The Preposterous and Violent Adventures of Taran and Marina
by Sasha
Episode one
Taran flattened himself against the ale-stained tabletop as a chair hurtled overhead, and
exploded against the nearby wall. He was about to surface when the troll at whom
the chair had presumably been aimed, vaulted across Taran's table to tackle his assailant.
Taran shrank back, finding a seat in the corner of the room, and tried to finish his beer as
unobtrusively as possible.
The tavern was a small, seedy establishment on the outskirts of a provincial
town in eastern Saramesh, whose name Taran hadn't even bothered to learn. Road-weary
and parched, he had slipped in to spend a few of his last coppers on some well-earned
refreshments.
It had been a long day's hike - one of many since he'd left home in Blagrad four
weeks ago to venture into the remote Eastern territories.
Absently he removed the amulet from its pouch and turned it over in his hands. It
was a gorgeously crafted turquoise and pewter piece in the shape of a shield. A man
stood with his arm outstretched, holding a woman's hand. The lady in question was
missing however, along with the left half of the amulet.
"Find the other half of this", the old store owner had confided, years ago, "and you'll
have the location of Smgreal's Cache!"
Yeah, right. The mythical treasure trove of the equally mythical and supposedly
stark raving mad King Smgreal of Thstnuk. The trove that had been lost four hundred
years ago, somewhere, somehow, in the lands beyond the farthest Eastern provinces.
And that's if Smgreal's damn Cache ever existed in the first place - and even if it did
exist, how this amulet was supposed to help him find it was anybody's guess.
Few people took the legend literally, and neither had Taran when he acquired the
amulet. But that had been six years ago, when he'd had a life. A few years of destitution and
loneliness can do funny things to a man, and one day he might wake up and find he has
nothing better to do than embark on a ludicrous quest.
Well, what of it? It'd been years since anyone gave a damn about him. If he wanted to
trudge a thousand miles across country to find half a broken amulet, that was his
business. At least he wouldn't have much further to go. The workmanship of the amulet
was Drivian; the manufacturer's name engraved on the back, and Drivia was only a few
day's march across country.
A loud thump brought Taran back to reality. The fellow who'd flung the chair at the
Troll had just crashed to the floor, right beside his table. What was left of his face looked
decidedly the worst for wear, and the troll, who appeared to be enjoying himself
immensely, was looking around for a blunt instrument to finish the job. Taran decided
things were getting too rough for an ex-bard. Not knowing one end of the sword from
another, fights were something he tried to avoid whenever possible, and most of the
clientele looked like they'd kill for whatever they thought might be in his purse. He
downed the dregs of his ale and headed for the door.
Late afternoon sunlight tried feebly to penetrate the gloom of the back streets
and alleys. Taran realised he'd have to get moving if he was to put a comfortable
distance between himself and town. His plan was to find somewhere in the woods to camp
for the night. It'd been days since he'd had enough coppers for a room, and he was getting
used to sleeping rough. If nothing else, it was cheaper, and there were generally fewer thugs
per square mile.
He made his way down the grimy alley, emerging on a long, cobbled street which
angled east toward open country. Ancient, decrepit houses huddled close to the
road, blocking the sun, casting deep, oppressive shadows. Taran shivered anmd hurried on.
Eventually the houses gave way to large warehouses and stables and finally the street
became an unsealed track, sunlight breaking through as the scenery opened into woods and
farmland.
Taran was walking past what seemed to be a long-abandoned and ramshackle
roadside coach-house, when the Orcs ambushed him. Actually, three Orcs and a human,
Taran realised as he backed away in panic, trying not to be encircled.
It was hopeless. Knives flashed evilly in filthy, Orcish hands. Foul, beaked, Orcish
faces displayed malicious, greedy smiles as they surrounded him.
"Leave me alone", Taran ventured lamely, "I haven't got a penny!"
"Maybe, maybe not", grunted the human; a grubby, bearded ruffian brandishing a
spiked club. "But I'm thinkin' that brooch of yours be worth a pretty penny!"
"Pretty penny!", repeated one of the Orcs in a disgusting, moronic snigger. The others
joined in, advancing on him with wicked grins; closing the circle.
Taran felt a cold knot in his gut. He should never have taken the damned amulet out
in the tavern. These thugs wouldn't know if it was valuable, but they'd kill him for
his boots, or just for the hell of it, and anything else they got would be a bonus.
