Guaranteed to tickle your funny bone till you ROTLYAO or at the very least LOL!

<----This is a simple representation of Flower, it is in no way an actual physical representation of Flower but it was really all I had that looked somewhat like her. I repeat, it is only a simple representation. :) All the new jokes are in lime, X-Filesy green so you know.

Flower is our jokemistress.  From somewhere over the rainbow she gets these marvelous jokes and sends them to the board, and we all just LTOSS (laugh till our sides split). Everybody else contributes too... so here we go!

Hurry up and groan BEFORE you read it!! ~~~ Flower

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. --Clifford C. Clavin {Cheers}

3. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960(who then get slandered and abused simply because they do what the majority wants.)

4. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

5. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

6. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

7. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

8. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

9. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

10. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

11. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

12. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

13. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

14. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See Monty Python

15. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin

16. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

17. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

18. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim  herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

19. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

20. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch

21. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"   Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

22. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

23. It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of an indifferent opinion.

And finally.. one from the good doctor himself:

24. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.-- Hunter S. Thompson

From the Babbling Banana-

Some useful descriptions of people you may work with or talk to day to day:

not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room tempature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. <-- That one's the best!

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his body to scientists... before he was done using it.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

Warning: object in mirror is dumber than it appears

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Forgot to pay his brain bill

If he had another brain, it would be lonely <--- Love that one...

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in nebraska

*~Why did the chicken cross the road?~* From Kat the Spooky Souffle

Fox Mulder: Why won't you tell me why he crossed the road? I will find that chicken, and I will find the truth. The truth is out there.

Dana Scully: There is a scientific explanation for why the chicken crossed the road. They're telling you what you want to hear, Mulder.

Assistant Director Skinner: You've got 24 hours to find out why the #@%& the chicken crossed the $%^@$@#% road or I'll kick your @$$.

X: This is not a good time to find the answers. Leave the chicken alone.

CSM: I created the chicken. You will find out soon enough why he crossed the road.

Tena Mulder: I told you, Fox, I just don't remember why the chicken crossed the road. It was your father's decision.

Mrs. Scully: Don't worry about why the chicken crossed the road. It's going to be ok.

Bill Scully: It's your fault the chicken crossed the road. You made him do it. You're one sorry son of a bitch.

Samantha Mulder: I don't want to remember why the chicken crossed the road. He never did anything bad to me.

Dr. Bambi: You know, I've been studying chickens for a long time. If you want, I could take you in the back and tell you all about them.

Melissa Riedal-Ephesian: It's so heartbreaking to watch the chicken cross.This is the road where I watched him cross.

Clyde Bruckman: The chicken will not die crossing the road. He has a terrible fate.

Pusher: Cerulean is a gentle breeze :::shoot the chicken:::::: Cerulean is a gentle breeze.

Michael Kinsley and Carla Stonecypher: Crossing the road is a wonderful experience, and it's just soooo much fun. You should try it.

Queequeg: Ruf! (who really cares?)

THE FART CHART

The Beer Fart: The fart that annoy's everyone on with a "head" on their shoulders.

The Garlic and Onion Fart: Also known as the "Italian Scallion," this fart mimics gourmet cooking.

The Silent Screamer: So pungent when released without notice, this fart is undetectable until it hits the nose.

The Ground Hugger Fart: This fart stays "close to the ground" until it hits the fartee's leg and then it's a "rush to the nostrils."

The Big Bang Fart: This fart is ALL SOUND and NO SMELL - causes great distress until the fartee realizes it's ALL SHOW and NO GO!

The Oscar Fart: A true prize winner when compared to the competition.

The Sleeping Bag Fart: Also called the Under The Blanket Fart. The farter releases this fart gradually into the air by opening the blanket or sleeping bag slowly, numerous times, until the fart is diminished.

The "Get The Hell Out Of There" Fart: The fart that is so bad, the farter must leave immediately to escape being lynched by the fartees. Also known as "The Party Pooper."

Harry S. Truman Fart: If you can't stand the smell, get your a** out of my office fart.

The Elevator Fart: This fart rises to the occasion.

