragraphs in minutes- and your pet can delete entire files in seconds.

Thanks to computers, users have on-line access to facts and information we'd never get to hear anywhere else- like how Jew bankers from the United nations staged the Waco invasion as a prelude to establishing martial law.

Between IBM, Packard Bell and Compaq, newer faster, sleeker equipment is being sold every week- creating yet a thir area for guys to try to "out-guy" one another, besides football teams and cars.

Every on-line account features several security checks, so you know that your stored information is absoutely inacessable- including to you after you forget your invisible password.

Computers allow us to make instantaneous contact with other on-line enthusiasts- meaning that two $1800 computers, two $150 modems and mutual on-line fees have made the 25-cent phone call obsolete.

Various erotic services permit us to download graphic porn images-so that in a mere two hours of downloading time, we can get a blurrier version of the same photo that once required a five-minute walk to the newsstand.

If you spend enough time in front of your computer, you'll have faster access to things that formerly took much longer to obtain- like bifocals, arthritis medicine and chiropracter visits.

With computer bulliten boards providing news nd information, you're no longer limited to only those items that the oh-so-high-and-mighty editors at your local newspaper force upon you- including such elitist features as grammer, correct spelling and accuracy.

From MAD Magazine, #347/July 1996

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