"Get him!", the human ordered, and the Orcs closed in.
Knives flashed. Taran lunged away, felt his shirt rip open, a sharp pain as one of the
Orcs connected, slashing his arm. He stumbled backwards, but an Orc got behind him,
tripped him, and next thing he was on his back with the four of them cackling obscenely
over him, and the filthy human thug raising his club for a skull-crushing blow.
That was when the Unicorn appeared.
It was an unexpected development, to put it mildly.
Taran had never seen a unicorn before, and neither, by the looks of astonishment on
their faces, had his assailants.
At first Taran had been aware of a heavy vibration in the earth beneath his back,
which quickly turned to a rhythmic pounding. A very large horse coming this way in a
hurry - maybe a whole team of horses. A coach? Whatever the source, it was enough to
scatter the Orcs in one direction and the human in another.
Taran raised himself on his elbows as a massive white shape hurtled by and skidded
to a halt about ten yards ahead of him.. At first he thought it was merely the biggest
draft horse he'd ever seen: a majestic, pure white mare over 20 hands high, with flowing
white mane and tail, gigantic, feathered feet which seemed to be shod with golden shoes.
A massive chest and rump, suggesting unthinkable power; long, graceful legs opening
into gigantic hooves, and... a long, spiral, golden horn protruding from her forehead.
"Take cover", she told him, and thundered off towards the Orcs, who were fleeing for
the trees.
"Ok", Taran said to himself, brushing himself off. "A draft unicorn. And she talks.
Saramesh ale is better than I thought."
Still, she seemed very real, and the Orcs did seem very scared of her. Particularly the
one she'd just mown down. She crashed into him from behind, throwing him hard into
the ground - so hard she must have broken something in him, even though she hadn't
trampled him. He (it?) lay there groaning as she turned to chase down his
companions. She closed on the second Orc, reached down and grabbed the pathetically
fleeing creature, her teeth sinking into his shoulder. The unicorn picked him up like a
rag doll and carried him, screaming and flailing, as she went after the third Orc, who
was now running desperately back towards Taran and the coach-house.
Taran backed away in awe as the magnificent animal trotted past him, shaking the
ground, still carrying the screeching Orc. She flung him a full ten feet, smashing him
into the side of the building. He hit with a muffled crack, and sank to the ground
blubbering and moaning. She ignored him for the time being and turned her back on the
third Orc, who she'd cornered against the wooden wall of the coach-house.
"Ready... aim...", she said, lining him up over her colossal rump. Then those gigantic
rear hooves lashed out, smashing the Orc brutally into the wall. She stepped back
towards him, positioned herself with a careful alignment of her huge hindquarters, then
repeated the exercise, pulverizing him with a series of five huge kicks which shattered every
bone in his chest. Her last kick smashed him straight through the wall and into the darkness
beyond; the wall disintegrated in a rain of wooden palings around the huddled form of the
second Orc.
"That was rather satisfying", the unicorn remarked to Taran, who was staring blankly at
the hole she'd kicked in the wall. "excuse me, though..", she added. Taran ducked aside as
she took off into a pounding canter, her huge form briefly blocking out the sun as she
rushed by, heading up the road in the direction he'd been travelling. Taran realised she
was heading for the now distant figure of the fleeing human.
For a few minutes Taran was left with nothing but the company of the two wounded
and groaning Orcs who, having apparently forgotten their previous designs upon his
life, were now begging him to help them. He ignored them, tied off his bleeding
arm, and watched in amazement as the giant unicorn returned, holding the struggling
cut-throat effortlessly between her teeth. She dropped him on the ground, where he cowered
pathetically.
"Help me!", he shouted to his comrades. His eyes widened in fear when he
realised they were in no condition to help themselves, let alone him.
Taran looked up at the statuesque mare, taking in the powerful, muscular curves of
her giant form; her tremendous weight which seemed to emanate from her almost as a
palpable force. He noticed the intelligent, definitely dangerous sparkle in her clear,
violet eyes.
"You're a unicorn", he managed.
"No kidding", she agreed.
"But... but unicorns..."
"Don't exist?" She snickered. "Tough guy here thinks I'm real enough - don't you?",
she enquired sweetly of the cowering thug at their feet. He tried to scramble away but
she quickly placed one of her gigantic, gold-shod front hooves over his hand. Without
further ado she stepped down with her full weight. The hand crunched to splinters and
the man howled in agony.