The Mouse on a Honda Fart: This is a little teeny-weeny fart that sounds like a mouse shifting gears on a teeny, nifty, thrifty Honda Fifty.

The Better Than Thou Fart: The farter thinks their sh*t doesn't stink, but their farts give them away.

The Machine Gun Fart: A sequence of farts that has numerous repetitions, one right after the other.

The Bath Tub Fart: We all know this bubbler!!

The Madagascar (mad-a-gas-car) Gasser: The fart in a fast moving car that makes all fartees mad as hell in the car roll down their windows while the farter is smiling.

The Attention Getter Fart: Also known as the Library Fart, this fart is done on purpose to get the fartee's attention.

The Stand In Line Fart: This fart is done in a supermarket checkout line, a movie theature line, a rock concert line, etc., to give the farter more elbow room.

The Rover Fart: Farter always blames the dog, even when they don't own one.

The Bowling Fart: STRIKES fear in the heart of the fartees and SPARES no one.

The Retaliation Fart: Farter and fartee exchange volleys until one "runs out of gas."

The First Date Fart: This fart is truly known as "the icebreaker."

The "Look At Me And They Think I Did It" Fart: This fart is usually done in a movie theature by the farter with the farter looking to either side where a fartee is sitting.

The Arm Pit Fart: Done by a farter using the palm of their hand and their arm pit. Distributes B.O. instead of S.O. (sh*t odor).

The "Rub Your Sole On The Floor" Fart: The farter uses his shoe sole to imitate a fart sound in order to mislead the fartee into thinking the sound they just heard was the farter's sole rubbing on the floor.

The Tag-A-Long Fart: This fart follows the farter from room to room and cannot be shaken.

The Ozone Fart: This fart diminishes the ozone layer creating holes in the "O" zone.

Bill Clinton Fart: You never inhale this one (so you say....).

***********************************************

P.C. Male Definitions...

***********************************************

AH! Political correctness strikes again. Political correctness is defined as having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.

* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.

* You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.

* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

* He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.

* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of  Parental Asset Infusion.

* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.

* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.

* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.

* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.   The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.   She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."  He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.   "Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She  looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Pam tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird just got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Pam put the bird in the freezer and shut the door. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and then suddenly there was quiet.

Pam was frightened that she may have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Pam's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Pam was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused the change when the parrot continued; "MIGHT I ASK WHAT THE CHICKEN DID?"

You might be a redneck if...

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

2. You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.

3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.

8. Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

18. Birds are attracted to your beard.

19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

42. You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

44. You're considered an expert on worm beds.

45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

47. You've ever bought a used cap.

48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.

50. You've ever financed a tattoo.

51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.

52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

57. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

65. You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

68. You own a denim leisure suit.

69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.

72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

73. You have a rag for a gas cap.

74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

78. You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."

79. You've ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

82. After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

84. All of your four-letter words are two syllables.

85. You've ever been too drunk to fish.

86. You cut your toenails in front of company.

87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

92. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

93. You can spit without opening your mouth.

94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

95. You call your boss "dude".

96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

97. You have grease under your toenails.

98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

108. Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.

110. Your father encourages you to quit school because Uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack."

111. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

112. Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.

113. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.

114. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.

115. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.

116. Your family tree doesn't fork.

117. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road."

118. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

119. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.

120. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.

121. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

122. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

123. You've been to a funeral where there were more pickups than cars.

124. Jack Daniel makes your most admired list.

125. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."

126. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson or Elvis over your fireplace.

127. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

128. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

129. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

130. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.

131. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.

16. We're working on that smell thing, too.

15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on "COPS"

13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets

12.  Not just for nooners anymore.

11. .We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*

5. It's Hookerriffic!

4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...

1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"

Anyone have some jokes out there? Weird quotes...anything that strikes you funny, X-Files related or no. Send them to me by clicking on the picture...hee-hee...weird huh? Or if that doesn't work for you non-picture people. Click here.

This is a grossly unrealistic representation of moi, but if you want to send mail to me you're going to use it cause I personally thought it kinda cute.

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