The Cutting World

~ I Never Promised You a Rose Garden ~

I usually cut, but I have broken my fingers, head banged, cracked my skull, burned, (with fire and chemicals), starved myself, stabbed myself and have had thoughts of driving nails through my palms.

I have Agoraphobia, Panic Attack disorder and PTSD.
I also was born with advanced Amblyopea, a vision disorder now 100% curable when decteded in infants and small children. In the early sixties kids with the inherent disease were not so lucky to have state of the arts techniques available now. My peceptions of the world were altered, as the mind learns what it sees. This isolated me most of my life and has now left me legally blind. Thankfully, the company OccuEase recently has come to my rescue with custom lenses that cost a fortune but give me enough correction to function pretty normally.

I was also subject to a serious head injury in 1977 from an auto accident. During that time many doctors sought explanations for mysterious post traumatic episodes that were thought to be physical and probably still are to an extent. However, there were environmental factors as I have experienced domestic violence and was stalked and abused on and off for 17 years by an old college boyfriend.

Some of my reasons for cutting are a form of punishment if I feel guilty or responsible for hurting a loved one's feelings who cares about me.

Although seeing the ugly keloid scars is a constant reminder not to cut again, the majority of the time I do it for release or just to feel physical pain because it displaces the pain of mental anguish or high anxiety that becomes too overwhelming. The cutting can make it stop for awhile or at least tone it down. Kind of like a drug user might feel.

I also do it in an attempt to FREE myself from environmental factors, mostly obnoxious people, that become overbearing.

I also do it because I get on binges and just enjoy it.
I cut because it feels good and reminds me that I'm still alive.

I self injure as a SURVIVAL mechanism to cope with all of these things.
It is in no way an attempt of suicide.

It is done in a very ritualistic manor, always in secrecy, always at night. I prefer fine surgical or artistic type instruments, such as scalpels, x-acto knives and razors. They are always sterilized first. You can make finer deeper cuts with razors as well, resulting in beads of blood along some fine incisions or a hemorrhage into puddles on the floor.

An easy and fast clean up strategy is essential, as is care of the wounds. Extreme caution is used due to the fact that outside medical intervention can NEVER be an option. Most police, social workers and medical personnel, (with a few recent exceptions), treat the self injurer extremely badly and consider them dangerous. I have a terrifying fear and have experienced being locked down in a psyche ward not structured to deal with self injury or phobias. This took place in an area I thankfully no longer live in, however it was out of my own doctor's jurisdiction.

I began "experimental" burning at 14 years old and progressed to agressive cutting the age of 22.

I am scared with keloids everywhere from my work in the early 80s. I went approximately 15 years hating what I had done, defacing a decent looking body. However, I resumed the act(s) 4 years ago. There have been several "triggers", the biggest being the sudden and tragic death of my husband in 1995. In the winter of 1998 I began to attack less noticeable places such as my ankles, inside bottom of legs and scalp.

I desperately want to stop and keep believing "this will be the last time", but it is extremely addicting. And like being bitten by the master vampire, I feel like its fledgling prisoner, fighting the blade's eternal call.

I am one of the fortunate ones who not only have wonderful doctors, but the advantage of medical coverage to continue to seek the help I need from qualified professionals I have dealt with, (and they have survived my shit), for 20 years. I strongly feel for those who become prey to the poorly funded phsychiactric facility and are subject to deal with an uneducated and unskilled staff who have control problems of their own and displace it on us.

My family has recently become more receptive, open minded and very supportive about regarding self injury. People in general think I'm a lot of fun on a good day, as I camouflage my pain into various "persona" type survival mechanisms quite well. Sometimes I feel like poison and yet I am confident I have VALUE, education and skills to contribute to the world.

Nothing compares to the voice of experience.

My own self injuring has become less and less since 1998 and I had not injured in almost a year with the exception of one minor injury in February 1999. More recently I have had 2 episodes. It is extremely hard not to succumb to the blade that constantly woos me and my smiling facade that hides a lifetime of tears and pain.

Thank God for my KIDS, the BIGGEST REASON OF ALL TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

YOUR KIDS NEED YOU!!!

**Of course you must be good to yourself as well if you are to be good to anyone else.**

My endless gratitude, support and admiration to the Cutting World Webring Members and all of those who have bravely come forward on this most misunderstood phenomenon, that I resent being labeled as one more "disorder". It took me over half my life to discover that
I am not alone.
thanks to connecting to others on the interent.

This is not a new fad, teen issue or "the new anorexia". There is nothing "new" about it at all. It is very common than people want to admit and well hidden. I believe it has been closeted for milleniums. I am 41 years old and self injury does not discriminate - it affects professional suburbanites like me to the psychotic.

I am extremely lucky to have TWO WONDERFUL SONS to live for and give me a major motivation to keep going. I am responsible to see to it that they have the best mother I can be.

As a single & widowed mother, I strongly believe I am truly doing my best. There is little room for error - especially when you have a bit of a disadvantage.

And I still remember being a kid living through the hell-world of being "different" and not fitting in; I can see Self Injury from many angles...

...And I still don't, nor do I care to "fit in",
unless with "my own".

Yet I feel I am the luckiest person I know and there is an obvious reason why I have survived all of this.

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*Very nice updates to come soon at the website - yes, the story CAN have a happy ending!

"Spare Us the Cutter"

~ Echo and the Bunnymen ~

Since November 20, 1998

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