"I mean, that feels real enough, doesn't it?", she asked. The ruffian had started
screeching for help.
Taran summoned enough presence of mind to ask,"You saved me... why?"
"Let's just say I have an interest in your well-being", the unicorn said, removing her
hoof from the man's crushed hand.
"I want you to stay here while I deal with your friends", she told the blubbering
ruffian. "I don't think I can trust you to stay, though, so..."
Taran winced as the giant unicorn knelt across the man. His lower legs snapped under
her enormous weight, and he screamed in renewed agony.
"My name's Marina", she offered, as she got to her hooves, leaving the cut-throat
blubbering incoherently at Taran's feet.
"I'm..."
"Taran. Yes, I know. Back soon, Taran", she smiled, and trotted off towards the edge
of the clearing, where the first troll was finally getting to his feet.
Taran ran his hand through his hair dazedly, glanced at the human, and at the Orc, who
seemed to be recovering, and decided to stick with the Unicorn. He followed her at a
respectful distance.
The Orc was badly winded, and some of his ribs were broken - that much he knew. How
it all had happened was a bit much for his tiny brain to understand. One
minute they had been having fun with this weakling human; they were just about to
make the kill, and then, suddenly... his memory cleared as he felt the ground thumping
ominously beneath the slowly approaching impact of titanic hooves.
"Hello down there", Marina said, peering down at the cringing Orc. "Can you
understand me? I know you vermin are pretty dim."
"Go-way", the Orc gibbered, fetching around for its knife, and eventually finding it,
brandishing it upwards at the massive apparition that loomed over him. The horse's coat
was so white it hurt his eyes, seeming to burn into them.
"Tut, tut", Marina admonished him, kicking the knife out of his hand with a casual flick
of her forehoof. "Is that fair? Do I have a knife?"
"Bad horse. Leave alone!", the Orc babbled.
"Unicorn, you ugly shit!", Marina said, glaring down at him, her breath steaming
ominously from her flared nostrils. "3000 pounds of unicorn, to you. That human you tried
to kill is under my protection", she explained. "Now at the best of times I don't mind
rubbing out a lowlife Orc, but under these circumstances I'm going to special satisfaction in
my work. I'm going to mash you to pulp!"
The Orc tried to shuffle away as the gigantic beast raised one of those massive, gold-
shod hooves, and lowered it thoughtfully onto his helpless body. She toyed with him or a
moment, moving the giant hoof restlessly around his prone body. Beneath the filthy
rags of his mouldering leather armour, the Orc's chest heaved in panic as he stared up
between the mighty forelegs which straddled him, to the unicorn's gargantuan, barrel
chest. Marina eventually chose his right arm. She rested her massive hoof on it just
below the elbow, and waited for a moment while he pawed at her desperately with his
free hand. She laughed, and trod down with her full weight, raising her eyebrows as the
limb crunched liked a rotten branch. She snorted in satsfaction as the Orc wailed in agony,
and uttered a stream of incomprehensible alien syllables. She reached down, grabbed his
other hand between her teeth, and jerked upwards, dislocating it and pulling it from its
socket. Then she stepped on that limb, and crunched it, too.
Taran had arrived by now, and looked down rather squeamishly at the Orc who was
writhing desperately in Marina's shadow. Taran had no love of Orcs, and was certainly
grateful to have been rescued, but somehow the spectacle of Marina tormenting her
helpless victim didn't quite fit in with his ideas about how unicorns were supposed to
behave.
"You could let him go", he suggested meekly.
"The hell with that", Marina said, without taking her gaze from the crippled form beneath
her. "Orcs are scum. I trample them even when they haven't done anything wrong.
Saves waiting", she explained. She removed her metal-shod hooves from the Orcs
smashed arms and stood over him with a wicked expression on her face. "They're kinda
little, aren't they?", she enquire absently. "Do you think I can get all four hooves on him
at once?", she continued.
Taran couldn't really think of a response to that, and looked on as the massive equine
proceeded to find out. She stepped on the Orc's chest with her front hooves. It
disintegrated in a cascade of crackles and snaps. Her hooves were so wide they easily
covered the Orc's entire chest, spilling out on either side by at least six inches. The
creature groaned and whimpered as Marina leaned forward, bunched her massive
hindquarters, and stepped up onto his stomach with her hind hooves. Taran looked at the
surreal scene before him. The huge draft horse... draft unicorn... drafticorn?... her legs
drawn in together, her chest and rump teetering slightly as she rocked back and forth on the
mushed little form beneath her.
"Hey, I did it!", she exclaimed.
She stood there for a few moments longer, mashing him flatter, that hopped off. "I'd
passage on him, but he wouldn't last long", she commented.
"Forgive me", Taran managed, as the unicorn picked up the still conscious Orc and
draped him over a nearby tree stump, "but I kinda thought unicorns were sweet and
gentle."
"Maybe the rest are", Marina said, turning around and backing her monumental rump
over the helpless Orc as it gurgled and choked, face up, it's head and upper body resting
on the wide, levelled tree stump, its legs dangling on the ground "I haven't met another
one. Personally though, I can't imagine why anyone big enough to squash an Orc would
think twice about it!"
The Orc laboured for breath, and mouthed silent pleas as Marina poised her gigantic
rump over him.
"I think this pretty well sums up my position on Orcs", she concluded.
Taran gaped as the huge mare lowered her equally huge hindquarters, and then sat on
the tree stump and on the hapless Orc. He vanished under her colossal rump,
accompanied by an emphatic crunching squelch. His limbs jerked for a few moments, trying
futilely to push off the weight which was pulping him. Marina pushed back with her
forelegs, wriggling her 3000 pounds on top of him. Then he was still.
Marina, her forelegs planted on the ground, looked down at Taran. "You're welcome",
she said.
"Wha-?"
"For saving your life. Don't mention it." She stood up, Taran deigning not to look at
whatever was left on the tree stump. Marina shook herself, her long, curled main tossing
elegantly.
"So, do you often sit on Orcs?", Taran asked, trying to remain composed.
The big animal nudged him with her snout, almost knocking him off his feet.
"Sometimes. For variety. Why? Do you want me to sit on the other one?", she enquired,
nodding towards the last Orc, who had managed to stagger to his feet against what
remained of the coach-house.
"No... I.. Well, that is to say", Taran bumbled. He looked at Marina's titanic rump, tried
to imagine what it would be like to have all that weight bearing down on him, and
thought that he couldn't consign anyone to that fate - even an Orc.
"Even an Orc who was trying to murder you in cold blood five minutes ago", the
unicorn asked.
"Oh, great. You read my mind as well?"
"No need to read your mind", she said ambiguously, "It was written all over your face.
Look", she added, striding off towards the tottering Orc, "He tried to kill you. He's
probably killed others before you. Think of me as your instrument of revenge. I'll do
anything to him that you ask."
"I think I'll pass", Taran said weakly.
Marina paused and looked back over her withers at him. "Does that you mean you don't
want him killed, or you just don't mind how I do it? Never mind", she continued, before
he had a chance to respond, "I'm going to snuff him anyway. I can't in good conscience let
a thug like that go free."
While they had been talking, the Orc had recovered enough to stumble away from the
coach-house, and was lurching down the trail to the east, calling plaintively for help.
"Oh look, it's trying to escape", Marina said delightedly. "Better run, little Orc - I'm
coming to get you!", she called.
Taran could only watch as the massive unicorn broke into a canter and pursued the
fleeing Orc, closing on him in a matter of seconds. The diminutive figure of his former
assailant was obscured in front of the great bulk of the drafticorn as she drew up behind
him, then a thump, and panicked squawk indicated that Marina had connected. He went
spinning into the dirt, untrampled, but severely stunned from the impact of her giant
chest.
Marina came to a halt twenty yards up the track, and turned around, as the Orc tried to
clamber to his feet.
"This time it's for real!", she teased, leaping into a gallop, and bearing down on him
again.
The Orc had got to his knees when the huge, white unicorn ploughed into him,
trampling him under in a pounding fury of golden-shod hooves. Bones crunched
sickeningly, and Taran saw her back hooves stamp into his midriff like piledrivers - or
whatever the nearest thing to piledrivers are in a fantasy story. Still the Orc lived, dragging
himself along the ground wretchedly, as his giant executioner turned around near Taran
and galloped towards him again. He tried to protect his head as the giant hooves
thundered over him again, crushing flesh and bone into the hard ground. Taran flinched as
this latest pounding elicited a hideous screech from the doomed bandit.
Marina returned, prodding at the now motionless Orc, then stepped up his back. A faint
groan escaped his blood foamed lips. Marina trotted on top of him, methodiocally pounding
his spine into powder, and quickly reducing his little body to a pulped mess. Eventually she
stepped off his ruined body without a backward glance, and approached Taran again.
"Aren't you glad I came along?", she enquired happily, drawing right up to him, so
that she towered over him, her breath steaming in the cooling evening air.
"Y...yes, you saved my life. I'm very grateful", Taran stammered. He reached out
touched the unicorn's huge, muscular neck tentatively.
"There goes another myth", Marina commented. "You're not a virgin - right?"
Taran nodded.
"Can you get out of my way, 'hon?", Marina added. "I still have to deal with the head
man..."
Taran side-stepped and let Marina through to the human leader of the Orc-band. He was
still lying in the dirt, groaning, his legs broken from where the massive equine had knelt
across him.
"Do you know how to play football?", Marina asked Taran, taking up a position over the
helpless man, boxing him in with her four massive hooves.
Taran shook his head. "I've never heard of it."
Marina craned her neck and looked down at the blubbering human beneath her. "I
guess I'll just have to play with my little friend here then, won't I?", she laughed.
Marina then set to slowly demolishing the last of Taran's assailants. She began kicking
him backwards and forwards between her fore and hinds hooves, smashing his already
broken body with her great hooves, punting him around like a human kick-bag. Taran
looked on in silent awe as the massive, draft unicorn gleefully pulverized the screaming
man. Her enormous golden hooves battered him back and forth: a front hoof smashed
his jaw and knocked teeth flying. Marina followed up with a kick from a rear hoof that
stove in half his ribs. He jerked back and forth underneath her colossal form, groaning as
she smashed his body to pieces.
Eventually Marina started deliberately stepping on him, in between kicks. Her hooves
crushed his arms and legs, stomped his throat in, pulverized his groin. Soon the object
she was kicking and stomping around was a moaning, bloodied pulp. Marina turned him
onto his back, and reared up over him. The man looked up helplessly at the huge,
flailing hooves, white feathers billowing around them. The gigantic unicorn sent them
crashing down into his chest with her full, gigantic weight, crushing it to smithereens. She
turned around and faced Taran, as the dying thug gasped for breath under her shadow.
"I still don't understand...", Taran said, summoning his nerve. "I mean, I'm truly
grateful for your intervention - but, why do you, a unicorn, care what happens to me?"
"I told you", Marina said, breathing a little heavily after her work-out, a slight gloss of
sweat on her pure white coat, "I want you to complete your quest. We have a mutual
interest. And I think you're nice", she added, tossing her head in the equine equivalent
of a shrug.
"So are you sort of my guardian angel?", Taran managed lamely.
Marina considered this.
"I don't think that's quite the right phrase. I mean, would an angel do this?", she
asked, setting a massive rear hoof down over the moaning man's face.
She watched Taran, smiling, as she gradually applied weight to the hoof, relaxing her
right hip, letting her gigantic bulk bear down on the helpless human's face. The great,
golden-shod hoof pushed down, cracking bones, crunching teeth, as her victim spasmed
and twitched. Eventually she just stepped down with her full weight, lifting her left hoof
off the ground, and balanced there, crushing his face to putty, and crunching his skull
like a melon.
"No... perhaps not", Taran admitted.
Marina stepped away from the ruined bandit, and looked toward the woods.
"You better get moving if you're going to camp before dark", she recommended.
Taran watched as the statuesque unicorn began walking towards the trees in the
opposite direction.
"Wait - will I see you again?"
"If you get into trouble, I'll be there", she told him.
"You won't be travelling with me, then?", Taran asked, half in disappointment, half
in relief.
Marina paused, thoughtfully, and looked back over her shoulder.
"I'll think about it", she said. "It's not like I don't have other work to do", she
explained, breaking into a trot, and then a canter.
Taran felt the earth shaking under the unicorn's mighty hooves, watched as she
headed toward the forest. The air around her began to shimmer strangely in the twilight,
and suddenly she was gone, as if she had never been there.
Taran looked around at the smashed bodies of his would-be murderers. Oh, she had
definitely been real enough, he thought.
Picking up his pack, he resumed his trek towards the woods. Suddenly the world
seemed an altogether different place...
© 2000 Sasha
comments to sasha AT dog.com
This story was read 
times since
Nov 22 , 2000.
